Estrangement following loss of mother

[Richard G]

In July 2015 my wife died of cancer. For reasons I feel I understand at some levels, I haven’t seen my kids since the funeral who are now mid to late 20s. I’m concerned their grieving got stalled at the anger stage but I am not in a position to help them.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss and for the following estrangement.  That is particularly hurtful to you.  Have you tried reaching out to your kids?  Who do you think they are angry at?  Would they consider grief counseling?  It might be good for all of you if you haven't already.

What help do you think your kids need?  Not sure if you mean emotionally or financially or what.

[Richard G]

Thanks for your reply. You are right in saying it’s hurtful, it felt rough off the back of my wife dying to have my kids walk away at the same time. My children will only communicate via email so I keep in touch that way, so I have been very careful in terms of what I write to them, especially when answering their questions. I try to ensure I communicate an open door, kindliness and interest in their lives. My eldest has cut off all communication for 2+ years now. They are angry with me. This is , I feel, a  spin off of having had a super-mum if that makes sense, I don’t want to say too much that would sound negative but perhaps that would make sense to you if you’ve been around that kind of thing in bereavement. They would not consider grief counseling at my behest although I did offer to support it financially if they wanted to pursue that but I think they don’t want to accept any help that comes from me.  I feel that they need professional help and therefore encouragement to move forwards from family members. When I asked for help and support  from my dad to this end he refused to do that and became angry with me. It was hard for me to ask this because I knew I risked that rejection but it was right to ask on behalf of my children.  However, it seems to me both sets of grandparents are comfortable being surrogate parents and don’t want to say anything that would threaten their relationships, they seem unconcerned with my situation.   As a result I feel my children will one day need to make their own individual decisions but I think they need to grow up a lot in order to do that so this may need many years. Kids are all good with money as far as I know, grandad , my dad, started giving them a big lump every year since my wife died, I  that felt that was innappropriate under the circumstances since they had cut off from me this seemed like their behavior was rewarded. I prayed about this and felt clear I should not challenge my dad on it. There’s more on that theme but there’s plenty here you might like to respond to, I’m sure you will appreciate the family dynamics are pretty  crock!

[kayc]

I've been on this site for 14 1/2 years following my husband's death but I don't recall another situation like this, I have no idea why kids would cut themselves off from their dad because their mom died, that seems very strange to me.  I don't hear from my daughter much but it has to do with something going on with her, not me personally, she's that way with both sides of the family (her dad divorced me 20 years ago).  I remarried and she was there for me when my husband died but gradually kept to herself more and more...from all of us.  I think it has to do more with her life than ours.

As far as your dad giving them money, maybe he feels that's his way of reaching out to them or perhaps holding them to himself.  I don't see it as intrinsically good or bad, but it won't like have the effect he might hope for.

18 hours ago, Richard G said:

both sets of grandparents are comfortable being surrogate parents and don’t want to say anything that would threaten their relationships

You could be right about this.  Try not to personalize it because it's not about trying to hurt you so much as trying to hold on to their relationships.

18 hours ago, Richard G said:

I  that felt that was innappropriate under the circumstances since they had cut off from me

This isn't a power struggle.    

18 hours ago, Richard G said:

I think they need to grow up a lot in order to do that so this may need many years.

You may be right there.  You're trying to keep the lines of communication open with them, beyond that, not a whole lot you can do with regards to your kids. You've offered grief counseling and that might be helpful but only they can decide if they want it or not.

I know the pain of wanting contact with your child and not getting it.  I live with it.  I went through years of wondering if it was something I did/didn't do but honestly, she's that way with all of us and her brother and I have always been there for her whenever she needed/wanted it so I don't see as it's personal against us, maybe just something she needs to work through and she may or may not do that.  We have no control over them once raised...we seemed close when she was growing up.  I say seemed because I think I've pretty much questioned everything since wondering "where I went wrong."  Maybe I didn't, maybe it just her personality to be private, I don't know.  No answers here!  It's been a puzzlement I've had to live with.

My advice is to try to build your life apart from your kids since you can't necessarily change or control what's happening with them.  I assume you've already done all the soul-searching (as I have) and find nothing to clear with them, nothing to apologize for or have already done so if you needed to.  

Both my parents are long gone so I'm basically growing old alone.  I have contact with my son but he doesn't live nearby so that's hard.  I've learned to take one day at a time and build a network of friends and a life for myself.  It helps.  I'm sorry for the loss of your wife, and particularly to cancer, which is horrible, I just lost my dog to cancer, he was the joy of my life these last 10 1/2 years and now even he too is gone.  I hate the C word and wouldn't wish it on anyone.  Oh that they could eradicate it forever!

 

 

[Richard G]

Hi KayC,

thanks for sharing some different perspectives, I find that very helpful because it helps me process without injecting my own judgements if there alternative possibilities.  Thanks  for sharing some of your journey also.  I understand a number of reasons why my children are distant , for you it sounds as if It is unclear as to why your daughter is distant.
Funny thing I hadn’t thought of things in terms of a power struggle but now you mention it I think there could be an element of that, but the underlying issue is the brokenness in people’s lives and unforgiveness.
Like  you I have soul searched and am very much at peace about this and have taken responsibility for all I know I can, I believe it is time for others to do likewise.  Keep asking the Lord for wisdom and insight for your daughter, I believe if there was key information you needed to know then He will communicate it to you if you ask for it. I have definitely got on with life, and there have been many changes, remarriage, new work role , new home location, new friends new church, feels like everything has changed.. but not my love for God, that was unchanging which was an amazing discovery. I believe that’s a fruit of a lifetime of worship.

[kayc]

I think it's key to not personalize their actions as intentionally directed at you, I've had to depersonalize it with my daughter.  We're all puzzled but realize it's her, not us.  Still I love her and will always keep the door open for her.

I find it odd she let my DIL know she's "working today" but couldn't bother to reply to my text inviting her to eat with me if she didn't have plans.  It's just common courtesy to respond one way or another.  My DIL never contacts me so I find it interesting she would contact my daughter.  Oh well, all this is out of our hands!

Enjoy the day with your wife!

[Richard G]

My take on depersonalising these things is that you mean it is about them really, not about me. I absolutely know that’s true in my situation, I know that I have recovered very well in myself with loss and bereavement, I have peace in myself and with myself and how I have lived my life, and no I’m not perfect. My heart is soft and open and my words are welcoming. I know that I will see my late wife again and that will be wonderful.  My children on the other hand seem to me to be deeply troubled, if they were peaceful as I am then there would be no problem getting together and being family together, so the ‘personal’ issues camp around their relational problems not mine. Nevertheless being ostracized is a painful experience on a personal level and if I didn’t feel pain I wouldn’t be human, I think that’s normal for a loving, caring parent.

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Richard G said:

Nevertheless being ostracized is a painful experience on a personal level and if I didn’t feel pain I wouldn’t be human, I think that’s normal for a loving, caring parent.

Absolutely!  It's a pain I've had to learn to live with too.