My partner broke up with me after her father passed away.

[Sam_z]

Hello all, 

My partner and I started dating two years ago, she was 17 and I was 23. We were friends for a while until she expressed her feelings to me and I kissed her and it all began.  Before we even start our friendship, her father had a stroke and was in a vegetation state, and knowing the difficulties that this relationship would have, I walked in with open eyes and accepted it cause I knew she is worth it. 
I should also mention, we are both international students in Sydney from the same background. After 6 months we both travelled to our home country, where we met each other's parents and made a long term arrangement. I met her dad, even though he was in a coma, I made him a promise in my heart to make her happy and take care of her. A man to man promise that nothing can break. During our relationship, she was becoming dependent on me and I never drove her away. I always tried to be there for her and support her in her work, studies and life. We don't have many close friends, except for each other, so we had to support each other. 

After we got back to Sydney, we moved into a house and started building a life around us. We were truly happy, until 4 months ago when her father passed away. I bought her tickets to travel, and took her to the airport and gave all the support she needed. When she came back, things were different. I don't mean between us, with her. She was broken. I mean she had bad times before, but it was different this time. She tried to attempt suicide twice, and I had to stop her by force, and told her mother about it. It was a hard time, and she told me I can't understand her pain and be there the way she wants me too. 

Two months after her father passed away, she told me out of nowhere that she wants to break up. She gave me many reasons such as I am 19 who wants to be in a relationship at this age, you cant emotionally support me, you are full-time employee now and not a student, I want to find Australian friends and live my life like them, and many more. Then, families and friends stepped in and talked with us and we got back together. 

We changed the house, to change the mood and came back to the dorm(separate rooms), in the hope of finding friends. One week later, she broke up with me again for the same reasons. I did my best in those two weeks that she gave me. I tried so hard, and I believe she was happy. I could say she was happy. She even told me once that she wants to have my kids when we grow up. 

After the second break up, everyone told me she has made her mind, and nothing can change that. So I respected her decision and stopped contacting her. Her mom called me and asked for some time and see what she is thinking. People keep telling me that she is happy, but I know she is not. She is the best at hiding her emotions, she has learned that since her father had the stroke. People used to call her a sad person, and that why she had to learn how to hide them and put a fake smile on. I called her and met her last Saturday, as soon as I sat down she cried. I told her I want to be there for you as a friend, cause you need one. She is having depression and keeps cancelling her therapy sessions. But she said no, I will contact you if I need. She also said to not have any hopes in our relationship and move on. Little she knows how much I love her. 

I told her that I still love you and nothing can ever change that. Now, it been a month and she hasn't even wished me a happy birthday. She is depressed, I know cause we live next to each other. I can see she is working 40 hours a week to pay her rent and life expenses. I don't know how to help her, she doesn't have any friends and doesn't let me in. Her mom is also trying to help, but as I told you she is good at hiding her feelings. 

I am a mess, and I don't know how to handle myself. I keep thinking about her every second of my life. With all this happening in her life, she still managed to get a high GPA and I am so proud of her. 

What should I do? Should I say its not my problem and move on or should I wait for her?  

[kayc]

On 12/18/2019 at 2:25 AM, Sam_z said:

But she said no, I will contact you if I need. She also said to not have any hopes in our relationship and move on.

I am sorry, I know this hurts...but this is her decision, it's not up to you to force yourself or your decisions upon her.  She is young and may not be ready for a permanent relationship, you've had many more years to become ready.  Please respect her decisions and give her space as she wants.  I know it hurts to break up, I've been there, time and again, but you can't force things.  A certain number of people respond this way in their grief.  We may not like it, understand it, agree with it, but we do have to respect their choices.

 

On 12/18/2019 at 2:25 AM, Sam_z said:

I am a mess, and I don't know how to handle myself. I keep thinking about her every second of my life.

It is best if you are in no contact to give yourself a chance to heal, build a life for yourself outside of her.  You focus on YOU and let her handle herself.  Pain is part of the process and you are processing your grief over the relationship ending right now.  Let yourself feel your pain but also spend time with family/friends and activities.  If you have no one nearby, it'll be up to you to build other friendships, join clubs, gym, church, volunteer, something to get you around other people and build relationships.  It takes time, be glad you are doing it while you are still young, when you are old it's harder because everyone already has all of their established relationships and aren't as interested.  If you want friends, you must be one.

Do not wait...life in limbo is no life at all.  Go on with your life.  She's made her decision.  Do not hope to have things back, there's nothing giving you that hope.  Read and respect the signs she's given you.

[Sam_z]

Quote

Do not wait...life in limbo is no life at all.  Go on with your life.  She's made her decision.  Do not hope to have things back, there's nothing giving you that hope.  Read and respect the signs she's given you.

I guess you are right, she has given me all the signs and has not yet contacted me. Its been 5 weeks now, and I have to focus on ME. My hope is almost gone and I dont see any signs that she wants to be in contact with me. 

I think I have to let her go, even though I don't want to. It is just hard to see someone that you sincerely care about is in pain and grieving. I wish I could know and understand what goes through her mind. How can someone that spend her last conversation with her dad about me, brakes up. 

My brain has accepted the fact that she is gone, but the heart is ... 

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Sam_z said:

How can someone...

That's what I've never figured out.  My Jim told me later on "If my mom hadn't died, things probably would have been different."  ???  His mom was in her 80s and going to die sometime, as my parents did.  I don't understand, guess I never will.  The part I do understand is they can't do a relationship while grieving.  But in the nearly ten years since, he's never tried to get me back.  Seems if you love someone...but I guess it wasn't meant to be.  And that's okay...it sure didn't feel okay at the time, it hurt like hades, but I'm okay with it in these years since.