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My mom's new friend


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I am not even sure how to start...My dad left this world September 17, 2018 3 days before my birthday. He battled cancer for 7 years and was a trooper, never complained even when he was at his most sick moments. My mom had a lot of help taking care of him. My aunt's and uncles helped with him, even one of my uncles moved into their house so that my mom would be able to continue working. I visited often and called every single day to talk to my dad and mom just making sure that things were okay and if they needed anything I would make sure that it was provided. When my dad passed, my mom had a complete mental break down. The day he passed he had just gotten out of the hospital around noon that day. I called on my lunch break and they were getting him settled in. I told mom that I felt like I needed to leave work and come and see dad and she said that he was tired and hungry so to just come up after work. I got the phone call less then an hour later that my dad was in respiratory distress and that they were waiting on an ambulance. I left work and made it to the hospital only to have mom meet me at the door screaming he would be okay she breathed for him. Now I work with Cancer patients a neighboring hospital so I knew that he was gone. I had her sit with me in the chapel and tried to calm her down. Finally being able to get a moment to myself I went out to the parking lot and had a break down crying knowing that it was not going to turn out the way she thought. My aunt came outside and told me that I needed to quit crying and go back inside with my mom. I did that very thing. Twenty minutes later his cancer doctor came in and gave us the news that he was gone. My mom went into shock. I had to go in by myself and watch them take care of his body. I stood there as they cleaned and removed all the tubes and wires. My uncle took my mom home, meanwhile I had to drive home and sit my 3 kids down and tell them what had happened.

  My family is huge....mom has 15 brothers and sisters, so we all meet at moms house, they brought food and we just tried to make sure that mom was okay. The next morning my mom, aunt, my cousin and myself went to the funeral home to make arrangements. Mom was okay until it was time to actually pick things out. She ran out the door with everyone following behind her. She told me I would have to do it. So there I was picking out my dad's coffin, flowers and everything necessary for the funeral. I got her home and tried to just talk with her and let her know I was there for her. I had to go back to the funeral home that evening to take his clothes, and the obituary that I had to write out by myself. I was beyond stressed and just wanting a moment to scream and grieve, again that wasn't possible because I got a call that mom was curled up in a ball in the bathroom and wanted no one but me. So I rushed at the funeral home and back to her house. 

 For a year I have took care of every need for my mom. I have spent nights at her house, when she just couldn't sleep and needed me there, I would go in the middle of the night. My aunt finally moved in with her  to help take care of her. I myself have not yet come to the moment that you get when you cry and really good cry and realize that he is gone and not coming back. I haven't went to the graveyard since we buried him, I just can't do it yet. She was going all the time, sitting and talking to him. Never missing more then 2 days without being up there. Her sisters and brothers as well as myself have tried to make things as easy as possible for her. With that being said here is the part that has now pushed me over the edge.

 As i mentioned before I work with cancer patients. It just so happens that one of them lived up the road from my mom and dad. When my dad went into respiratory distress in was in a recliner. My dad was 6'5 and even with his cancer weighed 245 lbs. My mom was unable to get him out of the recliner. She went into the road and stopped vehicles for help. This guy came in and got my dad out of the recliner and into the floor. About 2 months ago he came to me at work and said look I noticed that your mom has been working a lot and doesn't seem happy, I am wondering if you are okay with me stopping in to just talk to her. I thought you know she has been telling me she needs someone to talk to that isn't myself or her sisters so why not. 

 Then a week ago she calls to tell me that they are going to the movies. Still I believe this will be good for her! My youngest daughter does competition cheer, my mom has never been to any of my kids sporting events. NEVER!!! My dad even at his sickest times made sure he attended, even if it was just for a few minutes. She informs me the day before her comp that she will be there as will her friend. Okay no big deal, cool your going to get to see your granddaughter do what she loves. So we get to the meet and there they are, waiting for us! I introduce the kids to him and my husband as well as he had never meet him either. We all go and sit down, him and mom beside me. Now we call each other everyday and we talk about everything, with us it is no holding anything back. So she has been telling me that they are nothing but friends she doesn't want anything besides that. So as we are sitting there, I look over and not only are they holding hands but they are kissing and rubbing all over each other. I was completely taking by surprise and so were my kids. I could not believe that this was happening in front of my eyes. I didn't say anything to her mainly because I know me and it would have been a spectacle. 

 Mom and I have a rule, I call every morning on my way into work she is on a break at her job at this time. We talk about how the morning has been so far and to be careful on our way home from work. When I get home at 6 in the evening before I even walk into see my kids and husband, I call her and make sure she is alright if she needs anything! For the past 3 days, in the morning she is on the phone with him and in the evening he is at her house and she will call back when he leaves. I haven't gotten a call back yet!

We had had a discussion not even a month ago about how she was mad that dad had left her, and that she was sorry for making me deal with everything. I told her then that it had really upset me, but the part that was killing me was that I felt like I hadn't grieved for dad yet! She said she didn't realize that  and she was sorry and would try to help me cope with it all! Seriously, I feel like she was lying to my face! I don't know how I really feel, all I know is, I feel like hey do whatever you like, but don't kiss and love on each other the first time my kids are seeing you with someone besides their Grandfather! I am at a loss

 

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Welcome, and sorry that Life has turned out this way, that you lost your dad and that it seems you given little or no time to grieve and care for yourself.

8 hours ago, nikkibevins said:

Her sisters and brothers as well as myself have tried to make things as easy as possible for her.

I'm going to say some potentially difficult things, with the understanding that I am interpreting and filtering. through my own lens of life experience, what you have described.  Apologies if anything seems harsh because it isn't intended to be. 

I would like to ask: who, if anyone, has tried to make things as easy as possible for.... you?  A year has passed. Each of you grieves in your own way.  However... It sounds as though she has been carried, supported and helped, basically treated like glass from the sound of it, all this time.  It seems that in her mental state, she has given little thought to who else is suffering... youYou are the one who was forced to shove aside your feelings and be the adult when she could not be.  We all go a little crazy when we lose someone we love, and we all do and say stupid things in the aftermath.  Heaven knows I did.  Her behavior is her own choice.  Hurtful as it is, it's her own behavior that she has to answer for.  You can't change her or control her.  My suggestion is to work on yourself and let her work on herself.

You did all the work in the aftermath, the obituary, the funeral, etc.  Now you need to be given time to work on you.  Seems to me someone needs to acknowledge how you stepped up to the plate, not just her in that way you felt was insincere.  Has anyone else done so?

Lastly, you describe yourself as a caregiver, and it sounds like you work with people living with or battling cancer.  I would respectfully ask you to consider whether it is time to do some caregiving for your own self?  Have you gone on a little vacation?  Seen a bodyworker/certified massage therapist (because your body is probably aching from all the grief and emotions)?  And then to consider seeing an experienced individual and/or family therapist/counselor/psychologist who can help you examine the relationship you have with your mom which sounds very complicated, made even more so by this death of someone you both love.

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On 11/22/2019 at 7:11 PM, Kieron said:

It seems that in her mental state, she has given little thought to who else is suffering... you

@nikkibevinsYour mom sounds like she may be trying to avoid her grief by having someone else in her life.  Not judging that, just observing...many do that.  One thing I have noticed, though, in the 14 1/2 years since I lost my husband and have been here on this site, is we cannot avoid grief forever.  It's still waiting for us when we come to!  We do NOT have clarity of mind  when we're newly grieving, and I honestly consider the first couple or three years to be "newly grieving" as it can take quite a while to process our grief.  It's not the mere passage of time that makes a difference for us, it's what we do with it.  I've journalled, belonged to this forum, reading and posting, read books and articles, cried tears, allowed myself to sit with my pain, used music, art therapy, seen a grief counselor, and finally even started a grief support group.  There is so much one can do to help themselves process our grief.  Avoidance isn't one of them.  Not by overworking, keeping busy to the point of drowning it out, or just blocking it out.  

I am so sorry for your loss!  I want to leave you with some articles and assure you we are here listening and want to be here for you through this.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html

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Kieron,

Thank you for your response. Unfortunately,  I can sum up your questions very quickly! Who has tried to make things easier for me, NO ONE! I not only take care of my mom and try to keep her in a good place emotionally, but I also have my husband and 3 kids, one of which is handicapped and it is everything I can do to handle all of this and working! I have no been able to take a vacation because I have used all of my vacation time as well as sick time taking care of my mom in her moments when she would call me in sheer panic and I would have to leave or call in to take care of her. As big as my family is....NO ONE has ever asked me if I am alright, how am I handling things, or if I needed to talk. Everything is about her! I understand that they had been together since she was 16, and that it is her husband! It is like everyone has forgotten that I lost my daddy! The first man I ever loved unconditionally, who has stood by me in good and bad, and the man who wasn't afraid to tell me if I was screwing up.

 She had me come over to her house yesterday, which is my only day off with my kids, she needed to talk! It was all about the new guy and how she has deep feelings for him, and how he says he loves her. He wants to buy the kids Christmas gifts and come to Christmas dinner. I was very off put with this and told her that I would prefer if he came up after dinner, so that we as a family could spend time together and the kids could go through picture albums of my life which of course has all kinds of pictures of my daddy we do this every year! She got furious with me and told me I was being selfish and ungrateful ! It just seems like I can't get her to see through my eyes and how much I am hurting!~

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@nikkibevins  It sounds like you may need to start deciding what you will/won't do/allow and let her know (set the boundaries) and let her own her own reaction.  If she wants to throw a fit, let her, excuse yourself from it.  You have every right to set aside one day a week you will spend with your kids and make that day sacred, no infiltration from her.  SHE is responsible for her and her own grief, there is much she can do for herself w/o depending on you.  I know because I lost my husband, my soulmate, the love of my life, and I didn't depend on my kids to fulfill me emotionally or do everything for me or disrupt their lives.  Sure my son took an emergency leave from the Air Force, a couple of weeks, and my daughter was visiting when George died so she stayed with me a few months but was more and more scarce after the first couple of weeks.  That is as it should be.  It's time for you to take care of YOU.  Just because your mom demands it doesn't mean it should be that way.  We had someone else that had a problem with their dad expecting the whole family to be there for his beck and call, for two years and it wasn't changing!  That's totally unreasonable, he refused grief counseling.  We can only be there for someone else so much, the bulk of their journey is up to and on them.

I think your alternative suggestion to her for "her friend" is very reasonable and SHE is self-centered to pitch a fit and not consider anyone besides herself, I'm sorry!

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You all don't realize how much you are helping me. I can say what I need to and how I feel without being told I am ridiculous! In my family as I have said being so big I hate to say it but death is something I have become accustomed to! My cousin who was more of a brother passed away when my youngest daughter was just a few months old! All three of my grandparents have passed, I never had an issue with being able to go through the grieving process with them, with my dad....I just know that when I do get to it's going to be a complete mental breakdown! I just still cant get the visions and words out of my head...you have to be strong for your momma and take care of things, you'll have your time later! I believe so strongly that another person should never burden someone with words that can destroy your mentality. But it happens!

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My dear, I have three reactions to what you've posted here: 

2 hours ago, nikkibevins said:

I just know that when I do get to it's going to be a complete mental breakdown!

Grief is not a mental illness; it is a normal response to significant loss ~  and allowing yourself to mourn is not to have a "complete mental breakdown." There is no right or wrong way to "do" grief; it doesn't "go" anywhere, and it has no specific time frame. When you are ready and willing to mourn the death of your father, you will be able to do so ~ in your own time, and in your own way. See Finding Crying Time in Grief and Delayed Grief: When We Don't Take Time to Mourn

2 hours ago, nikkibevins said:

another person should never burden someone with words that can destroy your mentality. But it happens!

As a great lady once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." The same is true with your "mentality." No one has control over your mental health ~ but you most certainly do! And no one can make you feel "crazy"or guilty or ridiculous ~ or any other way ~ without your consent.

2 hours ago, nikkibevins said:

I just still cant get the visions and words out of my head...you have to be strong for your momma and take care of things

Finally, on the matter of keeping promises, I invite you to read this article: Deathbed Promises: Honoring A Mother's Dying Wish ~ as well as this one: Deathbed Promises ❤️

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