Bf ignores me after my mom died

[Heyeveryone]

Hello.

My bf is 23yrs old and i am 20. My mom passed away in November. My world revolved around my mom. She was everything and more to me. I begged my family to let me be buried with her. Thats how much her death devastated me. My bf called me a few hours after she passed and said hed be there for me and that we'd go through it together. He just graduated college and was an international student. He only has a few months to find a job before he is deported and his job search hasnt been going well. He moved two hours from where we went to university together. I understand he has to do what he has to do but i need him so badly. I do not have a good relationship with my family and im not close with them. He said hed be there for me  but when i call he says hes busy or tired and wont talk to me. All i want to do is talk i dont even care if he listens. Hell i just want to sit on the phone in silence most of the time because all i want is to know he'll be there and that he's there. He's living in a shared house and has his own room and i asked him if i could stay with him for a couple of weeks because i just really want to be near him but he told me theres no room. I feel like he hates me. I thought he'd be there for me when i needed him. He gets mad because i want to talk to him everyday. I just dont know what to do. Should I just end it ? 

[Kieron]

I'm really sorry to read about this major loss in your life which I cannot and don't want to imagine.  Having said that, your BF is giving you clear signals that he, too, doesn't want to imagine the pain you are in and from the description, is telling you non-verbally that he doesn't want to discuss it.  Guys are often like that... we tune out rather than verbalize our discomfort.  I think that as much as you'd rather have his support, he's signalling that support is not forthcoming.  Rather, I would suggest you find a professional counselor or therapist with whom you can examine your grief (which is really quite new and fresh), especially since you don't have a good relationship with your own family.  You ask, "should I just end it?" which I interpret to mean the relationship itself.  Maybe not end it, but certainly step back and give him space.  Giving him space will also give YOU space to breathe and start noticing where you are with your grief and loss feelings so you can work through them.  And it is work-- hard work.  I honestly don't think you can do the work with his help, because it doesn't sound like it's going to happen.  So my suggestion is to find someone who will, preferably a professional support, which could include a grief and loss support group in your area.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom.  It seems the younger we are when we go through this, the rougher it feels.  She was there for you and it's hard to imagine life without her.  I imagine you're feeling disenfranchised.

Your BF doesn't sound like he's able to be there for you in the way that you need.  It might help to get grief counseling, if you're in college, it's usually provided.  Other places sometimes charge income based.  Some insurances cover it.  At the very least it might help to go to grief support group, which is usually free.  Often times we do just need someone to listen and care, but it helps if it's someone who understands what it's like to go through it...your BF may not have been through this before and doesn't get it.  It's not necessarily that he doesn't care about you, but until we go through it ourselves, we can't possibly get the magnitude of what it is to lose someone close to you.  My grief support group has become very close as we are going through similar things.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

[Juliet]

I too am going through this and don’t understand it. My mom passed away in November and the guy I’ve been with for nearly 7 years (we also live together and have a 20 month old son), just abandoned me emotionally. The first week following her death he was great, cried with me, did housework, helped with kids, etc. I went back to work a week later and it just fizzled. He went back to “normal” and didn’t check in at all, didn’t ask me how I was doing, nothing. Just slowly pulled away. As the weeks went on I was in a terrible struggle and I confronted him to understand why he was just hanging me out to dry. Literally no response. Instead he grew resentful of me for asking and kept backing away. Fast forward to Jan and he broke up with me after the holidays. Not really an explanation except “my tank is empty”. This is extremely hurtful and evil to me, given my last three months and now I have to find a place for my kids and I to live. I don’t understand AT ALL how someone could do this?! I’ve gotten through the worst of my storm emotionally but he didn’t even wait for the storm to pass. 

[kayc]

@Juliet

Wow, I don't understand guys like this.  My SIL told my daughter on Christmas he's getting a divorce.  They've been together 20 years, married for 10 1/2.  It's like he's an alien we don't even know anymore.

I hope you find someplace soon...how many kids do you have?  Talk to a lawyer, get support enforcement division involved asap so he'll have to pay support.  He can't totally absolve himself from all responsibilities.

I am so sorry for your loss.  It appear he is emotionally unavailable.  Everyone tells my daughter she's better off but she's not feeling that way, she's heartbroken.  I just want to take a bat to him!

[Juliet]

I’m sorry she’s dealing with this too!! It’s so sad especially for kids involved! I feel for her and what she’s going through-it definitely hurts!! Hoping she will find some kind of peace soon and eventually the love she deserves. 

[kayc]

I hope that for both of you.  @Heyeveryone  Update?