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tracyh8915

Loss of my beloved Lulu.. I do not know what to do.

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From the moment we saw her I knew you she was special. She was the little runt who had to be bottle fed and it seemed as if all odds were against you. I knew she was the one for me. I will never forget the first night I brought her home and she was in bed with me shaking and I promised her I would give her the best life imaginable. I made sure to know every health concern of a English Bulldog and vowed to do everything in my power to shield her from any illness or discomfort. When we had her spayed, the vet said "In my 30 years of practice, I never saw a female dog with such under-developed ovaries." I knew she was truly special. She went everywhere with me... work, to family and friends.. if she couldn't go, I would't go.

When she started limping, we thought she was having bouts of arthritis. You were 10 ... how could I have known her poor little front leg would have bone cancer. All of the professionals said we had to immediately take her little leg. They said that we would get a year (at best). I did not believe them as I would be sure that she would beat the odds.

I did not know what else to do. My heart broke the moment Daddy and I saw you. We made that promise to encourage you, help you and love you even more than we already had... if that is even possible. After those 10 years... When they told us you were born with one kidney... I knew you what it took to beat the odds.  

We went to 3 different oncologists until I felt we would have the perfect fit for you. We gave you every treatment possible. 

I knew you were slowing down. I felt blessed that I could carry more, kiss you every time you were in my arms.

I cannot believe that your lungs failed you. I was told that was a possibility but I said no ... not my Lulu. When Daddy called me to tell me you were turning blue and needed oxygen I fell to my knees. I tried to make it home to you. I made it on a flight... but I was too late. I cannot begin to tell you how a part of me has died. 

Words cannot describe the pain I am feeling. I am truly devastated you are no longer with me. I am so sorry I went out of town. I should have been there for those last two days and for that I do not know if I can ever forgive myself. I was in denial that the end was approaching. I could not wrap my heard around the fact that I may never see you again. 

You were my everything... my soulmate... my confident.

I lived for caring for you. I just want to be with you. To hold you again, to feed you again, to carry you again. You were with me for almost 11 years of every waking moment of my life. People thought I was crazy bringing you everywhere, they truly did not grasp the depths of our connection. 

How do I live without you? Our house is no longer a home without you. 

Will it ever get any easier? I always told you that you were my gift from God and that was an understatement. What in my life did I do to deserve the unbelievable love you gave me. I gave you my heart...my whole heart and now I feel an indescribable emptiness without you.

I just want to sing You're My Best Friend by Queen to you one more time as ...

"Ooh, you make me live

Whatever this world can give to me
It's you you're all I see
Ooh, you make me live now honey
Ooh, you make me live
Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine and I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
Oh, you're my best friend"
 

I do not see peace in my foreseeable future. I am in so much pain without you. My soulmate is gone and I cannot believe it. Daddy thinks I need to go to a support group. I don't know what to do. I am lost and in a fog. I feel like I failed you. I do know this ... I will love you for the rest of my life.

How do I move on?

 

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I have read your post and I am so sorry you lost your precious English Bulldog, Lulu.   From your description of her it sounds like she received all the love and care during her life that she needed. From what I have read you gave her all the love a precious animal could ask for.  I am sorry she is not with you in this life, but I believe that Lulu will always be with you in your heart.  Great love always brings a deep sadness when what we loved is gone.  The hurt is indescribable.  Those who come to this site are animal lovers. Allow the pain during this time. It will ease over time. 

Please take one day, one hour at a time. Feelings are just that ~ they are only feelings.  The feelings will pass.  I am so sorry you have to endure this pain.  I am so glad Lulu had such love during her lifetime.

We are here for you during this most difficult time.   Do you have a picture that you would like to share?

Anne

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@tracyh8915
I am so sorry...sorry that another person has to feel like this, go through this.  My dog died 11 weeks ago tomorrow (cancer).  We feel like we should be able to protect them from anything but we aren't God and our powers are limited.  We'd do anything we could for them, but we couldn't keep them alive no matter how hard we tried.  My dog was anything but a runt, he was huge, but he was my baby, and he lived with acute chronic Colitis, I had to cook for him.  He ate 4 cups/day along with probiotics, metamucil, fish oil, etc.  I never minded cooking for him, it was my pleasure, he was my joy in life, my incentive to keep going, my entertainment, my companion and best friend.  He was everything.  I, too, don't know how to live without him and I can relate to everything you wrote.  I got him when he was nearly a year and had him for 10 1/2 years, he barely made 11 1/2.  I, too, knew he was meant to be mine the moment I laid eyes on his picture. I could see his spirit.  I miss him more than life.  His grave is in my backyard, and reminders of him are everywhere.  My little boy, my heartbeat.

I don't know where you live, but if in a city it could be there'd be a grief support group for those who've lost a dog, there are also grief counselors that specialize in that.  I've found that our little ones are some of the deepest losses one can have, our connection was so great.  They make a quick study of us, they know us well.  I have no idea how I'll be able to do Christmas without him.  He always loved the putting up the tree, he'd watch every bit of it and loved looking at the lights. How can I do that without him here to enjoy them?  He'd gladly give up his spot by the window for a month, that was his donation.  To say I miss him is a gross understatement.

It sounds like you were a perfect parent.  I tried.  I still regret that I pulled him out of his doghouse to come eat, I should have left him be, he wasn't feeling good, he had cancer!  I wish I could take that moment back.  I know he forgives me but it's hard to forgive myself.  I was so terrified of his dying, I knew the moment he skipped a meal was the beginning of losing him.  I don't know why I fought so hard, cancer is a losing battle, they didn't discover it until it was too late. I fought because I was desperate, I couldn't imagine life without my Arlie in it.  Even now I honor him with everything within me.  I talk to him.  I go down to his grave and the neighbors can hear my wails. I want to hold him, I was to kiss he sweet smiling face.  How do I wait for eternity to be with him again?!

We feel our grief and thus we process it, little by little.  The Bible has a phrase, precept upon precept, well that's kind of how grief is, it's bit by bit, that's how we process it, it takes much time, it takes what it takes.  It could be the rest of my life, I don't see an end to this, that's for sure.  I've lost dogs before, but never like this.  This was my Arlie.

Do you have a picture you can share?  It helps to express yourself...I have two threads, one is Living with Loss, a story of my journey with him since his cancer diagnosis...the losing him began at that time as I was in anticipatory grief.  The other is Memories of Arlie where I share bits of his life.  I treasure each moment of his life.  Did you decide for burial or cremation?  

Anne is right, he is with you, in your heart, in the memories you treasure.  In so being you'll never be entirely without him.  I know you love him and he loves you and that will never be gone.  It continues even when their body gives out, nothing can destroy our love.
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

I hope this brings you comfort to think upon:

 

 

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Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I don't know how to get out of this funk. Today is a week since I got to see and hold my baby girl. I am lost without her. 

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It is eleven weeks today for me, it will take much time. I have been doing things to honor him, that helps.  Cry your pain.  Don't hurry to get rid of her things, take as much time as you need to grieve and honor this beautiful life you were blessed to have for a time.  It's very hard to transition from having them physically present with us to being in spirit.  I hold on to the hope of being with my Arlie again.  He was more than "just" a dog, he was my closest being, my protector, my companion, my joy, incentive for continuing, my purpose (I was his caregiver), everything.  

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Kay, thank you for your support and kind words. I am totally with you. Lulu was more than a dog, she was my soulmate, my constant companion and my heart and soul. I find it difficult to breathe. I am scared I will not get past the pain. She was with me 24/7. Work will never be the same. My home is now just a house without her. I pray to god that the pain eases some. I will pray for you as well! My condolences to you!

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20 hours ago, tracyh8915 said:

My home is now just a house without her.

Thank you...that's how I felt about Arlie too, he was everything to me.  My world of color turned grey the day I lost him.  I retired six years ago and it's been just me and him.  I wish I hadn't had to work/commute when he was younger.  And I wish I could have gotten a fence built for him sooner.  He deserved the best.

I hope the pain eases up some but I don't expect it to any time soon, I've never grieved so hard before, not since my husband died over 14 years ago.

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Your post hit me hard. Everything you said about your lulu is how I felt about my lulu. Lost her on 10/19. I’m devastated and lost. Know I grieve with you and I’m sending you hugs from California 💕 our lulus we’re so special. 

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