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Amy91

Missing and longing for my love

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Almost 2 years sense I lost the love of my life. Grief comes in waves strong unrelenting waves...

Been a hard week though Holidays always suck 😕 I miss him so much...I miss everything! 
I miss sex, and holding hands, and someone to eat with and go to the movies, I miss his laugh and smile and inside jokes and someone to talk to and kiss goodnight. I miss turning over at night and feeling his strong arms next to me. I miss feeling safe, I miss his stupid jokes, and his endless talking about music. I miss the way he laid his head in my lap and playing with his hair. I miss feeling alive I miss not worry about people dieing all the time, I miss days where I didn’t cry I don’t even remember the last time I had a whole day without crying. I miss sleeping. I miss his presence it was so peaceful. 

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Every thing you are feeling is so normal.  I iknow that isn't much help, but it is what we have all felt. After looking at your ptofile, you are still in that shock and reality that drives us crazy..   you haven’t expressed anything that we haven’t all gone thru if that helps you, but you are not alone at all.  Keep,posting your feelings and you will see how common this is.  I know it doesn’t feel normal, it never will.  Connecting with others truly helps.  We all get the intensity those on the outside don’t. Feeling not someone on the outside never can.   You entered a world that no one wants to be in.  I’m so sorry you are here.

.no

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Amy91:  I am truly sorry you have had the need to join this forum, but now that you have joined I hope you will continue to share your feelings and read how others have walked their grief walk.  Each one of us have experienced some, if not all of your feelings, and the only way I have learned to walk my lonely road is to take one day at a time and keep breathing.  Some days I still have to remind myself to just take care of today, get through the next hour.  Just know you are not alone.  Dee

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I'm so sorry, Amy, it seems you're living in our world or us in yours.  Just this morning I was telling a friend how much I miss having my husband hold me, laying in his arms at night, talking with him, we really got each other.  And yes I miss the innocence of not knowing how everything can change in the blink of an eye and how that affects us...for the rest of our lives.  We don't take anything for granted anymore.

Welcome here, you'll find this a safe place where we "get it".  And like Dee mentioned, I too have learned to take one day at a time, anything else is too much.

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Everything you said is totally reasonable. Before my partner passed away she lost the love of her life as well, and now I've experienced it. But it gives me hope because even though the love she had for rose was still strong she found me and our love was just as strong in some ways maybe stronger. So there is hope. If she could find someone, so can you ❤️ you may not be ready and that's okay, it's okay if you never are. I may never be even tho I know it's possible. Somehow it doesnt erase the pain. 

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I already found my perfect person, there will be no other.  Plus I’m still in love with him.  At 64 there is no motivation or person in my orbit that can stir those feelings.  You are right, it happens for some and not for others.  It was the hardest thing I had to accept.  Not ever seeing, touching, hearing or interaction again.  My mother remarried but she never spoke of my father again.  It took after her death to get answers to my questions and they came from an aunt I was told was just a good friend.  

I know she loved my stepfather, but she could not have felt the same burying my father in her heart.  

I never thought about it getting stronger as my experience never experienced that except with Steve.  I have found nothing that stops the pain except sleep.....sometimes.  It’s like I even know there what comes when I awaken.  Or rather....doesn’t.

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For everyone I have seen remarry where it worked well, they did not bury their late spouse in their heart, but was more like Steve and Patty where it's a marriage of four rather than two.  My friend, Nancy, that remarried and her husband won't let her speak of her late husband, it's not good.  It helps to marry a widower that understands.

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I think for myself it's still way too early to tell. I miss my partner terribly, I'm not really sure if I hope to find someone again or not. I do feel I already found the perfect person for me, but I also know what makes me happiest is giving my love to others. I suppose as weve all heard so many times. "Time will tell."

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I cannot even conceive of this loss at your young age.  Most of my life has passed already.  I do agree only another will the same experience would understand.  It does become a 4 person relationship.  Time will tell, but it moves so slow.

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Amy, I'm so sorry.  I miss all of that with my husband too.  Death has to be the biggest insult to all of creation.  It cuts so deeply.
What do you do on your best days?  Is there something that you can do that is new, something that doesn't remind you of your love and your loss?  Something that you find fulfilling or adventurous enough to try?  For me, the new things I'm experiencing that don't include thoughts of my husband are helping.

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