My boyfriend/love of my life dead suddenly

[Gwenivere]

S

11 hours ago, scba said:

I lost him 5 years ago but I guess my heart is still pretty much broken to even think of being in a couple as benefitial. I am a childless unmarried widow. I am not single, free, independent, open, ready.I am simply not interested. I don't struggle with the idea, I am just not interested.

Ana, missed seeing you here.

you so speak as I feel.  I’ve had it brought up to me I may meet someone in the future.  5 years for me too.  I’m much older than you, but they have those services for every age.  I can’t fathom using that (not that I want to).  Has the world become so isolated from itself people need computers to find each other?  I know it works as many people have, but it seems so alien to me as I just lived my life and people crossed my path.  Some became friends, lovers, enemies and then kabam!  One day this man walked in and I knew there could never be another that would ever own my heart.  It’s not available anymore and never will be.  I also struggle with my definition now.  I don’t think of myself as single, never will.  I guess I am now married to that love we had.  The physical man is missing.  

Its understandable your friends don’t get it, but they can’t if they are still looking, much less lost THE one.  I have learned to tune those kind of people out.  Have to or I would go crazier in the emptiness.  An emptiness I didn’t think would happen someday from time aging us all.  And when we did see that down the line, he and I both wanted to go first.  He won.  He’ll never have to feel this hell of being left behind.

Like Kay and many others, I’m self sufficient.  Always did what I could or found someone who could.  I miss not having to look further than a few feet for help now.  Setting appointments for things if they were too big for Steve, him dealing with the contractors. He liked talking with them and knowing the whys and fixes.  I just want things fixed and them gone now.  I don’t chuckle watching him talking repair peoples ears off in his curiosity about stuff like a little boy. 

Ruth, I wouldn’t see finding someone else as a betrayal.  2 couples formed here because of mutual understanding and a sparked connection.  One did say their relationship would always be 4 people tho. That they know of the lost spouse thru here and sharing will probably make their new relationship strong.  No secrets about the intensity of the other love.  I don’t believe Steve would see it as a betrayal.  But he also knew me well enough that I don’t  give my heart easily.  Essentially, he is stuck with me til I end.  I don’t know if he exists beyond this consciousness to know, but I know.  

Karen, I don’t think I will ever lose wanting to be loved again.  I’ve not lost the wanting to love, I already do. The hitch is it has to be Steve.

 

 

[Ruth T]

scba and Karen, these answers really resonate with me, thank you. As I implied I have always been really, really good at being alone, and sort of always thought I eventually would be. Then Brit changed all that and I thought I'd grow old with him. I never felt much loneliness before him. Now I feel it terribly, but I think I'm lonely for him and only him...not lonely in general.

My parents divorced in 1984 and neither ever remarried, and to this day they say they love each other, they just couldn't live with each other. This detail is and isn't relevant. 

[Ruth T]

Gwenivere, what you wrote is beautiful and also resonates. I don't know what else to say except I think I will return to reading all of these answers many times. 

[Gwenivere]

Ruth, I was never a loner.  I know that is why this has hit me so hard and the fact I am much older and made that lifelong commitment with the perfect person for me.  Way back when I was rarely without a guy and had very close friends.  Worked days and nights were hitting the clubs.  Steve and my life had a lot going on and slowed as we aged, but were never total homebodies.  To go from that to an existence that is totally foreign is really tough.  I think we would be close to homebodies more now and that would be OK.  At least we’d be together facing what time steals in abilities.  But I get what your saying.  This is a kind of loneliness that isn’t chosen or comfortable.  It’s dark, cold  and unfamiliar.  It’s one I wonder every day if I will ever adapt to.  I’ve had years to try and have time do it’s thing and it hasn’t happened yet.  I have a whole new life I never wanted.  I can’t find things that ease the changes anymore.  They stopped being effective.  I care about less and less every day.  I do a lot of things out of habit from my time with him.  But I can only buy so many groceries and have to pass on trying to keep up with his Mountain Dew addiction.  I hate having the TV on so much to stop the 'loud' quiet.  You’ve lost something that was once comfortable for you because of love.  We all made a choice that landed us here.  Sometimes I wish I never walked into that bar where he was playing, others I remember the best high I ever experienced setting eyes on him.  And now here we are.  I don’t t even know what this 'here' is.  

[kayc]

When George died, all our friends disappeared.  One turned up, I was so desperate for someone to talk to, frantic, not yet having clarity of mind.  He claimed to be a friend of George's...we talked regularly and eventually married.  One of the biggest mistakes of my life!  He turned out to be a con that used my credit to the tune of $57,000.  He never lived with me but lived with two other women during our short marriage.  It was a horrible time and I try to forget it.  I ended up with his last name and his cat, that was it before I divorced him.  Had I given up a bit sooner I could have annulled it, how I wish I could have!  I do not consider it a marriage as he was never a husband.  He had no intention of being a husband, just using and discarding me.  It's embarrassing that I had to be the stupid one that fell for it, but alas when we're deep in the throes of grief, we're in that grief fog and anything can happen.  I'm glad not everyone has made such a stupid mistake.

15 hours ago, KarenK said:

I finally realized that the person I was seeking would never be found because he was already dead.

Exactly.  We miss what we had but it can't be replicated.  Steve and Patty were fortunate (a couple who found each other after loss).  I'm happy for them.

[scba]

I don't think it is a betrayal or any of that if someone decided to be on a relationship again. We have Steve and Patty here and we are all happy for them. I agree with what Karen said and Kay quoted. I discussed that with my therapist, I have no reply to what I would be looking on a new partner. Really. So, I am not looking at all. 

I always remember what Steve told us: a new partner should accept who else is coming with you into a new relationship. That was the wisest thing I read on this matter.

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, I've had a hard time adjusting to just being home all the time. My life consists of the grocery store, library, and Walmart. Every time I make a new piece of jewelry, I ask myself why. It's not like I'm going anywhere nice to wear it. It's just something to do to pass the time. Like you and Steve, Ron and I were always on the go. Not really far away trips, but always running off to New Mexico, Colorado, other parts of Arizona, and the cabin. We ate out most of the time. We'd do crazy things like seeing how many Goodwills or Big Lots we could hit in one day. Crazy, but fun for us. Maybe that's why I don't have friends. I'm too crazy for them.  LOL   Now, I go nowhere and it's really boring.

I've never really been alone. Married at 16, a mother at 17, divorced and remarried at 25. I used to crave peace and quiet and time alone. Be careful what you wish for.

[Gwenivere]

I can’t find where you said what Kay quoted, Karen, about finding the right person but he was dead.  I’d twist that a bit for me to I won’t find the right person because I already did.  There won’t be another.  

Reading the above shows me you did too.  Kay’s experience shows how vulnerable we can become.  I was so devastated I reacted differently as I had someone pursuing me.  I totally turned me off when he changed from being someone I chatted with at the nursing home to date stuff.  I resented he put me in the position of confronting him after declining offers to a direct cold ultimatum of reporting him.  I never thought about the financial possility. He was very secretive of his living situation and perhaps, along with feeling NO attraction, it was a red flag I unconsciously picked up.  Anyway, we are all different and that Steve an Patty found each other was a great thing here.  Neither ever posts anymore so I take that as a sign they are doing well.  

 

 

[Ruth T]

All of you speak of more or less shutting yourself off from the world yet you're so open and caring here...I understand that completely. I think that's why, after months of not being able to make myself go to a support group in town, I tried this. 

I don't dream of him often but I saw him last night. By day I feel myself forgetting bit by bit exactly what he was like and what we were like, but in my dreams everything is just as it was when he was alive, and when I wake up I'm so, so happy to have had him back for a moment, to remember him so clearly again. Of course I'm sad too, but oddly happier than sad.  

[Gwenivere]

I know for me, this is the only place I can be truly open and sharing.  In the world I live in out there, there isn’t anyone who would understand.  That is why I once posted we all became bilingual with this massive loss.  Some write short posts, others novels, and we all understand them perfectly.  Can you imagine what someone who never experienced this would think reading this place?  It would be educational if they could stick with it and yet they still wouldn’t comprehend the inner turmoil.  

I did a support group when my mother died.  It was a general support group.  Varied losses.  Only the people with the same losses could really connect.  It was all that was available at the time and when I got tired of not getting any feedback I asked the leader for a referral that led me to my first grief counselor.  It changed everything.  Finally someone who got it.  No one in my world had lost their mother.  I’m the first in what is left of that world to lose a spouse.  Frankly, I’m tired of being the trailblazer.  

I rarely dream of Steve anymore.  I was once able to put him out of my head while awake and I did see him often there.  Now I think if him all the time so he eludes me in sleep.  I miss that because in that world there was no cancer.  Just crazy dream stuff.  Happy stuff.  I look up Steve in my personal dictionary and there it is with all kinds of emotional definitions.  I wish it still applied.  Maybe someday.  

.

 

[kayc]

Not sure what the quote was either. 

This is the place where people get it. My support group does too, they have all been through this.

Glad you got a dream, I rarely do.

[KarenK]

Kay, you quoted something I said on Sunday afternoon when we were discussing looking for a new companion. Just thought I'd let you know where you saw it.

[kayc]

Ahh, I see now what was referred to!  Thanks, I'm getting old!

 

[Ruth T]

Yes, the "bilingualism" is really something. I have many friends who are so supportive and who have been mourning for me all this time, but that can be exhausting. Meanwhile, I've grown much, much closer to his family and friends, because they are mourning with me. 

[Laurier]

I lost my husband and soulmate of 42 years on April5, 2019.  He died suddenly of  heart attack.  He did not have heart problems so it was exceptionally shocking.  My grief has been so deep, my faith has got me this far and I continue to pray for strength daily.  I have tried to work through this without outside help, I have a wonderful family network.  But, somehow I still feel dead inside.  I don’t feel much anymore, I just function.  I do have a beloved pet who gives me something to take care of.   I am just struggling not knowing what feelings are coming next?  
 
 

[Gwenivere]

Hi Laurier, I’m so sorry for your loss.  I’m glad you have your faith and good family support.  But what they feel is not what you feel and never will be.  You mourn losing your partner, some mourn a father, brother, child, etc.  it’s a heavy weight as you are alone in this on the inside.  Feeling dead inside is absolutely normal.  I have always felt when my Steve died he took half of me with him and have been struggling to find a life that feels so incomplete.  It’s been years for me, but that feeling remains as we keep experiencing ways our lives are forever changed.  Only anther widow will truly understand.  Autopilot is normal too.  Pets help so very much but they can’t hold us or converse our pain with us.  Coming here you will find so many that can tell you feelings the have experienced and help with yours.  There is no knowning what comes next as this is a unique journey for all of us.  I can say I haven’t seen anything posted that someone as not felt at some time.  I hope you will share more to perhaps help with the inner loneliness.  

[widow'15]

6 hours ago, Laurier said:

I lost my husband and soulmate of 42 years on April5, 2019.  He died suddenly of  heart attack.  He did not have heart problems so it was exceptionally shocking. 

I have a wonderful family network.  But, somehow I still feel dead inside.  I don’t feel much anymore, I just function.  I do have a beloved pet who gives me something to take care of.  I am just struggling not knowing what feelings are coming next?  
 
 

Laurier:  Am so sorry to read of your loss of your dear husband.  How shocking to lose him in such a manner without any medical history of heart problems.

Your grief, as all of us on this forum, is so deep and April 2019 is still so recent.  You are blessed to have a family network to help you through this and I hope you will continue to find the daily strength to get through your day.  My loss of my husband is fast approaching 5 years and I still "just function" on some days.  The only way I continue to function is just to take one day at a time and try not to think too far into the future or worry about what is to come.  The future will come whether you worry about it or not.

I, too, have a sweet fur baby that gives me the courage to continue each day.  Hugs to you in your grief.  Dee

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Laurier said:

I have tried to work through this without outside help

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I want to welcome you here.  I'm glad you have a good support system, and also your faith, that can mean a lot.  May I ask why you choose not to have professional help?

I wrote this a few years ago of what I'd found helpful in the years following my husband's death.  I hope something in it will be of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Laurier]

My thanks to each of you who replied.  I am sorry for your loss too.  Your kind words and encouragements are welcome.   I have found some enlightenment in reading these strands, of others who have similar journeys.   
to answer kcey question, I honestly don’t know why I have not used professional help.  I have always thought myself as a mentally strong person and now I realize that doesn’t matter.  These feelings are deeper than anything I have ever experienced before, and much more uncontrollable.  Your tips are wonderful and thank you for sharing.

 

[Gwenivere]

I thought I was mentally strong too, and I am.  But nothing could prepare me for this and I had years to try until it became real and not as I imagined.  I ran thru every scenario.  But how do you imagine what you’ve never known?  I am grateful for my counselor as I can unburden a bit with another human being and not people that not only can’t get it, but I don’t want to alienate with my dark/sad side.  I have another persona for social needs after all these years.  I have his place too where I have made friends and know I will be accepted for who I am as I accept them.  You are strong.  Unbelievably so.  It just doesn’t feel that way.  That you posted proves that.  It may seem small, but it isn’t. To knowingly write about your deepest pain takes strength.  I can tell when I write here as opposed to playing a game to try and run away. Only you can decide if you want a counselor too.  I like the balance.  Plus this place is open 24/7.  

[kayc]

I always thought of myself as mentally strong too but this is unlike anything I had ever experienced.  It tends to kick us to the tee and leave us reeling.  I was just curious why you ruled it out, if you'd had a bad experience.  

[Laurier]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I thought I was mentally strong too, and I am.  But nothing could prepare me for this and I had years to try until it became real and not as I imagined.  I ran thru every scenario.  But how do you imagine what you’ve never known?  I am grateful for my counselor as I can unburden a bit with another human being and not people that not only can’t get it, but I don’t want to alienate with my dark/sad side.  I have another persona for social needs after all these years.  I have his place too where I have made friends and know I will be accepted for who I am as I accept them.  You are strong.  Unbelievably so.  It just doesn’t feel that way.  That you posted proves that.  It may seem small, but it isn’t. To knowingly write about your deepest pain takes strength.  I can tell when I write here as opposed to playing a game to try and run away. Only you can decide if you want a counselor too.  I like the balance.  Plus this place is open 24/7.  

Well stated Gwenevere, and thank you for the kind words and encouragement.  Most especially thank you for giving me a better understanding for seeking professional help.   I never really thought about it in that light.   I like the separation idea because I do tend to be a downer in every conversation at a point. Maybe unburdening elsewhere will help with that.
Thank you! 

[TameraSanders]

On 10/24/2019 at 12:56 PM, Sadmaiden said:

It's been 18 days since I've seen him. I am 50 years old - he was 54. We were best friends/soulmates/together for 8 years. It felt like a 1st date every time we were together... we had very few arguments and even those were quickly resolved. We truly loved one another wholly and completely.

Will be a month for me on 7/12 since my companion, my soulmate, my first and final love, Richard, left me suddenly and unexpectedly.  He is 52.  I will be 53 in August.  We were together for 3 years.  I wish we had been blessed with 8 years.  So much we wanted to be for each other and do together.  We were so happy and fulfilled.  We were not planning on being married, we had both been married when we were younger and decided that at our ages now, we didn’t need marriage to prove we were solely committed to one another, but we did look at rings 2 weeks before he left.  For the most part, though, everything you say mirrors our relationship.

On 11/17/2019 at 6:28 AM, Katie1 said:

My fiance died suddenly. I am broken without John. The pain is unbearable at times...the tears just flow....Wednesday will be two months. I don't want to hear about seeing each other again someday. I don't want to hear he is in my heart...by  my side...in the wind....sending me signs...........

I want him back. Physically in my arms...hand in hand....laughing...deep in conversation....lovingly gazing at each other.

I feel I am dying.

Exactly the way I feel.  I just want him back.  I will admit for selfish reasons only.  I love him and he fulfilled me, brought me total joy and I want that back to continue our lives together.  We have unfinished plans.  When I think about those plans, I just want to die and be with him it hurts so bad.

On 12/22/2019 at 9:48 AM, Ruth T said:

Which is why, as all of you are suggesting in one way or another, life now feels meaningless—I wake up, I complete the daily routine, I go to bed, repeat, with no idea why I'm bothering. As you said, Gwenivere, there's nothing promising or rewarding about it. 

Did any of you ever try to seek a life companion again, or did it feel pointless compared to having found your soulmate, or maybe like a betrayal of them? Please don't feel you have to answer this if it's too private, or maybe there's an already existing thread I should read that delves into this subject...

I hate my job.  I was making plans to move to be with Richard and was looking to secure employment in his area and as soon as that happened I was going to quit.  Now what do I have left, the job I hate.  The person I love, however is gone.  I’ve been working from home due to Covid but I just CANNOT physically go back to that job.  For the most part I get up sad, log onto the computer, do a few items, go outside to sit and listen to the birds and watch them, think about Richard and what was to be and become even sadder, try to do more work, go back outside, and then log off and go back to bed still sad and/or have a crying meltdown or recover from having had one before 5 o’clock.  Notice I said nothing about eating or drinking.  The desire is not there.  

I would never think of falling in love again.  Richard was the first man in all my adult life who made me feel loved, cherished and adored unconditionally and it took long enough for us to find each other and then get to that point.  At my age now, the same desire is just not there.  He was it for me and I was it for him and we committed to being together for the rest of our lives.  We needed more time.  

On 12/22/2019 at 10:21 AM, scba said:

I can relate with this. Last night I was collecting some pictures to send to my MIL. I made an effort and paid attention to me on those pictures. I could see how happy I have been, there was something in my expression, in my eyes, something that isn't there anymore. The difference was so evident to me. Truly, that who was me doesn't exist anymore. That face of serenity, that smile and those eyes are forever gone. 

I will never be that happy joyful person who brought joy to others again.  Being a part of Richard filled me with so much love and joy that it was easy to share that overflow with others.  That love and joy left with him that day in June.  I will never have it again.  I just exist now with no real purpose that could even provide me with half that amount of love and joy.  I know my love and devotion to our Savior should provide me with joy that is to share with others, and maybe that will again some day, but the true joy, smile and happiness of being a woman in love is to never be again.  

[Gwenivere]

You said everything so perfectly, Tamera.  Every word echoes how feel.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts.  I so feel for you and everyone that lost 'the one'.  I will never have that again and am so tired of outsiders saying 'never say never'.  Some of us know this is the truth.  Some did find others here, but they knew they are in a 4 person relationship now.  I’m happy for them.  It’s not in my future tho.  I don’t as much struggle with acceptance as I do with the daily living in a void that will repeat endlessly til I leave too.  I hate that even getting out it bed means hours of this emptiness.  

[Laurie echevarria]

On 18 of August 2020 I went to go find my fiance to take him dinner and get a motel room for us he was struggling with homlessness we had been together for 3 years I loved this man more then anything in the world ,I couldn't find him I looked and waited nothing then I got a phone call from a family care man telling me he talked to me earlier about my fiance dying I was like what the he are u talking about I have never spoke to u before and I found out that my fiance has passed that morning I still haven't found out how ,where anything his family didnt talk to me are him for awhile now problems from the ex wife interfering now hes gone never said good bye I don't know what to do I feel it's my fault why didnt I go earlier why ,why,why I'm pissed upset confused and sick to my stomach he was 53 yes old why jesse why I'm loosing my mind I came back jesse why u promised never too leave me .....no hope just gone in an instant......