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rose345

Newly heartbroken

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I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is my person. He is who I feel most comfortable around. He makes me feel good and he’s the person I speak to everyday. About a year ago, his mother was diagnosed with cancer. I was very supportive about the situation. As time went by I always checked up and asked how she was doing, I came over and spent a lot of time with him and his family. Throughout this relationship, I started to feel unloved or feel  that my love was too strong and his was not. I expressed this to him a few times, and now I feel like I put too much pressure on him. This past week he’s been acting strange towards me, almost just very quiet and not trying to see me or telling me what’s going on. I asked how things are with his mom, and he explained not well and it was hard to make time to see me because of what was going on. I was understanding, but also very sad. When he finally got the chance he saw me and explained to me that his mother will pass any day now, he is under going depression, and other personal matters. He explained he was very stressed, overwhelmed, and not able to handle everything that’s going on around him, nor a relationship. He explained he needs to work on himself, and has way too much going that he cannot handle being in a relationship. He told me this isn’t easy for him, but he thinks I’m not getting what I deserve because he cannot give me what “I deserve” because of what’s going on, even though I really just want to be there for him. I was very understanding and told him I will always be here for him during this time, to reach out for anything at all, etc. Even though I stayed strong in front of him, I have not been doing well. My heart aches not only for the loss of our relationship, but the sadness he’s feeling, and what him and his family are going through. I don’t even feel this is real. I know this is only the beginning of our breakup but I do not know how to cope. I can’t stop crying. My heart hurts. I feel so un-motivated, and all I want to do is reach out to him but I am trying to hold back from any relationship matters and to just be there for him. The last thing I sent him was a reminder that I will always be here and that I care about him dearly, and to please let me know if he needs anything. Even though the passing hasn’t happened yet, I am hoping he will let me know. I am going to check up on him a few times but not too much as I want to give him his space. I hope he lets me know because I want to show my respects for him and his family. This whole situation is giving me anxiety. I can’t stop thinking about him and all I want to do is hold him tightly. I try and distract myself, but any time of silence I can’t help but break down and feel pain. I wish he would allow me to be there for him during this time, and I don’t know how I’m going to handle this for what is it come. I’m really sad :(

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This sounds very sad and I have no idea how old you are but as Ive lost two husbands and married 3 times it sounds like the relationship was not at all what he wanted, I cannot imagine wanting to shut out anyone during such a time. AS painfull as this will be the last thing you want in your life is a boyfriend who disappears when things turn bad. If he truly loved you he would be running back to you at every moment he felt down, I notice no one wanted to express there thoughts. This is harsh but he is clearly  is not into you as the movie says.

He is correct, you do not deserve this treatment

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13 hours ago, Lynda1 said:

it sounds like the relationship was not at all what he wanted

Not necessarily.  He might have been as happy as can be with her before this grief hit.

13 hours ago, Lynda1 said:

I cannot imagine wanting to shut out anyone during such a time.

You and I can't imagine it but a certain percentage of people DO respond this way in their grief.  Their grief is overwhelming and it shuts out other relationships, particularly one that might require something from him...he's depleted and has nothing to give.

@rose345  I am so sorry, and now it's you who is grieving, grieving the loss of a relationship as you knew it.  I, too, went through this, from my fiance of a year.  His XW could be there for him, his friends and neighbors, but not me...I was shut out.  It has nothing to do with him not being into you.  It has to do with his grief.  Who knows where this might have gone had this not happened.  But it did happen, and if not now, some time it would have for things do happen in life, it's guaranteed we will be hit with grief/loss at some time or another.

13 hours ago, Lynda1 said:

AS painfull as this will be the last thing you want in your life is a boyfriend who disappears when things turn bad.

This part is true.  We want a partner we can go through thick and thin with.  It should be reciprocal, we should be each other's right arm.  That doesn't make him a bad person, just not THAT person, for you.  You are kind to want to be there for him and his family, in spite of being shut out, but I do hope you'll focus more on you, less on him.  The only one who can help him through this is HIM.  

Right now I hope you'll surround yourself with family/friends, you'll need them to get through this.  Be the best self you can be...take care of yourself physically, emotionally, in every way.  I want to be here for you, I know what it's like to go through this and it's really hard.  My house got really clean when my fiance broke up with me!  It's been over nine years and I haven't dated since...Lynda says she's been married three times, I've got that beat, I've been married four times.  The only one that truly loved me was my third husband who died way too young.  I've had two fiances besides.  I decided enough was enough and called it good.

But there IS life after loss.  I've learned I don't need someone to validate me, not that there's anything wrong with having someone, but that shouldn't be my motivation.  I've found purpose and built a life I can live.  I continue to miss the one loving husband I had but I'm okay living alone.  Growing OLD alone is a little different matter, I'm learning.

Hugs to you...I hope you'll come here and express yourself, cry, vent, whatever you need.  Be ever gentle and understanding with yourself, this is a tough time for you.

Lynda is also right that you don't deserve this, none of us do.

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On 11/1/2019 at 8:08 PM, Lynda1 said:

This sounds very sad and I have no idea how old you are but as Ive lost two husbands and married 3 times it sounds like the relationship was not at all what he wanted, I cannot imagine wanting to shut out anyone during such a time. AS painfull as this will be the last thing you want in your life is a boyfriend who disappears when things turn bad. If he truly loved you he would be running back to you at every moment he felt down, I notice no one wanted to express there thoughts. This is harsh but he is clearly  is not into you as the movie says.

He is correct, you do not deserve this treatment

I agree to a certain degree.   I am grieving my sister's death...she died tragically on my birthday 11/23 of 2019.  I have been married 35 years (separated 3 years but back together).  My husband is an introvert and does not handle emotions very well.  I need him to hold me and tell me its going to be ok.  I need him to make me laugh, make me smile..that's not his character.. however I love him and accept him as he is..however grief is super hard.   I am not taking sides but this is very hard for him and he is handling it the best way he see fit for him. I would not shut my husband out..however, I feel I am going through this without him.   When grieving it brings up all types of emotions..from the past to the present.  The best thing she can do is give him space.  He may/may not open up to her.

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On 11/1/2019 at 11:10 AM, rose345 said:

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is my person. He is who I feel most comfortable around. He makes me feel good and he’s the person I speak to everyday. About a year ago, his mother was diagnosed with cancer. I was very supportive about the situation. As time went by I always checked up and asked how she was doing, I came over and spent a lot of time with him and his family. Throughout this relationship, I started to feel unloved or feel  that my love was too strong and his was not. I expressed this to him a few times, and now I feel like I put too much pressure on him. This past week he’s been acting strange towards me, almost just very quiet and not trying to see me or telling me what’s going on. I asked how things are with his mom, and he explained not well and it was hard to make time to see me because of what was going on. I was understanding, but also very sad. When he finally got the chance he saw me and explained to me that his mother will pass any day now, he is under going depression, and other personal matters. He explained he was very stressed, overwhelmed, and not able to handle everything that’s going on around him, nor a relationship. He explained he needs to work on himself, and has way too much going that he cannot handle being in a relationship. He told me this isn’t easy for him, but he thinks I’m not getting what I deserve because he cannot give me what “I deserve” because of what’s going on, even though I really just want to be there for him. I was very understanding and told him I will always be here for him during this time, to reach out for anything at all, etc. Even though I stayed strong in front of him, I have not been doing well. My heart aches not only for the loss of our relationship, but the sadness he’s feeling, and what him and his family are going through. I don’t even feel this is real. I know this is only the beginning of our breakup but I do not know how to cope. I can’t stop crying. My heart hurts. I feel so un-motivated, and all I want to do is reach out to him but I am trying to hold back from any relationship matters and to just be there for him. The last thing I sent him was a reminder that I will always be here and that I care about him dearly, and to please let me know if he needs anything. Even though the passing hasn’t happened yet, I am hoping he will let me know. I am going to check up on him a few times but not too much as I want to give him his space. I hope he lets me know because I want to show my respects for him and his family. This whole situation is giving me anxiety. I can’t stop thinking about him and all I want to do is hold him tightly. I try and distract myself, but any time of silence I can’t help but break down and feel pain. I wish he would allow me to be there for him during this time, and I don’t know how I’m going to handle this for what is it come. I’m really sad :(

Grief is extremely hard.. I am currently grieving the death of my sister... she died 2019 on my birthday...there are no words.  Your BF is handling this the best way he see fit.  I felt myself getting into an isolated mode but I am currently in counseling..which is helping.  I know its hard for you to deal with because you love him and want to be there..but the best thing you can do is give him his space.  I pray he open up to you at some point.  Nothing wrong with checking on him from time to time.

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