Blindsided by my bf of 5years and friend of 10yrs

[JaneM]

This may be long but I am so heartbroken.

My current ex’s mom passed in March 2019 unexpectedly. Me being (28yrs) him (30yrs). I was so close to his mom and family and this hurt me too! My ex wasn’t family oriented so he never really hung out with his mom that much even after I would ask him to take her out he never did. He was never really one to speak about his emotions and this was a struggle in our relationship as he never really communicated as much. When his mom was in the hospital I went everyday to the hospital, did his laundry and sat with him for hours as he cried and vented away, made them food. I feel like I did my absolute best. I taught him to do laundry as he didn’t after words and cook. The months passed by and I noticed he drank more and got more angry at the world. I pleaded he go seek therapy but he was not ready so I let it go. 
It’s mid July and my ex started to act differently and distant and one day stopped texting. I asked him what was wrong and he said he need time as he was depressed and just needed space. I allowed him the space which he took for about a week. (Side note: Keep in mind he had done this a time before in the beginning of the year as he said he felt depressed as he was tired of living in a home that felt more sad (moms illness and constant hospital visits and ambulances). He also claimed since we were having minor fights the relationship is not perfect and fun, so instead he wanted to walk away instead of working through it. yet, he came back. And said sorry he was acting immature and didn’t want to break up, so we work past that.) Once he come back around he said he was sorry and that he just needed space, somehow he was able to go out with his friend to a bar. Things seem to go back to “normal” our 5 year anniversary come around in September and things seemed wonderful. We celebrated together and he wrote such a romantic letter about how I was everything to him and how he was blessed to have a strong wonderful woman by his side. That soon we will be married and have our own place etc... 

Then October comes by and everything changed again he got cold and distant and I noticed through he wasn’t very lovable with me anymore. He started to act like the last time and I asked again what’s wrong. He said he felt like garbage and depressed and needed to to reflect on what needs to change or what he needs to do in order to get better. I told him if he wanted to break up and he said no I don’t want that I just need time to get better as he didn’t want to drag me down along the way and that was causing him guilt. I sadly and understanding said ok I’ll give you time and he agreed to seek Therapy now. He said he is so bad he needs therapy now. He stated this isn’t a goodbye it’s a see you later and that he loved me with all his heart, I was his light that hell be working towards, he still saw everything with me. However, 2 weeks later I receive an email from him stating this is the last time we communicate. He pretty much said he had cheated and now he has to continue his journey alone in learning to be a better man. He said I was perfect and he loved me and that I should keep my head up as I deserved better than him. He also said “tell you family I’m sorry this isn’t the result I intended.” He left the email with i love you Jane, best wishes! Come to find out out later that day my friend sees him at a bar with his friend and 2 girls already and 3 weeks later he seems to be in a relationship already. 

When I saw a picture of him and his new girl (someone that I knew too)  I felt like my blood drained from my body and I was utterly devastated. I cried for weeks and weeks and I feel so humiliated, used, betrayed, i felt everything. How can a guy who said needed time to grief, move on in a matter of weeks from someone he said was his love of his life! I don’t understand. he had always liked me since high school and after high school he would be the one chasing after me time and time again. Finally when things felt right we reunited and this time was for good. He would always tell me he knew deep down inside I was the love of his life and that it felt like a dream to be with me. He loved me so much and put me first always. He would always say how I’m going to be his wife and etc.  Until this year and even more after his moms passing, everything changed. 
 

could it be that he isn’t allowing himself to grieve and just trying to through all his problems under the rug and not confront reality? How can he be in love and in a new relationship after a month of breaking up. Is it real love or a boost in his ego from feeling so much. Why did he push away the one person that was there 24/7 and that he loved so much. I’m so hurt, I feel like my world just shattered and I can’t get up. I feel like they made a fool out of me and fun off. Any advice will help!

 

[kayc]

This is all too common of a grief response, unfortunately.  I'm so sorry.  And now it's you doing the grieving...of the relationship.  

Some people can't do a relationship at the same time as their grief, they don't have it in them.  Yet they go out with their friends and yes even date.  How can that be, you ask...sometimes we remind them of other times when their parent was alive, whereas with someone else they don't have that reminder.  Maybe they just don't have it in them to be stand up people right now.  I don't know, I never would respond this way in grief, and I've had plenty of it in my life.

You deserve better.  I hope you will focus on you and let him be responsible for him.  We can't fix them or help them when they don't want it.

I know none of this makes sense.  It doesn't, it's grief talking and believe me, it's not you.