Not sure how to grieve my grandpa

[Kenzie]

My grandpa just passed away on Sunday from a fight with cancer. I don't really know how to deal with this because I've never had to before. I'm currently at college and going through finals which makes it even more awful because I feel like I don't have the time to process what happened and because I'm away from my family. I've signed up for a grief supply group on campus but don't really have time to attend and don't know if they're going to hold it next week. I wish I had my family to talk to but I don't want to make my mom any more upset than she already is. I just feel like I never got the opportunity to really consider what happened. I got the news when I was on the plane and didn't have time to cry until I got back to school. I just don't really know what I should do or who I could talk to that isn't my family or friends.

[Novi]

Hi Kenzie,

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandpa. I know it was a while since you posted but I hope that you've had at least some time to process the loss. Cancer is a horrible thing that no one should have to experience. And by that I also mean the people who have to watch their loved ones go through the sickness.

I never got to know any of my extended family due to something that happened before I was born so I can't really relate to your loss, but I do sometimes grieve what I never had a chance to have.

I think that you should talk to your mom about it, it might help you both. 

[kayc]

@Kenzie  I am so sorry for your loss.  I too have lost people to cancer, one of my best friends three years ago, and four months ago my beloved dog, Arlie.  It's so hard to watch them suffer and yet hard to let them go too at the same time.

Sometimes it helps to talk to your family members about it, my mom was widowed for 32 years and she told me it meant so much to her when I'd bring up my dad because most of the world pretended he never existed, so maybe bring it up and see how it goes.

[MartyT]

Kenzie, my dear, I'm so sorry to learn of your grandpa's dying ~ and at a time when you are away in college and studying for finals. I hope that the on-campus grief support group is offering some of the support you need and deserve. Finding other students on campus who like you are coping with significant loss ~ many for the first time, just like you ~ is probably one of the most helpful things you can do for yourself. Grief is best dealt with when we can find others whose losses are similar to our own, because we realize we are not "crazy" and we are not alone in how we are feeling.

You say you don't want to upset your mom by talking with her about this death. I don't know your mom, but I hope you will consider at least asking her if she'd be okay with talking with you about this loss and what it means for her. Silence in the face of grief is not the best way to deal with it. We may think that by not talking about it, we are protecting everyone from the pain of it ~ but the pain is there, whether we acknowledge it or not ~ and then a sort of "conspiracy of silence" descends upon the family, and everyone suffers in silence. You could be the one to break that silence. Perhaps if you did some reading about what is normal in grief, you'd feel more confident in helping yourself and your family in navigating your way through this situation. Here are just a few suggestions:

Actively Moving Forward

Grief: Understanding The Process

Common Myths and Misconceptions about Grief

Helping a Grieving Parent

 

[kayc]

22 hours ago, MartyT said:

Silence in the face of grief is not the best way to deal with it. We may think that by not talking about it, we are protecting everyone from the pain of it ~ but the pain is there, whether we acknowledge it or not

Good point, also good suggestion to ASK her her preference.  Also great articles.