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My boyfriend’s mother of chilled passed away


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my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years just got news   That the mother of his child has passed 2 days before my birthday. We planned an entire intimate trip with a lovely cabin to the mountains. And now he has blocked me out no communication mind you we live together he hasn’t told his son that they share together and i have no idea how to help him cope. Should i feel upset that he no longer wants to celebrate my birthday. I have never been in this type of situation or have ever expirenced anything like this before. Your response would b extremely helpful in trying to understand his situation and mine. But my boyfriend has full custody of his child n she visit randomly 3 times throughout the year. I have seen this child grow for the past 3 years day in and day out. Please help me n trying to understand how my boyfriend feels and how i can help with this process he has shut me out doesn’t speak much to me. Doesn’t express himself to me. He hasn’t told his son about his mother. But to my knowledge his son rarely asks for his mom n on occasion calls me mommy. The little boy is only 5 years old

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My dear, your situation is so complicated that I doubt that anything I can say will help. So long as your boyfriend has shut you out, doesn’t speak much to you, doesn’t express himself to you, and hasn’t told his son that his mother has died, there is precious little you can do to fix this. You can be as kind and patient and understanding as you can be, but you cannot know what he is thinking and feeling unless and until he chooses to let you in. You certainly can educate yourself about grief in general and about children and grief in particular, so you’ll have a better understanding of what your boyfriend may be thinking and feeling. And if you read something that you find especially relevant and helpful, you might gently encourage him to read it, too.

Here are some articles that I hope will help. Note that each of these articles includes links to additional resources:

Grief: Understanding The Process

How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

Explaining Death to Children

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I responded to you in your other post but will paste it here in your own thread.

I am so sorry.  There are a certain number of grievers that feel they can't do a relationship at the same time as grieving and he seems to be one of them.  My fiance of a year broke up with me when his mom was dying...by Fed Ex (to my office no less!).  After a period of no contact for several months, she passed, I sent him a sympathy card, and he called.  After yanking me around emotionally, I put a wall around my heart so I would not be further hurt and learned to let everything go in one ear and out the other as I realized he did not know his own mind and he was a mess.  We have, however, been able to maintain a friendship the last nine years.  I am glad for the clarification no contact gave me as emotions can really cloud our thinking.  I have learned a lot through my experience.  If either person is deep down wanting to resume relationship, friendship can't work as it can lead to manipulation on their part to get it back to relationship, when the other is not wanting that.  It has to be recognized for what it is.

Being upset that he doesn't want to celebrate your birthday doesn't help, but neither can you help how you feel...I view it that they aren't totally responsible for their feelings in grief, but on the other hand, I would not want a partner that I couldn't go through thick and thin with.  There is one guarantee in life and that is that death occurs, problems occur, and as partners, we do not want the other flaking out on us because hard things came along.  We want someone we can go through things with.  That doesn't mean any partnership is ever perfect, but you work on things, not drop each other.

One thing I was able to see in retrospect is that things were NOT perfect in our relationship, that we were NOT meant to be together, that things really did work out for the best.  But that doesn't mean I didn't love him, nor does it mean he didn't love me...just that we weren't right for each other.  We do much better as friends, expectations are different.

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