24 and widowed

[kayc]

Sometimes I think all that's kept me going is my belief we'll be together again.  I don't know that anyone "understands" life after because we haven't experienced it yet, but rather it's something we reach out in faith to hold onto.  

I get your feelings, my George was that one for me, and now it's been nearly 15 years without him here, it can all feel rather elusive after so long but really the only thing that took place was his body gave out...it did not change our love for each other or the connection we have.  It's like time plays tricks on us though, it can all feel so far away.

[Kieron]

11 hours ago, Amberley said:

I made a name tag for her just so the drs and nurses would use her chosen name,

That's sweet of you.  Often when we are "different," caregivers have to be vigilant that our loved one is treated fairly by the hospital, rehab center or what have you, and that means speaking up when things are not right.  This includes speaking up for ourselves and our right to fair treatment while our loved one is in the hospital.  But the strain of being vigilant can be immense.  I remember how it felt to wonder if the next shift nurse or care provider would be sensitive or be very subtly offensive.

Earlier, in your first post, you described feeling cheated by this loss.  yes, absolutely you were cheated.  We've said this in one form or another, but it's discouraging, even enraging, that mean, awful and cruel people remain alive while good, decent and beautiful people don't survive.

Since you lost her so very recently, I'd like to share an idea that came to me not long ago.  Grief and the experience of loss, pain, separation, and so forth is like a jagged piece of glass that we inadvertently keep getting nicked and cut by as we move forward from the time of the loss.  But this jagged glass edge becomes softened and smoothed over by the waves of grief we keep experiencing, and in this way it's just like "sea glass" or "beach glass" that is smooth, silky and lacking in sharp edges.  Just as the waves of the water take away the sharp edge, the passage of time and the waves of grief and the tears we shed smooth away that jaggedness, leaving us softer and more rounded.  But it takes time.  Nowadays there is a lot of sea glass or beach glass that has been artificially smoothed to look real, but it's fake, and the parallels are clear: you can't fake it.  The smoothness can only come from undergoing the natural process of grief.

 

[Amberley]

Thank you kieron, that's so beautiful I'll try to remember that. 

[scba]

Very beautiful metaphor, Kieron.

 

It is a major crisis, right? I remember thinking the same, how evil people are still alive and our dear ones don't? I also felt a big disinterest for people who had the same illness as my fiance had, if they survived or were still alive living well lives. If a cure was found. I unfollowed their stories. 

Yes, we have all been cheated. Mostly, cheated in our core set of beliefs, at least that is how it felt to me in the early years. Love, our love wasn't enough, it couldn't save their lives, it couldn't avoid the accident or the illness, I felt cheated by love itself. How this pain, this void, the feeling of hopeless in living without them, this absence, the idea of not seeing them ever again on this Earth, how these could be caused by loving someone so much?

I can spend time reflecting over this and that, but I can't reach to a definite answer. It is a mystery. And so, I stopped looking for answers. I stopped making questions. But it's OK to make the questions, is part of the process.

 

[kayc]

Kieron,

Thank you for that beautiful illustration.  I love those vivid reminders that help us through our struggles.

It's hard to believe in fives days it will be five months since I've lost my Arlie.  Having already lost my husband, I felt kind of like, "Can't I at least have my DOG?!"  Apparently not.    I remember hearing, right after he died, about a cancer center they're going to build in the nearby town for dogs.  I thought, "Why couldn't they have built it before my Arlie died?!"  He was the most deserving, best dog in the world.  My heart continues to be broken for him.

Alas I've had to learn to live with all of these losses, so many over the years, but the hardest by far being my George and Arlie.  And now Kitty adds to that list.  Like you, Ana, I know it does no good to ask "why," yet I think we all do with a fresh loss.

[Gwenivere]

Oh Ana, you always express the deep feelings so well.  I’ve stopped watched the news due to anger my good man is gone and it is filled with horrible, mean and cruel people that hurt others yet still walk among us. My man was so kind, sharing and loving.  I, also do not participate in any cancer related charities.  We were heavily involved in animal welfare and a homeless mission so I keep that going.  

I question love too.  I would never want to not have had the time I had with him, but the cost is so steep.  I don’t feel alive anymore.  Don’t think I ever will.  Time is closing in on me as it is.  I gave up on answers too, but the questions persist no matter what.  Those are the weights we drag thru this changed life.

[Amberley]

I feel such a sense of understanding with all of you, each post I read I feel I'm almost writing it myself, or have experienced the very same thing. I've had a lot of trauma in my life, my father passing at 14, being raped and almost murdered at 12, being abused by my step father until 13, being in and out of hospitals until 19, kicked out if my home with my best friend at 20, in a very emotionally, sexually and physically abusive relationship until 21, self harming for over half my life... unfortunately that's really only half of it. then I met nikki.

Nikki was the one good thing I ever had, the one thing that truly made me love living, she moved across canada to be with me, she loved me for me and accepted everything I went through without ever a second thought. 

When I lost her my heart kept beating even though I didn't want it to, I asked if I was good enough, I questioned why I deserved such pain, if somehow it was my fault that all of these things keep happening. Why was it my rapist got to go free, no punishment, but the one person who kept me strong had to go. 

I think that's why it's so hard to believe or trust in faith. I know it's not for me to understand the plan, but I try so hard to. 

Everything is so lonely, I miss her so much, just her presence, being around me, everything about her. 

Of all the things I've gone through, none of them came close to comparing to what this loss feels like for me, I never knew what happiness could feel like, I always assumed I wouldn't make it, but because I didn't know anything other than sadness I suppose I became okay with it. But when i met her i finally knew how everything was suppose to feel. What life really felt like, what happiness tasted like. I never thought I'd be back here in this darkness, this utter loneliness, but this time it hurts so much more because I know what perfect looks like.

And perfect is gone.  

[kayc]

Amberley, I have been through many similar things in my life also...I'm no longer young now.  Like you, meeting George was the bright spot in my life, he was the one who truly loved me and got me.

There've been times I wondered why I had to get the parents II did, or go through the hard places I did when I was so young...but I've learned over the years that everything I went through shaped and molded me into who I am.  I would not have the full perspective I do, the empathy or understanding or even half the wisdom, had I not been through these things, so I guess it's not for me to wonder why but to realize that it's all part of my journey and contributed to who I am.  I've learned to pray for something good to come from even the seemingly bad things.

And yes "perfect" for you may seem gone, but we will never lose our memories and things things did happen, we did share life and love and that can never truly be taken from us as long as we breathe and remember.  It's my hope to be with him again someday, if not for that hope it would be even harder.

[Amberley]

I agree, It's shaped me to who I am today, nikki and I probably wouldnt have met if I hadnt gone through as much as I had. I'm sorry your past was troubled as well, it's certainly never easy. Thank you for your continued support and kind words ❤️