Seeking comfort/support

[As12]

I think this has become my last resort in finding some comfort, some way of coping and just for someone to understand the pain instead of telling me it’s all okay, 

 

I lost my ex partner/bestfriend of 3 years, a year on the 20th of this month and it broke me completely, it was so sudden and unexpected as he was only 25 at the time, I am now 22 and still not finding it any easier than it was at the start, 

 

I constantly have moments where I call his phone hoping he would pick up just to hear his voice as he was the only person I could call late at night when I was having a bad day and he would just sit and talk til I was okay, but now I don’t have that and it’s all hitting me at once now that it’s coming up to being a year, 

 

Due to it being a car accident, all them adverts are on the TV at the moment, or you get the silly calls from people that you say you were in a car accident that wasn’t your fault it’s a real set back for myself, I’m still waiting 4 months later on my grievement counselling so I’m hoping this gives me some comfort or advice, 

 

 I also had the traumatic time of visiting his coffin the day before his funeral but due to the state he was in I wasn’t able to see him, but the funeral home had forgot to close his coffin so that image has been burnt in my mind, so when people say remember good memories of course I do but at the same time that’s my last image of him, 

 

im unsure what I’ll get from this but I’m hoping in some ways more than one it helps,

thank you for taking the time to read 

[Gwenivere]

I’m sorry you are here only because you have experienced such a loss and especially at such a young age.  This is a family that understands all aspects of grief and everything felt is valid.  Real. The phone calls, TV bothering you, they are triggers we have all felt.  Post anything you feel and we will hear you.  Share our experiences.  You are now forever changed by the void your partner left.  I’m not the person I was andnever will be.  People in the world that have not experienced this will never understand til it happens to them.  That us the hard part.  It’s been 5 years for me and my husband and I had almost 40 years together and people still try to tell me they understand and what I could do.  They have no clue.  I had a few years to prepare also.  It was not as I thought.  Yours was sudden and that is so shocking to your heart.  I hope you do find some solace here.  I know I come here whenever I have a tough time or something to share, good or bad.  There are no judgements.  Just understanding and that is a lifesaver.  It’s kept me afloat during very apdark times.  Keep writing.  We are here.  

[As12]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m sorry you are here only because you have experienced such a loss and especially at such a young age.  This is a family that understands all aspects of grief and everything felt is valid.  Real. The phone calls, TV bothering you, they are triggers we have all felt.  Post anything you feel and we will hear you.  Share our experiences.  You are now forever changed by the void your partner left.  I’m not the person I was andnever will be.  People in the world that have not experienced this will never understand til it happens to them.  That us the hard part.  It’s been 5 years for me and my husband and I had almost 40 years together and people still try to tell me they understand and what I could do.  They have no clue.  I had a few years to prepare also.  It was not as I thought.  Yours was sudden and that is so shocking to your heart.  I hope you do find some solace here.  I know I come here whenever I have a tough time or something to share, good or bad.  There are no judgements.  Just understanding and that is a lifesaver.  It’s kept me afloat during very apdark times.  Keep writing.  We are here.  

Hi gwenivere, 

 

thank you for taking the time to read and reply,
I think it’s because I’ve had such a short space of time to grieve that it’s just hitting me all at once, as 2 months after he had passed a close close family member got arrested, that was it my grief was taken away from grieving for my ex to grieving for the person I lost in the house and around my family, 

 

I never had that time, and when something as big as seeing them in the state they are as this wasn’t a pretty sight, it sticks with you burns an image in your head, I had no time to heal, 
 

and now that the anniversary of the first year is approaching I’m just getting scared on how I’ll be, wether I can cope, ive already had multiple break downs this week as I know each day it’s closer, 

 

but I’m hoping I do find some comfort, 

I couldn’t imagine 40 years, so I’m sorry to hear 

[MartyT]

My dear, I too am so very sorry for the reasons that bring you here to us. As you come to know us by reading members' posts and by sharing whatever you need to say, I think that here you will find the reliable information, comfort and support you need and deserve. Although grief is unique to the person experiencing it, there are some features that are common to most of us, so it helps to do some reading so you'll have a better idea of what to expect and what you might do to understand and manage your own reactions. You might begin with the following ~ and be sure to follow some of the links embedded in the articles listed:

Grief: Understanding The Process

Bereavement: Doing the Work of Grief

In Grief: Dreading The Anniversary Date Of a Loved One’s Death

Traumatic Loss: Needing to View the Body

 

 

 

 

[As12]

Hi MartyT, 

thank you for taking the time to read and reply and sending through the below articles to read for myself, 

 

im hoping they may help in some ways 

[kayc]

12 hours ago, As12 said:

I think this has become my last resort in finding some comfort, some way of coping and just for someone to understand the pain instead of telling me it’s all okay, 

I lost my ex partner/bestfriend of 3 years, a year on the 20th of this month and it broke me completely, it was so sudden and unexpected as he was only 25 at the time, I am now 22 and still not finding it any easier than it was at the start, 

I constantly have moments where I call his phone hoping he would pick up just to hear his voice as he was the only person I could call late at night when I was having a bad day and he would just sit and talk til I was okay, but now I don’t have that and it’s all hitting me at once now that it’s coming up to being a year, 

Due to it being a car accident, all them adverts are on the TV at the moment, or you get the silly calls from people that you say you were in a car accident that wasn’t your fault it’s a real set back for myself, I’m still waiting 4 months later on my grievement counselling so I’m hoping this gives me some comfort or advice, 

 I also had the traumatic time of visiting his coffin the day before his funeral but due to the state he was in I wasn’t able to see him, but the funeral home had forgot to close his coffin so that image has been burnt in my mind, so when people say remember good memories of course I do but at the same time that’s my last image of him, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  Of course it's not okay, people say some off the wall stuff to us because they don't know what to say.  Sometimes we just wish they'd be there for us instead of the platitudes they offer, which are no help.  They mean well, but...

The fact that you are young seems all the harder as your peers aren't going through loss like older people's peers are.  It's easy to feel alone in this.  Sometimes a grief support group can help but even then, it's usually older people instead of younger ones.  If you're in school maybe there's a counselor there that could help you while you're waiting on your grief counseling.  I've never heard of having to wait this long!

There's triggers everywhere and they hit when we least expect it, it can be anything from seeing a food he liked to remembering going someplace together. 

This is one of the hardest losses because they were the ones we turned to and now that we need them most, they aren't there.

I want you to know that you will get through this, even though it doesn't seem like it...it takes a long time though to process their death, to find purpose, to build a life we can live, and it takes a lot of effort just when we least feel like it.  I can't say how long it takes because it varies for everyone but I've heard it said, "It takes what it takes," and I think that's the best depiction.  This can be a lifelong process but it won;t stay the same, it won't always feel this intense, the first year or two being the worst.  Hang in there, we're here for you and you can always talk to us.  Someone will be on here within hours.

I wrote this at about ten years out from losing my husband and I hope something in it will be of help to you, either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Dawn G]

I'm so sorry that you have that image pressed into your mind.  The only solution I can think of for that would be to keep remembering every look on his face that you loved.  Keep repeating those images in your head and hopefully, they will take over your thoughts.
Losing the one you love is horrible no matter how long  you have loved them.  

I was widowed almost 14 years ago.  I still miss my husband whenever I feel stressed or lonely or afraid.
But God has been so good to carry all of my burdens with me as I walk out this life.
He is my comfort.  
I hope that you'll experience some joy today.

[Gwenivere]

Another sufferer that has not returned.  Always hoping they found help in their time of need.  At least our responses may help another new comer.  Maybe she will come back too.  Facing the one year anniversary is so very hard.

[Gladys Soto]

Fifteen months ago my love, life ,air left. I have to look back to see how far I have come. I cannot even really articulate the disconnect and tears that flatten me daily, grabbing me after the workday. I become so totally Unmotivated, sick of kicking myself to get up, get out and do. I do not understand myself. God does. So I try to daily focus on the gift and unending merciful grace He has truly bestowed on this undeserving mortal.
Going through the shared “tips” by fellow mourner, prompted me to also share that they are most helpful . As I read them , I felt a level of validation that I am in the correct direction. Still, there are days, like today that are inexplicably depressing, laced with loss of purpose and zero interest, in anything. Interesting, that after reading the pet tip, I was moved to go over to my dog of 12 years, strangely, viewing her as a “friend”, I began rolling her ball toward her. She was ecstatic. Breaking the grief monotony for a moment, I had to smile and enjoy her delirious happy wagging tail. 
Grateful I came upon this post, thankful for another moment of new, insightful joy and hope.

One day at a time. Thank you.

 

[kayc]

Welcome, @Gladys Soto to this site, the place that saved my life 14 1/2 years ago and in the years since.  It really helps knowing there are others going through this that get it.  That understand that grief is a journey with a beginning but not an ending, but that journey is ever evolving and changing as we process and learn to live with this grief of ours.

I am so sorry for your loss, that yet another person is experiencing this.  But I've also learned over the years that it is not entirely negative, that our grief can make us more sensitive to others, that as we are forced to deal with things on our own without our spouse' help, we also build confidence.  I've also learned to relate to my husband in a different way.  Sure I'd love to have him back, as it was, holding me, talking over our day, sharing in our journey, but without that as my option, I've learned to carry him with me in my heart, for his spirit is surely with me in ways I cannot put my finger on or define/explain.

I'm glad you have your dog to help you through this, I recently lost my 11 1/2 year old Husky/Golden Retriever, Arlie, and my heart aches inside for both my husband, George, and my Arlie now.  It hurts like it did when I lost my husband as Arlie has been my sole companion these past 10 1/2 years.  Losing a husband affects us in so many more ways, the bond of love once lost to us in our everyday lives is very similar once they've been our world.

It takes so long to process this grief and I dare say it's one we're never over as in done with it...I still struggle with the aloneness no matter how much I mingle with others because at the end of the day, I come home alone and there's no one that cares for me quite like George did...and no one that greets me quite like Arlie did.  I still get through this one day at a time, maybe there are others who get past this, but we all deal with our grief journeys in our own unique way...whatever way we find that brings us comfort and strength.  One day at a time works for me.  And as Marty posted in the Tools for Healing section on meditation, MINDFULNESS is also something that has helped me...living in this present moment and learning gratefulness for what good there is.

I'm so glad you're here and look forward to getting to know you better.

[Amberley]

I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm also quite young 23 and lost the love of my life and my best friend. It's pretty isolating. My partner passed on november 1st. It's now the 12th and I'm finally not crying every night. I really hope you're finding some comfort and support from this site. I found the thread I made to be quite helpful. Wishing you all the best ❤️