Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

is anyone out there?

Recommended Posts

Yes, Lynda, we are here and we are listening. The behavior you describe is dangerous and self-destructive, and I urge you, in the strongest possible terms, to stop and think. As you say, what you're doing will do nothing to take the pain away. Help is out there, and I urge you to reach out for it!

I want to emphasize for you the following, taken from our site's published Guidelines:

The information offered on this site is not meant in any way to substitute for professional or medical advice. Our Grief Healing Discussion Groups are offered as a supplement to – not as a substitute for – sharing with a trusted other (relative, friend, neighbor, clergy, colleague), participating in an in-person grief support group or meeting with a professional grief counselor or therapist. The site is best used primarily for social and emotional support, and for exchanging information about end-of-life care, loss, grief and transition.

We strongly recommend that our forums be used as a compliment or adjunct to traditional grief therapy or grief counseling. It also needs to be said that some people’s needs may exceed the capacity of an online message board to help. Sometimes grief can be so complicated that people get “stuck” in the process, and they need more help than we can give them in forums such as these. Individuals struggling with complicated grief are encouraged to seek the help of a professional therapist. Persons in danger of hurting themselves or someone else, those whose anger is out of control, or those whose grief does not diminish at all over an extended period of time, will not find what they need on this site, no matter how many messages they post. Therefore we urge such individuals to seek professional assistance at once, so they can get the help they so badly need and deserve. We believe that grief counseling and individual psychotherapy are among the most precious gifts we can choose to give to ourselves, and they can change our lives for the better.

The site is not intended for individuals who are in crisis and actively contemplating suicide.  If you're thinking of suicide, read this first.  If you are experiencing serious suicidal thoughts that you cannot control, please stop now and telephone 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Using your smart phone, contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741. In the UK the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. The crisis support service Lifeline in Australia is 13 11 14. The International Association for Suicide Prevention maintains a database of crisis centers throughout the world. Other international suicide helplines can be found at Befrienders Worldwide.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you, Marty, I was about to post a suicide prevention number.

Lynda, Your loss is fresh at 2 1/2 months but you haven't told us much about him or done much interacting on this site.  You can let us be here for you but it requires effort on your part to  where you can reach the point that you are actively making your way through this, no one can do it for you.  I do hope you will see a professional grief counselor as suggested in my "tips" article.  If you feel you have high anxiety and your doctor won't help you with it, see another doctor.  Do not self-medicate!  That is dangerous.  Think of those who love you, you've lost the person that was your world, but do you really want to do the same thing to those that love you?  Consider that, please, because I have lost someone to suicide, it's hard for those who love them, esp. when we want to be there for them and help them.

I know no one can bring your husband back, and that's ultimately what you want, but there is learning to live with them in a new way.  It's been 14 1/2 years for me but I remember that early time like it was yesterday.  I can tell you my husband and I still love each other, nothing changed that, only his body gave out, but the bond continues.
Not sure if you read my response to your question about what do I do to find joy, or not, but I'm reposting it here, also my "tips" as I don't know if you printed them out or not.

On 10/18/2019 at 5:57 AM, kayc said:


When I lost my George (we knew each other 6 1/2 years, only married 3 years 8 months) my big joy was gone.  I look for what I call the "little joys", nothing too small to count, it can be anything, a stranger letting you merge in traffic (a miracle), an unexpected check, a call from my sister, getting together with friends...I have learned not to compare what is to what was, comparisons are real joy-killers.  It takes practice.  I was in utter shock in the beginning, never in my life expected him to die right after his 51st birthday.

My heart goes out to you in our loss, this is something none of us would wish on anyone.  Little by little we learn to adjust and cope but I don't think our married friends have a clue what this is like.  He was my world, we were best friends, lovers, everything to each other.

I realize these little things may not seem joyous to you, but I've learned to embrace anything good and not disregard it, I've learned to live in the present and take one day at a time, it has helped tremendously.


There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.


  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...