I killed my best friend..

[KathMarch]

I lost my Lucy, a four year old German Shepherd service dog on February 7, 2019. Almost 11 months ago. The night of the fire my daughter awoke me at 12:49 am screaming that there was a fire and we had to go. In my mind even though I was instantly awake was the thought, “Show me where that fire is, I’ll put it out!”. I came out of my room and Lucy tried to follow me as it was her “job”. I thought she’d be underfoot while I put it out so I told her to stay and closed her in the bedroom. The last image I have of her in my mind was confusion about why I wouldn’t let her come with. By the time I got three feet down the hallway I was completely engulfed in dark black choking smoke and was disoriented and couldn’t breathe. There was no going backwards and the fire was enormous. I don’t know how I got out safely. By the time the FD got there there was nothing anyone could do. The whole entire house was gone in a half an hour. Ashes. They later found Lucy hiding in the bathtub. If you had known Lucy you would know the bathtub was the last place she would voluntarily go unless she was terrified. All I can see is her scared to death, worries about where I was and waiting to die. The confusion about why she couldn’t follow me. I believe regardless of what well meaning people say all the time, that I killed her that night and I’ll never forgive myself. I will never have another dog. This has broken me. I don’t know how to recover from this. I really need a service dog for balance issues too but I’ll find another way. I miss my girl so much. She was more than a pet, she was my help and protector. She was my friend.

[kayc]

OMG, my heart is broken for you and what you must be living.  We feel so responsible for them and nothing anyone can say can change your feelings, I know that..  I hope you will read these articles and take them to heart, they've helped me.  I lost my beautiful Arlie August 16, 2019.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

It's my belief that our dogs go to heaven and we'll be reunited with them when our time comes.  You know she's forgiven you already, she understands now what she didn't at the time.  You were disoriented which is something physical that takes over and we can't help, it's part of the smoke inhalation and shock.  I am very very sorry for your loss, I know it is enormous because I know what my Arlie meant and means to me, there's no replacing them, only learning to live with their absence, whether we get another dog or not.  Every day I am reminded of his absence, this has been some of the hardest time in my life and I know it is in yours also.

Have you considered a grief counselor?  They have some that specialize in loss of pet, if you live in a large city esp.

[KathMarch]

Thank you for your kind words, I’m more sorry about Arlie than I can say. My love of dogs was given to me like a gift from my father from a very young age. I believe Lucy is with my daddy in heaven, which is indeed a very lucky thing for her. He’s playing with her and watching out for her. And I know she’s loving him. I hope I’ll see her again. I hope she forgives my shortsightedness. 

Thank you for the article, I will read it. I’m still searching for something that makes sense of this. I feel so guilty but I didn’t even mention that my two precious kitties and my own sister were also killed in the blaze. Such destruction and death..

And I feel even more guilty that though I loved my sister immensely and of course Princess and Marley, the kitties, that I focus on Lucy’s loss above anything. I feel like it makes me a bad person. Princess was 19 and deserved to die safe and warm in my arms and Marley was 8 and such a sweet, silly boy. But who grieves so badly about a dog more than their sister? It shames me to my core and yet I can’t help it.

But my heart is broken over that girl. I can’t help it. Her face was the last thing I saw before I got out. 

I am in therapy and a PTSD group, so far not much helps. I just have to ride it out

Thank you for your kind words, I send you healing and peace.

[MartyT]

My dear Kath, my heart hurts for you as I read your story, and I am so sorry this happened to you.

I am struck by your feeling "even more guilty" that your loss of your beloved Lucy exceeds the grief you feel at the tragic deaths of your sister and your two kitties. Please find a way to forgive yourself for feeling this way ~ and good for you for being honest enough to acknowledge it! Your reaction is completely understandable! First of all, feelings are emotions, not facts, and we while we may be able to control how we act and how we behave, we cannot control how we feel. Besides, the role your Lucy played in your life and the relationship you had with each other is very different from what you had with your sister. Since Lucy was your service dog, you were dependent on each other in so many ways, and your loss of her is a unique and significant one, in and of itself! See, for example, Death of A Service Dog.

It's also fruitless to compare the losses you've endured, since each one is unique and each must be attended to differently. See Is Pet Loss Comparable to Loss of A Loved One? and Is Losing A Grandmother Easier Than Losing A Sister?  

In addition to the deaths of your service dog, your sister and your two kitties, you've also lost your home and your belongings! It's good to know that you're in therapy and a PTSD group, since you're also dealing with the trauma of grief after a fire. I'm hoping these articles will offer some insight, too:

Recovering Emotionally After A Residential Fire

The Psychology of SURVIVING a fire and then having to return to its destruction, Normalcy after a fire

Finally, in addition to the excellent articles Kay has suggested, I also invite you to read these:

Loss and The Burden of Guilt

Guilt and Regret in Grief

[kayc]

22 hours ago, KathMarch said:

And I feel even more guilty that though I loved my sister immensely and of course Princess and Marley, the kitties, that I focus on Lucy’s loss above anything. I feel like it makes me a bad person

OMG, I am so sorry!  As if losing your precious companion wasn't enough!  Please try not to feel guilty for any of your feelings...feelings are something that come to us unbidden, we deal with them but we aren't responsible for them.  There are valid reasons for how we feel.  In your situation your relationship with Lucy is understandably close and above anything else, how could it not be?  You were dependent upon her, you had such a bond with her!  Not saying your other relationships took a back step, not at all, but a lot of things govern that close bond, how much time we spent together, how much we could understand each other.  Arlie and I had unbelievable communication, he read me, I read him, we were together all the time, he was the perfect dog for me, losing my sister 1 1/2 years before was not comparable to losing my Arlie.  Not that I'd mention that to my other sisters, they might not understand, but it's totally understandable!  I've had cats that I loved, one who was 19 before I relieved him of his cancer.  I loved that cat (King George), also my Miss Mocha who slept with me...but they weren't the same as my bond with Arlie even though I loved them immensely.  What you are feeling and going through is not out of line for the circumstances!

I am so sorry for each of your losses.  I do feel grief counseling would be beneficial.  There is immense help available on this site.  There is a course available.  Hosts of books listed. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/grief-bibliography_21.html Countless articles.  And it helps to post what you're going through.  

[kokoangel37]

Hi KathMarch:

Oh my gosh, my first pet was a german shepherd.  She had puppies and we kept one.  They went everywhere with us.  I love german Shepherds.  My little dog now is a pomeranian and was trained to be a service dog at the hospitals, but I pulled her out.  She wasn't happy doing it and I wasn't either.  So I just registered her to be my therapy dog. ESA.  Emotionally Support Animal.  I have had so many dogs now pass away.  I am 68 so I have had many dogs  in my lifetime.

It never gets easier.  My last do that was a pug, the sweetest most tender dog ever was left outside by our son, when I was out of town.  We blocked the doggie door so our cat couldn't get out.  He forgot she was out there, we live in Arizona and this was in the summer, when temperatures get up to 115 or so.  She died in the heat.  I was totally devastated.  I tried to go to the face to face grief groups, but it was too painful for me, I took on everybody else's pain plus my own, it was too much. Anyway I was worried more about my son, because he was responsible.  He had such trauma over it and nightmares about it.  I forgave him, but that didn't seem to help.  He had to go through with what he had to go through with.

It is still hard to think about and it has been 10 years.  I know all my dogs are with me in spirit I am so sure of it and they are so, so happy where they are.  They will be the first ones I will want to see when I die and hug and hug and play with them.  Kelti and Rocky were our German Shepherds.  You didn't kill your precious, precious angel.   I know that doesn't help, because you will feel what you will feel.  Know that you will eventually be with your Lucy forever and ever.  This life is just a little flicker of light and then we are on to the eternity with all our loved ones and animals, which are our best friends and part of our family.

Just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you are guilty.

All my love kokoangel137

[kayc]

@kokoangel37  I am so sorry for what your little dog went through and all of you with her.  I have a similar experience with my dog Fluffy, he was the sweetest American Eskimo/Cocker Spaniel.  We'd gotten his and King George (cat)' shots, brought them home and were giving George his medicine when unbeknownst to me, Fluffy had crawled back into the van and hid (the door was open).  I drove to work, it was summer, he was in the van all day wit the windows up and I was just a few feet away in my office, little did I know he was dying while I was working.  It's a hard thing to live with. 

We never would do anything to harm our animals and I hope your son understands that as fallible humans we aren't always perfect, much as we might like to be, this was a horrible accident, nothing more.  My heart goes out to him for carrying this burden for I know what that is like.

The one thing I know is they've forgiven us and love us still and I believe wholeheartedly, we will be with them again to share our love and hold them again.