I Can't Tell Them

[Haley]

cant tell

You are an amazing women!!!!!

Really you are. You have the strength to go on and take care of all the important things in life (your family) and get it all done. I also agree that your husband needs to have your guys kids that is there dad and that is who they need to be with for a few reasons like one they need him and he is going to need them emotionally and all the way around. God only know's when it is your time to go and nobody can control that but you can control keeping your family together and the key word is family really I had my kids around me when my MOM passed and it helpped out. Why can your mother and oldest daughter help out while he is working you no like keeping your family together like it needs to be.

I am so gald to hear that your insurance is still going and you can get the care that you need now lets all take a second to pray they come up with a cure for you.

You are an insperation to your family. Keep strong and going but take it easy

Thanks

Haley

[STARKISS]

Hi Can't Tell,

I think that you are truly amazing!!!! You are hear listening to everyone else eventhough you have such a fight on your own hands... I think that it takes someone special to do this and I am very inspired by you... Take care and I will keep you in my prayers Shelley

[can't tell]

Everyone,

Thank you for your wishes and prayers...but most of all, for your advice.

I have decided to leave my two youngest children with thier father. I was afraid that they would be too much for him in his grief, but thanks to all of you, I now understand that they will all need each other.

Please don't keep telling me how brave or wonderful I am. I am only saying the things that your loved ones would have said if they had the time. We all loved our families, and all of us felt the same way. I am one of the few who was lucky enough to say all the things that I need to say before I go. If you see something in my posts that you needed to hear, please imagine that your loved one said it. They would have, if they'd had the time or the ability.

Derek, thank you.

There are so few single fathers in the world that we need to be reminded ocasionally that they exist. I hope my husband will be as wonderful with my children as you are with yours.

[STARKISS]

Hi Can't tell,

I am here to tell you that if you want I will keep you in my prayers and I will not tell you anymore that you are brave I guess after so many people tell you it starts to sound not sincere anymore... Take care and keep posting God Bless you Shelley

[can't tell]

Hello

I am the daughter of Can't Tell, the woman who started this topic.

My beautiful mother died October 1, 2006. She died in her sleep of heart failure. My father woke up in the morning and found her gone.

She left us all letters, and in mine she left this website, along with her log in and password. She wanted us to read all that she had written.

I'm really not ready to talk about her death yet. I miss her so much. I do want to let you all know what she was like.

She had a phd in biology when she met my father. He barely graduated from high school, but she was not a snob. No one ever loved another person as much as my parents loved each other. My mother stopped working when my brother was born and never looked back.

I grew up in a house full of love and some of the most unusal barbeques and parties! A party at our house meant that phd professors and scientists mingled with uneducated rednecks, all close friends of my mother. She loved them all! I thought it was normal for a NASA scientist to laugh and joke with a bartender or waitress. It was not until I went to college that I realized that this was unusual and only happened in my house. My mother made them all feel loved and welcomed.

All 5 of us kids had so many stories to tell at her wake and I would like to share one here. When I was in high school, I met a boy who had long hair, piercings, tatoos, and was very angry. His parents drank and used drugs, so he raised himself. He hid a love of literature and poetry, because that was not cool. Something told me to bring him home with me. In our house, that was normal. Mama always made too much food for dinner, because we never knew who would show up.Well, my mama took one look at this boy, and shoved a knife in his hands. Within ten minutes, they were sitting at the kitchen table, chopping vegetables together and debating Mark Twain and Charles Dickens. I had never seen this boy not angry, but he laughed with my mother and they spent hours discussing books. My father is from Germany, so he pulled out some of his books, in German, and translated bits of German authors so we could all discuss the merits over dinner. That boy went home with three college-level literature books, and an assignment from my mother to read and be able to discuss three short stories and two poems. Two days later, he told me he had read them all, so I brought him home. He did not believe that Mama meant that he was always welcome in our home. He soon found out that EVERYONE was always welcome in my mama's house!

He lived with us for three years, sleeping in my brother's room and studying literature. Mama cried at his graduation because his own parents weren't there. When he joined the Army, Mama was the one to email him and pray for him

He wasn't able to come home from Iraq for the funeral, but we will save her ashes and he will be with us when we scatter them.

That was my mother.

I also grew up with several pets, as my mama couldn't bear to see a hungry or injured animal. She brought home every stray she saw, got them fixed, paid vet bills to get them healthy, then found them homes.

That was my mother, and I am going to miss her so much! My baby sisters, ages 15 and 16 will stay with my dad and my Gramma and I will help raise them. I left my current college and moved home to help my dad. Mama would haunt me if I don't finish college, so I am going to enroll at the local college and live at home until Dad and my sisters can cope without me.

Thank you all for helping Mama make decisions and being there when she needed to talk about leaving us. I know that she did not want to die, my mother loved life and people so much.

One more thing to explain my mother. She left her body to the local medical school so that new doctors could learn anatomy. She told my dad that she wanted new doctors to get more familiar with her internal organs than she ever was!

A great sense of humor, a big heart, an incredible brain. Everyone who ever met my mama is going to miss her so much.

[dpodesta]

I am very saddened to get this news. It seems like it was just yesterday that Can't Tell logged in and posted. I am thankful that she left you this web site with login and password. Hopefully with time you will be able to share all of this with your family. This site has been a life saver for us that have lost loved ones. I think you will find that you will not be judged here. Your mother was a very kind and considerate person that I wished I could have met. For her to take the time to come here and look at the pro's and con's of weather or not to tell you what was going on. Her concern about family, the opening of her house to neighborhood kids and treating them as her own. She will be missed by many. You are very blessed to have had a mother such as her. I hope to see more from yur family in the future.

Derek

[missingcharlie]

Oh my gosh! I, too, am very saddened by your loss and I know that everyone here will be writing as soon as they read your post! We all thought that your mother was so brave. I know when she first wrote us in June she was very distraught and I think she just wanted someone she could talk to that wasn't part of the family. She was so torn as to whether to tell you all of her illness and I think we convinced her that she needed to tell you. We all have experienced a great loss and we understood how all of you would feel when this happened to your family. Once again, I have so sorry and my heart goes out to all of you!!! Your mother sounded like a wonderful person who had an extremely big heart and really cared about people. (something you don't find everyday) She was special and that is what you need to keep in your heart, always!!!!

We hope that when you can, you will come here and write some more to us. We will be looking forward to that day. Many hugs to you and your family from "our family", here.

Patti

[MartyT]

Dearest One,

We’re all so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved mother; please accept our heartfelt sympathy. We already knew your mama was a very special lady, but by sharing these wonderful stories about her, you’ve helped us see her through her daughter’s eyes, and we are so very grateful to you for that.

In her willingness to share so openly and honestly in this forum how it felt to be saying goodbye to everything and everyone she’s ever loved, your mother gave all of us the priceless gift of seeing grief and loss from the unique perspective of the person who is dying. For one who lived her life so selflessly in the service of her immediate and extended family, I simply cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for your mother to say goodbye to all of you, much less for all of you to see her go.

I'm sure you already know that the bond you have with your mama will be with you always, just as long as you keep her memory and the love you share with her alive in your heart. You will always be your mama’s daughter, and she will always be your beloved mama. Death may have ended her life, but it certainly does not end the relationship you have with her. Although she is no longer physically present, it doesn't mean that you cannot continue to love her in her absence.

I hope the precious memories you have of your dear mama will one day bring you comfort, and that you’ll come to find, in the lovely words of Hugh Robert Orr:

They are not dead

who live in lives they leave behind.

In those whom they have blessed,

they live a life again,

and shall live through the years eternal life,

and shall grow each day more beautiful,

as time declares their good,

forgets the rest,

and proves their immortality.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this sad and difficult time.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[Penny1]

My dear,

I cannot express my sorrow over you losing your mom.... she did talk about her fears and our only hope is that somehow whe helped her through her difficult journey...

It was very nice of you to take time out of your pain to tell us about her and her life... thanks

Hopefully you will come back to this site and share some more of the wonderful memories you have of her.. I know all of us would have liked to have had the chance to get to know her more...

Our hearts go out to you and your family and we are all here to support you or any of your family members in this time of grief...

You will be in our prayers...

Take care

[STARKISS]

Dear Family of Can't Tell,

I am very sorry for your loss, I have been very connected to this website since her and I started talking here... I do think she was truly amazing and I will miss her on this website... I can not even imagine what you are all feeling right now but know that She did love you and you should continue to post here... As your mother found out their are people here that are truly caring and very understanding and maybe able to help you deal through your sorrow and pain.... Take care and I will keep you all in my prayers Shelley

[kayc]

Can't Tell's Family:

How very special your mother is/was! I know you will miss her the rest of your life. Most of us here have a belief that we will be reunited with our loved one, that there is just a gulf between our two world for now. The adjustments to "life without" are very hard, we wish you the best in your own grief journey. Your mom was always thinking of others, even when her own load was so hard to carry. I am very certain that she has a very special family, how could she not! She taught you some of the most priceless lessons of all! She will continue to be very much missed. I am very sorry for your loss.

[shell]

I am so saddened by the news of your mothers passing. She was an incredible woman. I can remember how touched I was when I first read her post, that she loved all of you so much she wanted to spare you the pain of her impending death. If only we could all be that caring. Thank you so much for letting us know. My deepest sympathies go out to your family.

Hugs to all of you,

Shell

[daddyslilgirl]

I am so sorry for your loss. Your mom sounded like a wonderful woman. Prayers going out to your family.

[spunkye]

I, too, am so sorry about your mother's death. She sounds like a wonderful and very special woman.

Thank you for sharing a small portion of her life with us.

Love, Benita

[LarrysGirl]

I wanted to extend my sympathy to you and your family. I would like you to know that your mother helped me to understand a different side to this grief process. I could relate to what she said to us, as my Larry was not able to tell us he had been told he would not survive. It has given me some peace and relief from the words your mother shared with us and I am thankful. Deborah

[AnnC]

Thank you for letting us know of your mother's passing, and please accept my sorrow at your loss. She gave me a great gift on this website, an understanding of what my sweetheart faced when he knew he would probably not survive. We all ask, Why, why, why? We don't have the answers, but she gave me some answers as to why my sweetheart did not talk to me when he knew his health was declining. It was a precious and selfless gift she gave to me, and I think of her so often. It's so clear what a wonderful and loving person she was and still is in heaven, where she will watch over you forever.

I am so glad she directed you to this website -- you can say anything here, vent your feelings and whatever you need to get off your chest, and we will listen and understand. Grief is a hard, long journey, but it is lightened when shared with others who have felt the same pain.

[can't tell]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. Mama really enjoyed talking to all of you, and by reading her posts, I understand how much she hurt about leaving us. When she told me she was dying, I already knew and wanted to leave school in order to take care of her. She wouldn't let me, so I came home every weekend to take care of her. She was so happy when my brothers, sisters, and I repainted the bathroom!

I am worried about my dad. He sits on the edge of the bed he shared for 28 years with my mother. He hasn't cried yet. We are all trying to take care of him, but we don't know what to do. He won't talk to us. One of Mama's friends came over yesterday and talked with him and he cried a little. Maybe he feels that he has to be strong for the five of us and can only talk to adults? I don't know.

I knew that my mother was dying, but sometimes I get so mad at her for leaving me! I want to be a little girl again and feel her arms around me, telling me that everything will be okay. Now I know that nothing will ever be okay again. My dad won't talk to anyone, my sisters are hysterical, and my brothers are trying to play Dad's role in the family while I try to play Mama's role. It isn't working. We all just walk around in tears or angry. I need my Mama to tell me what to do!

Will we ever be a family again without Mama holding us together?

[AnnC]

((((HUGS)))))

Your reactions are very normal for grief. So are your family's. Your father may still be in shock. Many people can't cry at first because their brain is protecting them with shock from taking it in. This is okay, it's normal.

Grief is something you cannot fix, it's a journey you have to go through. The best thing to do for yourself is try to be gentle with yourself, eat and sleep healthfully as much as you can, and let yourself cry. You may feel like the crying will never stop, but it will. The tears actually have a chemical that helps you to cope and eventually heal, although you never return to who you were before -- you change. The best thing you can do for those you love who are hurting too, is listen when they want to talk, and just be there when they don't. It's tempting to try to get them to do what you think they should, but each person's journey through grief is unique, and to be respected.

One of the myths of our society, is that you "have to be strong." Why? You have lost one of the most important people in your life -- of course you are devastated! How could it be otherwise? And another myth is that you should "get over it" quickly, which is ridiculous. No one "gets over" the loss of a loved one. People have different ways of coping, but need to grieve.

Some people need to talk, some need to do something (like chop wood, work in the yard, clean house), some just need to sit for awhile.

Anger is part of grief, too. Many bereaved people have spoken of snapping at someone at work, or becoming unexpectedly furious at having to wait in line at the store, getting unreasonably angry at family members. Grief is stressful and exhausting, and so you just don't have the energy to put up with things as you normally would.

Most churches and hospice and hospitals have grief counseling resources. The one I went to had special sessions for families, groups, and individuals. These can really help, because you are assured that your reactions are natural for a bereaved person, and you meet other people who understand what you are going through, because they are going through it too, and you are not alone. Counseling is not the answer for everyone, but I found it extremely helpful.

My heart goes out to you -- when you are in the midst of grief it's scary and it's impossible to see where it will lead you, but try to trust that this journey will eventually bring you peace. I am finding now, after 2 1/2 years, that I have moments of peace, largely because of the counseling and crying and journaling, and mourning. When he died, I cried for two years. Now I don't cry every single day (just most days), and the tears are not as agonizing -- there is light at the end of the journey, though you might not be able to see it yet.

Reading this website and Marty T.'s Grief Healing site can give you some reassurance of what grief is like, and that you and your family are reacting normally. That at least helps reduce your concerns and worries over this experience that has turned your world upside down. My grief counselor was always telling us that we were not going crazy, we just felt like we were.

And you can always talk to us.

[Penny1]

Hi

I am glad you came back...

Sorry to hear your family is struggling...but it is all part of the grieving process...

Your Dad may just need some time... remember everyone has their own way of dealing with losing someone so precious... you may find that you need to talk about it and he may be silent and not want to discuss your Mom at all....

Try not to take it personally... he just needs to have the priveledge of grieving your Mom in his own way...

You too will find that you will have your own needs in this journey and keep in mind we are all here to support you...

Will we ever be a family again without Mama holding us together?

I can so relate to your question.... My Mom was the glue that held our family together too....I have come to accept that my family will never be the same...

It has taken lots of counselling and reading books to be able to understand and accept the many changes that have taken place since Mom died...

My counsellor made a suggestion that I would like to pass on to you.... find a beautiful candle, a special holder (one your Mom would have loved) and light it every night. Use this time to gaze into the flame and let the peace surround you as if your Mom is there with you... take this time to just sit and talk to her....tell her about your fears, your love for her....cry and be close to her...

Hopefully if you try this, it will work for you as it did for me.... I lit my candle every night and talked to mom for about a month... soon after I found I no longer needed to light it every night.... only once in awhile when I am really missing her...

You have so much ahead of you and I know how difficult it will be... keep in mind, you are not expected to be the strong one all of the time... don't forget to give yourself the time you need....

Take care we are all praying for you and your family...

[kayc]

I am so sorry you are in so much pain with losing your mother. As you've already been told here, your feelings are very normal...so is your dad's. You can't fill your mother's role (nor would she want you to) any more than your brothers can fill your father's. Nothing will ever be the kind of "normal" you knew before, but eventually, way down the road, with a lot of effort, you will begin to find a new "normal". I would encourage you to talk to your dad about YOUR feelings and assure him that it's okay for him to talk with you any time he wants to. I would also encourage some counseling for your family to help you deal with this death and all of the adjustments that come with it. I wish there was a quick fix but unfortunately we all know that there isn't. There is, however, help and hope...there are counselors, support groups, books, and there is this site. Please do air your feelings, they are valid and they count.

[STARKISS]

Hi,

I would like to send my sincere sympathies to you and your family, What you are feeling right now is some shock and other emotions that are perfectly normal... What your dad needs is time, after all he and your mom were together for twenty eight years... He is in shock and will need to come out of it his own way... Just let him know you are here for him and keep posting on this site... You will find out that the people here know what you are going through and are great listeners.... Take care and I will keep you and your family in my prayers... I will ask God to give you the strength to finish your grief journey With big hugs Shelley

[spunkye]

Dear Penny,

I love that candle idea. I think I'll do that for myself and Dick...although I am a little afraid of doing it because I think it will just set me off on a crying jag ....and I'm sooooooooooooooo tired of crying.

Maybe in a little while I'll start it.

Love, Benita

[Penny1]

Hi... just wanted to add...

Lighting the candle made me pour rivers of tears.... I did it at night just before bed.... I took this time to reflect back on all of the wonderful memories I had with Mom... I talked to her about our special times...

This time I used to tell Mom all the things I never got to say...

It was kind of weird, the flame of the candle would dance all over the place and then it would just burn a slow steady flame... it was almost as if Mom was there in the room with me...

I guess that was why I found so much peace in this....

I hope it will help if you try this...

take care God Bless

[STARKISS]

Hi Penny1,

What a wonderful ideal, I think if you do not mind I would like to try it too. I do think that our loved ones spirits are around us sometimes and yes maybe your mom was there with you... Take care Shelley

[LarrysGirl]

I had to write and respond about the candle, even though this day is wearing me out. My head hurts I miss him so badly.

I wanted to share that only a few months after Larry died, one night when I went to take a bath, for some reason I lit a candle in the bathroom. I was crying and trying to stay in the bathtub (his last few hours were around this room and I hadn't been able to stay in the room very long). I looked over at the candle and was begging if you are with me still somehow let me know and the candle that had been waving back and forth became still. I stared at it, cried some more. Then when I was getting out of the tub the candle was moving very fast, so much so, that I got upset for it seemed like his struggle and I spoke again to him and said I miss you, I love you, and the candle became calm again. For those of you that think I've lost my mind ( I can only wish) its okay because I wouldn't normally believe such a thing but I have to say that I could feel him around me even though it broke my heart. Deborah