I Can't Tell Them

[Jamie]

Dear Family of Can't Tell:

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother. I wanted to let you know that we are truly blessed to have had such a strong lady talk with us and give us so much insight even while your mom struggled herself.

Please don't ever feel that you have to be strong here, if you need to talk, or tell us that you are having a bad day or a good day or a nothing day, please do.

Again, I send you my deepest sympathy and many hugs for you and your entire family.

Jamie

[can't tell]

I tried the candle. It did really help. I imagined my mother,and how she would feel about me right now. In my imagination, Mama gave me a hug, and held me to her breast as she has since I was born. She also told me not to be her, that I had to be ME, and that was the only way I could heal.

That's my mama. She was always so proud of all 5 of us, and encouraged us to be different people. She loved me for me, not for my brothers and sisters. I love my family, but it did help me remember that Mama always wanted me to march to my own drummer.

Thank you.

Another thing...

Thank you so much for all of the wonderful things you have said about my mother. I know that she was strong, and selfless, and loving. But to hear that from "strangers" or people who hardly knew her, it means more than you could know.

Mama died in her sleep, but she saw her doctor for another very painful test the day before she died. She actually apologized to the doctor for making him see her like that! Yes, he was a student of a friend of my Mama's.

But still, she felt guilty for putting a doctor through the agony of not being able to help.

Thank you. I try to relieve my own agony through the wonderful memories you all have of my mama.

Randa

[Penny1]

Hi Randa

I am glad that you tried the candle.... it is also nice to know your name now too...

The candle worked wonders for me... lots of tears and many exhausted crashes when I was done but I felt somehow at peace when I talked to my Mom...

Another suggestion if there was a special thing only you and your mom did together like crafts or a special place to go to then try it... I have a blanket my mom crochet for me a long time ago... it was put away because I was always scared to use it in fear that it would get worn out. I now have that blanket hanging on my computer chair and when I feel cold and lonely I wrap myself up in it and imagine that my mom is hugging me...

I spent many days at the beach with her little teddy bear and talked to her there too... I am sure some of the people who passed by thought I was a nutcase but it helped me so much....

It is so hard and life just seems to suck you dry at times like these but try to take in the beauty of this world when you can... go for a walk on the beach, sit on a mountain top and just listen to nature and try to find some peace in your life... oh ya I down loaded a bunch of meditative music that I listen to when I am alone.

I know it is easier said than done but trust me please that this will get easier...

It was so nice to hear from you again and you are in my thoughts....

[shell]

I can't add anything more to the great advice the other posters have given you. Just wanted to say hang in there. And please keep coming to this site, it not only helps you, but us as well. I think we all loved your mom because of the poignant post she wrote and we are so grateful to you for letting us know what happened. We would love to get to know you too.

Hugs to your whole family,

Shell

[ustwo]

To your family...I am so sorry to hear of your Mother's passing. In such a short time here she reached out to all of us through her own pain. How remarkable a woman! She touched me deeply. Her family was most important in her life....her family is where she will continue. She is a beautiful spirit.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Mark S]

I am the long-haired, tatooed, pierced boy that has no biological connection to the woman all are talking about.

No connection? Mama saved my life.

She loved me, she listened to me, she welcomed me into her home. I remember being the child of drug addicts, and Mama loved me the moment I stepped through the door. Mama had a rule, if you showed up early for a party, you had to help. If the party was at 7, all of the teenagers showed up at 5, just to sit at Mama's table with food to prepare. Those are the most precious moments of my life. I learned to chop peppers, prepare meat, slice vegetables. I am now a chef in the US Army. Mama's oldest son is a chef in Chicago. Mama turned to cooking when she quit work. She always said that it is not that much different from chemistry!

Randa, my sister, is not my biological sister. I say "biological" because I once, to my shame, said Mama was not my "real" mother. Mama snapped "What the hell, am I polyester?" I now know not to say "real" when I discuss Mama.

You can't imagine what it was like to find this woman. She opened my mind, but also my heart. I had never been loved before. She had never expected anything from me. She saw me as a son. She loved me, and gave me the confidence I needed to become a man.

I would like to share a story here. I have read everything, and this section seems to be a memorial to Mama.

I do have to explain...once I joined the military, I realized that people around the US do not understand they way we in the South revere our women. Our women are VERY respected. The "Gone with the Wind" way still stands. If a woman is not close to your family, she is Mrs. (last name inserted) to show respect. If she is close to your family, she is Miss (first name) to show that you have deep respect and regard for this woman. Never would a southern youth call a respected woman by her first name.

Anyway, I was calling this incredible woman Miss Celeste from the first time I met her. By the time I moved in, she was Mama C. Soon, she was just Mama.

She encouraged me to be proud of my accomplishments. After I took my SAT test, I was impossible to live with because of the scores. Mama bragged and threw a party. To my defence, no one had ever been proud of me before. I had never done anything that could make me be proud of myself. Mama looked at me with pride all night.

Anyway, I was bragging and crowing like a rooster. Finally, one of Mama's friends took me aside. He pointed to a blinking light in the sky, and told me that it was the space station. I knew this man, he had invented something for the space station. Mama had thrown him a party because she was so proud of his patent. I humbly admit that I have no idea what it was. Mama tried to explain, but the math and science was so advanced that I just nodded and said "cool."

Anyway, he pointed to the sky, to his invention. He then told me that Mama was the smartest person he knew! That he had begged her to be on his team when he invented the whatever-it-was that he had invented. She turned him down, because she wanted to be with the kids at home. She did do research for him, as long as it did not interfere with us.

Well, that brought the wind out of my sails! We all compare people to rocket scientists, but here was a rocket scientist telling me that Mama was smarter than him! And she gave it up, for her 5 kids and me.

Mama got mad at him for telling me that, and let me know that I should be proud of my SAT scores, along with everything else that I accomplished, because they were something that I had worked for.

I am proud of my SAT scores, proud of my military service, all because this wonderful woman gave me the ability to be proud of myself.

I am glad Mama helped all of you. I wanted to let you all know how she helped me.

I have to cry now. I still mourne her, and I always will.

[shell]

Mark S,

I'm crying right along with you. Thank you so much for sharing all of this with us. What a wonderful and remarkable woman she was. If we could only have more like her, the world would be a better place. I'm so glad the two of you came into each others lives.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[kayc]

Mark,

How well I can relate...I too have had some "adoptive" children. Before I gave birth my sister in law told me I didn't know what it was like to have real children. When I gave birth finally to my daughter I told her she was wrong, I'd had them both ways and there was no difference. Some of the "kids" I became mom to were "grown" and their families weren't there or hadn't ever learned how to be there for them. One is now my daughter's fiance and I couldn't possibly love him more than I do. I know firsthand what it is to love as a mom. My kids were never jealous of the time spent on "other people's kids"...my son, when he was grown, even wrote in a mother's day card what a wonderful mom I was even to those others who hadn't had one of their own...instead of feeling jealous, he was glad my heart was big enough to encompass more, and each and every one has enriched our lives. I am glad you got to have her and am sorry for your loss.

[Mark S]

Miss Kay,

Thank you for understanding. Many people do not understand why I think of this incredible woman as Mama, but I don't really care. I know why I call her Mama, and her family sees me as brother, so no one else matters. She also had several foreign exchange students who lived with her for a school year and still call her Mama. Those students kept in touch until her death, and now her kids (including me) keep in touch with the students. Once her oldest three left home, Mama couldn't stand the quiet. She started to take in foreign exchange students from AFS (American Field Service) to fill the gap.

Don't most parents WANT thier kids to go away?

One year, she had three of her own kids, me, a foreign exchange student, and I always got up early in the morning to see how many were sleeping in the living room! She refused to lock the back door, so she often cooked breakfast for 10 or more teenagers.

She was something!

She taught love, acceptance, patience, and things that we, at our age, do not know yet.

Thanks, Miss Kay. I'm glad someone else knows the feeling of being related to someone who is not a biological relative. When I read the "real children" quote, I wanted to call out Mama's favorite saying to people who criticized her, and ask if those kids were polyester!

Mark

[LoriW]

Randa and Mark,

I am so sorry for the loss of such a wonderful woman, you Mama. She sounds like a sweet yet strong woman and placed family before all others.

I am glad you have visited this site for healing and comfort and to see the strangers your Mama touched. She made a profound impact on so many.

I can relate to your loss as I lost my Mom. It has been the most difficult thing I have had to endure. I miss her deeply. Just last night I wrote her a letter to let her know what happened this year. I cried through the entire letter but I felt closer to my Mom.

Thinking of your family and you Mama. Hugs and peace to you all.

Lori