My sweet baby Maya

[Alexandra]

Yesterday my sweet kitten died..

I had her since March 2019, she was only 1 year old and she died from severe anemia caused by sterilization and other problems that she was born with.

I keep wondering and asking myself what if I didn't sterilize her or I would have taken her to the vet sooner, maybe she would still be alive, I'm sure she would be alive now..only if I knew. but we can't change the past, can we?

We only can learn from our mistakes. I still have another kitty, her big sister..but it's not the same without my baby girl.

I know I didn't have her for years like other people, but it felt like it. I am so devastated, I'm just waiting for her to appear somewhere, to stay with me when I cook, to sleep next to me at night...

I'm so sorry I couldn't save her, I hope she's in a better place and happy. I'll miss her so so much, my little bundle of love. Rest in peace my sweet baby!

[Maylissa]

I'm so sorry, Alexandra. That's a very unexpected blow, since she was so young! (Maya looks totally adorable, btw) I don't understand what you mean though - "severe anemia caused by sterilization." Did the vet clinic do something wrong, or was it more about her underlying health issues?? (since spaying shouldn't normally cause anemia, or severe blood loss) Was she a rescue cat? I ask because most cats are normally spayed much earlier than 1 year since they can become pregnant at only a few months old, and spaying also helps ward off other serious diseases. 

I knew a wonderful young cat who came from a backyard breeder who looked similar to your dear Maya, and she also died (or was euthanized?) at around 1 year old or less. She had obvious GI issues that her people weren't taking care of, or didn't want to pay to address. I knew her given name, but I called her Gem, as that's what she was, and she only "came" to that name afterwards. It broke my heart, she was so very sweet, and deserved a good, long life. So no, age has nothing to do with the grief we can suffer when we love someone. 

[Alexandra]

I took her from my boyfriend's courtyard when she was about 4 months because her brother passed and I wanted to save her because she was sick at that time. I kept her in my apartment. I couldn't spay her sooner because she was sick, she wasn't vaccinated, she was also skinny even if she ate a lot, and it took some time until we could spay her.

She was smaller than a normal cat at that age and I think she was born with other problems, because her sister, 5 months older than her, developed very well.

So I took her to this vet from the beginning, he knew her history, that she wasn't 100% ok, but he never questioned if it would be ok to spay her or at least take some tests before, to see if she has something wrong. After I spayed her, she gradually started to eat less, lose weight, she didn't play anymore. I took her to the same vet, he took her blood to do some tests, but it was too much blood taken for her little, weak body and it made it worse. The results were very bad so I took her to another vet, because at this point I didn't trust that vet anymore.

I took her to a clinique for animals, so they kept her on an I.V. to stabilize her, but she already was in a very bad condition. Her red blood cells were dying so we made a blood transfusion from another cat to buy some time. They couldn't  take any more blood tests because she was so weak. They managed to test for Fiv/Felv, hepatic and renal disease but the results were negative. So they really didn't know exactly what was the cause. They think it was an autoimmune disease that was triggered by the sterilization, they said it happens very rare and no one would have thought this would happen.

She had two days when she was a little better, she ate and she played a little, but then she became lethargic again.

She died because her heart was too weak and she couldn't take it anymore. They said she survived very long in her condition and they didn't see anyone like her. She was a fighter!

So..it was very unfortunate but some things could have happened to prevent this, that no one thought of. And I blame myself for not knowing better.

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Alexandra said:

I hope she's in a better place and happy.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know they were happy here, but I believe they are happy where they are too, perhaps they're able to peek into our lives, I don't know, but it helps me to consider it.  I cry on my Arlie's grave...it's been eleven weeks today and I'm sure the neighbors think me over the edge, but I've never been as close to another as I have been with him, I am missing him beyond words.  I bought a tombstone, I painted rocks for his grave but had to move them to his doghouse as the sealer wasn't sufficient for the rains.  Give yourself time to grieve, don't be in a hurry to dispose of her things, let yourself sit with your pain in understanding and care.  You are going through something hard and it is okay to feel it.  Arlie's coat still sits on a chair, I may never move it, I will go with what I feel able to do.  His basket of toys is still in the living room, his leash and collar hang by the door.  Everywhere is evidence of my dog...everything but him.  I want him to know this is still his place.  Outside is Arlie's fence, his pen, his doghouse, his bones.  If this was your spouse you wouldn't feel pressure to rush it, so why with our dogs or cats?

I am so sorry you are feeling guilt...guilt is a normal grief response, I look at it as our way of trying to come up with a different possible outcome.  Not that we ARE guilty, but we all have regrets or wishes for something to have gone differently, something we wish we could take back or change.  We were their protectors, yes, but sometimes we are unable to protect them from everything...I was unable to protect my baby Arlie from cancer, much as I wanted to.  Death defies us.  We aren't all knowing and all powerful.  We have our human limitations.

I hope these articles are of help to you.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[Alexandra]

Thank you very much for your words and I'm sorry too for your baby Arlie..

I know with time everything will be ok, but until then.. I'm so heartbroken, I miss her little soul so much.

[kayc]

She's very pretty...reminds me a little of my Miss Mocha (I lost her June 3, 2016), she had Siamese markings and blue eyes, but the tiniest little feminine voice.  We'll remember them always.

[Maylissa]

Oh my, that's so very sad, and once again, I'm so sorry all that happened to your dear Maya, and to you.

But I do know from a TNR rescue society that works to spay outdoor pregnant cats (and neuter the males), and then spays and neuters their babies once they're old enough (generally @~12 wks), that quite a few of these cats can have serious, underlying conditions, and that not everyone survives, despite some very dedicated veterinary and home care. Abandoned, or feral or semi-feral cats left to fend for themselves very often end up unwell and need the proper help to survive and thrive. Maya's mother obviously already had more than one litter, and the risks to everyone's health increases with every one these moms are forced to go through. So it's not surprising Maya wasn't able to thrive despite being rescued by you...but it's SO very good that you did! ❤️

I do agree the first vet absolutely should have checked for underlying conditions at the outset, since both Maya's and her parents' whole history was unknown, she had been living outside for awhile, and any surgery holds risks even for healthy animals. It's just basic good sense and sound veterinary practice to do a complete health exam if the animal's been ailing, so I find it ridiculous that this wasn't even done, given the circumstances. You showed good judgement in taking her to a different vet when this first one kept making mistakes. But HIS mistakes weren't your fault -- only HIS -- and unless you're prescient yourself you couldn't have predicted the outcomes of those. We rely on vets to know what they're doing, so it's not fair to their clients or patients when they mess up. The second clinic at least did quite a bit more, even though they still couldn't save Maya at that point.

It always frustrates and infuriates me when, unbeknownst to us at the time, our furbabies are subjected to what I'm just going to call "deficient" vets (&/or vet techs) or even worse ones, and damage or death results. Many people have been there, including myself. Our furbabies are precious to us, just as human children are precious to their parents, but these kinds of things even happen with humans, and of all ages. It's just that (so far) we've been accorded a bit more recourse to deal with medical mistakes or deficiencies when it affects human lives. Basically, it's a sad testament the poor model of our medical system that has existed for a long time now, and is being very slow to change. I have learned more than I ever wanted to know about that big, sorry picture...  But as much as that has pained me, learning as much as you can once you have experienced something like this, is a useful tool and lesson to carry forward from thereon. I also know that finding an excellent vet often isn't the easiest thing to do, and they can all make mistakes regardless. But as you learn more from these harsh lessons, you also become more empowered to ascertain who to put your trust in, and when. Even so, when we're already vulnerable (from worry and anxiety for instance), we can still falter. At core, it's often a lack of trust in our own ability to make the best decisions that really underpins our ensuing feelings of guilt. That's also our conscience at work, trying to protect us against further harm in future, i.e., wanting us to improve and just doing the job for which it was designed.

That said, if we're not (competent) vets ourselves, by rights, we ought to be able to trust in their experience and knowledge, and it certainly isn't fair that we sometimes can't. After all, we shouldn't ALL have to become doctors ourselves simply in order to get good care! So you don't need to take on all that responsibility, or blame for yourself, just because you couldn't have known what you didn't know then, or might never fully know. 

For help with these feelings, you may want to utilize some free EFT sessions dealing with both grief and guilt:

https://www.thetappingsolution.com/blog/grief-hurts/

https://www.thetappingsolution.com/blog/releasing-guilt-tapping-meditation/

To see what body points to tap on, here's a brief demo and explanation of what EFT is about, by Nick Ortner:

How To Tap  (to be clear, one point is UNDERNEATH the arm at the bra line)

Hoping this helps!

 

[Alexandra]

Thank you so much ..

I'm not a doctor of any kind. I am a cat owner since last year so I don't really know very much.. but still I could have thought at least to request some tests..

I've learned a lot from this and it's the worst that I had to learn in this way..

I miss her so much, my sweet loving baby.

[Maylissa]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

 I cry on my Arlie's grave...it's been eleven weeks today and I'm sure the neighbors think me over the edge, but I've never been as close to another as I have been with him, I am missing him beyond words.

Kay, I just wanted to say that after my Sabin's transition, I used to be suddenly forced to sit down outside (while out there supervising his sister/my furdaughter, Nissa) in order to sob uncontrollably and loudly, I was in so much pain and despair. But I never gave a hoot if neighbours could hear me, or what they might think. This was MY loss, MY grief, MY life, and "too bad, so sad" if anyone was "uncomfortable" with the realities of suffering such massive, personal sorrow. If anyone was, they wouldn't have been someone I would have cared to know anyway! Whereas, if they had heard and cared enough at some point to ask me why I was so heartbroken, and of course weren't prejudiced against "pet loss" and its very real effects, I may have gained a real friend. As it was, only one neighbour asked me a couple of months later if something was wrong, but only because she'd noticed I'd lost so much weight and she thought I was sick. Although I've since discovered her views on losing "pets" doesn't really marry with mine, at least that day she witnessed me bursting into (more endless) tears right in public view, and gave me a much-welcome hug and words of condolence as comfort. (and of course I've acted in kind for her, as needed through the years) I was actually surprised anyone might care even that much! So you never know...

[Maylissa]

Very sadly, Alexandra, most of us learn from these worst ways. I was quite unknowledgeable about cats, their care, vets, etc. way back in the beginning, too, as many people are, particularly when it comes to cats, vs. dogs, who have garnered more "status" in the western world. Thankfully, I didn't have to experience any serious health issues with my furbabies in their first 4 years...although I now know I had inadvertently set them up for later disease states (feeding cheap cat food & other issues), during the first years of their maturation, when it counts the most, which I deeply regret but don't blame myself for not knowing any better. After that, it became an increasingly necessary and steep learning curve, and naivety went flying out the window. We all have to start learning somewhere, from something that affects us deeply. But it's such challenges that have the potential to help us grow. And pain is quite the powerful motivator for us humans!

So if you've already learned some things, you're already on the right track, and at least you know there's benefit to gaining knowledge, and that you're capable of it. Learning is a life-long endeavor, but there are many who don't ever care to learn anything of import, or who just give up and claim they "can't" possibly learn, or they know all they need to know already. They become very dangerous people, who leave great harm in their wake.

But I'm sure Maya knows you're not like that, and were trying and intending to keep her alive and become well. Please remember, the pain of missing her is a measure of your love for her, and she deserves your remembrance, just for being her. 

[kayc]

I've heard that in some cultures they cut off a digit so the pain might release some of their grief...I understand that, i really do.  But me going without digits would do nothing to release the pain in my heart for missing my Arlie, for the suffering he did, he who was without rancor and so good...he was the joy in my day, the smile in my heart.

[Alexandra]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

he was the joy in my day, the smile in my heart.

I know... Maya was my heart, my life. I miss her so much, I still feel her, I feel her face in my hand and hear her meowing as I petted her.. 

[kayc]

It's hard, I know.  I'm sorry you're going through this too.  I wish we could go together instead of one of us missing the other.  I'd rather spare Arlie this pain than have him wondering what happened to Mommy.

[Alexandra]

Maybe one day we will see them again..

[kayc]

I'm banking on it!  

[Alexandra]

It's been 2 weeks... I still cry sometimes when I think of my baby girl. I think I start to forget how life was with her around. I can't feel her presence anymore..

But I miss her everyday and I don't want to forget my time spent with her.

[MartyT]

I think one of the best ways to remember the time you spent with your baby girl is to write down everything you want to remember about her ~ all the pet names you had for her, all the funny and silly things she used to do, some of your most special moments with her. An excellent example of this is Kay's thread sharing memories of her beloved Arlie: 

 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Alexandra said:

It's been 2 weeks... I still cry sometimes when I think of my baby girl. I think I start to forget how life was with her around. I can't feel her presence anymore..

But I miss her everyday and I don't want to forget my time spent with her.

You won't forget.  I've lost nine dogs and 13 cats and you don't forget any of them.  It's been three months tomorrow since I lost my Arlie and I still cry although the tears are drying up I still go through the gut wrenching cries on the inside.  I will always love and miss him, my special boy, no one could take his place, ever.

I'm sorry for your pain, I know it really hurts.