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Gin

No spirit for holidays

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It was a cold, dark, gloomy day here in Chicago.  I have no spirit for the holidays.  Nothing seems good.  My brother is falling deeper into Alzheimer’s.  I am getting over a bad sinus infection.  I had to go to the bank and that was the only human I saw all day.  I so miss being around people.  The suggestion I received was to make more friends!  Easy to say!!   I am 80 and not in great physical shape.  I need to get busy and clean out the house I have lived in for 54 years.  Then what?  The poor lady at the bank.... I asked her all about her family and her holiday plans.  I used to have plans, but they are gone.  Guess I am having a pity party.  Sorry.   Gin

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3 hours ago, Gin said:

It was a cold, dark, gloomy day here in Chicago.  I have no spirit for the holidays.  Nothing seems good.  My brother is falling deeper into Alzheimer’s.  I am getting over a bad sinus infection.

The suggestion I received was to make more friends!  Easy to say!!   I am 80 and not in great physical shape.

Guess I am having a pity party.  Sorry.   Gin

Gin:  I agree this time of year is a real bummer.  I am dreading when the radio starts with the Christmas Carols non stop.  The other day as I was driving home from grocery shopping I saw the first Christmas Tree for this season all lighted and decorated in the big picture window in a home and had to fight back the tears.   So sorry your dear brother has Alzheimer's.  Please feel free to have a pity party.

I am trailing close behind you in the years and I totally understand how difficult it is to make friends at this age.   I am not a joiner so can't persuade myself to go to a senior center where others my age might be in the same position.  Also, don't participate in organized religion.  I am my own worst enemy. 

Take care, Dee.

 

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You are allowed to have that party, dear Gin, and I assure you that you are not alone. We are here for you, we share in your pain, and we are listening ❤️

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I’m not a joiner either, Gin and Dee.  We are allowed pity parties.  I have at least 2 a day.  No one may know depending on if I have counseling or am talking to my cousin in NM.  I know those days when the only contact is with strangers.  But that counts!  I go bonkers if I’m not around people even for a little bit.  I saw another doc today (those don’t count) so went by the pet store for some goodies for my girls.  At least there were other pet people and some dogs.  I hope you don’t get sick, Gin.  

So very very true about making friends now.  I’m 64 soon, but people have prettty much settled into their lives by this time.  There are dating sites but I can’t imagine doing that if you’ve been widowed.  And I have this teeny hitch, I am in love so have no interest in that.  Friends involve a lot of work too.  I just have nothing to give to someone who hasn’t experienced this kind of loss because it is a large part of me.  I’ve already trained myself not to talk about it much out there.  I’ve turned down so many invites no one bothers anymore which saves me from fatiguing energy.  It’s no fun being alone, but I can only do limited connections.  

At least we aren’t alone here.  I think of this family every day and know I’m not as alone as I feel.

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At the grocery store today, one of the managers asked my son & I if we were ready for the holiday. I stopped myself from replying "What's a holiday?" I still try to act like there's a Thanksgiving & Christmas with traditional meals & a few decorations, but really, all days are much the same to me. My spirit floated away many years ago. I miss that spirit, but can't seem to find it again.

It's too bad we can't buy friends on Amazon and have them delivered.

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This thread couldn't be more timely...there will be no Thanksgiving here, at least no family, no special meal, no celebration.  Instead I will have snow to shovel.  I won't be able to make my dental appointment Wednesday given the predictions, supposed to be snow to the valley floor, I'm not driving 100 miles in snow, esp. not knowing how much is coming.  Tuesday night's predictions don't sound good.

8 hours ago, KarenK said:

It's too bad we can't buy friends on Amazon and have them delivered.

That's be nice, and toss in my husband too!

Oh Gin, and you too Gwen, my heart goes out to you!

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And here Amazon says they have everything.  Nope.  Sorry about the snow, Kay.  I may hate what Seattle is turning into with crowds, but I couldn’t stay sane being so far away from appointments and stores I need.  My travel times have increased, but not by hours.  

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To all of us on this thread and anyone else is who reading and feeling in a "pity party" mood this is how my day went.  I  thought I'd be proactive and get at least one thing done on my list.  Off I went to the closest Fred Meyer store which is my choice for shopping cause it has just about anything I might need - I hate to shop.  At the top of the list was my second shingles shot.  As luck would have it, the pharmacy was out of the vaccine - did I really think they would have it?  I had been warned by the nurse in my doctor's office that the pharmacies always run out.  Oh well, since I was already in the store I needed a couple of items so attempted to walk around this newly remodeled and re-organized store totally lost and feeling as if I was in a different world.  I tried to dodge all the Holiday Decorations, but found that to be an impossible task.  The store was bustling with shoppers with their big turkeys and groceries to prepare their big meal next week.  Gwen's  grocery shopping trip a few days ago came to mind and maybe she heard me say, "Gwen, I  know exactly how you feel."  By the time I got home I was really in a down mood and caught myself tearing up for really no reason other than there is no reason to be Jolly anymore.

And kayc the weatherman is predicting some pretty chilly wet weather here in Tacoma for the next few days, with maybe some snow showers, too.  I hope you aren't going to be shoveling snow too much.

Gin, hoping the sinus infection has improved and you are feeling better. 

KarenK, I liked the idea of ordering friends on Amazon, and do agree with what kayc said, our husbands, too.  Only if the choice would be originals, not a copy.   I could never find a carbon copy of my husband  - he was unique - our marriage was unique and I miss him so much as we all miss our loves.

Oh well, if my memory serves me correct, there was a kind gentleman member of this forum who used to always say, "One Foot in Front of the Other".   Dee

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8 hours ago, widow'15 said:

there was a kind gentleman member of this forum who used to always say, "One Foot in Front of the Other".

Darrell.  He was Ole' Misfit but recently came on with a new username, can''t remember what it was.

I, too, hate shopping and recently went into a Wal-Mart that is small and everything arranged different from the one I'm used to...just wanted upholstery cleaner, had to go all over the store and ask two different clerks where to find it as the first one sent me on a wild goose chase.  Will stick to my normal WM from now on, thank you!

Gin, can you give us an update?

Back to the winter day at a time, hoping and praying my shoulder holds out for what I must do.  

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All back to “normal”, whatever that is.  Sinus infection much better, but still feel so isolated.  Nothing going on today.  Will try for church tomorrow.   This is a BIG church with lots of things going on, but I have little energy to go to them.    Tomorrow is a Bach cantata with choirs, orchestra,  soloists.    I went to one many years ago and it was great.  Now I have to concern myself with things like parking and how far I have to walk.  I am grateful for television, telephones and the internet.  And for all of you.  This is a rough journey we are all on.

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"Amen" to that, Gin.  Hope you get to go to the cantata, sounds so nice.  I understand how we have to think about the parking.  I went to a medical building the other day that I hadn't been to since 2014 and another floor of offices had been added which meant less parking.  I was wishing I had a disabled parking permit cause that was the only spaces available.  I found a space, but it was behind the building and a long walk.  Was exhausted when I got home. 

Good to hear you feeling well enough to leave the house.  Dee

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4 hours ago, Gin said:

Tomorrow is a Bach cantata with choirs, orchestra,  soloists.

Oh that sounds wonderful!  Different from my little church.  ;)  

I'm so glad you're feeling better.  I wish you had a ladies group like I do, we get together on Fridays and potluck it, sometimes watch a video or color but mostly just eat and talk.  It's good for us to have something just for ourselves, something enjoyable, getting out with others that we like and care about.  I hope you get to go to the cantata and enjoy it, you'll have to let us know how it was!  I used to be in cantatas at the Nazarene Church, but my little Baptist Church is much smaller and not enough volunteers.  I miss singing in cantatas!

Is there anyone who could pick you up and drop you off at the door?

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I do not know many people there.  Just recently became a member there after my church closed.  So, I either get there on my own or do not go.

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I don't know of a church out there that wouldn't send a ride for you if you called ahead of time and requested one.  Either way I hope you can make it.

Not sure if I'll have a TG or not, depends on weather/roads, how much snow we get, if plows show up, etc.  Either way, I'll be okay.

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I’m sitting here feeling so down.  The holidays are really eating at me.  This is going to be a very hard week with my birthday and Thanksgiving alone.  Again.  All I want to cry, but I can’t, it’s the weirdest thing.  I can cry with another person there, but alone it feels even worse, I guess.  The tears are there but I react in anger and frustration instead.  So many things have needed attention regarding medical crap, insurance, seeing changes in my eldest dog and what my world was pre cancer life.  That was 10 years ago!  Even the 5 I had with Steve were better than this.  

I’ve become such a hermit for the most part that a lot of people think that is what I’ve always been that I have interacted with in this last decade.  It’s so untrue.  I grew up with a huge family which celebrated holidays between 4 aunts and 30 cousins.  When I left home I was involved with so many people I could hardly keep up.  When Steve and I married more people came into my life with him.  After his death it became dominoes falling.  People we knew moved, died or disappeared.  It’s actually very odd thinking about the coincidence of that.  Then my body began to fail so the being alone is intensified.  I’m an extreme extrovert stuck in this isolation hell.  I never missed people’s birthdays and sending cards or calling.  Bought gifts for the holidays for everyone we knew.  Our mail was full of cards and I sent ours.  I’m sure you all know the drill for your own traditions.  I do none of that anymore.  I tried for a few years and now it is dead.  As dead as he is.  

I get up every day and grab the phone and headset because there are now always fires to react to medically.  Or insurance, bills or something that is wrong or I need to attend to.  The phone was primarily used for house projects and talking to friends or relatives that was uplifting.  It still boggles my mind that both are parents are gone and his sister who was mine too.  The loss of so many where I volunteer.  I wake up or come home to a machine filled with doc reminders or robocalls.  Just got one now in Chinese.  Sometimes I get lucky and get a real life scammer from Microsoft or social security.  This is what it comes down to?  I’ve reached out to people I have met and quickly find I don’t fit anymore.  That is really the hardest to take in all this.  My place in the world has been eliminated.  Not from lack of trying either.  I’m worn out in that.  

So today I meet an acquaintance for an hour she grants me (she’s the dogs guardian, but we aren’t very close), try and think of errands to do to keep me out of this house for longer and then come home to the emptiness.  Big plan is to balance finances, woo hoo!  And all of this in horrid pain day and night.  Over 8 doctors and no answers, just more tests.  Back surgery always an option, but for what?  They can’t even tell me it will stop the pain.  I feel like a victim and I hate I!   It’s so not me.  Or the old me.  I miss her so much.  Competent, decisive, outgoing, curious, happy, sarcastic wit, queen of all domestic tasks.  

So  tomorrow I turn 64, alone.  Thursday I will try and go to a grocery to make a turkey plate to eat alone.  Tuesday I see my dentist about a tooth that broke off and if it can be fixed without being sent to a specialist as I will go nuts if I have to add that to this list.  Dogs need vet checks.  If I weren’t alone and had the bad back, there are so many  things I would be doing.  WE would be doing.  

I feel tears again but now it’s too late to go there with meeting this gal.  

To top it all our last dog together is acting strange.  Like she is trying to tell me something if she is not isolating in the bathroom.  It scares me to think of her age, over 14, and my last connection to my former life.   Know life is adaption and change.  I just miss the good ones as they have disappeared.  I want to be at least content.  Not sure it’s an achievable goal.

one person left this world and the ripple effects are more like a tsunami.  

 

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Yes Gwen, It is so lonely.  I went to church this morning and it was so good to at least see people.  Then I came home and had several bad coughing spells.  Maybe I am not as well as I was hoping.  Ordered cold and cough stuff on Amazon.  Coming tomorrow.  I do not even want to go to the store anymore.  Hope you have an OK day tomorrow on your bday.  I had my 80th in July.  No Al.  No fun.  I wanted to get a dog.  Always had one.  Afraid I could not take care of it.  Especially in the winter.  So, there is nothing else alive in the house.  I will probably even kill the one poor plant that lives here.  Better go water it now.  Hope things improve for you soon!

gin

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m sitting here feeling so down.  The holidays are really eating at me.  This is going to be a very hard week with my birthday and Thanksgiving.

So  tomorrow I turn 64, alone.  Thursday I will try and go to a grocery to make a turkey plate to eat alone.  Tuesday I see my dentist about a tooth that broke off and if it can be fixed without being sent to a specialist as I will go nuts if I have to add that to this list.   

To top it all our last dog together is acting strange.  Like she is trying to tell me something if she is not isolating in the bathroom.  It scares me to think of her age, over 14, and my last connection to my former life.  

I want to be at least content.  Not sure it’s an achievable goal.

one person left this world and the ripple effects are more like a tsunami.  

 

Gwen:  Your closing statement, "one person left this world and the ripple effects are more like a tsunami", is so true.  I have often wondered if I had been the first to go would my going have been so traumatic to the ones left behind?  My husband going first has left our two children, our two grandchildren, and myself in constant confusion and pain.  He was the power that ran this family.  I also wonder if maybe the plan is that I am expected to carry on, in my pitiful way and learn to be more independent.  But, then if that was the plan, why wasn't I given the brains and the  ability to pick up the pieces as is expected of me?

The wish just to be content is another feat that seems impossible.  But then what is contentment  after being with someone who made our life so content.  Maybe one day, hopefully in the not too distant future, there will be a bolt from the sky that will help me find that contentment.  

My heart feels for you as you watch over Ally.  I understand the feeling of noticing every little change in our fur babies routine.  I remind myself that Maddie and I are the same age, and my old body has changed so why wouldn't she change her routine - I have changed my routine a lot. 

I hope you can find some pleasure in your Birthday, be it a forbidden treat you indulge in or something to give you some joy.  Please know you are not alone - I will be thinking and hoping the your day will be bearable for you.   Any week that includes a dental appointment is surely not to be celebrated.   Take care, Gwen.

Best wishes, Dee    

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Gwen,

I found it was hard to find a birthday image that didn't say "happy birthday" because I know yours is anything but happy...but I loved this cat, somehow it seems to fit the spirit, like bah humbug or something.  I'm sorry this is the way your life is now, little by little it seems it's becoming all of our lives, you've just been hit harder/younger, dammit!  So unfair.

My pastor offered to take me to my dental appt. Wednesday, didn't want to drive 120 miles on snow not knowing whether the plows would come or how much I'd get.  The snows came early, last night wasn't predicted, extremely wet/heavy.  Praying my shoulder holds out as I shovel this week.  I dug my boots out of hiding yesterday.  Got my coolers up on the patio and the ladder in place so I can brush off the satellite dish when I want to watch t.v. or use the internet.

Gin, glad you made it out yesterday.  Church helped me tremendously yesterday, the music especially.  Was the only one at Praise Team practice to start with, finally a couple more showed up, the pastor is usually there but had to fill in for a Sunday school teacher that couldn't walk when he woke up.  Went to a community choir practice at the LDS church yesterday, felt a little uncomfortable but a couple of my neighbors were there so stuck it out (esp. as I rode with one of them and the other is Joe's mom).  It's going to be a long week.

12 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I hope you can find some pleasure in your Birthday, be it a forbidden treat you indulge in or something to give you some joy.  Please know you are not alone - I will be thinking and hoping the your day will be bearable for you.

My wish for you too, Gwen!

birthday.gif

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12 hours ago, widow'15 said:

But, then if that was the plan, why wasn't I given the brains and the  ability to pick up the pieces as is expected of me?

I've kind of wondered the same thing.  I stay in contact with Polly (who pops in here once in a great while) and she seems a super woman, although she IS much younger than me, but never in my life have I installed a gas oven or done some of the things she's done.  But I do what I can and have to find someone I can pay to do the rest.

I got the trim replaced on my window (in Arlie's pen) this week even though I had to pay someone to do it, it felt good having it done.  I barely managed to paint it, using a stepstool and pushing my shoulder past it's limits to reach...managed to get some dark grey on the house, but oh well, it looks better than it did with seven boards chewed up.

Have no idea how I'll keep up as I continue to age but will have to worry about that then.  Today is all I can handle.

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Thank you for the birthday wishes.  So far it’s been as I expected, another day facing the malady related routines to get dressed, frustrated 8 doctors cannot figure out why my lower legs are inflamed, swollen and in despair.  I’ve gotten email from several for my birthday and a cupcake from an aquaintence.  My housekeeper brought flowers last Friday not knowing my bday was close, but it’s nice to have them on the table as it’s been years since I have.  I don’t recall feeling this bad last year or ever.  More acknowledgments, but I’m so hollow inside.  It isn’t life when nothing in it feels special anymore, not even yourself.  People can tell you you are, but if you don’t feel it, it’s just words.  Special comes from connections.  Intimate connections.  Mattering to a family you create.  You start that family with that one person who is now moved ahead (unless yours was always furry kids like ours).  But your supposed to still be together as they create their own families.  I’m watching Ally changing faster into a loss I can barely stand to think about.  Seeing that the dog I got after losing Steve I don’t feel the love I usually do.  She gives hers to me, but something is in the way.  Obviously it is because he wasn’t part of this.  She’s smart as a whip, but overly bonded to me in ways that are annoying.  I never thought I could feel this about a furry kid.  I can’t write anymore, it’s been a very bad day.  

 

 

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 I can’t write anymore, it’s been a very bad day.  

 

 

Gwen:  Here's hoping tomorrow will be a better for you.  My thoughts are with you as the weather seems to be trying to dump a little white stuff on us here in the Pacific Northwest.  Hope you have no where you need to go.  Take care.  Dee

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Gwen, I'm sorry your birthday wasn't all that, I think my worst one was 3 1/2 months after George died...no one remembered me on my birthday even though I had a mom, five siblings, two kids, and friends...and I cried myself to sleep at the disparity between how it always was when George was alive, to how it was when he died.  He always made a big deal of it, but then he always made a big deal of me!  I've long since lost the dog I had when George and I were married, and now the one I got after he died.  And I can't seem to find another, none of them are Arlie, that's all.  I'm sorry for the changes is Ally and hope you can continue to enjoy her for some time.

We're supposed to get 9" snow in the next 24 hours, not looking forward to the shoveling as I think it's going to be super heavy, wet stuff, it may be too heavy to shovel when it arrives during tonight's hours, hoping not.

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Kay, hope the weather guys are wrong.  It is so hard to keep shoveling and try to get the car out.   My turn will come again but not for at least another week.  Gin

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8 hours ago, kayc said:

We're supposed to get 9" snow in the next 24 hours, not looking forward to the shoveling as I think it's going to be super heavy, wet stuff, it may be too heavy to shovel when it arrives during tonight's hours, hoping not.

kayc:  Please be gentle with that shoveling and your shoulder.  Keeping my fingers crossed it won't be like last year for you and us here in the South Puget Sound.  Had really hoped I would be out of this house by now, but didn't happen.  Guess it wasn't meant to be.  Take care.  Dee

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