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Hi. It's me again. I recently lost my mother.


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Monday was super tough but yesterday I found it difficult to shovel because my back and right hand hurt so bad from overuse.  I'd put a plea for help on FB and got seven offers of help!  My neighbor showed up and together we shoveled out the driveway.  I was even able to get more firewood in last night!

When I was out walking Joe (my neighbor's chow) another neighbor told me he can plow if/when I need it, so I'll take him up on it next time it's like Monday was.  He said last year his plow was out of commission but now he has it fixed and running again.  It felt good to get so many responses and know I'm not totally isolated, it's what I love about this community and especially my neighborhood.

Kodie LOVES the snow!  When I take him out to poop/pee he often gets sidetracked jumping in the snow and biting it!  He is, after all, still a wee puppy!

I'm so sorry about Sterling, so unfair for someone to strike someone so good.  :(  Haha, you've got my son pegged!  Yes engineers are definitely nerdy!  I love it!  His favorite comic is xkcd half of which I don't get but when I do understand what they're talking about...it is his dry humor.  :D

I hope you enjoy your day!  Tomorrow more snows to come, will try to do it on my own if I can.  If not, I know who to call!

 

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I finished going through the last box of Mother's books this morning. I did not realize it, but going through Mother's books and notes has been a gentle and good way to help with saying goodbye to her, of letting go of any lingering hope of every seeing her whole, or having a coherent conversation with her.  She was brilliant, but so very broken. Her notes on her students, on her classes and lessons, were fun to read. Some of her poems were lovely. She wrote poetry about roses, flowers, the sky.  

Grandson Sterling and I are planning a trip to China when he is entirely healed. My worry is lessened because he is in daily therapy at the hospital—both antibiotics for sepsis and physical therapy exercises—but they have saved his leg, which was in question for a while. He is doing well, still a bit in trauma, but articulate and made a joke when we talked yesterday. He said all the bone and bullet splinters in his leg "could have been  arranged in a coherent pattern if the surgeon had been on his game"  But instead the surgeon "just gave up and took all the introduced metals and reorganized organics out and tossed them."  Only my genius grandson would think of having fragments made into a connect-the-dots image in his leg. But he was laughing and that was very reassuring.  The investigating officer told me that the robbers were after the IDs of people who work in the research park, because the robbers can sell the IDs for quite a bit of money. They sell the “package” of drivers license, credit cards, SS#s, so the buyer has a whole set of documents, not just one piece of ID. Who knew?  And all these research science people are a “soft target” according to the detective. Thus the series of robberies in the quiet research park. 
Meanwhile, my daily physical therapy is paying off and I am getting stronger. I have real biceps muscles again. 
Kay, we had more snow last night, so as soon as my GF gingersnaps (for an upcoming tea) are finished baking, I am going out to shovel the snow. The local plow guy will come and plow the drive if we get another snowfall.  I hope you are taking it easy and that you and Kobie are having a good snug time there by the cozy fire. 
My mother is gone at 93. I am now an elder in the family, and as such, I will get more involved in family matters. Life has a way of pulling us back in even if we would rather be isolated in our little ivory tower doing research. Sterling and I agree that we cannot avoid life as it is. *<twinkles>*
 

 

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7 hours ago, feralfae said:

but they have saved his leg

Praise the Lord!  That had to be very scary for him.  It'll be good to have something to look forward to...together.

7 hours ago, feralfae said:

Only my genius grandson would think of having fragments made into a connect-the-dots image in his leg.

Think how fun it would be at an airport scanner!

7 hours ago, feralfae said:

They sell the “package” of drivers license, credit cards, SS#s, so the buyer has a whole set of documents, not just one piece of ID. Who knew?

Years ago when I was Office Mgr. for a mill, 1/3 of our workforce was Hispanic...their "green cards" looked better than ours!  Alas one day the INS paid a visit...cost a pretty fortune in lawyer's fees but my boss was able to let them stay on.  They were all good workers, they took care of their own and if there was a bad seed among them, they sent them packing themselves.  How things have changed since then.

I was able to make it to town (50 miles away) to get groceries today.  Did a bit of shoveling today, not bad.

I love it...your ivory tower.  I want one!

My mom was 92 when she passed 5 1/2 years ago.  I honestly don't want to live that long, her last few years were hard (dementia, giving up her home).  Especially since I've been alone since I was 52, enough is enough.

I hope you don't get much of a storm.  

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  • 3 weeks later...

Needless to say, I've been busy with my grandson's trauma, and just talking-to him so he has a way to vent about how scared he was. He is doing a little better, and the physical therapy is working.

But my mother's estate stuff is still going on. So many memories of my early years, remembering all the confusion when she would go to the hospital, not knowing what to do, and still, today, knowing that there was nothing I could do to make her happy or better.  Her life was such a tangle of confusion, fear, periods of being functional, then watching her slowly lose her grasp on reality again. It seems as though every time she was gaining ground and getting better, something would trigger her and she would be far away in some other world again. I am sorting all of this out, learning a lot about how it shaped and colored my own view of life and of people. Much confusion, but also some strengths that I built from her illness, and some threads of life that I still carry. I'm glad I have time right now to ponder all of these memories and sort through them.  *<twinkles>*

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I can relate, dear fae, my mom was never in reality, never saw her "better" either.  You are right that there was no making her happy or better.  We can only change ourselves, not others and they alone are responsible for themselves although when they''ve lost their grip on reality, I think they're perhaps beyond helping themselves.  So sad that some people suffer this way.  One consolation I have is that now she is in a far better state of mind and she is finally the person she was created to be, without being haunted with these things.  I hope you also find consolation in that with your mother.  The person we knew will be made right when we at last see them again!

You are a solace to your grandson, I am sure.  You make your life count and that I've always admired about you!

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  • 1 month later...

I have finally finished (I think) going through Mother's papers. I'm still sorting Doug's papers too, and so this whole process of going through Mother's things has brought back a lot of the sadness and grief from Doug's death as well. I'm glad I had a break, a respite from it all to go out in the field, but have been back home a few days and while I rest, I have been sorting more papers. I spend a couple hours on Doug's papers, then a couple hours on Mother's papers, then I leave both asks and do something else. But the grief is so strong here in the house, where there are reminders of Doug all around me, as well as stacks of Mother's books. I think the hardest part is still wishing I could have had better visit and talks with Mother. Thank you Kay, for knowing how hard it can be to break through and communicate with someone who is mentally ill.  I am so sorry you could not communicate with your mother either.  Yes, it is a great comfort to know that they are both safe, out of pain and confusion and fear, and at peace now.  To have that assurance that things will be all right for her now, and that when I see her again she will be free from the fear and confusion is something I can look forward to having happen.  *<twinkles>*

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On 3/6/2020 at 7:51 AM, feralfae said:

To have that assurance that things will be all right for her now, and that when I see her again she will be free from the fear and confusion is something I can look forward to having happen.

That is my take on this with my mom too.  And you know what?  In the end, she knew I loved her, I was there for her throughout her journey into dementia, clear to the end.  And she knew who I was.  Beginning in my forties I learned to set boundaries with her, I refused to let her control me or emotionally blackmail me, and stood my ground.  It meant when she interfered with my raising my kids I had to stand up to her and it resulted in her choosing not to speak to me for a year.  And that was okay, it wasn't my preference but I had to let her choose her behaviors and consequences.  And it wasn't forever.  It is HARD dealing with a mentally ill parent, but we've learned so much for having gone through this journey...and that is rich, even if it doesn't always feel so at the time.

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