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Novi

Rotten, Mouldy, Holiday Sandwich

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I haven't been here in a very long time. I joined in November of 2011, the day before my mom succumbed to cancer. I suffer from depression (actually was finally diagnosed for Bipolar disorder in 2016) and I'm currently going through a medication change so I've been feeling a little less than mentally sound lately. Much like the last time I just searched the internet for grief support, and I found myself here again. It was really emotional to read my posts from 8 years ago. Grief does things to you. When you lose someone you change and you are never the same person again. My depression/bipolar came from my father's side, he passed away from suicide in January of 1998.

Needless to say, December and it's holidays are the rotten meat in between the mouldy bread slices called November and January.

In the last eight years things have been very challenging. Other events happened that I know have prevented me from grieving the death of my mother properly. In 2012 I took a chance and moved to a new province, I wanted a fresh start. I even kept my job as they had an office in the city I was moving to. I really thought things would get better, but then in 2013 I met a man and he destroyed my trust and my ability to have any healthy relationships. (I haven't dated since). Shortly before he showed his true colours, I had managed to find a very good grief counselor, which is rare in my opinion - not because of skill, but because you have to "click" with any therapist. It was through a hospice and the therapy was even free of charge. Only catch is that it was only 5 sessions.

I spent those 5 sessions talking about the emotionally destroyed situation that "man" had left me in. I still need help with that situation because I still suffer emotionally. I hate to admit it but I'm stuck in frozen grief over what happened. Of all the things I've been through and that is what broke me. I moved back home in late 2014 and was laid off from my job in January of 2016. My friend Beck (who I will talk about in the pet loss section) passed away from cancer in February of this year. He was my constant for 16 years and the pain of losing him was on par with losing my mom.

I'm hoping that 2020 and a brand new decade will bring me some good news. I could really use a break.

I guess this is my way of saying hello (again) to everyone here. I hope you all have pleasant holidays despite the pain you are all dealing with.

~Novi

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Novi,

I'm sorry you had the bad experience with a man...in all my relationships I've only had one who truly loved me and he died 14 1/2 years ago.  I hope you can learn to be cautious but open and if/when you do meet someone of interest, proceed slowly and pay attention if there are any red flags.  Therapy can be invaluable as it can help you explore and learn about what allowed you into this situation so it doesn't repeat.

I'm sorry for your loss of a long time friend.  I've lost many friends and family members and yet the two that have hit me the hardest were my husband and my dog (four months ago today).  The loss of any close relationship does indeed change us and leave those empty holes in our heart. 

Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace and wishes for some brightness in your future, we could all use that.

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Hi Kayc and thank you for your response. I'm sorry about the loss of your husband. You are lucky too because you got to experience what love is like even though the more you love someone, the more it hurts when they pass away.

I still cling to the hope that maybe someday that will happen for me too. I still can't bring myself to date however, I think it will be a long time before I let someone get close to me again. 

 

I've once again been visited by grief. My cat Sphinx was diagnosed with leukemia earlier this year and passed away on May 28th. I'm still reeling from the pain of losing her especially so soon after losing Beck. At her age I thought she would live to be as old as Beck. It isn't fair. But I get that life isn't fair of course, it is what it is. I think the hardest part was dealing with her sickness, the back and forth to the vets and the euthanasia through covid curbside service. It was awful. But she gave me 13 wonderful years, there is always a positive side. 

 

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I'm sorry to hear about your cat.  My beloved soulmate in a dog, Arlie, passed from cancer Aug. 16 and then Jan. 6 my 25 year old cat, Kitty, passed, she had liver & kidney failure.  It is very hard learning tto adjust without them being here.  With Arlie it hurt just like when I lost my husband 15 years ago, it killed me.

Before Christmas my son brought me a Klee Kai, conceived when Arlie died, born on my birthday.  The name that popped into my head was Kodie.  I didn't know the breeder had given him a name, Kobie and when my son was bringing him to me, he stopped and got a tag made, accidentally put in Kodie...the name that popped into my head when I first saw his picture!  So Kodie it is.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  He doesn't replace Arlie, but he keeps me company and keeps me busy and is very sweet and loving and adorable.

I've learned in these last 15 years of grief to appreciate what IS and look for and embrace whatever good there is.  I too hope you will have that love someday.  Not sure what's in my future as I try to stay in today and no one knows for sure.  ;)

 

 

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I don't know where to turn to anymore. I'm not living, I'm surviving. I am never happy. Ever since Beck died last year I've cut anyone out of my life that has wronged me, even over the smallest things. I don't know if it's good or bad. But every time I lose someone I become more reclusive. Over the years friends have always made me come to them, and I don't want to do it anymore. Why can't they come to me? Why does it always have to be a one sided effort? I don't want to do it anymore, I feel like I am worth some effort at least.

Because I don't put in the one sided effort anymore I'm always alone... but I was alone before, wasn't I?
I've always grieved alone. Grief is my companion. Whenever I start to see light he comes back and wraps his arms around me in a dark caress. 

I don't apologize anymore, I use to apologize all the time, even when things weren't my fault. I refuse to apologize now even when they are. I don't like the person I am becoming. But I'm not living, I'm just surviving anyways, so it I guess it really doesn't matter anymore. 

I found a therapist earlier in the year, but in a span of two months she has cancelled 4 appointments. It was killing me - we were doing EMDR therapy. She would open my wounds then leave me bleeding for weeks in between sessions. I found myself in such a dark place while seeing her that I finally cancelled the rest of my appointments. I feel like everywhere I turn I hit a wall. Why even try? I wish I could embrace the beauty in the world but I just don't see it.

The only time I see colour in this black and white world is when I drop flowers on my mother's grave. 

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I didn't have to cut out friends when my husband died, all of our friends disappeared overnight, I guess death made them uncomfortable...if it could happen to me, it could to them, they didn't want to think about it.  Or maybe because they were part of a couple they didn't want friends that weren't coupled?  IDK, I only know I would have never done this to my friends!  It showed who they were, ultimately.

It took me probably three years just to process my husband's death.  It was such a shock, so unexpected, he was still young, we thought we had many years left together before anything like this would happen!  I read a lot about grief, I was on this site daily, I read other's posts, I posted.  The articles and books on grief helped greatly.  I listened to anything Marty had to say.  It took me years more to rebuild a life I could live.  I got involved in groups where I'd have contact with others, at church, at the senior site, and eventually private groups of women.  I had happy moments.  I purposed to look for joy in every day, no matter how small...nothing too insignificant to count.  In so doing that, I didn't miss what good there was in life.  And there is.  Something as small as a stranger holding the door open for me, someone letting me merge in traffic, a phone call from my sister, unexpected money, someone smiling at me, anything!  In practicing this I began to learn the art of practicing living in the present moment and it taught me to fully appreciate what IS rather than merely what is no longer.  I learned that comparisons are real joy killers and to try not to do that.  Sometimes we do such as when we have surgery and no one is there to help us, like our spouse would have been, but then I dismiss the thought and focus on what I can do to help myself through it.

I won't say it is easy, but a determined effort, an art, if you will, that gets easier with practice.  I reach out to others, I call them, not enough to be a pest, but enough for them to know I'm thinking of them now and then.  I try to be there for others.  I don't keep score.  That's a losing proposition.  

It is perfectly okay to weed out people who are toxic.  But I think long and hard before cutting people loose.  Maybe put them on the back burner for a while, give it time for your perspective to come full circle...if the person continually irritates you or brings you down, then by all means, see them less often.  You will know when you truly need to do without that person in your life, but don't be too hasty.  It can be a lonely world out there, all the more so now in this pandemic.

12 hours ago, Novi said:

Why even try?

No one else will notice or care if you do/don't try, likely...but you will.  We try for ourselves!  We want to give ourselves the best possible chance of healthy function and interaction, and that does require effort.  Yes it sucks that we need to do that just when we feel least able to.  But maybe that's exactly the boot we need in our lethargy and grief depression.  Keep trying!  Stay positive...the only one it ultimately hurts if we do not is ourselves.

Hoping you can call someone today...for one minute, a neighbor, acquaintance, family member, long ago friend, someone.

Find joy in every day.jpg

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I noticed the same thing after my mom died. My grief was inconvenient for them. I lost a few friends during that time too, mostly because we lost touch as I didn't nave the strength to make calls, visit etc. I don't understand how people can be so cold. It was the same after my dad died too, but because it was a suicide at the time I thought that was why... also I was in high school and kids that age aren't particularly mature either... but it was a very hard thing to go through. I really don't think I've dealt with my father's death, I just sort of put it away in a neat box and it still sits there waiting to be opened. 

One of my friends lost her husband last year, they were high school sweethearts. I can't even imagine the pain of losing a spouse, I can appreciate that it took you three years to even process. I'm on this forum and a few others, I do find that posting and reading about other people's losses does help. Usually anyways. But I have bipolar disorder and when I posted that yesterday I wasn't feeling well at all. Today, I see a little more colour in the world. Tomorrow I may smile. It's a daily struggle and I hate being negative but it's exhausting to fight sometimes. My mom was always there for me with my mental illness, she knew when she was dying that I would struggle and I know it broke her heart. I try my hardest because I don't want to disappoint her. I will try another therapist soon, I think because my work benefits cover it. I just hope I can find a good one that won't rebook or cancel the appointments. 

You are right, no one will notice if I don't try. I need to work on my self worth and I have a friend (Albeit online and he lives far away) but he has been a huge help. He is always willing to listen, I am very grateful for him. 

Thank you so much for your response Kayc, I truly appreciate it. I will try and post here a little more, it's a good healthy outlet and I need (and deserve) that. 

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I'm sorry you struggle with Bipolar, that alone is enough to deal with but to be grieving on top of that?  Super difficult!

1 hour ago, Novi said:

Tomorrow I may smile.

Try to keep that in mind during your down times...you may not feel like it at the moment but if you can remember that with your head, maybe it'll help you to hang in there until tomorrow comes.

I am glad you have a friend for an outlet...some of my best friends I haven't met in person!  It's easy to share here, we tell our innermost thoughts and feelings.  And no judgment.  Some people in our "real world" don't get it.  I look forward to getting to know you a little better!

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