Anticipating pain

[Vanush]

Hello,

i was wondering if I could seek some advice. I have met a lovely girl and we have dated for about 3 months, but I sense she was holding back.

She tells me recently that she is just out of a relationship and that she plans to go travelling, for anywhere up to 2 years. Her travel date is set around 8 months from now. 

I asked her about this and whether this is all headed to a dead end, and she said she was keeping an open mind, saying I could come with her or we could do long distance. 

She is a great girl and I feel amazing around her, experiencing a chemistry that is unmatched, it just feels right. However, I feel so tentative about many things: firstly, we have been dating for 3 months and she doesn’t feel ready to be “in a relationship” yet, despite wanting to spend all her time with me and doesn’t wanna see other people.

Secondly, she has these travel plans which seem to be non-compromisable. I think I could compromise for the right person for sure.

There are 2 questions here: firstly, how do I manage this? If I continue to spend time with her it very well may develop into something and she may compromise or we will figure out how to make it work. However, this may end in heartbreak and more wasted time (which I could spend with another). She also may perpetually be “not ready for a relationship”.

 

secondly, do I compromise for her (certainly not before I get a commitment): this would mean putting my career back and costing me around 15 grand to become a doctor overseas. The money may be good but I wonder if I’d ever be willing to make that commitment.

i cannot emphasise enough the strength of these feelings, the connection is amazing, but these circumstances are very tough.

 

any advice would be appreciated,

 

 

thank you

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

This is a grief site...I know grief, not so much with dating questions.  I guess you will go with your gut but honestly I wouldn't put my career on hold for someone I'd known for three months...but that is me with all that I know now after a lifetime of relationships and now I'm alone at 67.  You will likely do what you feel inside to do.

[Vanush]

Thankyou,

Would you still see someone if they planned to go away?

[kayc]

It depends upon how strongly I felt about them.  But then I tend to be tenacious to a fault and that has come back to bite me a few times.

[themermaidgoddess]

On 11/3/2019 at 7:11 AM, Vanush said:

She is a great girl and I feel amazing around her, experiencing a chemistry that is unmatched, it just feels right. However, I feel so tentative about many things: firstly, we have been dating for 3 months and she doesn’t feel ready to be “in a relationship” yet, despite wanting to spend all her time with me and doesn’t wanna see other people.

I think the "not ready thing" is a red flag. Sometimes we want to anything for the power of love. We'd give up everything for this one person. AND that's amazing but...

Would she do the same for you?

Her saying she's not ready could mean maybe not being ready to go all in. I tend to think that when people say they aren't ready they do hurt people.

Listen to your brain and your gut. Not your heart.

That's all I can really give, best of luck to you!

[Vanush]

On 11/9/2019 at 4:25 AM, themermaidgoddess said:

I think the "not ready thing" is a red flag. Sometimes we want to anything for the power of love. We'd give up everything for this one person. AND that's amazing but...

Would she do the same for you?

Her saying she's not ready could mean maybe not being ready to go all in. I tend to think that when people say they aren't ready they do hurt people.

Listen to your brain and your gut. Not your heart.

That's all I can really give, best of luck to you!

Thank you- what do you mean by “maybe not ready to go all in”- I have tried to figure out what this means?