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My fiance was murdered 3 months ago and I still feel the same way I did when I saw him laying out in the middle of the street. I can never un see that image of him laying there with tears in his eyes taking his last breath. He was only 31 years old, we both are and we had plans of being grandparents watching our 2 boys grow up to be men but they took that chance away from US and I'm so angry that it hurts. I'm still crying everyday just the thought still break me down and Lord knows seeing my boys moping around saying how much they miss they dad really breaks my heart.  He was our everything..We became inseparable at 15 He's all I know and I miss him terribly it's like life has no meaning without him going through it with me. The love he had for me was out of this world it had to b one in a lifetime and the love I had for him was just as powerful.. I just feel so lost now I don't know what to do and now it's all on me to do everything and I just feel overwhelmed and depressed.. It's like I'm physically OK cuz I have to take care of my kids but I'm emotionally a mess because no-one is taking care of me and I now feel all alone.. Ik everyone here can understand my feelings I just hope we all can get through it but how I feel I just don't see how that's even a possibility 

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I am so sorry for your loss and especially for the way in which it happened.  So young to be going through this.  :(

I hope you are getting professional grief counseling.  I want to leave you with an article I wrote ten years after the loss of my husband...we met in our 40s and he'd just turned 51 when he died.  I was floundering, not knowing how to to this, my emotions in an upheaval...all my friends ditched me when he died.  I guess it's not comfortable for them and they didn't know what to say.  It's taken me years to build a life I could live.  Some of the suggestions may seem trite, if so, skip over those, not everything is going to speak to everyone, these are the things I found helpful...the single biggest help was learning to take a day at a time.  Looking at the whole "rest of my life" invited anxiety which was already through the roof.

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Thank you both! And I definitely need to read that article because I've been looking for answers and words to make me feel better, but nothing seems to be working and this article may just help me get an understanding. God bless you both!

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Lynette, I cannot even imagine having seen my husband taken in such a way.  Our enemy was cancer.  I really don’t know what to say except I can absolutely relate to the anger, feeling overwhelmed, depressed and all alone.  Plus you have to take on your kids grief which is different than yours by the connection.  3 months is a short time and what I mean by that is the shock is still with you.  Nothing in the world is going to look right for a long time, if ever. This isn’t to scare you, it is the nature of losing your love and anchor.  Your plans and dreams shattered so abruptly.  Those of us that had time couldn’t even fathom the reality when it came and you had no time.  Things like this don’t happen to us.  I’m sure you have thought that.  We all have.  I know I have learned true empathy from this and when I do hear about a murder,  I feel not only for the victim, but immediately think of their family.  They are still here to have to try and survive such a horrific thing.  A senseless thing.  'Why?' engulfing your mind.

I’m so sorry you are here because of why.  I hope that as you try and process this, look for light on a path you never wanted and experience feelings you never knew existed, you will keep sharing here as you need as so many will hear you.  That helps more than I can say.  I don’t know if you have other support, but a good grief counselor is always a good idea.  They truly get it too.  If possible, try to stay in the moment.  The rest will come without going there before you are ready.

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Lynette27:  So sorry to read of the loss of your fiance and the tragic way you lost him.  Your kids must be suffering the loss of their Dad unbelievably.  You didn't mention their ages, but said they are missing their Dad so imagine the pain as you all try to get through this sadness.  Your finding this forum can be a beginning for you to possibly find answers, support and advice from so many of us who have been on this online forum.  We each have a different story line but the ending of the story is pretty much the same, we have lost the most important part of us.  

Please know you are not alone.  Warm regards, Dee    

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Gwenivere Thank you,  I understand no death is easy if you know it's coming or if it's sudden because in the end we all are suffering from losing a loved one ... I'm  glad I found this group because for months I've had noone to talk to about how I feel because they don't understand. It's easy for people to say you're going to be okay or things are going to be better but when a piece of your heart is gone how can you be okay..Youu are absolutely right I just knew nothing like this would happen to us,me losing the love of my life as well as my boys growing up without their father when it's always been just us 4, The thought of him leaving us never crossed my mind especially at 31 and being murdered...I'm sorry you and your husband had to battle that , cancer is a scary thing I can only imagine what your thoughts must have been when y'all found out, You have my deepest condolences. God bless you.

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Widow15 Thank you, our oldest son is 12 and youngest 11, they miss him just as much as I do..But I'm grateful to have found this forum because now I can hear from people who know Exactly how I must feel. We all are suffering and in need of a healing... God bless you.

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I’m so sorry for your loss, Tamica.  I’m glad you found this safe place to share anything you feel.  We all understand the myriad of emotions that come with losing half of ourselves.  Your loss is so very new and your mind and heart are being overwhelmed it’s what we can’t or don’t want to accept as a reality.  There is much advice of which I found was to experience the feelings as they come.  The past will haunt you, the present you will want to escape and looking towards the future will seem impossible.  These are all valid.  Perhaps you could share more of what happened.  There are different reactions to slow and sudden deaths, for example.  No matter what your situation, every person here will understand and hear you.  If you need to know if something is normal, you will find that here.  I’m, again so sorry you are here, because of the reason.  If you have children thier loss is different from yours.  I hope you will share more as you feel up to it.  This is a warm family who is always here.

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@Tamica Shannon  I am so sorry, I think losing our spouse is one of the hardest losses we can face as it affects every aspect of our lives and leaves a huge void.  I hope you will post more as you re ready...how long since you lost him, do you have support, are you feeling isolated?

I ditto everything Gwen has shared, and I want you to know you've found a good place to come to, we want to be here for you as you go through your grief journey.  It helps to learn what you can about grief, and there is an abundance of information on this site, it's just a matter of finding what you need and can help to post your questions so we can respond.  The owner/administrator of this site is a professional grief counselor, which differentiates this site from the others.  I've been here since the loss of my husband nearly 15 years ago and it literally saved my life!  Finding others that get it, understand, and all of the immense help...trying to go through this alone is like trying to drive across the US without a road map or GPS...only harder.

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful and hope something in it will help you right now (the single best help when I went through it was learning to take a day at a time) and some other things on down the road as you're in that place, not everything will hit you at the same time.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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