Tomorrow

[okaypie]

My dog bandit is 14 years old, I've had him ever since I was very little. I'm 20 years old and I'm home from college for my winter break. I knew we were putting him down since the first week of being home. He can't walk anymore his joints hurt him too bad, we have to carry him everywhere. He's being put down tomorrow and I can't stop crying. He's such a good dog I don't want him to go. I feel like I'm letting go the last bit of my childhood. I remember when we first got him and he was so small you could fit him in your pocket. I remember how my stepdad became the only man he ever trusted and that's how I knew my stepdad was a good guy from the start. I remember how when he was so little he'd get lost in the grass if we didn't mow it. I love hearing his little snores at bedtime and how he'd flop his ears back to get treats. 

I ran into my stepdad downstairs today after he fed bandit for the last time and he was crying. I never have seen my stepdad cry before. Bandit became his dog when my oldest sister had became rebellious and left the house early (bandit was given to her as a birthday gift by our old school bus driver). My stepdad and bandit are companions. This is hitting me and my parents really hard, my stepdad can't go to the euthanasia because he has to work, and I don't want my mom to go into the vets alone. I know I'll have to go and watch my dog die because my sisters won't care enough to be there. I'm so scared. I love my dog so much. 

Thank you for reading if you've gotten this far. I hope that bandit will be happy in his afterlife and that he'll be able to walk and see my cat ralph up there.

[kayc]

I'm glad you'll be there for your dog and your mom.  When my son and I took Arlie in, we both laid on the floor with him and cried (he was a big dog so always on the floor at the vet's.)

I'm so sorry for your pain, don't worry about being stoic for your mom, sometimes it helps to have a crying partner.  It's so hard.  I keep in mind that I transferred my dog's suffering to me, and it makes it a little more bearable but the pain of missing him continues 4 1/2 months later.  You'll be in my prayers tomorrow.

The thought of them in heaven where no more pain and plenty of friends to play with helps too.

[okaypie]

@kayc Thank you very much for your kind words, it's been a while since I've been in someone's prayers. It means more than you can imagine. I saw your thread on Arlie, he looked like he was a very sweet dog, I'm happy that you gave him a good life. You're a very kind person, I know that you'll be able to see Arlie again someday just like I'll be able to see bandit when he goes. Keep helping those that you can help, and I hope your year makes you happier. 

Here is a picture of bandit, I like to think he brings a smile to people's faces

[MartyT]

My friend, you are among kindred souls here in this forum. We are animal lovers all, and most of us have been where you are now. (Read my story here: Saying Goodbye to Beringer.) Be there for Bandit and for your mom tomorrow, share your sorrow with both of them, and let your tears flow. You can do this. Let it be your final act of love for your precious companion, hold him close, and let your loving embrace be the last presence he'll remember on this earthly plane. And know that you'll be in my prayers, too ❤️

[okaypie]

@MartyT Beringer looked very cute, it makes me glad that you still think of him. I don't like when people forget their pets after death, every animal brings something new into your home and life. 

I'll be there for my mom and Bandit. I know that he'll try to lick the tears off my face. I hate crying in front of him because he gets worried and I don't want him to be worried when he dies. I know I won't be able to help it tomorrow, though. I know he'll be okay in heaven, but I'll miss him very much.

[kayc]

You're in my heart today, I know this will be tough.  Bandit is beautiful.  I pray his final moments will be peaceful and he can have something special to eat just before they administer the shots.  I gave Arlie a can of catfood and the vet brought in some easy cheese.  He couldn't believe his good fortune at the catfood, he'd always wanted some but it's high in fat and he had lifelong Colitis, so it was off limits for him.  

Praying for you and your little Bandit...

[okaypie]

We're leaving at 3pm today, our youngest dog sassy can tell something's off. She keeps checking on Bandit. I don't know what she'll do when he's gone, she tries to help him as much as she can, she even leans on him when he's outside so he can stand. 

Everytime she walks into the living room she looks up into his chair to make sure he's still there. It's killing me. 

I hate having a set time because now it's just about the waiting. I've been giving him snacks because the thought of not having the wet food for him anymore hurts a lot. 

[okaypie]

He was buried in the backyard by me and my mom. My stepdad was able to stay through the entire process, I didn't expect the medicine to work so quickly. But as soon as it entered his bloodstream the light from his eyes was just... gone. I never knew death had a smell until now, we laid him on my coat in the backseat to get him back home. My coat smells like it now and it's..a lot. I know he's better now, and I plan to paint a rock for his grave.

[okaypie]

I'm staying up for when my stepdad comes home (he works nights) and the living room is so quiet without bandits little snores. I want to be up with rascal so he has someone to greet him when he comes home, but I hate how quiet it is...

[kayc]

I don't know which was worse for me, seeing my dog worsen (cancer), anticipation/waiting for the euthanasia date (set 11 days in advance so my son could come) going through the euthanasia, burial, or the absence afterwards.  It was all hard.  And all part of the grieving process.  It took every bit of that and more to get through it.

I am so glad you stepdad was there.  When they gave Arlie his first shot they warned it would hurt, but I was not prepared for the outcry he gave, he looked upset that someone hurt him, that broke my heart, I haven't been through a euthanasia like that one.  I don't know if it was because he was so big and they had to administer more or what.  When my Lucky went through it, she fought it, I'd never seen that happen before either.  When I had King George euthanized, he went peacefully, like he was going to sleep.    I don't know that there's a way to prepare for this.

I also painted rocks, my favorite was one I painted of our truck with Arlie in the back end, tail high, ears perky, tongue hanging out, smiling.  I think painting rocks that are meaningful can be very therapeutic.  I like to think they can look down and see them and know our love for them.

This article might be of help to you with your other dog.  I went through Lucky grieving when my husband died.  It took my daughter to point out her strange behavior, I was out of it, but I started being there more for Lucky once I realized what was going on.  I wish I'd had this article then.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/06/pet-loss-supporting-your-grieving-pet.html

Sending comforting thoughts and prayers your way...

[MartyT]

I read this just now and thought of you, okaypie:

A Dog Never Dies, He's Just Sleeping In Your Heart, by Ernest Montague

Some of you, particularly those who think they have recently lost a dog to ‘death’, don’t really understand this. I’ve had no desire to explain, but won’t be around forever and must.

Dogs never die. They don’t know how to. They get tired, and very old, and their bones hurt. Of course they don’t die. If they did they would not want to always go for a walk, even long after their old bones say: ‘No, no, not a good idea. Let’s not go for a walk.’ Nope, dogs always want to go for a walk. They might get one step before their aging tendons collapse them into a heap on the floor, but that’s what dogs are. They walk.

It’s not that they dislike your company. On the contrary, a walk with you is all there is. Their boss, and the cacaphonic symphony of odor that the world is. Cat poop, another dog’s mark, a rotting chicken bone (exultation), and you. That’s what makes their world perfect, and in a perfect world death has no place.

However, dogs get very very sleepy. That’s the thing, you see. They don’t teach you that at the fancy university where they explain about quarks, gluons, and Keynesian economics. They know so much they forget that dogs never die. It’s a shame, really. Dogs have so much to offer and people just talk a lot.

When you think your dog has died, it has just fallen asleep in your heart. And by the way, it is wagging its tail madly, you see, and that’s why your chest hurts so much and you cry all the time. Who would not cry with a happy dog wagging its tail in their chest. Ouch! Wap wap wap wap wap, that hurts. But they only wag when they wake up. That’s when they say: ‘Thanks Boss! Thanks for a warm place to sleep and always next to your heart, the best place.’

When they first fall asleep, they wake up all the time, and that’s why, of course, you cry all the time. Wap, wap, wap. After a while they sleep more. (remember, a dog while is not a human while. You take your dog for walk, it’s a day full of adventure in an hour. Then you come home and it’s a week, well one of your days, but a week, really, before the dog gets another walk. No WONDER they love walks.)

Anyway, like I was saying, they fall asleep in your heart, and when they wake up, they wag their tail. After a few dog years, they sleep for longer naps, and you would too. They were a GOOD DOG all their life, and you both know it. It gets tiring being a good dog all the time, particularly when you get old and your bones hurt and you fall on your face and don’t want to go outside to pee when it is raining but do anyway, because you are a good dog. So understand, after they have been sleeping in your heart, they will sleep longer and longer.

But don’t get fooled. They are not ‘dead.’ There’s no such thing, really. They are sleeping in your heart, and they will wake up, usually when you’re not expecting it. It’s just who they are.

I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs sleeping in their heart. You’ve missed so much. Excuse me, I have to go cry now.