Losing my father and best friend

[Scovel11]

My father is in hospice dying from a brain tumor and the after-effects of chemo. I'm not able to be with him because of my step-mother (long story) and I can't quit crying. I can't eat or sleep. And my husband is being horrible to me. He yells at me to shut up when I break down. I've never felt more alone in my life. I want to die right now and if there was some way I could wish it, I would do it. The pain is too much and my husband doesn't care what I'm going through. He only cares about his sleep and his comfort. He is a very mean man. I have no family now. No siblings, no cousins, no grandparents......NO ONE. I'm begging for any support to get through this. I'm at the end of my rope. I want to die.

[kayc]

I am so sorry, both for your father dying and going through all of this suffering...and for your husband's response to you.  No one deserves that.  You may need some counseling to help you through this and to explore how to deal with having a husband this way.  I know it has to be hard on top of what you're already going through.  We can't change someone else...we can try to understand what causes them to react like they do but in the end we alone can decide what we can or won't live with.  I went through that with my XH, he'd scream at me if I cried.  I'd try going into the utility room and shut the door but he'd open it and give me a barrage of ill treatment.  It 's been 20+ years since our divorce.  There are no easy answers, no one likes a broken home but no one wants to live with abuse either.  I just hope counseling can help you figure out what is the best answer for you going forward.

Meanwhile, you are welcome to come here for understanding, one of us will be along shortly to read and listen and respond.  

My family isn't nearby but I've got wonderful neighbors, including a young family in their 20s with two little children, two sheeps, three dogs, chickens, and a cat...and they share them with me as I walk their dog Joe every day following the loss of my dog, Arlie.  It can take a lot of effort to make friends but it's so worthwhile...I've joined the senior site a few years ago, belong to a ladies group that meets weekly, and am actively involved with my church, it gets me out and around people that are enjoyable.  

12 hours ago, Scovel11 said:

I want to die.

Strike this thought from you.  It 's a thought I've had to grapple and struggle with.  Push it aside.  Take your power back and make your life one you can live.  In the night time when it is darkest, I remind myself that morning is coming.  Winter time can be just as oppressive with the dreary weather and shoveling snow...the older I get the harder it is to live through it alone.  But alone is better than with an abuser.  Maybe change that thought to I don't want to live THIS way.  Then do something about it.

I will be your support, hang on.  Come here, talk to me any time.  I'm not always on line but I come on almost every morning unless electricity is out or something.  

I'm sorry, I know this is hard, but the good part of this being the lowest point in your life is that it's up from here and bound to get better.  Take positive steps forward.  I know what I'm saying, I've been through more in my life than people can imagine, I'm a survivor...you can be too.  (((hugs)))