Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Absolutely Distraught


Recommended Posts

17 hours ago, kayc said:

...then my son brought me a Klee Kai (miniature Husky) for  an early Christmas present.  It in no way alleviates my pain over losing Arlie, but I am enjoying the puppy. 

Kay, I am so happy to hear that you have a puppy and are enjoying him. No one will ever be able to replace our lost loved ones, but there are others with whom we can share our lives. I can't imagine ever losing Lena, but I know that I am likely to live longer than she. As much as I fear having to one day live without her, it is more unimaginable to contemplate living without a cat. I lived through fifteen pet-less years due to allergies and asthma that worsened through the years in a big polluted city. After moving to a place with clean air, I was ecstatic to find Lena and learn that I would be able to live with a cat again. I wanted to share her with the world, and in a way I have. I am happy and grateful every day that I have her. The last thing I do every night is to have a snuggle-purr fest with her, and say to her, "Thank you for being my kitty." I hope she lives a long time and no cat could ever replace her. On the other hand, it is worse to have no pet. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
  • Replies 56
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

Here is my sweet little girl. 

@Anappa, Thank you for sharing your beautiful reflection. "After months of thought, I’ve come to realize something beautiful I thought I would share.  Tonight is no different from any other

@Connor'sMom I’m very sorry to hear about Connor, what a beautiful puppy he was.  Routine is truly a gigantic source of pain as it relates to coming to terms with losing such a special part of th

Posted Images

After months of thought, I’ve come to realize something beautiful I thought I would share.  Tonight is no different from any other night - once work is done, the kids are asleep and my wife says goodnight, I miss my little girl and usually cry for a while, but I have to take a moment to appreciate the true love she had for me and understand what she did on her last day and it’s really quite amazing.  From between 4am-5am on that horrible day, I initially thought she was just overheated.  After realizing this wasn't the case I held her until I could get her to our vet but the reality is that her lungs were full of fluid and she could barely breathe, but she hung on for hours.  It wasn’t until 9:30 I was able to get her to the vet and despite all they did for her, she didn’t make it a half hour past that.  Her final moments were spent protecting me, she wouldn’t let go until I wasn’t there - I realize this clearly, it’s not even close to a coincidence and I wish I could thank her for it, it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve experienced in this life, even if my acknowledgement of it was delayed by my grief. 

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so glad for you to hear this, what a beautiful and sweet thing.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

@Anappa,

Thank you for sharing your beautiful reflection.

"After months of thought, I’ve come to realize something beautiful I thought I would share.  Tonight is no different from any other night - once work is done, the kids are asleep and my wife says goodnight, I miss my little girl and usually cry for a while, but I have to take a moment to appreciate the true love she had for me and understand what she did on her last day and it’s really quite amazing..."

It has been 6 weeks since we lost our sweet Connor. Our story of his last day with us is similar to yours. I find so much comfort knowing that members of our discussion group both understand and are trying to make sense of the loss of our fur angels. 

I miss Connor every second of everyday. I did not realize how much of my daily routines included him. Even making a grocery list....thinking we are out of xyz for Connor....then I remember. It is so uncomfortable. 

Lots of peace and prayers coming your way!

Connor'sMom

 

That's how we roll.jpg

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

I do well know what you mean.  I haven't tried to make sense out of Arlie's death, I don't think there is any.  The biggest waste of a wonderful life well lived.  Just like with the loss of my husband, I have had to accept there are some things I'll never like, agree with, or understand.  It is what it is.  :(

Your Connor is sweet.  I get your missing him, so much.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

@Connor'sMom

I’m very sorry to hear about Connor, what a beautiful puppy he was.  Routine is truly a gigantic source of pain as it relates to coming to terms with losing such a special part of the family.  For me, I dearly miss that routine, every single thing I did throughout the course of the day had a plan for Abby and while that part is getting easier as I adjust to my new routine at least, the struggle very much continues.  
 

Shopping is for me as well quite a difficult process.  There was always something on the list for her and part of my shopping routine included walking down the puppy aisle in search of anything I thought she may like.  I just glance at that aisle from a distance now and try to fight off the sadness - darn routine.
 

I think Kayc made a great point about not liking, understanding or agreeing with our losses in life but accepting them nonetheless.  I struggled with this point greatly initially and found myself countless times deep in thought on a runaway philosophy train trying to make any sense of this that I could, but to little avail.  It’s been nearly 11 weeks since Abby passed and at this point, I do accept it and that has helped tremendously as well as allowed me to consider things like my last post, which also help tremendously.  I think the goal for me is to find a way (in time of course) to remember her for all the good and joy she was and brought and to feel happy when I think of her.  I have no idea how long that might take and I know I’m quite a ways from being there, but I know that’s the way she would want to be remembered - Connor and Arlie as well, I have no doubt of this. 

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Anappa said:

remember her for all the good and joy she was and brought and to feel happy when I think of her

I do this, but the yearning in my heart for Arlie is tremendous.  It's hard to believe he's really gone, even after all this time.  I miss my baby so much!  I love all that he brought to me, he was the best dog in the world.  I was just thinking this morning how he brought me one more gift he didn't even know about...I'm Diabetic and my Blood Sugar started being way too high (185-204) fasting morning B.S. when he was diagnosed with cancer.  I thought it'd come down after his death and time of grieving.  Well it didn't.  It forced me to take radical measures and I started the Keto diet with the New Year.  Now my fasting B.S. is closer to 100, a bit up and down yet, and I've lost weight, will continue on it and my goal is to get off my Diabetic Medicines.  It could take months, maybe even longer, but I aim to get there.  

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/5/2020 at 8:47 AM, kayc said:

I do this, but the yearning in my heart for Arlie is tremendous.  It's hard to believe he's really gone, even after all this time.  I miss my baby so much!  I love all that he brought to me, he was the best dog in the world.  I was just thinking this morning how he brought me one more gift he didn't even know about...I'm Diabetic and my Blood Sugar started being way too high (185-204) fasting morning B.S. when he was diagnosed with cancer.  I thought it'd come down after his death and time of grieving.  Well it didn't.  It forced me to take radical measures and I started the Keto diet with the New Year.  Now my fasting B.S. is closer to 100, a bit up and down yet, and I've lost weight, will continue on it and my goal is to get off my Diabetic Medicines.  It could take months, maybe even longer, but I aim to get there.  

Yes, you will! - Shalom

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
On 2/5/2020 at 6:47 AM, kayc said:

Now my fasting B.S. is closer to 100, a bit up and down yet, and I've lost weight, will continue on it and my goal is to get off my Diabetic Medicines.  It could take months, maybe even longer, but I aim to get there.  

That is really terrific, Kay!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I credit George a lot for helping me by putting me onto a Diabetic Group online and for all of the information he's shared, some of which is above my pay grade!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

Nearly 5 months since Abby passed and I couldn’t even finish grieving before tragedy struck again.  My sister, just 34 years old died suddenly on March 8th, the whole family is just utterly destroyed.  Add the coronavirus and the lockdowns in place and honestly, I’ve had more than I can bear.  My parents are with me presently and I’m thankful for that, we’re all doing the best we can but my god, just when you think the going is rough, life makes darn sure you know it can always get worse.  I am both informed of the previous, afraid and emotionally numb.  I miss my puppy and my sister.  I can’t imagine what’s next. 🙁

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister, I lost mine two years ago but it's harder when they're so young and you don't expect it.  Dealing with multiple loss is hard.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

7 hours ago, Anappa said:

I can’t imagine what’s next.

Don't ask, I pray this is the last for a long time to come.  I'm glad you have your parents there.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

I’ve not registered yet but I thought with the loss of my beloved choc labrador Coco two days ago I needed to open up my thoughts as I’m currently heartbroken and bereft with guilt which is making me think of suicide as the loss is indescribable.He was nearly 10 but his last few months were not good due to heart disease and arthritis but we kept him alive on medication but I can’t help thinking we caused his ending as we used to let him lick our hands after eating a packet of salty crisps as well as our dinner plates so the guilt is overwhelming at the moment and unable to go out for his usual walks no more only made him worse  physically and I’m guessing mentally so on the vets advice we had him put to sleep.The thought of not cuddling,holding + kissing him ever again  is too hard to put into words and I know people have said to me get another dog but that for me and my partner is a big no no as no other dog will ever replace him.I’ve hardly slept,cried nonstop and hardly not eaten anything and the only thought I have is just wanting out of this life as he was my life and the grief is unbearable as when I close my eyes even for 10mins I do not want to wake up as the pain begins all over again😢

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

I've left my response in your other post so hope you will look there.  I'm sorry I didn't see this when you first posted it.  :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
On 4/29/2020 at 7:30 AM, Coco Forever said:

I’ve not registered yet but I thought with the loss of my beloved choc labrador Coco two days ago I needed to open up my thoughts as I’m currently heartbroken and bereft with guilt which is making me think of suicide as the loss is indescribable.He was nearly 10 but his last few months were not good due to heart disease and arthritis but we kept him alive on medication but I can’t help thinking we caused his ending as we used to let him lick our hands after eating a packet of salty crisps as well as our dinner plates so the guilt is overwhelming at the moment and unable to go out for his usual walks no more only made him worse  physically and I’m guessing mentally so on the vets advice we had him put to sleep.The thought of not cuddling,holding + kissing him ever again  is too hard to put into words and I know people have said to me get another dog but that for me and my partner is a big no no as no other dog will ever replace him.I’ve hardly slept,cried nonstop and hardly not eaten anything and the only thought I have is just wanting out of this life as he was my life and the grief is unbearable as when I close my eyes even for 10mins I do not want to wake up as the pain begins all over again😢

I’m so sorry it took so long to respond to this.  Unfortunately I can completely relate to your position and while I genuinely wish I could tell you it will get better soon, I must tell you it will probably not.  In the last year I have lost my most beloved friend (Abby) and I feel for her every single day by my left side in bed and every day that she isnt there I cry as I remember the horrific passing she had.  In the time since, my only sibling has passed and an uncle has committed suicide.  I wish I were making any of this up (truly), but it’s the actual truth and it’s a complete nightmare. 
 

Sigh.  I wish I could tell you it’ll be better, but it probably won’t be.  Life is terrible and I can only hope that yours will be better than mine. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

@Anappa, Oh my gosh, that's horrible!  I'm so sorry.  Life can sure be unfair as it hits some of us hard and others left unscathed.  I don't try to understand it.  I've lost so many people and pets...still kills me about my Arlie, even missing Kitty begging for Easy Cheese.  What a year!

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

Link to post
Share on other sites

6 weeks on and my grief is no better.I just cannot accept he’s gone.Worst part is driving home when I know he’ll not be at the door waiting for me with his lead in his mouth wanting his walk..I’m still battling the demons in my head telling me I don’t need to suffer the daily pain of life without him and I can feel the will to fight them is slowly ebbing away.What is the point when the most important thing in my life has gone forever and he’s never coming back?I miss my Coco so so much of every minute of every day.

Love Coco Forever x

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's important to see this through to the light at the end of the tunnel.  The only thing you'd be doing by taking yourself out is depriving yourself of any future joy you might have...and causing heartache to those who love you.  We are not an island, we affect others in our lives.  You may FEEL alone, but most of us have someone that cares, even if they don't live nearby.  I encourage you to call a suicide hotline when you feel that urge.  I wrote this article ten years after the death of my husband, it is the things I'd found helpful in my grief journey.  I've employed the same tools I learned through the loss of my husband, when I lost my Arlie, as his loss was just as keenly felt...these are the hardest losses I've had, and I have had many in addition to husband and Arlie, sister, parents, niece, nephew, grandparents, aunts, uncles, multiple friends and pets.  Your Coco was the closest one in your life, the one you lived with and your life was intertwined with, it's natural you're going to feel this for some time.  Six weeks is small in the scheme of things.  Please give this time...recognize it's not time alone that heals but what we do with it.  There's countless books, articles, counseling, even grief support groups, all helps and adds up to doing something to help yourself.  Coming here is one of those things, if nothing else, we can express ourselves and know we're heard, which is important.  It's important to know your grief is validated.  Also memorializing Coco can help.  I started walking a neighbor's dog when Arlie died, he wasn't Arlie but it was too hard to conceive of walking alone and it is a 12 year old Chow that is deaf and going blind, his owner died and the new owner has her hands full with babies, dogs, sheep, chickens, and a baby on the way, it helped us all.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

As always Kayc wise and very appreciable advice from someone who’s suffered more grief than I ever have and yes I’m taking one day at a time but I need to accept he’s never coming back to me which I’m finding very hard to deal with.He’s only real when I close my eyes and go sleep which in itself is a quite a task since he passed.

Until one has loved an animal,a part of ones soul remains unawakened.”

Anatole France

Love Coco Forever xx

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/10/2020 at 10:54 AM, Coco Forever said:

6 weeks on and my grief is no better.I just cannot accept he’s gone.Worst part is driving home when I know he’ll not be at the door waiting for me with his lead in his mouth wanting his walk..I’m still battling the demons in my head telling me I don’t need to suffer the daily pain of life without him and I can feel the will to fight them is slowly ebbing away.What is the point when the most important thing in my life has gone forever and he’s never coming back?I miss my Coco so so much of every minute of every day.

Love Coco Forever x

We all have a larger impact on the people around us than what we realize.  Being the recipient of someone who has acted on such urges, I can tell you that my life will never be right again and I’m far from the only one just over that one single decision.  That’s hardly a legacy any of us, all so capable of love and care would want for ourselves and a burden I know we wouldn’t want for the people we love or even just know.  The days ahead will be hard and they will continue to be, they remain so for myself and for Kayc but remember where you were before Coco and let him be a reminder of the beautiful things that you could possibly miss if you aren’t here.  Remember him, cherish those memories and grieve.  It’s a rollercoaster ride but one that truly needs to be seen to completion.  

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/11/2020 at 11:10 AM, Coco Forever said:

As always Kayc wise and very appreciable advice from someone who’s suffered more grief than I ever have

Someone once said the hardest grief in the world is our own...so true!  

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 months later...

It’s been nearly a year since Abby passed.. the year following truly the worst of my life (by far).  I miss her terribly, it’s just not the same and I just don’t have it in me to consider adopting a puppy despite the continued pressure from my wife.  It just feels like betrayal of the highest order.  
 

2019-2020 has seen the loss of Abby, the sudden death of my sister, the suicide of an uncle and the covid pandemic.  I’ve gone from a situation of relative calm to what feels like living some sort of twisted nightmare and all the things I would do, places I would go and people I would be with are met with strict conditions (thanks to covid) and I don’t dare for one moment compromise on that for a second as unlike everything else this past year, I have the ability to control this one to a degree and frankly, I’ve lost enough this year so if i have even a chance of preventing another loss, theres not even a choice to consider.  It’s a literal suffer in silence situation and whats worse is for the first time in my life, the people around me I’ve always leaned on and looked to for support are genuinely NOT doing well and I find myself in a position where I need to provide unfaltering support because they truly need it.  I have nobody to talk to (without damaging them more than they already have been), nowhere to go and I have to make sure people know “I’m doing just fine and I’m here to talk to” because I love my family and I want them to be okay and you know.. I’m not sure I’m okay - I haven’t even been able to figure it out yet.  With that, this isn’t a “I’m crumbling and it’s only a matter of time” note.. I’ll see it through, even if it takes the rest of my life. 
 

I find myself frustrated frequently, locked in thought about basic purpose and I’m curious if anyone else here has had this cyclical, unanswerable “mental situation” and may be able to share some insight or point me in a different direction from my typical black and white logic.  I don’t understand why we exist.  I do not understand the purpose of life .. nothing about it is actually productive, we don’t really achieve anything, we get nowhere and all we do along the way is take untold amounts of damage until we ultimately die.  It’s not about money, it’s not about possessions, if we make it about ourselves it’s even more hollow than if it were about the previous, if it’s about family (it is for me if I were asked to pick), we’re immediately destined to be in pain and personally atop of all that, it makes me feel inexplicably guilty.  I’m a parent, what on earth have I done by becoming one?  Have I brought two people into the world and cursed them to walk the same devastating path I have?  To come to the same dismal conclusions?  To realize that all the struggle, the sacrifice, the pain, the loss, the knowledge ... all of it is for nothing?  We all fight so hard, ache so badly and the reality is that we’re gone so quickly and we can’t even live in memory very long, any one of us is a mere two generations from being completely forgotten. 
 

I’d like to point out that I am in no way suicidal, I wouldn’t ever even consider it, I have my entire family to support and two sons who need me and I WILL be there for them all, but darn it if I’m not frustrated, hurt and pretty clearly a little depressed.  It’s been a bad year. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

First of all I want to say how sorry I am for all of these losses...this truly has been a horrid year.  I lost my BIL of 50 years to cancer 9/23 and it was 5 days from time we found out he wouldn't make it...until he died.  My sister is disabled and was dependent on him to drive her, cook, shop, everything, so much of that has fallen on me.  I do what I can (we're 10-12 miles from each other) and her neighbors/friends step in as needed.

I had reached the point, following the loss of my Arlie (soulmate in a dog and perfect dog for me) where I had accepted I probably would not have another dog...then my son brought me a puppy before Christmas.  I'm 68 and thought myself too old for a puppy and the rescues I ran across were older and I didn't think I could go through another loss so soon, or they had problems from abuse, biting, etc.  I have rescued many dogs, such as Arlie, but he was just under a year when I adopted him and was very gentle and self-assured.  But I gave this puppy a chance.  

I want to assure you that this is no way "replacing" Arlie, Arlie will always be #1 in my heart, I love him and miss him more than I can say...he was that special dog of a lifetime, my beautiful sweet boy.  Other than me as owner, the two do not have much in common.  Kodie was not daunted if he sensed any withholding or hesitation on my part!  He just kept being his adorable little self, loving me, playing, being a willing walking/running partner and is at the point now where I can't be without him.  But I reiterate to you, one never replaces another. 

I hope you will reconsider for your wife's sake...even if you do not want a dog yourself.  You might be surprised, but even if not, let her have one, so long as she understands it will be HER dog.  

I don't believe we are DESTINED to suffer, but we have all suffered this year, that is for sure!  To think it's destiny is to paint a future of hopelessness, and I have to have hope.  I was with some friends yesterday making refrigerator magnets and coasters and I did one that said "hope" and took it to my sister.  I think we need it as much as food/water, without which we will surely die.

I'm glad you aren't suicidal, and I understand your feelings of depression.  Sometimes I have to fight that too.  Especially since the loss of my husband, and my losing Arlie felt much the same as that.  It's the hardest thing in the world to get through but I'm here to tell you that we can get through this together, but I won't kid you, it's neither quick nor easy.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/10/pet-loss-when-nothing-eases-pain.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/09/pet-loss-why-does-it-hurt-so-much.html
http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/12/pet-loss-amazed-at-how-we-are-grieving.html

http://www.griefhealing.com/pet-loss-counseling.htm
 

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...