Got Dumped after Her Moms Passing

[Timmy9]

Good Day Folks,

I have been facing events that seem to have a rather unexplanatory course and hence I find myself puzzled, frustrated and at times..tired. I shall provide a gist of my story trying to cover most of the important aspects. Let us Name the person in question 'Gina'

Gina and I were best friends at the time her mom was diagnosed with stage 3 Lung Cancer earlier this year. She had to temporarily move to a different country for treatment and I tried as hard as possible to be there all the time. From setting alarms in wee hours of night just to check up on her, to making sure she was not bottling up and always had a go to. In a few months time, her mom got critical and I somehow knew that the end was near. 

She had come to sort some documents for her job out, and during that time she met me. She was genuinely delighted to see me. That very evening she was to depart again, and I got a call from her 10 minutes before her flight was due to take off, she confessed her love towards me adding that she couldn't find the courage to do it in person and also the fact that she had been feeling this way toward me for almost 5 months now. 

Just 2 days after this, her mom passed away. Surprisingly, that death was traumatizing even though I didn't really know her. Gina and I were in it together, I was still helping her out for the next 2 weeks and the one fine morning I receive a text telling me that my help was appreciated but she was not in a state to continue a relationship anymore. I did understand and in fact supported it saying that I would be her best friend and pull through.

She returned home a month later and began to behave in extreme ways, she would not talk to me, be rude to me. she would meet her other friends and colleagues but would turn me down if I asked to meet or talk over phone. She started to push me away to a point where she began verbally abusing me and asked me to leave her alone. I had no choice but to oblige.

for 13 days I waited in a state of shell shock. I was f****d. I do not remember how I pulled through but then on the 13th day I reached out to her again. She seemed a bit relaxed, but was still firm in her resolve to not even stay friends with me. I asked her to give it a cautious chance once again. She maintained her stance and in an instance purposefully went out of her way to hurt my sentiments during an argument. That day I finally lost my temper, I clearly stated to her that she was being a bitch and she had no right to break the friendship, and that she was shying away from her moral responsibility, it almost felt like she had used me through out the duration of her mom's illness. 

She softened after that, she then tried to feebly justify her behavior saying that 

"you were there with me for the past few months, now everytime I see you I am reminded of my mother. You are associated with that memory sadly"

She added that deep down her feelings for me were still alive and that she was sorry for doing whatever she did to me.  I asked her to take her time and think about it rationally, I let her know that I would always be willing to put all of this behind and take her back again.

 

 

Things have definitely gotten better since then, its been approximately 2 months to the fight and around 4 months since her mom left. I love that woman dearly and am willing to wait for her....I just dont know if she will ever comeback, she has shown considerable improvement but now it feels like it might go bad again..we still arent meeting a lot because of her irrational bias against me, it feels like being in a state of eternal purgatory.

 I am deeply troubled and I miss her so much. I have read a few other threads of this kind and grants me solace in knowing that I am not alone.

 

Thank you for hanging around through my delirious rant. Your input shall be greatly appreciated. 

 

 

[kayc]

I am very sorry for what you have been and are going through.  That said, there are some judgments you've made here that I'm not sure you realize.

1 hour ago, Timmy9 said:

That day I finally lost my temper, I clearly stated to her that she was being a bitch and she had no right to break the friendship, and that she was shying away from her moral responsibility, it almost felt like she had used me through out the duration of her mom's illness.

She has every "right" to break the friendship if she so desires and does not need to even offer an explanation.  You cannot control her or her decisions.

     

1 hour ago, Timmy9 said:

"you were there with me for the past few months, now everytime I see you I am reminded of my mother. You are associated with that memory sadly"

She offered this as an explanation.  That's more than a lot of us got.  Many grievers do not KNOW why they feel as they do, let alone are responding as they are.  Their heads are in a brain fog and no clarity of mind.  They often ditch their closest relationship yet can be with their friends.  Reason:  Expectation is different with a relationship and they are depleted, they have nothing to give!  

Demands on her at this point in time will surely drive her further away.

If you cannot handle it as is, that is not only reasonable, but understandable...your only option is to go your way and let her go hers.  You cannot change or control her.  Waiting around for her will surely cause you resentment towards her and destroy whatever love you think you have for her.  Have you ever heard the saying found here:   https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201505/if-you-love-something-set-it-free  

Don't know about "fate" but it's true we can't control someone.  In that sense, it can give them the chance to love us back if they will to, whereas clamping down on them is a surefire way to push them away.

I'm glad you've read some of the other threads, it helps to be able to understand that this is  a common grief response.  My question to you, is do you really want someone who will push you away when troubles come or would you prefer to have someone you can go through life by their side and work through things together?  The answer to that can help you determine if this is really the one for you.  No matter how she was before, this is how she is right now.

[Timmy9]

Dear Kayc,

You are indeed right, I did not realize what I said back then. I had given her the right over me. Anger had me in a moment and I have since apologized for my behavior. 

It does baffle me, that why do those in such adversity chose such unconventional ways to deal with it, but again as you stated none of their acts lie in our control.

As I mentioned things have been getting better of late, not distinctively but quite sparingly, yes I appreciate and am fully grateful. I needed to tell my story out somewhere and reading other threads, I felt that there exist people who will actually understand what I am going through.

The problem with walking away completely at this point is, I feel guilty that what if one day she happens to need me and I am not there? That would kill me. I say this because she has admitted time and again that she is complicated and no one understands her like I do... would it still be right on my part to leave her?

Thank you. 

P.S - I was going through another thread and someone said something about having to feel the heartbreak in order to actually get over it, I did not fully grasp what that meant, could you please shed some light in that direction?

Thanks again!

 

[kayc]

If she needs you, she knows how to reach you, but it's not in your best interest to put your life on hold for someone who may not come around.  

All grievers do not respond this way.  I lost my husband, parents, sister, countless friends, pets, niece, nephew, grandparents...I never pushed anyone away over it.  But a certain percentage of grievers do indeed have this response.  For myself, I would want someone who would go through all of life with me, as a team, not break up when something bad happens...if there's one guarantee in life, it's that death happens and so do other hard things.  Would you really want to hold your breath all the time, waiting for the other shoe to drop, as it will?  

I read on loveshack.org years ago some "rules" that made a bit of sense, it wasn't over grief, but just breakups in general...this isn't a counselor but he had a bit of wisdom in it imo.
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/250552-reconciliation-list
 

Don't plan your life guilt-based.  You are not responsible for her, you are responsible for you.  Is she worrying about how YOU are?\

You are grieving the relationship.  Part of processing that grief is allowing ourselves to sit with our pain, and yes, feel it.  Death is not the only loss we grieve.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

 

[Timmy9]

Thank You kayc,

I have been trying to keep myself busy of late and pondering over your advice. While I definitely do not want to spend my life with someone who would push me away during hard times, My heart yearns to give it more time. I go for 2 days and then end up backtracking again. 

Thank You Ma'am, your words and your personal stories have inspired me and helped me gain some clarity in my muddled thoughts. 

[kayc]

No Contact can bring clarity of mind, our emotions can get in the way of our thinking.  It's in taking a step back we glean it.  Being with the RIGHT person is the best feeling in the world...I had that with my late husband...never had it before or since him.