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TC...I feel so guilty about not being there at the end


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I'm not sure where to start.... TC, our beautiful little black cat....Only 4 years old had to be put to sleep on the evening of 30th December 2019... its only just 2 weeks ago and in some ways it feels longer.... He had been first taken to the vet with a reluctance to jump down off anything...Thats seemed to right itself after a couple of weeks on metacam and some antibiotics when he threw a temperature plus2 weeks "rest" indoors .He was back to normal so he resumed his normal life of sometimes going out but mostly being a home bod....
We got him at a year old from Cats Protecton...He had had a rough beginning....He came from a neglectful multi cat household...hadn't got his share of food and so was quite underweight... When she was asked to give some of the cats up, he headed toward Cats Protection to find a new forever home.... They were full so he was taken to a foster carer for 2 weeks. Then when space became available he was taken to Cat's Protection and put up for adoption. .Two weeks later, (after my daughter and i fell in love with him simply first of all from the website photos)  We as a family visited to choose a cat and  completely fell in love with him upon meeting him.... 2 weeks later he was coming home with us....
He took along time to trust.... and he threw a massive temperature within weeks and ended up being admitted to a hospital for a battery of tests...( i must add that he came with a clean bill of health from cats protection..neutered and microchipped)...They couldn't find a single cause and £2000 later we had him back with us where he proceeded to thrive... He put on weight...and he was our "little boy"... we taught him to "come" by shaking a treat tin full of treats and he would rush in from the fields behind our home to the noise of "sweeties"... He would play "retrieve" when we threw his little white rattly mouse and plod back to us for us to throw it again.... He was very loving but never a lap cat..but he would like to lay on the back of the sofa behind me and groom my head..
I had ALWAYS wanted a cat from being alittle girl so when as a family we decided that we would adopt one it was one of the happiest times of my life.... Everything was rosy in the garden untill about 2 and a half weeks ago when the reluctance to jump returned ... ...So i took him back to the vets..a full blood analysis... and rest...metacam and then on the day after Boxing day his tummy swelled.... I phoned the vet and they said bring him straight down to them... We left him to be ultrasounded and got a call about an hour later to say his tummy was just full of pus... that he needed to be referred  to the hospital as an emergency and then the nightmare began
He was in 2 days..they ultrasounded him more throughly...tried to grow bacteria from the pus... put him on a IV..gave him EVERY cat antibiotic... and eventually afetr finding NO reason at all for this pus's arrival...no tears in his gut..they asked to do an expoloratory operation..." hours later we were told that EVERYTHING inside him was inflamed...ALL his organs were coated in a slime and there was no real hope of recovery and if he did...no real quality of life.... So my daughter and i came to the heartbreaking decision to put him to sleep..His life quality would have been awful otherwise...They believe he had FIV..(feline infectious peritonitis) but that he had been born with an imunity defficiency and that was why it mutated and became so awful..and that also this was why he threw high temperatures...much higher then a normal cat whenever anything was wrong...(like for example when he cut his tongue on something he found outside..probably a can lid as it was a straight cut)
And this is where i CAN'T forgive myself.... we decided that we couldn't face going seeing him like that and saying goodbye...and so my daughter and i made the decision not to be there at the end... But 18 years earlier my husband and i had held out 7 week old daughter in our arms as she took her last breath as she died from menningococcal septiaemia...I did tha!!!....far worse ...that was my child...and i let him down.... I didn't see him because I was scared!!!... I didn't hold him and say goodbye...I didn't let the last things he heard and felt be my touch and my voice because i couldn't face it!!!....
And now..... everyday i cry.... everywhere in the house i see him in my minds eye as he used to be...jumping down from the garden fence and bounding in... seeing him sat curled on the end our bed as he sat waiting for me to awaken... I even run my foot under the covers to hopefully feel the weight of him.....I so want to call out to him when i come home.... I just miss him...my heart feels like its breaking....I thought i would be better once we had him ( his ashes) home.... ( they are beside me in a lovely storage box with the throws so not in my sight as that would be too much)..but its almost like it getting worse..... I like to be out of the house and seeing friends but the moment i walk back in the huge hole he left engulfs me......
Its a sadness i never imagined.... a loss i never dreamed i would feel....
I believe in white feathers...and have lots from my dad and my best friend who died from a brain tumour 2 years ago.... but none from him...does he blame me?...does he feel i abandoned him....please help xxxx


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Oh Hon, your story breaks my heart.  They don't feel we abandoned him, more like we gave them comfort and stopped their pain.  I know how hard it is to have to make the decision to euthanize...the hardest decision in the world, we question everything about it, beat ourselves up, but we wouldn't make that decision without a whole lot of love and concern for them.  We release them to their afterlife, where they no longer suffer...and their pain is now ours as we miss them so much, beyond words to describe.  You gave this cat the best years of his life, a comfortable safe home with lots of love and attention.  What more could he have wanted than that?!

Arlie, Husky/Golden Retriever, was my companion, along with Kitty, and now they are both gone.  It seems so hard that we, who were a family of three is just me now, along with the puppy my son brought me for Christmas.  How can it be that my Arlie was euthanized five months ago tomorrow, and Kitty A week ago last Monday?  She was born the opposite of your cat's situation, with the ability to heal herself, and she always did, right up until she no longer could...she was 25, half her body weight, kidneys and liver shut down.  I never dreamed she'd end up like that but it came so suddenly on Christmas and she was gone Jan. 6.  I don't kick myself for her euthanasia though, it was time, she'd lived a long life and she was so tired.  My bossy little demanding cat could no longer...she cried for peace.

If you've ever watched an animal be euthanized, they're given a sedative and the second shot stops their heart, they go to sleep.  They're so sleepy they're not aware of anything.  You can release yourself from this guilty pain you've felt engulfing you.

I hope you will remember the good life you gave him (he's beautiful, by the way!), one of sanctity and trust, not wondering where his next meal is coming from.  One where he's loved and protected.  Unfortunately we don't have the ability to protect them from everything the way we'd like to.  I couldn't protect my Arlie from cancer, and I couldn't protect Kitty from the ravages of old age.  But we love them, always.



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