Rotten, Mouldy, Holiday Sandwich

[Novi]

I haven't been here in a very long time. I joined in November of 2011, the day before my mom succumbed to cancer. I suffer from depression (actually was finally diagnosed for Bipolar disorder in 2016) and I'm currently going through a medication change so I've been feeling a little less than mentally sound lately. Much like the last time I just searched the internet for grief support, and I found myself here again. It was really emotional to read my posts from 8 years ago. Grief does things to you. When you lose someone you change and you are never the same person again. My depression/bipolar came from my father's side, he passed away from suicide in January of 1998.

Needless to say, December and it's holidays are the rotten meat in between the mouldy bread slices called November and January.

In the last eight years things have been very challenging. Other events happened that I know have prevented me from grieving the death of my mother properly. In 2012 I took a chance and moved to a new province, I wanted a fresh start. I even kept my job as they had an office in the city I was moving to. I really thought things would get better, but then in 2013 I met a man and he destroyed my trust and my ability to have any healthy relationships. (I haven't dated since). Shortly before he showed his true colours, I had managed to find a very good grief counselor, which is rare in my opinion - not because of skill, but because you have to "click" with any therapist. It was through a hospice and the therapy was even free of charge. Only catch is that it was only 5 sessions.

I spent those 5 sessions talking about the emotionally destroyed situation that "man" had left me in. I still need help with that situation because I still suffer emotionally. I hate to admit it but I'm stuck in frozen grief over what happened. Of all the things I've been through and that is what broke me. I moved back home in late 2014 and was laid off from my job in January of 2016. My friend Beck (who I will talk about in the pet loss section) passed away from cancer in February of this year. He was my constant for 16 years and the pain of losing him was on par with losing my mom.

I'm hoping that 2020 and a brand new decade will bring me some good news. I could really use a break.

I guess this is my way of saying hello (again) to everyone here. I hope you all have pleasant holidays despite the pain you are all dealing with.

~Novi

[kayc]

Novi,

I'm sorry you had the bad experience with a man...in all my relationships I've only had one who truly loved me and he died 14 1/2 years ago.  I hope you can learn to be cautious but open and if/when you do meet someone of interest, proceed slowly and pay attention if there are any red flags.  Therapy can be invaluable as it can help you explore and learn about what allowed you into this situation so it doesn't repeat.

I'm sorry for your loss of a long time friend.  I've lost many friends and family members and yet the two that have hit me the hardest were my husband and my dog (four months ago today).  The loss of any close relationship does indeed change us and leave those empty holes in our heart. 

Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace and wishes for some brightness in your future, we could all use that.

[Novi]

Hi Kayc and thank you for your response. I'm sorry about the loss of your husband. You are lucky too because you got to experience what love is like even though the more you love someone, the more it hurts when they pass away.

I still cling to the hope that maybe someday that will happen for me too. I still can't bring myself to date however, I think it will be a long time before I let someone get close to me again. 

 

I've once again been visited by grief. My cat Sphinx was diagnosed with leukemia earlier this year and passed away on May 28th. I'm still reeling from the pain of losing her especially so soon after losing Beck. At her age I thought she would live to be as old as Beck. It isn't fair. But I get that life isn't fair of course, it is what it is. I think the hardest part was dealing with her sickness, the back and forth to the vets and the euthanasia through covid curbside service. It was awful. But she gave me 13 wonderful years, there is always a positive side. 

 

[kayc]

I'm sorry to hear about your cat.  My beloved soulmate in a dog, Arlie, passed from cancer Aug. 16 and then Jan. 6 my 25 year old cat, Kitty, passed, she had liver & kidney failure.  It is very hard learning tto adjust without them being here.  With Arlie it hurt just like when I lost my husband 15 years ago, it killed me.

Before Christmas my son brought me a Klee Kai, conceived when Arlie died, born on my birthday.  The name that popped into my head was Kodie.  I didn't know the breeder had given him a name, Kobie and when my son was bringing him to me, he stopped and got a tag made, accidentally put in Kodie...the name that popped into my head when I first saw his picture!  So Kodie it is.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  He doesn't replace Arlie, but he keeps me company and keeps me busy and is very sweet and loving and adorable.

I've learned in these last 15 years of grief to appreciate what IS and look for and embrace whatever good there is.  I too hope you will have that love someday.  Not sure what's in my future as I try to stay in today and no one knows for sure. 

 

 

[Novi]

I don't know where to turn to anymore. I'm not living, I'm surviving. I am never happy. Ever since Beck died last year I've cut anyone out of my life that has wronged me, even over the smallest things. I don't know if it's good or bad. But every time I lose someone I become more reclusive. Over the years friends have always made me come to them, and I don't want to do it anymore. Why can't they come to me? Why does it always have to be a one sided effort? I don't want to do it anymore, I feel like I am worth some effort at least.

Because I don't put in the one sided effort anymore I'm always alone... but I was alone before, wasn't I?
I've always grieved alone. Grief is my companion. Whenever I start to see light he comes back and wraps his arms around me in a dark caress. 

I don't apologize anymore, I use to apologize all the time, even when things weren't my fault. I refuse to apologize now even when they are. I don't like the person I am becoming. But I'm not living, I'm just surviving anyways, so it I guess it really doesn't matter anymore. 

I found a therapist earlier in the year, but in a span of two months she has cancelled 4 appointments. It was killing me - we were doing EMDR therapy. She would open my wounds then leave me bleeding for weeks in between sessions. I found myself in such a dark place while seeing her that I finally cancelled the rest of my appointments. I feel like everywhere I turn I hit a wall. Why even try? I wish I could embrace the beauty in the world but I just don't see it.

The only time I see colour in this black and white world is when I drop flowers on my mother's grave. 

[kayc]

I didn't have to cut out friends when my husband died, all of our friends disappeared overnight, I guess death made them uncomfortable...if it could happen to me, it could to them, they didn't want to think about it.  Or maybe because they were part of a couple they didn't want friends that weren't coupled?  IDK, I only know I would have never done this to my friends!  It showed who they were, ultimately.

It took me probably three years just to process my husband's death.  It was such a shock, so unexpected, he was still young, we thought we had many years left together before anything like this would happen!  I read a lot about grief, I was on this site daily, I read other's posts, I posted.  The articles and books on grief helped greatly.  I listened to anything Marty had to say.  It took me years more to rebuild a life I could live.  I got involved in groups where I'd have contact with others, at church, at the senior site, and eventually private groups of women.  I had happy moments.  I purposed to look for joy in every day, no matter how small...nothing too insignificant to count.  In so doing that, I didn't miss what good there was in life.  And there is.  Something as small as a stranger holding the door open for me, someone letting me merge in traffic, a phone call from my sister, unexpected money, someone smiling at me, anything!  In practicing this I began to learn the art of practicing living in the present moment and it taught me to fully appreciate what IS rather than merely what is no longer.  I learned that comparisons are real joy killers and to try not to do that.  Sometimes we do such as when we have surgery and no one is there to help us, like our spouse would have been, but then I dismiss the thought and focus on what I can do to help myself through it.

I won't say it is easy, but a determined effort, an art, if you will, that gets easier with practice.  I reach out to others, I call them, not enough to be a pest, but enough for them to know I'm thinking of them now and then.  I try to be there for others.  I don't keep score.  That's a losing proposition.  

It is perfectly okay to weed out people who are toxic.  But I think long and hard before cutting people loose.  Maybe put them on the back burner for a while, give it time for your perspective to come full circle...if the person continually irritates you or brings you down, then by all means, see them less often.  You will know when you truly need to do without that person in your life, but don't be too hasty.  It can be a lonely world out there, all the more so now in this pandemic.

12 hours ago, Novi said:

Why even try?

No one else will notice or care if you do/don't try, likely...but you will.  We try for ourselves!  We want to give ourselves the best possible chance of healthy function and interaction, and that does require effort.  Yes it sucks that we need to do that just when we feel least able to.  But maybe that's exactly the boot we need in our lethargy and grief depression.  Keep trying!  Stay positive...the only one it ultimately hurts if we do not is ourselves.

Hoping you can call someone today...for one minute, a neighbor, acquaintance, family member, long ago friend, someone.

[Novi]

I noticed the same thing after my mom died. My grief was inconvenient for them. I lost a few friends during that time too, mostly because we lost touch as I didn't nave the strength to make calls, visit etc. I don't understand how people can be so cold. It was the same after my dad died too, but because it was a suicide at the time I thought that was why... also I was in high school and kids that age aren't particularly mature either... but it was a very hard thing to go through. I really don't think I've dealt with my father's death, I just sort of put it away in a neat box and it still sits there waiting to be opened. 

One of my friends lost her husband last year, they were high school sweethearts. I can't even imagine the pain of losing a spouse, I can appreciate that it took you three years to even process. I'm on this forum and a few others, I do find that posting and reading about other people's losses does help. Usually anyways. But I have bipolar disorder and when I posted that yesterday I wasn't feeling well at all. Today, I see a little more colour in the world. Tomorrow I may smile. It's a daily struggle and I hate being negative but it's exhausting to fight sometimes. My mom was always there for me with my mental illness, she knew when she was dying that I would struggle and I know it broke her heart. I try my hardest because I don't want to disappoint her. I will try another therapist soon, I think because my work benefits cover it. I just hope I can find a good one that won't rebook or cancel the appointments. 

You are right, no one will notice if I don't try. I need to work on my self worth and I have a friend (Albeit online and he lives far away) but he has been a huge help. He is always willing to listen, I am very grateful for him. 

Thank you so much for your response Kayc, I truly appreciate it. I will try and post here a little more, it's a good healthy outlet and I need (and deserve) that. 

[kayc]

I'm sorry you struggle with Bipolar, that alone is enough to deal with but to be grieving on top of that?  Super difficult!

1 hour ago, Novi said:

Tomorrow I may smile.

Try to keep that in mind during your down times...you may not feel like it at the moment but if you can remember that with your head, maybe it'll help you to hang in there until tomorrow comes.

I am glad you have a friend for an outlet...some of my best friends I haven't met in person!  It's easy to share here, we tell our innermost thoughts and feelings.  And no judgment.  Some people in our "real world" don't get it.  I look forward to getting to know you a little better!

[Novi]

Here again, and right on time for the holidays. It has been 10 years since my mother passed away. While I am happy that she doesn't have to deal with all the craziness in the world right now, I wish she was still here, because she was always my voice of reason. This is a terrifying time. 

I was looking at my post history and I never mentioned my two losses from 2020: My two girls Sphinx and Cleo. To many people animals are "just pets" and I get that. But to me they are my family. I adopted Sphinx in 2007, she was a stray. Beautiful girl, a snowshoe. My little Binxie-queen. She passed away in May 2020... well, I made the decision to let her go once leukemia riddled her little body. I have no regrets about the euthanasia, but how I miss her!!! 

Cleo was a sweet and tiny senior kitty I adopted a few weeks after my soulmate Beck passed away. I wanted to help another senior like Beck because so many people adopt younger. Cleo was sick when I adopted her in Feb 2019 and she died on Mar 2nd 2020. Although I had a lot of time to prepare her death was hard. We can never prepare ourselves for these things. 

On Nov 3rd of this year my last kitty, Nile was diagnosed with stage 2 kidney disease. That news was so devastating. He seemed okay, I only took him to the vet for his yearly checkup. He went from healthy to that in only a year. So much like the year 2011, I am once again in the midst of anticipatory grief. I'm doing my best to take care of him with a special diet and a medication. He's still losing weight though. I bought him a heated blanket yesterday from Amazon, it arrived last night but I am at work. I go home in two hours and I can't wait to give him his gift. I know he will love it!!! I always catch him sitting on the top of Orangey's terrarium (my bearded dragon) because of the heat lamp and ceramic heat emitter. He's not supposed to be up there, I don't like it and I don't think Orangey does either. Plus I worry he will burn himself. I keep him out of the room where orangey is while I am not at home for that reason. But he loves heat so I think he will really appreciate his new blanket. 

Maybe I'm posting this in the wrong section since this is not the pet loss section, but he is still with me and I know he and I will keep fighting to keep him here until it is time for him to join his older brother, and two older sisters at the meadows. 

I just wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff. I'm lonely. I still haven't dated since the last a**hole I went out with, not much has changed. My brother decided to move 4 hours away once covid started. I work nights and live alone. So here I am. 

Thank you @kaycfor all your help in the past. I hope you are well. And happy holidays to everyone here despite how difficult they may be for us. 

 

EDIT: Wanted to add a picture of Nile, it's a little before/after image I made of him. The top left is him at 4 weeks old on the day I got him in 2007, and the bottom is him from 2020. He's soft, just all soft - physically and personality-wise 

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Novi said:

I still haven't dated since the last a**hole I went out with, not much has changed.

Okay, this brought me a laugh, I spit my coffee out!  A frank way of putting some of my experience. 

I am so sorry for the loss of your kitties, life just seems to get harder the older we get, some are in the bahamas and on cruises, nope, not my life!  To say the world's craziness is a vast understatement of today!  I'm sorry for all you have been through and are now.

I lost my Arlie and Kitty...Arlie to cancer over two years ago (he was my life!) and Kitty's kidneys and liver shut down, that was just a few months after losing Arlie.  To show you how much of a pet lover I am, I'll share these links...
And here's for your pets...

I've found it helps to write their stories...it immortalizes them so they're never forgotten, and they were both very unique loved members of my family and my heart.  I still have Arlie's coat hanging on my chair, a treasure trove of things in my bedroom (lock of fur, paw print, etc.) his collar/leash hanging by my door, retired now.  I painted some rocks for him and keep by his pen/doghouse.  (I made them for his grave but weather dictated I move them).
I've found it also helps to process our grief, it's very hard to get used to this, their absence a stark reminder of what we're missing.  I've also found that one loss can trigger another painful loss, such as Arlie's of my husband's death 16 1/2 years ago.  While it's important to grieve each one separately, it can also seem a heap of jumbled grief all piled on, inside of us.  Your kitty's very beautiful and I'm sure your heart feels much as mine does.

[Novi]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Okay, this brought me a laugh, I spit my coffee out!  A frank way of putting some of my experience. 

I have a way with words, I know! 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I am so sorry for the loss of your kitties, life just seems to get harder the older we get, some are in the bahamas and on cruises, nope, not my life!  To say the world's craziness is a vast understatement of today!  I'm sorry for all you have been through and are now.

I lost my Arlie and Kitty...Arlie to cancer over two years ago (he was my life!) and Kitty's kidneys and liver shut down, that was just a few months after losing Arlie.  To show you how much of a pet lover I am, I'll share these links...
And here's for your pets...

I've found it helps to write their stories...it immortalizes them so they're never forgotten, and they were both very unique loved members of my family and my heart.  I still have Arlie's coat hanging on my chair, a treasure trove of things in my bedroom (lock of fur, paw print, etc.) his collar/leash hanging by my door, retired now.  I painted some rocks for him and keep by his pen/doghouse.  (I made them for his grave but weather dictated I move them).
I've found it also helps to process our grief, it's very hard to get used to this, their absence a stark reminder of what we're missing.  I've also found that one loss can trigger another painful loss, such as Arlie's of my husband's death 16 1/2 years ago.  While it's important to grieve each one separately, it can also seem a heap of jumbled grief all piled on, inside of us.  Your kitty's very beautiful and I'm sure your heart feels much as mine does.

Thank you. It really has been trying for me. I really feel defeated at this point. Just when I start to pick up the pieces something else bad happens. Maybe defeated isn't the right word either, because I haven't given up. I just don't want to fight the pain and stay angry anymore. It's an impossible fight. I just have to go with it. 
I re-read this entire thread and you are right when you said to live in the moment and not in the past; my brother told me that same thing just last week and for some reason it really sunk in this time. And not just being in the moment instead of dwelling in the past, but the future too. It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about what might happen. I can't keep doing that to myself. 

My brother recommended the book "The Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz, so along with the heated blanket for Nile, I ordered a copy of it on Amazon. A gift for him and a gift for me. I'm heating up his blanket as I type this, in a few minutes I will get to see if he likes it. 

Arlie was a beautiful dog! I just finished reading your blog on this site, I love the way you shared those stories. You had me both laughing and crying throughout, I needed to do both this morning so thank you for sharing. And a 25 year old cat is an amazing feat! Kitty was a tough cookie so it's no wonder she lived for so long. I only wish one of mine would live that long but I will remember what you said and remind myself that "everyday day with Nile is a good day" because that is so true and instead of focusing on the negative (or the inevitable future) I need to focus on being here and now for him.

He's a very affectionate cat, I come home from work and the first thing I do is pick him up and say "hello" and he will lick my nose a few times, which I call my daily "hello kisses." He's amazing and I'm lucky that I took him for that checkup last month because if I hadn't, who knows how long until he started showing signs of illness. Bringing him in that day most likely bought me more time with him.

The way you brought home Arlie from the shelter was a bit like the way I met Beck. I walked into the room, looked at a few cats and then I saw him in the back and I knew he was the one. Beck knew it too. We had such a close bond, one I don't believe I will ever have again in my lifetime. Each bond is unique with each pet of course, but Beck was on a different level. I hadn't even taken him out of the enclosure he was in, I grabbed the adoption form and took it to the front and said "I want this cat." I remember the lady looked at me funny and asked if I at least wanted to hold him first. I said yes, but I knew it wouldn't change anything. And it didn't. He was my soulmate and I knew the moment I laid my eyes on him. 

I don't have a blog but I did write a story about Sphinx and her journey to the Meadows. I will share it in the pet loss section. It was a very therapeutic thing for me to write. 

I'm glad too that I've been browsing the forum a little more this time, because between you and one other thread I found about about giving vaccinations to older cats. I had never heard of that being dangerous before. I will keep that in mind next time I adopt an older animal, if there is a next time. And once again, thank you for your reply. It is very much appreciated. 

 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Novi said:

It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about what might happen.

I learned to take one day at a time when my husband died 16 1/2 years ago, five days after his 51st birthday.  We met in our 40s and it was a shock!  I have anxiety anyway, this drove it through the roof!  I only knew I couldn't think about living 40 years without him (my family lives into their 90s).  I'll be 70 next year and I definitely don't want to think about what is or could come.  They say most of what we worry about never materializes anyway, so that's energy wasted on bad vibes for nothing.
I want to post an article I wrote about six years ago, it was with loss of spouse in mind, but loss is loss, grief is grief, so I utilize it with other grief as well, some of it I've applied to life in general. It's an ever evolving journey so even if something doesn't resonate right now, it may later on down the road.  BTW, your Kitties are beautiful.  I'm glad you liked their stories...I'm off to read Sphinx' story!

.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Novi]

51 is very young. My dad died at 52. So much time left to live and experience life. What a shame.

I suffer from anxiety too, and following my mother's death it definitely skyrocketed. I've never had such intense, debilitating panic attacks as I did for a few years after she passed away. Sleep paralysis and night terrors too. 

Did you ever have dreams about your husband right after he died? Like, just normal dreams of everyday life? That happened to me after mom died and it was so painful for me because I would wake up and realize she was still gone, in a way it was like grieving her over again, or sometimes I would get confused and think her cancer and death was just a dream and that she was still alive. I can understand why people go crazy in bereavement. 

Your article is wonderful, thanks for sharing. It stands true for all losses and not just spouses as you said. It's just too bad some points have become a little more difficult now due to the current state of things (like going out, since where I reside we are very limited.)
I've thought about volunteering but if I did it would have to have something to do with animals. Maybe once Nile makes his journey home to his older siblings, I will foster some senior kitties. But for now he's my main focus.

[kayc]

I know, these times are the hardest because of isolation.  I love animals too, but nowhere to volunteer with them for nearly two hours away.  I am here every day and another group, also help manage two diabetic groups, between those and my puppy and taking care of this place by myself I keep busy/to a schedule, that helps.

7 hours ago, Novi said:

Maybe once Nile makes his journey home to his older siblings, I will foster some senior kitties. But for now he's my main focus.

I totally get it.  It helps to write our feelings out, what we're going through, helps process our grief.  After losing my husband, I lost my mom and sister, my beloved pets, friends, I'd already lost my dad, niece, nephew and MIL.  It seems it's part of life at this age...

I had to look up "ohana", thanks!

[kayc]

Grief Process

[Novi]

18 hours ago, kayc said:

I know, these times are the hardest because of isolation.  I love animals too, but nowhere to volunteer with them for nearly two hours away.  I am here every day and another group, also help manage two diabetic groups, between those and my puppy and taking care of this place by myself I keep busy/to a schedule, that helps.I totally get it.  It helps to write our feelings out, what we're going through, helps process our grief. 

It does help a lot. Part of the reason I decided to do a journal for Nile is so that I can also track everything that is happening if I need to go back on it, instead of relying on memory. I want to be able to see for myself if I'm acting in denial of his condition, and if there are still more good days then bad. When Beck died I was a mess the whole time he was sick, and I didn't go through any of his things for a few months. When I finally did, I was sickened by the amount of medication I had for him. Different meds for different ailments, all prescribed up until the day prior to his death. The day before he died, my vet had prescribed two different medication. She HAD to know at that point that he didn't have any time left, she was just looking to make a quick buck. I wish she had been honest with me and recommended euthanasia way before Beck got so sick

Another thing I noticed too is that I am basically repeating the same habit I did when my mom was sick. I had planned to write a book, but I haven't had the courage or strength to go back and read everything. 

My mom started it, and it was her idea. She kept a journal of her progress, her appointments, how she felt, how thing were changing for her health-wise, up until the day she could no longer write it down herself. You could see her writing skills deteriorate as time went on, until her writing wasn't legible anymore. At that point I took over. I have over 50 pages of notes, all dated and very precise for which to compose a book. One day I will get that done. My brother has agreed to help. We both love to write, and we've both written books before although he is more of the non fiction type, and I wrote a horror novel.

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After losing my husband, I lost my mom and sister, my beloved pets, friends, I'd already lost my dad, niece, nephew and MIL.  It seems it's part of life at this age...

That's a lot of loss in a very short time span. I suppose it is part of life as we get older, but I also feel like some people really get the short end of the stick with it, and no time to breathe/recover in between loses. That saying, that God doesn't give you more than you can handle.. I never believe that saying because whether or not you can handle it, you don't have a choice. We don't have a choice but to figure it out.

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Novi said:

God doesn't give you more than you can handle

It's kind of a misnomer because they take it out of context, only quoting PART of it, the verse is actually referring to temptation and the part with it that they leave out is "with His help."  The truth is some people feel they have WAY more than they can handle, some commit suicide.  Another reason I hate cliches, and the last thing we need is people giving us them when we're grieving.  Even when a cliche may be true, we don't need it spouted at us.  Two weeks after someone's spouse dies they've got people telling them, "You'll find someone else!"  NO!!  They are in love with their spouse, never wanted to lose them!  At that point it's hard to imagine life without them, highly inappropriate thing to say no matter how well intended.  Good intentions can still hurt people.

5 hours ago, Novi said:

We don't have a choice but to figure it out.

You are so right.  We go on because what choice do we have!

[Novi]

20 hours ago, kayc said:

It's kind of a misnomer because they take it out of context, only quoting PART of it, the verse is actually referring to temptation and the part with it that they leave out is "with His help."  The truth is some people feel they have WAY more than they can handle, some commit suicide.

I didn't realize it was being misquoted. Makes a lot more sense knowing that second part. Maybe I am biased but I think that suicide isn't because they can't handle what life is throwing at them, but because they are too afraid to try. I think my dad gave up easily. I could be wrong tho. I've thought of suicide many times, especially during covid but I would never go through with it.

20 hours ago, kayc said:

Two weeks after someone's spouse dies they've got people telling them, "You'll find someone else!"  NO!!  They are in love with their spouse, never wanted to lose them!  At that point it's hard to imagine life without them, highly inappropriate thing to say no matter how well intended.  Good intentions can still hurt people.

Wow, that is a very insensitive thing to say. It's on par with saying to someone who just lost their dog, "Get over it and go find a new dog." It doesn't work like that!!! (Not that I'm comparing a spouse to a dog, but I'm sure you know what I mean.)

One saying that I do love is:

The road to hell is paved with good intention.

I was raised catholic but I no longer have that faith. So of course I don't believe in hell but I like the idea behind that saying. Part of my dropping the faith was because of my father's suicide and people saying that those who take their lives go to hell. It just disgusted me to hear that. I do have beliefs however, most of them seem to fall under the Buddhist way of life rather than a specific religion. I would never judge anyone for their beliefs or religion. It made me sad when churches here were closed during lockdowns. At such a chaotic time in their lives, they could not go worship. It was cruel. 

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Novi said:

Not that I'm comparing a spouse to a dog, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

Grief is grief, and while I've learned not to compare losses as it invalidates one (never appropriate), I don't take it this way as you're relating, something we all do.  (I have a bad habit of getting sidetracked with relating sometimes when I should be sticking with said person's loss.)  Actually my hardest hitting loss was of my husband 16 1/2 years ago, but when I lost Arlie, it felt like that all over again!  It was VERY hard!!!  Some people think it's because it brought up George's death all over again, but I don't think so.  Arlie and I were VERY close, when you live alone and have a close companion animal, it is that way but with him especially so because of who and how he was.  He was what I call my "soulmate in a dog."  George was my "soulmate" (in a person).  Can we have more than one?  That's I can't answer.  All I know is, Arlie was perfect for me, beautiful, sweet, intelligent, considerate, GOOFY, fun, very loving!  He was quite a puller when I first got him, just before his first birthday, and he was BIG!  He took many a man down (me too).  That first year he had a lot of learning to do, but he did it.  Then I broke my right elbow, which hurts as bad as any broken bone but they don't cast it, so it's very vulnerable, in a sling.  I was able to walk him with that and he never once pulled!  He learned to go slow on ice, he was very careful, gentle with me.  He was amazing.  I've had Kodie two years and he is still a puller, harder than Arlie ever thought of being and only 20 lbs!  But I have taught him "slippery" and "slow" so that helps.

What it seems to me that affects our level of intensity of grief is the relationship with the person/animal, daily interaction with them, are your routines involved with them, your history, the QUALITY of relationship!  Also anticipatory differs from sudden death in our processing.  But I also know, from experience, that we can't begin to prepare for their death even realizing it's going to happen, because until the finality hits, you can't know what it's really like and it hits hard all the same.

2 hours ago, Novi said:

people saying that those who take their lives go to hell.

I do believe in hell but I believe this statement is very dogmatic and inaccurate.  How can people begin to know the mind of God well enough to judge another!  They limit God in His compassion and understanding.  I lost someone I knew all his life, worked with, worked with his parents, very close to the family, he had mental issues but was seeing a psychologist...it was a Sunday...on Monday he was going to be changed to a different medication, but he felt he couldn't wait ONE MORE DAY!  Instead he shot himself, his dog next to him...his parents had to rehome the dog as his mom was allergic.  It was heartbreaking all the way around.  It was right before his sister's wedding.  His family had to get counseling.  I would not go to a church that taught that as that tells me a lot about their thinking.  I believe God takes into consideration the person's state of mind, condition, etc.  My mom had mental problems all her life, she was difficult to deal with but I believe when I see her next she will be made right.  I had a niece born without a brain, conditions happen all the time, and I don't believe it's that people don't try but maybe their best isn't our best, we're all different.  With mental problems, it's more complicated.  I tend to have pity on them, an uphill battle others little realize.  It's like they're walking around with the biggest handicap of all, yet people judge them for it.  I guess that's why I'm Baptist, I have not seen people there judge, and I've been in my church 21 years.  It wasn't that way in my previous church.  So important to find the belief system in which you believe, not just in word, but in practice. 

I'm sorry you lost your dad to suicide, that must have been tough, and likely still is.  We never know another person's shoes until we walk in it, and I can imagine yours have been hard.  (((hugs)))

 

[Novi]

On 12/14/2021 at 6:05 AM, kayc said:

Grief is grief, and while I've learned not to compare losses as it invalidates one (never appropriate), I don't take it this way as you're relating, something we all do.  (I have a bad habit of getting sidetracked with relating sometimes when I should be sticking with said person's loss.)  Actually my hardest hitting loss was of my husband 16 1/2 years ago, but when I lost Arlie, it felt like that all over again!  It was VERY hard!!!  Some people think it's because it brought up George's death all over again, but I don't think so.  Arlie and I were VERY close, when you live alone and have a close companion animal, it is that way but with him especially so because of who and how he was.  He was what I call my "soulmate in a dog."  George was my "soulmate" (in a person).  Can we have more than one?  That's I can't answer.  All I know is, Arlie was perfect for me, beautiful, sweet, intelligent, considerate, GOOFY, fun, very loving!  He was quite a puller when I first got him, just before his first birthday, and he was BIG!  He took many a man down (me too).  That first year he had a lot of learning to do, but he did it.  Then I broke my right elbow, which hurts as bad as any broken bone but they don't cast it, so it's very vulnerable, in a sling.  I was able to walk him with that and he never once pulled!  He learned to go slow on ice, he was very careful, gentle with me.  He was amazing.  I've had Kodie two years and he is still a puller, harder than Arlie ever thought of being and only 20 lbs!  But I have taught him "slippery" and "slow" so that helps.

What it seems to me that affects our level of intensity of grief is the relationship with the person/animal, daily interaction with them, are your routines involved with them, your history, the QUALITY of relationship!  Also anticipatory differs from sudden death in our processing.  But I also know, from experience, that we can't begin to prepare for their death even realizing it's going to happen, because until the finality hits, you can't know what it's really like and it hits hard all the same.

I just don't like to offend anyone by making any comparisons, it's not intentional because I see our pets as our equals. I've been laughed at for saying that, but I don't care, it's truly how I feel. When Beck passed away I had someone say that, not in a mean way, but they sad that my grief was "compounded" with the loss of my mom. I don't think so either. Beck was my soulmate and I know that. There is no bond that can replace that which you have with a soulmate. Can you have more than one? That is a very good question actually. I don't see why not. I love my other cats very much but the bond isn't the same. Beck understood me somehow, he knew when I was sad. He was always there for me after my mom died. I guess if anything his death was made harder because I didn't have a lot of support when he passed away. 
And yes, the intensity of grief is definitely related to the relationship you had with the deceased. It would be unfair to say that my mother's death was harder on me than Beck's death because it wasn't, they were both very hard. I was really close to my mom but I didn't see her everyday. I saw her almost every week though, Friday night were pizza and wine night for us. I miss those nights. We would make homemade pizza too. I have a lot of good memories to hold on to and keep me going. 
I grieve the loss of Beck, Sphinx and Cleo constantly. I still cry a lot. With mom it's different. Like for example on another forum I'm on someone started a thread about how homemade pumpkin pie is so much better than store bought, or the filling you get in a can. My mom made the best homemade pies. When we were kids we would decorate pumpkins the day before Halloween, and then right when Halloween was over she would chop them up and make pies before the pumpkins had a chance to go bad. But when I read that thread on the forum, it was almost like someone had punched me hard in the gut and I was stunted for a good solid minute before I started to cry uncontrollably. That doesn't happen with Beck. I just think of him often, and sometimes I will let myself cry for a moment. 

 

On 12/14/2021 at 6:05 AM, kayc said:

I do believe in hell but I believe this statement is very dogmatic and inaccurate.  How can people begin to know the mind of God well enough to judge another!  They limit God in His compassion and understanding.  I lost someone I knew all his life, worked with, worked with his parents, very close to the family, he had mental issues but was seeing a psychologist...it was a Sunday...on Monday he was going to be changed to a different medication, but he felt he couldn't wait ONE MORE DAY!  Instead he shot himself, his dog next to him...his parents had to rehome the dog as his mom was allergic.  It was heartbreaking all the way around.  It was right before his sister's wedding.  His family had to get counseling.  I would not go to a church that taught that as that tells me a lot about their thinking.  I believe God takes into consideration the person's state of mind, condition, etc.  My mom had mental problems all her life, she was difficult to deal with but I believe when I see her next she will be made right.  I had a niece born without a brain, conditions happen all the time, and I don't believe it's that people don't try but maybe their best isn't our best, we're all different.  With mental problems, it's more complicated.  I tend to have pity on them, an uphill battle others little realize.  It's like they're walking around with the biggest handicap of all, yet people judge them for it.  I guess that's why I'm Baptist, I have not seen people there judge, and I've been in my church 21 years.  It wasn't that way in my previous church.  So important to find the belief system in which you believe, not just in word, but in practice. 

I'm sorry you lost your dad to suicide, that must have been tough, and likely still is.  We never know another person's shoes until we walk in it, and I can imagine yours have been hard.  (((hugs)))

Suicide is a strange thing... it is a selfish act but it is also selfish of people to force others to keep living when they don't want to. I imagine to take your own life you would have to be suffering a lot. I don't remember the days leading up to my father's death. I was a confused teen, I had just moved back in after an altercation with him months prior where he kicked me out. I had lived on friends couches the whole time, and I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I just remember waking up to my sister's screams and I went to the garage where she and I tried to revive him. After that everything is a blur. I still don't remember much. One day I will need to deal with that loss, I know I haven't and it might come back to bite me in the ass. I went from being angry at him, to forgiving him but feeling nothing. I still feel nothing, nor do I cry over his death. I cried at his funeral and that was the first and only time I did. 

But I don't believe he went to hell. He was a good man, and he meant well. He was sick and that illness is what killed him. Even though my mom left him on her deathbed she told me she never stopped loving him but that he was just very difficult to be with. She wasn't wrong. 

Thank you. It has been tough but it's also made me humble and strong.  (((hugs)))

[kayc]

23 hours ago, Novi said:

I see our pets as our equals.

I tend to elevate them as better than human, because I personally feel they are!  Think of the worst thing they've ever done...dig? eaten something they shouldn't?  You don't see them out doing the things people do...they study us, they're so loyal and loving!  They're always there for us!  Ready to comfort us at a moment's notice.  They drop everything to come to our aid!  I have a neighbor who treats them second class, I don't think he understands them like I do...his loss...and his dog's.   I give her love/attention/treats every day.

23 hours ago, Novi said:

they sad that my grief was "compounded" with the loss of my mom. I don't think so either. Beck was my soulmate and I know that.

OMG, this could be written by ME!!!  I had people that thought that when my Arlie died (I always called him my "soulmate in a dog."  They thought it triggered memories of losing my husband, no, but it felt very similar to when I lost him.  Only difference being I was in shock when I got the untreatable cancer diagnosis, I wasn't caught off guard by sudden death but yet it felt all too sudden as there was no way to process it in 2 months ten days, and it still slammed me even though I knew ahead of time I'd have him euthanized to spare him further suffering, he'd suffered enough.

Every relationship is different, I felt George was my soulmate (human) but Arlie was too (dog), I knew Arlie longer, lived with him longer, he never hurt me, never let me down.  You know how people say XXXX was my "person."  Well Arlie was my dog.

23 hours ago, Novi said:

his death was made harder because I didn't have a lot of support when he passed away. 

Exactly, I felt support from those who knew me, my church was praying for Arlie and I, they sent me the most beautiful card, I will keep it always, it shows a girl with her arms around a huge dog (Arlie was very big!).  All the cards people sent I've kept.

23 hours ago, Novi said:

But I don't believe he went to hell. He was a good man, and he meant well. He was sick and that illness is what killed him. Even though my mom left him on her deathbed she told me she never stopped loving him but that he was just very difficult to be with. She wasn't wrong. 

I totally get this, all of it, agree and understand.    It must have been horrible for you girls to find him like that.  

Do you have problems with that moment haunting you?  If you do, you might find a therapist who does EFT or EMDR.

EFT
EFT in Grief
EMDR
Psychology Tools, CBT, EMDR

[Novi]

On 12/17/2021 at 6:46 AM, kayc said:

I tend to elevate them as better than human, because I personally feel they are!  Think of the worst thing they've ever done...dig? eaten something they shouldn't?  You don't see them out doing the things people do...they study us, they're so loyal and loving!  They're always there for us!  Ready to comfort us at a moment's notice.  They drop everything to come to our aid!  I have a neighbor who treats them second class, I don't think he understands them like I do...his loss...and his dog's.   I give her love/attention/treats every day.

I agree with this, they are better than most people for sure. My sister has always seen them as accessories, she had a dog about 15 years ago and the poor thing was so mistreated. She didn't realize how much work they were and after awhile I suppose the novelty wore off. She abandoned the dog (the dog's name was Dakota) and I took Dakota in for awhile and then rehomed her. I sincerely hope she had a good life because she deserved nothing but the best. I cried on the drive home after dropping her off to her new owners and to this day I still feel guilt about giving her away, but at that time in my life I wasn't ready for the responsibility of a dog. It just wouldn't have been fair to Dakota.

 

On 12/17/2021 at 6:46 AM, kayc said:

OMG, this could be written by ME!!!  I had people that thought that when my Arlie died (I always called him my "soulmate in a dog."  They thought it triggered memories of losing my husband, no, but it felt very similar to when I lost him.

Why do people think this? Does it make it easier for them? "Oh it's okay, you're just feeling the pain of losing your mom again."  NO!! I'm feeling a new pain, I'm grieving for someone else!!! It's almost like because you've suffered one loss that the rest should be a walk in the park. It doesn't work like that.

 

On 12/17/2021 at 6:46 AM, kayc said:

Do you have problems with that moment haunting you?  If you do, you might find a therapist who does EFT or EMDR.

I might.. I'm not sure. I just don't remember much other than my sister's screams waking me up in the middle of the night. Last year I had a counselor that introduced me to EMDR therapy. I was very interested in trying it. We started but never finished because the counselor kept canceling my appointments at the last minute and because we were starting to bring up repressed memories, I felt it was too difficult to continue with the amount of time left between sessions due to all the cancellations. It felt like she would rip off the scab and leave me bleeding. I've lost faith in therapy, I've had far more negative experiences than good. 

 

If I don't come back online before, I wish you a very merry Christmas. Thank you for all the support/responses. They help a lot. 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Novi said:

Why do people think this? Does it make it easier for them? "Oh it's okay, you're just feeling the pain of losing your mom again."  NO!! I'm feeling a new pain, I'm grieving for someone else!!!

I think it's because people fail to recognize how close we can be to our dog (or cat or whatever we have) it's often called disenfranchised grief for that reason.  
Disenfranchised Grief of Romantic and Pet Loss

6 hours ago, Novi said:

If I don't come back online before, I wish you a very merry Christmas.

And to you also!  I live alone in the mountains, nearing 70 and we're supposed to get five ft of snow this week so if I disappear for a while it's because of no internet/elec/water, etc.  It's hard surviving when it's like this.  All Christmas plans are canceled, I missed my granddaughter's ballet (Nutcracker) and piano recital. 

I hope you are warm and safe!

[Ruby]

Wishing everybody peace, healing, and hope…

[Novi]

22 hours ago, kayc said:

I think it's because people fail to recognize how close we can be to our dog (or cat or whatever we have) it's often called disenfranchised grief for that reason.  
Disenfranchised Grief of Romantic and Pet Loss

I didn't know there was a name for it (there's a name for everything, I shouldn't be surprised!) Thanks for sharing.

22 hours ago, kayc said:

I think it's because people fail to recognize how close we can be to our dog (or cat or whatever we have) it's often called disenfranchised grief for that reason.  
Disenfranchised Grief of Romantic and Pet Loss

And to you also!  I live alone in the mountains, nearing 70 and we're supposed to get five ft of snow this week so if I disappear for a while it's because of no internet/elec/water, etc.  It's hard surviving when it's like this.  All Christmas plans are canceled, I missed my granddaughter's ballet (Nutcracker) and piano recital. 

I hope you are warm and safe!

I'm sorry to hear you missed out because of the weather. Holidays can be so difficult without additional help. I had decided to go on a trip to visit my brother, but the rental company called to say they didn't have my rental anymore. It's okay tho because I had a bad feeling, both because of the stress it would have on Nile, and also because the roads are so bad. I might plan a trip in the spring instead, I think. 

16 hours ago, Ruby said:

Wishing everybody peace, healing, and hope…

Thanks, you as well.