Ex/love of my life left me after 5 years. Randomly. is it cause his dad passed away and he didn't process it?

[Lisa95]

Hi all, just want to say thank you SO MUCH in advance for all the advice and support. Please help me.  im SO sorry for how long this is- but i wanted to be as specific as possible. I am so lost right now- and I am working on accepting the loss of my relationship. But i would love other people's perspective, especially those who have experience with grief , death, and relationships. 

I also want to point out - I know i am young, i know and understand people's feelings change, people fall out of love and so on, but please help me understand more clearly what is going on here, cause I am so lost and i can't add anything up.

 

My ex ( my best friend and former lover) and I met when I was 16 and he was 19. (I am now 24 and he is 27, we dated for 5 years and it ended last month). We immedietly clicked, and became friends. (both mature for our age then). We would hook up and such, but nothing too serious. We always had amazing amount of chemistry even when we were young, and he is not your typical "guy". he has no social media, he didn't have sex just to do it, and truly just enjoys his own company - fast forward to my senior year of high school and he was a sophomore in college 20 minutes away, we started to date. He invited me to his father's house (his father had a unique illness with his liver) and was very ill. My ex always made me feel secure, loved, and respected. 

 

We started to date in October 2015. 

 

A little about me: i am very outgoing, i love building Friendships  with people, i am emotional (in a sense of like, I talk about my feelings, and I am very rational about things and always put myself in other people's "shoes." When I love, I love deep. I give my all, but I am also a very independent person. don't get me wrong, I can be needy (cant we all? haha) and i love affection, but I am a very understanding person who never nags people, and is accepting. yes i could be moody sometimes too and had my days, but i had butterflies every time i saw him. everyday. 

 

A little about my ex- he is an introvert, no social media, loves his own company, but was so loving with me and let down all his walls. He is a loner at heart at my opinion, he loves to be alone (he has his strong group of 4-6 friends) but he just isn't a guy who is constantly texting people or going out n so on. He likes to work and do yard work and relax, and go to dinner w his friends a couple nights a week. His parents had a rough divorce when he was 13.  his dad got sick, and his mother is a very...."hard" woman. She is kind and pleasant and i miss her, just she just shows her affection in different ways. People and parents show love in different ways, and I feel like his mother showed her love differently. Differently than how I was raised i guess. Sorry if that sounds confusing. My ex and I are opposites, but we have always loved that about each other  and we have helped each other grow so much. 

 

I went to college for 3 years 5 hours away, graduated early and moved home while searching for work about an hour away/possible internships in new jersey. (i am currently working in retail) We always saw eachother while i was at school. we broke up once for a week my freshman year, and that was it. 4.5 years later, no break ups, no cheating, no lies, no major fights. NOTHING. No relationship is perfect! Yes we got annoyed sometimes, but we never had arguments. We have known eachother for 8 years, so we just knew eachother so well and how to treat one another. We have this passion for one another, not just sexually, but we just like, completed each other? At least that is how I felt. We had this magnetic connection (i know that sounds so annoying and I know I am only 24, but the feelings we had were just so intense). 

 

Okay, so. His father passed away unexpectedly last October. He went in for a surgery on his liver, had a heart attack, and was on life support for a week. I was there every day, I was there when he passed away. My ex took care of his father, bathed him, fed him, loved him deeply and never complained once  for the 4 years they lived in the same house together.  When he passed away, my ex was very sad and cried here and there, but started to work on his sisters house right away and that was it. He never seemed depressed (i knew he was hurting but he was not acting in a way that concerned me or affected our relationship). I just figured, okay, he lost his father which is devastating, but he is working hard as always and i'm just gonna let him do his thing. He never talked about it, and it didn't cause any strain on us. I went back to school, everything was normal, and so on. 

 

Side note - my ex has always said he didn't want to get married. He told me 5 years ago. It didn't bother me, as we both don't want children (his sister has 3 kids that's enough for him lol). I always told him, marriage is great and all but i don't need it to make me feel and believe that you love me and will be loyal. He always said we'd be together forever. (I always thought this was a thing cause of what he maybe witnessed during his parents divorce? I honestly never asked too much about it.) Anyways, the marriage thing never bothered me. I truly believed him when he called us family, and said we'd be together, forever. 

 

 

So when I moved home (i am looking for work an hour away and he knows i have always wanted to work in the city/explore since there is no work for me in our city, but he was always supportive) I had an interview for an internship in a different state- i knew i wasn't going to get it but i of course spoke with him about it and I was freaking out and scared thinking way to far ahead , and he was so supportive, he said "i have always known u have wanted this, so of course i want to be with u if u have to be away again, or i wouldn't have been with you so long". anyways, didn't get the internship, so i told him I am sticking to looking in a city an hour away. I made it clear i wasn't compromising, I just didn't want to move far away after being home for 4 months and realizing i didn't want to be away from him again. That was the end of that convo - it never caused a strain or anything. I made it clear I was no longer looking states away, and that was that. No emotional convo or anything. i live with my parents 10 minutes away from his house. 

 

1 month before the breakup, my ex has me pick what color to paint his house. (what color I want it to be). TWO WEEKS BEFORE- He comes home and shows me what he bought me for his kitchen (for me!) like, permanent items for the wall that he thought I would love.  This was weeks before he left me. 

 

Now we are at 2 months ago. (ONE week before his father's one year, one week before he left me, and my ex has been acting totally normal/no signs of anything). It was just past our 5 years. I have been home for almost 7 months, and me and my ex have not had one day where there was a fight. Nothing. The week before the breakup- he is asking me to come over (as usual), making me dinner, and being his same amazing loving  self. Us just being Us. No red flags. Nothing, and i have known this person for 8 years, i KNOW when something is wrong or off, you know? like, we KNOW when our lover is having an off day, or they are annoyed, and so on. There was nothing. No lack of interest, no lack of sex, nothing but laughs, kisses, and everything being normal and "perfect".

 

 5 days before the breakup, he asked me if i worked that day. I said yes. he said damn it. (so he wanted to hang out). 3 days before the breakup, i am laying in bed. He comes home from work, runs in the room kind of laughing, gets on one knee (i know what's coming and i know he's messing around) and he puts a crappy ring on my finger and says in a joking voice "will you marry me". it was just a joke since he found  ring and we laughed and that was it.  THIS WAS 3 DAYS BEFORE HE LEFT ME! 2 days before, an amazing night, great, loving sex, laid in bed, and had dinner. 1 night before. he told me we were going to put up an xmas tree that week. THAT WEEK! normal, went to dinner with friends, he was so normal but got kind of quiet at dinner. i didn't think much of it.  (he told me i was too loud at one point, i can be loud lol) and that was it. We came home, I left and went home to my parents to go to bed. Normal night. NOTHING "BAD" HAPPENED.

 

The breakup- 

 

The day of the breakup- I come over and he's out at the store. He comes home, i get up, go to the living room where he is fixing the paint, we kiss, and i go back to the room. (not a super passionate kiss, just a normal like, hey how's it going kiss).  2 hours later, he comes home from working at his uncles house putting lights up, and he looks pale and terrified. 

 

He sits on the bed and says calmly , "we need to break up, I am not happy, I have been thinking about it, and I want to be alone. I want to be alone"  I don't even cry right away- I am in shock. I am like, what? How? why? he said he doesn't love me as much as i love him. I start to cry, he starts to cry, I am just saying your typical "what did i do" he said i didn't do anything. i say, "You don't love me?" he says, "i do, but not as much. I want to be alone."  I said, do you need to be with other people? I know we are young but is that what you need? (i knew it wasn't that) I do not scream or anything, not an awful break up or whatever.  he says. no, it's not about anyone else, "i just want to be alone and not in a relationship". i cry. we hug. i leave.  If you would have asked me 1 minute before he came home "are you guys gonna be together forever?" i would have said yes. And i am not a delusional hopeless romantic, lol. 

 

So, the next day i ask to bring over some stuff and he says yes. We stand in his kitchen and I am very calm and I talk for like 15 minutes. I just said like. i love you, im so sorry for whatever i did (i would 100000% admit if i did anything, or changed, or anything for this to happen! i ALWAYS admit my faults!) he told me all he wants is to be alone. i said we are family and i want him and only him, then I left. Then, I write him an 8 page letter (i know, i know) telling him i was sorry for whatever i did, I am praying for him, and IF and WHEN he decides to be with me again, to let me know. He texts me and says thanks for the letter. that was it. I said your welcome.  I didn't expect more, and I was not mad at him at ALL. I just wanted him to have it.  I wrote nothing about his father, BUT i did say "i know this is a difficult time for you". i didn't want to totally bring up the loss cause i was scared, maybe it has nothing to do w his father? 

 

2 weeks goes by, i crack and i text him to talk. I did not call or text him once. (i know it would not help anything AND since then, I have not heard from him or spoke to him in a month, i am so confused and i miss my best friend and lover  but i said everything i needed to say so the "ball is in his court" now i guess if he ever wants to talk to me or something?  ). what would me texting him and saying "miss you" do? absolutely nothing.  For the 2 weeks we didn't speak, i replayed every moment in my head to search for signs and answers. NOTHING. I started to take notes of what i wanted to say to him when i saw him again, since it could 100% be the last time i ever see my best friend and love of my life ever again. i KNEW i had to be calm, collected, and not make him feel worse. and i didn't want to make him feel bad. He hurt me yes, but i know he didn't mean to i guess. and i want him to be happy and healthy. He did not want to talk, but i texted him "please i need this to move on", and that i would not reach out again. He agreed to talk to me.

 

when we met, i first apologized for essentially pressuring him to meet with me (he said no at first (i knew he wouldn't want to cause he is NOT confrontational/doesn't talk about his feelings). He said it was okay. I asked him how he was, he said shitty. (i figured cause of us and his dad). I was very calm, did my makeup (tried not to look like i was dying inside lol) and my voice was shaking, but i was staying so strong. 

 

Also. side note. i never mentioned his father's one year to him. I was scared it would trigger something or make him mad at me? I didn't want him to think " oh she's telling me i'm leaving her cause i'm sad or something?" so i didn't. it wasn't my place i guess. 

 

I said, PLEASE. Just be honest. Nothing you say will hurt me. What made you lose interest in me and our love? he said, "you didn't do anything, i want to be alone." i said, you just want to be alone? you don't want me? and he said yes. he said, he just FEELS like he wants to be alone more. I told him "i know i have had different ideas of where i have wanted to work n be, but since graduation i have realized i want to remain close and i envision my life with you. I ALWAYS have seen my life with you even when i thought i'd work somewhere else for a year, you're a constant in my life and i want to continue to grow with you"

 

HE said. "you envision your life WITH ME like that, i envision my life, going to work and coming home to NO ONE" 

i couldn't believe it. My heart shattered. You want to be alone, forever? what did i do to make him feel that way??? we were SO NORMAL the night before!!!  we were in my car for about 40 minutes and yes, i did most of the talking. Just saying that I respect him and his decision, but that i love him and i will work on myself and hope to be with him again. I said i know i can be clingy, and that i will work on myself and that. I said "be honest with me, when and if you get through this, do you see us together again since nothing was rocky, we had such a stable, loving, fun, happy, healthy relationship for 5 years?" and he said "i don't know, all i know is i want to be alone."    I believe him. i KNOW he would have said no to me in that moment if he truly knew he didn't want me. 

 

I needed a tiny bit of something so I could sleep at night. this is why i had messaged him to meet two weeks after. I was so confused, abandoned, and felt so small. what did i do? All i kept thinking was, "oh, he told me i was loud the night before, so he left me cause i'm loud? did he leave me cause he thinks i'll leave him for a job when i TOLD HIM i would not and he KNOWS he would never hold me back?" like i can promise you, he knew i wasn't going anywhere. And he knew how happy i was with him here.  he literally abandoned me and i felt/FEEL so lost, broken, and confused. I know I am not the only person in the world who has felt this way, but there was NOTHING i could find to make sense of this - only the fact that MAYBE he is having an "emotional breakdown" about his father? or he's depressed and will not tell me or his guy friend or anyone? Is he just now going through the loss of his father? does THIS actually have nothing to do with his father, and the timing is just so weird? BUT how can you fake propose to me, buy me stuff for your house, and so on DAYS before? no fight, no nothing?   I honestly have no clue and I have been praying for him every day. I am not mad  at him. I told him over and over again how much i love him, but of course i have .01% of hope for us. 

 

I love this man with all my heart. I know I am young, I know life goes on, I know I will survive. but i truly love him. My best friend, someone who has helped me grow into a better person. Someone who has seen me at my worst, and my best. someone who took care of his father from 21- and never complained. he NEVER hurt me, he never caused me pain till this. Yes, i am thankful to have had a love like this. But how can it be over? Is it totally over? I know no one knows, but like....nothing was wrong in our relationship! (clearly something i guess from his perspective) but you all have the full honest story of how things happened. Everything was perfect. Then it just ......ended. 

 

Is he not who i thought he was if he can just dispose of me this fast? he threw me away, like trash. Nothing. Threw me away, cried, then went on with his life. I know he doesn't think about me, and I try not to think about him. Im not who i was 4 or 5 years ago. I love him, deeply, and he showed me what true love for someone is. He gave me everything. I gave him my all.  We loved eachother, but remained our own selves. 

 

 

please help me. I know no one 100% has the answers, but what does this sound like? Are people who go through loss sometimes unable to give love to other people? even though it's been a year? But, i know he is still hanging with his friends and I am the one who got cut out. Why me? I guess he had to invest the most time in me?  Does this even have to do with his dad? did the one year coming up, and holidays trigger something where he is like screw it. i don't want anything or anyone?  or is this just a classic breakup.  He is so good at....not feeling things. He can shut things out fast. Im scared he did this to me. Im scared i am forgotten. 

 

  I was forgotten. I was thrown away. he didn't even bring any issues up to me to try to "fix it" or let me know his concerns?? after 5 years of a healthy fun passionate relationship up until the last moment? 

 

he just made the decision and left me. Got rid of me. 

 

 It's been 6 weeks. and one month since we last spoke. yes i'm trying to distract and BETTER myself. But it is so hard when my life was great then flipped upside down in 1 second.  

 

Thank you all for your help and support. 

 

[kayc]

I am so sorry, I know this hurts. It isn't you, it is him, truly. And yes grief. You can't change him or his response. All you can do is accept this and focus on yourself.  I know how much it hurts, I've been through it. We were engaged a year and his mom was dying. In the nearly ten years since he hasn't tried to get me back. His XW lives with him not as a couple but as a roommate. 

I was blindsided when it happened to me.

No contact does two things. It helps you heal and see clearly. It also protects your love from further damage. Begging, cajoling, pressuring will push him further away. Do not hold out hope for him to get back together with you. Move on with your life. I know this is not what you want to hear and you may not heed my advice but I've read all the posts here, you can see a pattern. It is grief and it is about how he handles things.

[Lisa95]

Hi @kayc. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and help me. I have read so many of your replies on other people's stories, and you help me a lot. 

it has officially been 1 month that we haven't spoken, and my heart hurts everyday. Im so sorry for the loss that you also experienced, I can not imagine. 

I know us as humans get used to what we have everyday, so i was clearly so used to talking with himx being with him, laughing with him, and so on. But I never imagined it would be this hard. Im also so sad because we have such a strong histrory, how am I going to find that with someone else? and someone else is the LAST thing on my mind - I honestly see myself single forever at this point because I truly love him, and I don't want to be that girl in 1 or 2 years trying to date and still thinking about her ex. (he never hurt me, so i'm scared all i will do is search for him in people). Dating? No thanks. i don't think  i will ever take a risk like this again. i know that's an awful mindset, but whatever. 

about 3 weeks ago, his best male friend told me that my ex was acting distant/passive for 2-3 weeks and he brought it up to him and was like, what's going on? he told me my ex said to him that he was stressed and upset about his father. i didn't know this happened when it did (we were still together), but it happened a few days before my ex left me.  so maybe he was/is just not feeling anyone? 

But why was i, the one who gave him stability and love and so much fun, the one who got pushed away? I mentioned everything that happened leading up to the breakup, and that is what is killing me inside. i don't know how he could do all those things, then he like, just kidding. I don't mean it, bye!  You know? 

 

i know he doesn't think of me. i know he doesn't have the urge to speak to me. i know he is distracting himself every second with work, and I know i am just a person of the past. It breaks my heart. 

[nettieboop]

Hi Lisa,

First off, as I read your story, my stomach sinks, as it is almost identical to what I went through. I know exactly how you feel right now. I think the worst part is it coming out of nowhere...you're not prepared, there was nothing indicating that this was coming, nothing. I think they just shut down....they can't cope... As with you, my ex's father had just died - he had been abandoned by his parents as a kid and I encouraged him to rekindle the relationship as an adult. I think when he died, all the stuff from his past came back like a tsunami, he became distant and also wanted to be alone.  I promise you that this has nothing to do with you even though it feels like it, it's him - but on that note, don't wait around for him, as hard as that sounds. Focus on you and healing and moving forward. It sucks. It's not fair. I'm here if you ever need to chat. ❤️

Jeannette

[Lisa95]

Hi @nettieboop! thank you so much for your kind words. and i am so sorry that you had to go through/ are going through this as well. There is nothing worse than heartbreak. 

One thing that I constantly think of is, well, his dad was gone for almost a year at that point, so maybe it had nothing to do with his dad but I am trying to relate it to something to make sense? I do not know what it is like to lose a parent, especially in the way he did. Having to care for someone for 4 years everyday, and then losing them. i can not imagine.  Like what you said too, I know my ex's parents raised an amazing man, but i also know that they didn't have a great marriage and maybe my ex has to deal with some of that stuff even though he NEVER spoke about it. 

Its so scary to be forgotten. To think, wow. we were best friends for almost 9 years and dated romantically for 5, had no fights, no issues, he would talk about forever, and I will most likely never hear from him again.  did you ever hear from yours again, or did this all just happen to you? I am sorry again that you are going through this as well. I am always here to listen to you if you ever need to talk! 

I am not banking on ever hearing from him again, but it's so hard to think about how i was such s huge part of his life for 8.5 years (5 dating), and it's all over in an instant. I wasn't worth it.  

 

[MartyT]

32 minutes ago, Lisa95 said:

Having to care for someone for 4 years everyday, and then losing them. i can not imagine.

In Grief: After Caregiving Ends, Who Am I?

[Lisa95]

9 hours ago, MartyT said:

In Grief: After Caregiving Ends, Who Am I?

thank you so so much for this. I wonder if he feels anything like this? Ugh. I wish we knew what went on a people's minds  

[kayc]

22 hours ago, Lisa95 said:

maybe he was/is just not feeling anyone? 

He's not into ANYTHING right now, even if going through the motions...these are the feelings of grief, it can be a robber.  But it can also be a teacher and if he lets it, it will help him learn much over his grief journey.  Grief has a beginning, but not an ending, although it does evolve, particularly as we do our "grief work."  I hope he'll get counseling, but many people do not.  But he is not your concern right now, as much as you still have feelings for him...You are your concern, and I hope you will put as much thought and care into YOU as you have into him.  Someday the memories that bring you extreme pain right now, will bring you the hint of a smile at what you shared and you will appreciate it for what it was without longing for more.  It may take years to reach that point.  I am old now, and have been through many relationships in my lifetime.  I married four times and had two fiances besides...only one of them truly loved me and got me and he died, way too young and unexpectedly.  I tried rebuilding my life with someone else...twice, it didn't work.  It's been nearly ten years since I've dated and I have no desire to do so again.  But never say never, for none of us know what could come our way...I say if God wills He can bring it about, but I don't go looking for it or set my hopes on it, I accept what my life is in the here and now.  Nothing wrong with someone looking for love, I'm just drained and realize the possibility of having what I once did is pretty small.  But perhaps it's like what I recently went through with my dog, Arlie.  Arlie was my "soulmate in a dog," perfect in every way (for me), I love him with all that is within me!  June 6 I got the diagnosis of inoperable cancer in him.    I provided palliative care for him and tried to help his body last longer and give him quality of life for the time he had left.  Each day with him was a gift.  Each smile, walk, meal eaten, every belly rub I got to give him...I lost him August 16.  He is buried in my back yard, and I talk to him still.  I visit his grave even though I know his spirit isn't there.  I love him with every fabric of my being and look forward to the day I can be with him again.  Two weeks ago my son brought me a puppy, Kodie.  I love Kodie already.  He is not Arlie, he never will be.  I miss my wild-eyed boy, I miss his goofiness, intelligence, consideration, his big body huggable and loving.  Kodie is vastly different.  He doesn't have Arlie's ever-ready smile or make up games like him.  I can't chase him around the house like I did Arlie.  Kodie is tiny and soft and cuddly.  I am learning to love who he is, and not expect a replica of Arlie, which would set me up for disappointment.  No, the package that was Arlie is unique and will never be replaced by anyone, nor ever could be.  But Kodie is creating his own place in my heart.

My George was heads above the rest, and a relationship I know I'll never have just like that with anyone ever again.  But if God sees fit to bring me a companion someday, I could learn to love again...it would never be like that relationship was, but I could love and appreciate someone for who they are.  I doubt this will happen but I leave open the possibility for none of us ever know.  A friend of mine married in her 80s to the love of her life!  They loved each other the last ten years of their lives before they succumbed to cancer, but I hold her in high esteem as an example of how to live, my sparkling Beth.  

22 hours ago, Lisa95 said:

i know he doesn't think of me.

Hmm...you DON'T know that.  Jim is the one I was engaged to for a year, only to have him break up with me when his mom was dying.  Months later after he contacted me, I came to find out he had stalked me on FB...his curiosity was piqued.  They do what they did not because they don't care, but because they don't have it in them to do otherwise.  Perhaps just not relationship material.  They SEEMED to be when we were with them but that final act (break up) showed us otherwise.  We want someone steady and true in our lives, not someone who could throw us overboard, yes like yesterday's trash.  The pain is acute, and can sting for months, years.  Allow yourself the gift of healing, self-care.  All of life is a journey, and this is one more stretch of it...we had good times to savor, but can realize this was not the one for us, for the one for us would never treat us the way they did in the end.  They are someone we cared for and spent time with but it ran its course for whatever reason.  Relegate him to that spot for that is what he has chosen.  If it's any consolation, he did not choose this path because it looked great to him but more perhaps because he is a pawn in his own play...and not one of his making, but one directed by grief.

[kayc]

21 hours ago, nettieboop said:

I promise you that this has nothing to do with you even though it feels like it, it's him - but on that note, don't wait around for him, as hard as that sounds. Focus on you and healing and moving forward.

Words of wisdom!  And so true...

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Lisa95 said:

his dad was gone for almost a year at that point, so maybe it had nothing to do with his dad

Ahh but a year is nothing in the face of grief.  Grief absolutely had a lot to do with it, in my opinion.  Whether while they are dying, when they die, or when the person is still assimilating their death, it is still grief that pulled the strings.

[Lisa95]

@kayc thank you for everything you have said.  Also, i am so sorry for the loss of your husband and your dog. I totally know what you mean when you talk about how you loved your first dog so so much and your goal of course isn't to replace him or her, but open your heart to your new one and allow yourself (ourselves) to love the new person or animal in our life. 

You are such a wonderful person who seems to have a huge perspective on life, relationships, and grief. i know that there are 1000 other variables in everyone's lives and relationships on here, but I find everything you say helpful. 

Today is christmas, and if you are celebrating, i hope you are having a nice day. This would have been me an my ex's 6th together.  I feel empty, i feel like a part of me is missing. Again, in my head i know i will get through this and survive, it just hurts. It hurts because I know how happy we were, and I almost feel like due to whatever he witnessed / went through as a child, he feels like he doesn't deserve me? or, his friends are all moving forward in their reltionships (marriage), and we are not (which is 10000% fine by me), and maybe he felt pressure even though i never put any pressure on him?   I miss his voice, his touch, his laughter. We always talked in stupid funny voices together, and I miss those little things.  I want to not miss someone who threw me away. Even though I want nothing but the best for him and hope he is mentally okay and getting better as i have no clue what he truly is going through with the loss of his dad (if that is a factor or variable in the death of our relationship), I just want to get over him. Although he gave me so much happiness and love, I want to forget it. I don't want to remember someone who was able to let me go without a struggle. 

 

Why do we want so bad to be with people who break us? I ask myself that every 5 minutes. It is sad that I was not enough for him, and that he didn't want to go through this with me. But i guess i don't want someone like that?  Idk. It's almost like he was a stranger when he broke up with me, not the same person i knew the night before. How can things change so fast  

[kayc]

My daughter's husband is getting a "divorce for Christmas."  Like he's doing some kind of favor by paying for it.  12 years ago on Christmas he got on bended knee and asked her to marry him, she got an engagement ring...they married 9/09/09.  He left her nearly three years ago after she suffered a miscarriage.  Then he came back eight months later when she had the flu under the auspices of taking care of her, without doing the work he should do (marriage counseling, etc) but really, it was to steal her apartment.  She'd kept the payments made on her own, she was the one who found that apt., now he thinks it's okay to just take it from her?  She can't afford a different one, this one is $500 less than comparable ones.  Yesterday I witnessed her crying over the person she's loved for 19 1/2 years.

Sometimes life just is not fair.  Sometimes it stinks.  We get through these things, I've been there.  Person/details are different but heartbreak the same.  I've been alone for so many years now and honestly I wouldn't want to go through this kind of stuff again, too old and too tired.  There's good guys out there, I know that, I don't want to go through what I'd have to go through to meet one...too old, too tired.  For all the young people I hope you keep on trying and eventually find the one who will be that good partner for life.  I had him once, he died, way too soon.  But at least I have memories to console me, although it seems like a far away dream now.

19 hours ago, Lisa95 said:

hatever he witnessed / went through as a child, he feels like he doesn't deserve me? or, his friends are all moving forward in their reltionships (marriage), and we are not (which is 10000% fine by me), and maybe he felt pressure even though i never put any pressure on him?

Nope, please believe me when I say it's not you, it's him, it's his grief.  He can't do a relationship and grieve at the same time so he cut you loose.  I never knew that was a thing until I went through it.  I've read and responded to every thread in this section...you read them and see a pattern.  I guess it helps to know that this is a grief response, that it wasn't you guys personally, but honestly I wouldn't want to be with someone who'd just cut me off like this.  My late husband never would have done that.  Anyone that responds this way does not deserve me or any  of the others here, heartbroken and caring.

19 hours ago, Lisa95 said:

i guess i don't want someone like that

Nope...me neither.

19 hours ago, Lisa95 said:

How can things change so fast  

I don't know, but it sure did.  I was shocked, blindsided.  You'll cry for a few months and then steel yourself against the heartbreak and you will move on.  It will probably always puzzle you, it has me.

[Lisa95]

Oh my gosh - I am so sorry to hear that. I am thinking of your daughter and your whole family. That makes my stomach hurt! I am sure that your daughter will get through it, especially since she has someone like you in her life who has been through so much and sees so clearly. Again, I am sorry to hear that. 

Love is my favorite “thing” ever, I love intimacy (physical and mental), touch, and the feeling that the special someone gives me when I think of them or have them in my presence. I have always been someone who loves so deeply and maybe that is my problem. I wish I could easily stop loving someone who so easily stopped loving me. I know you said it will take time and I can not rush the process, but I want to get over this so quickly. I keep telling myself that like you said, I don’t want someone who can easily let me go, without a reason (other than him wanting to be alone, which might very well be his reason and that’s valid), but like, it hurts cause I feel in my heart that it’s not about us. (or not fully about us?)

I do not believe he will ever seek counseling for what he has been through (his dad, maybe some of his childhood?)and again he was so stable, so loving, never turned to drugs or alcohol, so  i don’t know, maybe he doesn’t need it but i wish he would. (also i think therapy is amazing and every individual can benefit from it haha) I guess even though we have been friends for 9 years and dated happily for 5, it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t matter we didn’t have a fight, it doesn’t matter he was decorating for me, it doesn’t matter we had an amazing night before. It wasn’t good enough for him and it hurts. I am torturing myself thinking like...idk. What i should have done different.  There has to be SOMETHING i could have done to make him not want to be alone! to not make him want to leave me.  

You said you are too old and tired to go through heartbreak again- (i feel old and tired and i am 24 haha!) I feel like I never even want to risk being left ever again. I am so scared to be left after giving my all. I know it’s what us as humans sign up for i guess with wanting to find love, but I am taking this so hard. I never want to settle for less, but i feel like it’s impossible to find someone better than him. someone who made my heart explode every day I saw him.   

I just don’t know. Sorry for the rambling, and thank you for always talking to me.  I hope you’re having a nice day 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Lisa95 said:

What i should have done different.

It's not about YOU!  It AFFECTS you, but you didn't cause this, nor can you fix it.

16 hours ago, Lisa95 said:

I feel like I never even want to risk being left ever again.

That's how my daughter is feeling too but I know we can't experience love without risk...just give yourself the best possible chance, scrutinize their background, their past history, how they behave, treat you, pay attention to any red flags.  My sister said, "But then no one would have ever loved us!" (if they looked at our parents/background)  True enough, but my son-in-law is responding as his mother did all those years.  None of us ever would have believed he'd change so drastically...it was alcohol that changed his brain, he didn't drink before they married.

Sometimes we can't foresee things, I know none of us did with them.  All we can do is our best.  But continue to hold yourself to a high standard and know that you deserve so much more than this.  Don't give up on ever having love in your life, just make sure you go slow, take your time going in, and see clearly.  Give yourself the gift of healing before even looking.  Love yourself to know what you deserve and don't settle for anything less.

[Lisa95]

You’re so right 😔 Another thing I am having a hard time with is just like, imagining him with other people. Like i keep torturing myself and think of finding out in 3 months or a year that he is with someone i know from high school or something. (he does deserve to be happy, I also truly believe him when he says he wants to be alone and does not want any companionship). But i still do it to myself, i try to shut those thoughts off right when they come into my mind but it is so hard. what will she give to him that i couldn’t?  I know I sound pathetic and i should NOT be thinking like this. I remember even asking him that specific question, and he said it is not about anyone else and that he sees himself alone in his life.  I wanted to give him everything. I am so scared i will never find that passion and love and loyalty and friendship ever again. 

 

I also feel like I am the one who thinks I have suffered a loss, but I feel like he just got over it. Like he doesn’t care if I find love again or give myself to someone again. I imagine him just like, not caring. (clearly i understand he left me therefore he doesn’t care you know) but I just hate feeling so much LOSS when he feels no loss of me. or he did for a week, and now he’s over it. I guess that’s just life and how some people are. and it just hurts. I feel stupid for giving myself to someone like him now 😢

[kayc]

Everything you are feeling and expressing is normal for what you are going through.  I hope with time you realize there are possibilities and good things ahead for you, that just because he ended this does not mean you will not have love in your life...a truer love, someone who would never dream of dumping you (because that's how we feel...dumped, regardless of the reason).  Sometimes we don't get closure, all nice and neat and wrapped up like we'd prefer...sometimes we must bring our own closure to it but knowing our value and knowing we deserve so much better than this.

[Lisa95]

Thank you so much @kayc. I am telling myself everyday that i am enough, and that i couldn’t have done anything different to change this. I love “love” so much, I really hope someone comes into my life one day who will go through everything with me. I truly hope that my ex will find peace with whatever he is going through and will give us another chance, but I know I can not bank on that. I miss my best friend so much, I hate wondering what he is doing right now. I hope to wake up one day and not care anymore about what he is doing, I know that will be in time. This sounds so dumb and cliche, but I wish I could see the future. I wish i knew for a 100% fact that he will never reach out to me again so I could be a bit angry/pissed and it be easier to let go. I keep telling myself “it’s 100%  over” but i still have a hard time believing it. My gut isn’t even helping me right now, I just don’t know what to think. I spend my days worrying about myself and I am still looking for work and such, but he is in my mind constantly. I think he has to much pride to ever reach out later. 

 

Or a fear i have is like, you know how he never brought anything up to me or voiced his concerns to me about what was going on to see if we can work through it and he just straight up made up is mind? i’m scared that in whatever amount of time IF he has a moment where he’s like, wow I miss her, I miss the companionship and life we shared and I realized blah blah blah, that he will just convince himself like, “eh it’s not even worth talking to her about or having a reconciliation, maybe she moved on or etc” (even though I told him I only want him and stuff we all say to those who leave us lol). I just hope he comes to me IF he thinks differently, UNLIKE how he didn’t come to me to discuss reasons for the breakup. I CANT control what happens and again i am not holding on to much hope, but I just don’t want him to convince himself of something before talking to me like what he did with the breakup. 

 

Ugh. I just need to stop worrying and move on.  

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Lisa95 said:

I wish i knew for a 100% fact that he will never reach out to me again so I could be a bit angry/pissed and it be easier to let go. I keep telling myself “it’s 100%  over” but i still have a hard time believing it.

It is over.  He's not reaching out so there's your answer.  Leave him to worry about himself and you be concerned about YOU.  He's not your concern now.  I know, you have leftover feelings, in time they will fade, but not if you obsess about him, only if you make the effort to get over him because we can keep things stirred up or we can work on getting past it but not both at the same time.  Does he seem concerned about you?  That is your answer for how to be regarding him.  I know, this is all a process, none of it simple or easy.  I was so in shock when Jim broke up with me, a feeling of disbelief seems to be common for this scenario.  I don't understand how someone can act loving one minute and heartless the next but there it is.

[Lisa95]

You’re completely right. No he is not acting concerned about me. at all - guess i don’t expect him to anyways So you’re right, i need to stop! Ugh. you’re last sentence is what i ask myself every 3 minutes and I hope to stop asking myself that sometime soon.  I wonder what it’s like to look someone in the eyes with warmth in their eyes and heart and say “i love you”. i wonder what it’s like to look at someone and say “we are family”. I wonder what it is like to make love to someone when you “don’t love them as much as they love me”.  I wonder what it is like to buy things for a house for that person i have been with for 5 years, act all excited about it, and then just be like, ha, just kidding! and break up with them the next day.  I literally can not even comprehend what it must be like to be one way with someone 18 hours before and have 0 issues, and then do a complete 360 and erase 5 years of healthy love and stability and passion. UGH.     

 

[nettieboop]

Hi,  

These really helped me wrap my head around what I was dealing with. http://www.storiedmind.com/recovery/heal-break-depressed-partner/

[kayc]

One thing I noted in the article of significance, "If you’ve gone through a break-up, what helped you start to heal?"

I would say valuing myself and realizing this issue was about him, not a reflection on me.  (In some people's case it might be realizing something about themselves and getting therapy for it.)  We can't answer how they could be one way one day and another the next, but know it's something to do with something they're dealing with (often, grief) and does not detract from what we once had together.  Also realize that what we once had is a moot point now as it is no longer.

Spending time with family and friends, working on ourselves, giving ourselves something to look forward to.  And it's okay to shed those tears, all a part of the processing of our grief over the relationship.  There comes a day you pull yourself up by your boot straps and say, "No more!"  Recognizing the strength within you that it's taken to survive this and move on from it.  

[nettieboop]

❤️

[Lisa95]

thank you both 🖤🖤