Mentally exhausted

[Lostmomma]

My bf of 1 year just lost his younger brother. He is so broken right now. I am trying to be there for him when he needs to vent, share memories, cry, be angry. Problem is I’m his main target for the anger. I have kids and he can’t stand to be around them any more because their wining over trivial things makes him angry and hateful. Before this he was struggling because his father is dying. He was already taking his anger out on me because of his fathers cancer but now his brother passed and he is a mess and he will likely be soon burying his father. I’m trying to hang in there because I love him but my kids don’t deserve his anger and it’s becoming so mentally destructive for me. He just drinks until he is incoherent and calls me to yell at me.  What can I do? 

[kayc]

4 hours ago, Lostmomma said:

I’m trying to hang in there because I love him but my kids don’t deserve his anger and it’s becoming so mentally destructive for me. He just drinks until he is incoherent and calls me to yell at me.  What can I do? 

I'm sorry but this is abuse and I wouldn't take it for myself nor would I allow it for my kids.  Your role is first and foremost those kids' protector.  Perhaps it's best you be away from him unless//until he get control over himself.  I know how hard this would be for you with love-feelings for him, but remember your priorities must be first to yourself and your children.  If it's not healthy for you and your kids, it's not healthy.  This isn't some temporary thing that was an off-night.  This could go on for the duration.  And NO TIME treating your kids badly is okay.

I've learned a lot from the counseling I've had in my life and one of the things I learned on marriagebuilders.com was you can't help the marriage unless/until the alcoholism is first dealt with.  Also it takes two to make a relationship work.  It can take one person to break it.  And this is in a marriage, with a BF, even less chance.

I would be backing out with skids on!  You can care about someone but realize they aren't healthy for you.

 

[Shadowcat]

Evening!

 

I know it's hard, but I tend to agree that you are being emotionally abused, and it isn't fair on your kids either.

 

I understand how hard it is to let go when you love someone, and I know you probably feel like you would be a heartless bitch to leave him when he's going through such a hard time and losing family members etc, but here's my suggestion: Tell him that you're there to support him and you love him, but until he gets a handle on his drinking and realises that he can't take his pain out on you and your kids, you can't be around him anymore. Take some space, and only speak to him if he communicates calmly and rationally. If he's calm and rational via text, perhaps send him messages to check up on him, but immediately tell him you're ending the conversation if he becomes abusive.

 

I know I'm late to this conversation. I hope things have improved since you made this post.