Recently lost my mum, having a hard time, I think.

[mellvetica]

Hi everyone. 

On November 6th of this year, my mother passed away from complications and illness that she had been fighting with for eleven years, and I think I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it. 

 

I'm 27 currently, and was unlucky enough to be the one that found my mother after school one day when I was 16, in my senior year. She was sitting on a chair, slurring her words and unable to move. It is a moment that has stayed with me for over a decade. Of course I called the ambulance and got her help, after borderline arguing with her for the better part of a half hour as she was adamant that she was fine and did not need to go anywhere. I was later told she had suffered from a stroke in her spinal chord, and she was paralyzed from the breast bone down. This was something that had only ever been seen in textbooks, as strokes normally hit the brain before anything else. 

After that point in our lives, our relationship became turbulent at best. I was given the role of being her designated care giver at a young age, and was essentially given the option of put my entire life on hold for her, to take care of her, or - there was no other option. 

I'd always thought that it was unfair, to be thrust into this life at such a crucial moment in my own. Because of what I call 'the accident', I was unable to complete my high school diploma in school, and had to finish my credits through corespondents. To say the least, it was a hard time in my life, and even now I feel the remnants of that pain. Being as I am, I was already considered disabled and mentally ill (the disability is mental), and had no concept of how to care for someone else, let alone for myself. That still stands today, I feel often that I am incredibly behind in my growth as a human being, and an adult. 

With all that being said, though, I attended college after some time, which had always been a dream of mine. I am currently in my third year of study to become a practicing artist and designer... it elated me to be able to have a social life and exist outside of my home. My mother was in and out of the hospital, and I stayed at home to continue taking care of her. My entire life evolved around my mother. I would be home by certain times to feed her, do all of her shopping for her, make sure she had what she needed at any time. I hadn't even been given the opportunity to leave my city to go to a school that specialized in my specific field of study. But it was all for her comfort, at my behest. 

I had gotten used to the idea of subjecting my life to this forever. 

And then one day, it was over. My mother passed due to complications from bed sores that she had obtained while in the hospital. 

Strangely enough, it happened while I was in school, again, at a pivotal time in my life she fell ill and I was unable to help or stop it from happening. 

Now that she has passed, I am completely, wholly and entirely unsure of my life. My future seems exceedingly unclear, and I cannot focus or finish my lessons, but I am unable to quit. I don't know what to do with myself, and I am crying a lot, and feel unable to focus and work. Sitting down to write this is the most I've been able to clearly write in a month, and I wish I could put the same energy into my assignments. I want to be able to talk to my mum again, to tell her I'm sorry for all of the times I got frustrated with her. To tell her that she drove me insane but I didn't realize I would miss talking to another person so much. I sat with her as she passed, and held her hand, and in all my life I have never felt so alone.

I don't know what to do. 

 

For the past eleven years, our roles had essentially been reversed and she became my child.

 

Does anyone have some encouraging words, or methods of focusing and being able to complete my studies? How can I be okay again? How can I cope with her loss and the loss of the very clear center of my life while... not losing myself as I have. Does that make sense? 

 

I feel awful.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, mellvetica said:

I feel often that I am incredibly behind in my growth as a human being, and an adult.

I want to first say how sorry I am for your loss.  Oh dear one, I hope you can look at it that rather than being behind in your growth as a human being, as an adult, that you are growing differently, uniquely than most, and that is okay too...I have learned that everything I have gone through in my life, rather than it being "bad" or a negative, was all used to shape and mold me into who I am, with lessons and qualities I would not have had I gone a "more normal" route than what was my life.  And all of those things I've been able to lay hold of and use later on.  It's all part of me.  I don't know why my path was so different than others I grew up with, only that it was, and I don't resent it, even the things that were not good, there have been positives that have arisen from them, things I could not see at the time going through it.  I reckon it will be rather like that with you as well.

When I was 14, almost 15, my sister Donna was in a horrible car accident...it killed her three year old boy, Jimmy, it made her quadriplegic as well as crushed her pelvis and jaw, left her brain damaged...it also left my sister Peggy brain damaged, her sense of balance broken, yet Donna's 4 month old, Micky, was left unscathed.  Everything in our family's lives was "before" and "after" that moment in time.  I was set to go to state for my gymnastics...that was over.  As was my teen life.  No dating, no class trips, nothing.  My life revolved around taking care of Donna, my little sister, Julie, and Micky.  My mom had them when I was in school, but I came straight home from school and took over while my parents hit the tavern for their "time out."  When they got home at 9, after I had everyone in bed, I got to start my homework and studies.  I didn't get enough sleep.  My parents gave no thought as to how all this affected me, their focus was on getting through their day, my mom especially felt overwhelmed and stressed...and she took it out on me.  She was extremely abusive to me, verbally, emotionally, physically.

You stuck it out with your mom, being there for her until the day she died.  I ran off and got married at 17 (a disaster, he was no better than my mom) and although I did finish school, you see, I had no teenage-hood, all I ever knew was adult responsibilities and the "real world" of problems and suffering.  

My sister Donna, she went through immense suffering, adjusting to the loss of her child, both of them really as my parents eventually adopted Micky, and her independence, her life as she knew it.  The first couple of years she'd scream and want us to take her life, she was unable to even do that herself.  But she eventually adjusted to this new life and she was amazing, I feel so incredibly blessed to have known her, to be part of her life.  50 years she lived as a quadriplegic before passing away 1 1/2 years ago.  She was serene, and us, her sisters, we tried to give her something to look forward to in her life...we'd take her out to eat and shopping once a month, all of us coming together from all over the state, for her.  I miss her, I miss her incredible wit and sense of humor.

You, too, have had an incredibly unique journey thus far...it would be easy to resent not getting to have a "normal" life like your peers, that you were bogged down with adult responsibilities at such a young age.  I don't know why some of us seem "chosen" (although I'm not sure anyone plans this out for us) to have a life so different, so hard...while others seem carefree.  I remember being 23 in a Sunday school class for college age kids...about 50 of us in all, and I felt incredibly out of place, like I didn't fit in.  Their lives seemed to revolve around what dress to wear and oh their fingernail broke, while that all seemed so trivial to me!  They knew nothing of all I had been through in my life, escaping abuse, going through hardship.  But being different was okay, for all I had been through molded me into who I was, and was used both during and later on in my life.

You are missing your mom, wishing you'd been kinder, more patient...all of us remember those things later on after we lose someone close to us, we think of all the what ifs, and feel guilt when in actuality we did our best and they were likely so grateful for us.  I don't know why we're so hard on ourselves, but that seems a commonality in grief.  When I catch myself doing that, I ask myself, "What would I tell a friend going through this?"  and then tell that same thing to myself.  Because none of us would be so hard on a friend as we are on ourselves.  And we do need to learn to be our own best friend.

I hope you will continue to come here, it can be a great outlet for getting everything out...this place has been a lifesaver to me after losing my husband, George, my mom, my sister, Donna, and more recently, my dog, Arlie.  Here there is someone to listen, someone that gets it and it seems cathartic to pour out our hearts, like journaling, only with others listening on the other end.

When my husband died, I had to go back to work two weeks later, I was broke, had bills pouring in for his medical, hospital/doctor/ambulance, I needed the roof over my head and food to eat.  It was extremely hard to focus and I never felt I was quite the same employee after as I had been before.  I had no clarity of mind.  I was in what they call a "grief fog."  But I did my best and kept going, one day at a time.  Then I lost my job.  I feverishly looked for work, this was the start of the recession and I experienced age discrimination for the first time in my life.  But I got a job in the nick of time, and although life was hard, I put one foot in front of the other and kept going, commuting 100 miles a day, often in snow.  I couldn't stop and think about how hard it was or I'd be undone, I just kept going.

In one of Marty's articles it talks about dosing your grief.  In a way that's kind of how we have to do it, keep going during the daytime to work or go to school, letting ourselves grieve nights and weekends, cry, scream, whatever, to get it out, but it's important to allow ourselves time to FEEL our grief, as painful as that may be, that is part of our processing it.  And you will get through this, sometimes you won't know HOW you will, but you will.  Try to stay in today, it helps.  It helps not to take on the whole "rest of your life" which invites anxiety (my enemy), but another thing staying in this moment does is helps you to appreciate what IS, not merely lament what isn't.  It helps you appreciate the good that is, no matter how fleeting or small, to embrace and grasp it for what it is.  

We want to be here for you as you travel on this journey.

You ask about how to help your focus...one way is through meditation....there are many meditations in the "Tools" section, start with ones no longer than 10 minutes, you can work your way up from there or stay there, it's not so much about time as in learning to breathe again.

[MartyT]

I also invite you to read In Grief: After Caregiving Ends, Who Am I? ❤️

[mellvetica]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

I want to first say how sorry I am for your loss.  Oh dear one, I hope you can look at it that rather than being behind in your growth as a human being, as an adult, that you are growing

Hi KayC, I want to thank you for sharing your story with me. It's something that helps me not feel so.. strange and alone, if that makes sense. It made me cry, like I made a connection with someone who I'd been missing my whole life, and warmed my heart. Thank you for doing everything you could do to take care of the people in your life. I'm happy that someone like you is out there, living and experiencing life in the best way that you can. 

 

Please always be the best version of you that you can be. While your mother may have been harsh, know that I, as I am today, am proud of the experiences you went through and the hardships you tackled. I can only hope that every day I live I will live with your warmth in mind! 

 

Thank you for this advice. I've heard to do meditation over many years of my life, but never quite found the patience for it. My brain tends to be in fire all the time, and I had trouble focusing. Perhaps now that I am in great need, I can try again and it can greet me with kindness. 

[mellvetica]

13 hours ago, MartyT said:

I also invite you to read In Grief: After Caregiving Ends, Who Am I? ❤️

MartyT,

 

Thank you for this article. Even with just the question posed, I feel a sense of pain but also comfort. They have put all of my feelings into words that I was unable to express. As much as it pains me to know that so many have suffered in a similar loss, I also feel less alone.

It's genuinely a profound feeling of dissonance with the people around me in my life.

I will read more of these articles into the night, I think.

[kayc]

I was a caregiver to my MIL for three years, that was before internet days, I do remember feeling that loss of purpose as well as loss of her, and it's kind of like you don't know what to do with yourself.  I also was caregiver to my dog when he had cancer and felt that same thing after he was gone.  You're not only missing them but there's also an emptiness inside.  I would gladly be cooking for him again.  It's like our whole life revolved around taking care of them...