My Sanity Needed Vents

[iPraiseHim]

On 10/12/2022 at 5:47 PM, Marg M said:

... Billy will be gone seven years Monday.  We just KOKO as best we can.

I remember. It has been over seven years since Rose Anne died. Most people hardly remember. I will never forget. The intense grief does less over time but the void is still there. A missing part... incomplete...  no longer whole. We learn to live each day with it along with the rest of our days. Much has happened since our helpmate departed yet we continue to press forward each day.  My heart and prayers go with you Marg M.  We continue to travel this journey each day until we are called home. We may not understand this process but know that each of us have touched each others lives in significant ways. Few people genuinely understand the survivors of this type of grief.  Shalom(Peace)

[Gwenivere]

 Woke up today even worse.  I so don’t want to be here anymore.  This med withdrawal is hell and knowing physically I will not improve leaves no reason to keep doing this.  I think about in patient mental care and. don’t know what that could do.  I still haven’t heard from my shrink. I added up the opiates and they are lower than I thought.  I stopped changing the anxiety meds., put them back to what they were.  Very odd he has not called back.  Guess the 3 changes at once he hasn’t an answer for.  I’m seriously thinking of passing on the Covid booster on Thursday as I never leave the house and Dee got hers.  I called my financial advisor and it’s pathetic what the stock market has done to everything.  Never taken such hits ever.   
 

Had an appointment with my regular doctor.  As always, what he considers easier to do than they are.  It’s so easy for them to throw out things to do not knowing how hard they can be.  I’m not young or in good shape like they are.  Sometimes I wonder if they can even conceive what this feels like.  My doc sometimes gets impatient and I have to remind him this is something he’s never experienced.  

my north cedar fence is falling apart.  We were going to try and cheap repairs. Think I’ll just get chain lin and call it good.  This won’t withstand the winter.  Plus easier.  

Hoping  I don’t wake up feeling like life’s over today.  That was truly scary.

 

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Marg M said:

You want some of what they are cooking?  Get your portion

She had them apportioned and dished them up.

19 hours ago, MartyT said:

I think there's a reason why we have kids when we're young, Kay!

Mine came without the drama.  I never had this much noise in my house!

 

[kayc]

12 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Few people genuinely understand the survivors of this type of grief.

For sure.

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I called my financial advisor and it’s pathetic what the stock market has done to everything.  Never taken such hits ever.   

It's unreal.  Losing $ faster than you can blink.

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Hoping  I don’t wake up feeling like life’s over today.  That was truly scary.

  I'm definitely in survival mode.  The air and my tongue/throat issue has my BS up higher than it's been since doing Keto.  It's depressing.  I tell myself I'm not a failure, I have worked so hard at this, I don't EVEN want to hear what the doctor has to say at my next A1C!  Let HIM lose weight and do this!  Most people would be in their 90s eating what I do.  I can't let it control my outlook.  I have not once cheated in three years!  I have stuck to this, doing under 20 carbs/day, often under 7.  I could be Carnivore and still get my readings because it's not linked to what I'm eating but circumstances beyond my control.  So today I have to take the 129 and be good with it.  

Air was over 1100 yesterday.

[Gwenivere]

I’m so sick of tracking this and that daily.  I know you have the same frustration.  T gets so wearing.  Ad in my docs not really getting it and I just want to-scream at them.  Meanwhile life stuff like fences, dead van batteries, and indecision on this latest COVID booster tug at me too.  
 

Watching my resources eep shrinking is very unsettling.  My planner says this is the worst it’s been in decades.  You get used to a comfort zone.  This fence is going to be a big hit.  But it’s nt something I have to get done for the winter.  I haven’t had the deck cleaned or sealed for 2 years.  Also not good.  Dee cleared the  bathroom sink and said itI don’t show appreciation.  I don’t know what that means.  I’ve always thanked her profusely.  Probably means a long discussion.  *sigh*. Always a big production.  Wow, amazingly not needed!  
 

Supposed to have a shower today. Of course nature caught up with my digestion yesterday. Hoping not a problem today.  Canceled housekeeper this coming Friday as I have been told ito get it and expect to feel awful as I I always do. Hope I get lucky and get Phizer.  Seems Moderna has worse side effects.  Then a quick spoons of PB land counseling.

OFf to bedtime rituals.  The a abate lunch and counseling.  Have a winter lounge shirt come y the weekend when we finally get some rain..

Morning to all.

[KarenK]

Gwen, time to tape a sticky note with "Thank You" to the bathroom faucet and call it done. I doubt she thanks you for every little thing.

[kayc]

I don't see the cause for discussion with her Gwen, it's not like she'll retain any of it.  Geez!  It's part of living there, being a contributing member to the household.  The fact you do thank her is way more than enough!   I'm beginning to see why she needed a place to stay in the first place.  I'm sorry you're in such a hard spot, this is tough, more than!

Air 1300 yesterday, worst in nation, breaking records.  Winter coming, down to 40s/50s this weekend, will need a fire in the wood stove but how to build one without letting smoke in the house...IDK.  Rain coming possibly Friday on.  We are in a world of hurt folks.  BS 118 this morning, that's up 20 pts.  From breathing this smoke and the stress of it all.  Throat hurts all the time, can't breathe.  And I do my best to only open the door to feed Panther, or let Kodie out, masked up.

Have to see the doctor tomorrow to get a refill and referrals, used to do by just calling them!  With gas this high, that's an issue.

Little sister in hospital after 5 nights no sleep, going to Urgent care twice, and Emergency three times!  Been there two nights, hoping they find what's causing her pain!  They were to even do a brain scan yesterday!  If they did one on me they wouldn't find much.  It's not working with the smoke over-saturation...

 

 

 

 

[Kieron]

Karen said it much more tactfully than I would have managed.

[Gwenivere]

Thank you for the input.  It’s very hard needing her.  She usually is so very kind and it’s the repeating and memory probs. The arguments are what’s abnormal when they happen.  Her expression of love and anger are very different than I’ve ever seen.  There’s something off anyway, but the Spanish/Russian combo is intense. It’s that she’s IN love with me I feel too.

Had  a shower.  Getting my Covid booster and counseling today.  Not sleeping well at all.  Dee’s been having to make me get out of bed.  Even tho I don’t enjoy it, it’s better tha n full consciousness.  But I can accomplish some things.  I want to find out what my tax refund is as I want to get my shower friend a basic inexpensive laptop as she lost her's when she quit so she can’t get pictures from her kids in Africa.  She must not have a smartphone.  
 

Getting late.  Lots t be stuck in my head I wish wasn’t..  Good day for counseling.

 

 

 

[kayc]

My little sister presented at Urgent Care after no sleep, severe pain, sent her home.  Again in 24 hours.  Again at ER next three days!  FINALLY they admitted her after five tries!  There she's been, last several days.  She'd told them it was from Shingrix vaccination, they said, oh no, it's not that.  Yes, it is.  She has Guillain-Barr Syndrome from Shingrix.  It could be temporary or the rest of her life, but it's severe. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/guillain-barre-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20362793  My heart breaks for her.  So glad her husband is there with her!  She's only 61.  They had to cancel their trip to Peru in a week.

Yesterday was George and my anniversary.  I didn't say anything, I wanted to just quietly get through it.  Nothing changes anything anyway. 

AQI in 1200s yesterday.  Weather turning cold, high of low 40s this week daytime.  Not improving.  Wondering how I'm to build fires without getting smoke in the house from outside, ugh.  Holding off as long as possible but know it's coming very soon...this little heater can't heat the whole house when it's that cold, no matter how warm I dress, I'm freezing.  We're going to go from smoke to snow but they may very well overlap. 

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I want to get my shower friend a basic inexpensive laptop as she lost her's

That is so sweet and I'm sure it will mean the world to her!  Someone on my other grief site sent me one during last month's evac (mailed to my son's but I came home from my daughter's, so just got it at last evac and set it up, will have to pay for Office 365 membership, ugh, as no way to put the discs on it...will cross that bridge when it comes).

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

[Gwenivere]

That is a wonderful gift Kay.  I’ve always believed in paying things forward when we can.  I know her doing my showers cuts into her very little down time.  She’s doing this for 2 other people from the company she quit that treated her badly and she was going to pick up work to save for it.  I just hope the IRS comes thru quick or I’ll take the hit and wait.  Going to see if my CPA has any idea how long. 
 

Just got my COVID booster and am feeling weird.  I knew this would happen and I got the Moderna which is worse.  I began feeling weird within the 15 minutes   Supposed

to be worse sleeping and tomorrow.  My mail order RX's were wrong.  Messaged in for that.  Need to have another doc refer in for regular flu shot to add to others home bound so maybe they will do that.  Nurse said many patients were asking.  Went thru piles o.f rehab paper work that went into the recycle.
 

Already have my call list going for today.  I’m sure more will come in.  Dee did all my pills including morning which is 3 weeks instead of 1.  Makes her testy.  I asked if she could just remember my brain is compromised  and try to be nicer.  Asked and she said she’d do better.
 

Working up to a 5 phone calls today already.today.  I haven’t even gotten up yet.  This ought to be interesting or top of the booster shot.  

[kayc]

Air was 1200+ yesterday, had to go to the doctor, get referrals to a closer dermatologist and an ENT, it's been nearly two years since my mysterious thrush looking throat and inflamed tongue glands appeared, it's never gone away but right now between that and the smoke, my blood sugar is elevated about 20 points for fasting BS.  Daytime it's up maybe 10 points.  It has me concerns.  Doctor had better not give me any guff about my A1C next time!  Doing my best!  I told him, in three years I have not "cheated" once!  I've stuck to it, lower than most people.  I think I could do Carnivore or take meds and STILL have the same results!

I agree, we pay it forward when we can, why I got my daughter's divorce through!  My sister Polly paid for mine with John (he'd already taken everything there WASN'T to take and then some!).  I can't imagine having $ to buy someone you've never met a laptop!  But to be open to doing something like that, that was amazing!

Also got doctor to prescribe a cream for my eczema, last filled in 2014 but I'm eking the last bit out of the tube!

After watching what my little sister's going through I'd think twice about the shots, now she tells me she got not only the Shingrix but the flu shot...I've already had them but with this bit of knowledge. huh-uh!!!  Wishing you well and don't want to scare you, this IS rare, so rare they don't list it on the side effects, still, she wishes she'd had any idea before getting it so she could have NOT gotten it!  

 

[kayc]

It started raining about an hour ago!  The whole town is feeling celebratory!

I got 4 wheelbarrows of wood up on the deck, may build a fire in the wood stove tomorrow...it'll be a high of 43, lows in the 30s this week.

[Gwenivere]

Totally packed day on the phone.  Tried using my headset, but the hair clips made it difficult.  It’s a the start of true fall/.winter,.  I managed to get everything done but a phone call.  Broke out my winter slippers, new flannel nightshirt and lap electric blanket.  
 

I expected to feel worse after the COVID booster Thursday.  Yesterday I just didn’t sleep well and had a headache all night.  My tax refund came in and t was  more than the CPA estimated.  Means my fence and laptop for my shower aide are definitely covered.  I’d like to pick one out and have it be a big surprise, but don’t know what else se wants to do with it.  

Another weekend that always feel longe.  Perhaps less calls.   Can do some personal email.  I’m not really into that much anymore.  Just here and websites.  Don’t like talking on the phone personally either, like Zoom.  Sure feel very changed from this isolation.  An extroverts worst enemy. 
 

Game then bed time.  Pressure sore still hanging in there.  Withdrawal going strong.   Having too much fun.
 

 

[kayc]

Gwen, that is great news about your taxes!  I'm glad your fence and shower person are covered.  Aww the bright spots in our lives...don't our priorities change as we age!

You're not a kidding the season changed suddenly!  It POURED all night!  They predicted 35 last night so I built a fire...house got up to 80 and it's definitely burning too hot so will let it go out this morning...apparently need colder weather, it only got down to 45.  So they predict a high of 43 today, ha!  Will be 50, I bet!  Flash Flood Warning.  Rain for the next umpteen days.  I'll don rain pants and coat when I take Kodie out.  Slept awful last night, rain woke me up, Kodie barking at Panther at the door woke me up, laid there for hours trying to get back to sleep, finally slept an hour then woke up...bladder.  Ha!

Julie got released from hospital yesterday.  Dana went to take care of business and she fell and couldn't get herself back up.  Don't know how long she laid there.  She needs a medic alert.  She needs to learn to walk all over again.  And they have a stairs, I reckon she won't be helping with the business anymore.  I am so sorry for her!  She seems to have a positive attitude about it all but I imagine she has times it gets to her, esp. now that she's home and no one waiting on her.

This morning's air quality!  (And my BS dropped to 110, yay, I'll take it)!

[Gwenivere]

I was posting in another topic about Steve and it brought me to tears.  It was in reply to one of Marg's about how deep our loves were for our soulmates.  After all these years it is always at the surface.  I want to do a couple personal emails and get them over with.  There are a couple of you here I’ve emailed with and I feel terrible I haven’t written.  I prefer Zoom being so homebound.  I’m going to try harder because a lot don’t care for it.  I like seeing faces.  

Dee found another thing to be pissed off about, actually more.  This has taken up the whole evening.  Kicked off by Philomena being here when she got here.  
 

I gave Philomena the money for a computer and she was so happy.  It was exactly the amount she needed.  So no more extra job.  Feels good to pay it forward.  I forgot my property taxes will come out too.  So the new fence might hurt a bit.  Has to be done tho.  
 

I didn’t wake up until the alarm yesterday.  It was horrible.  No time to prepare for the reality I have to live in.  I know I will never get better.  Know I have to make a  decision how much longer exit this kind of life.  It’s  a joke even calling  it that.  
 

 

 

[kayc]

So glad she was happy with the $ for the laptop.  I love your "paying it forward."  Such a good vibe to carry!

[Widow2015]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

I gave Philomena the money for a computer and she was so happy.

Gwen:  You are so kind to help your "shower friend" keep in touch with her family with the cash gift.  You have a BIG HEART. ♥️ Hugs, Dee.

[Gwenivere]

I feel a ittle odd about Philomena, probably because I’ve never done that before.  She was  so happy tho.  I donate more modest amounts to groups Steve and I chose decades ago and still do.

I woke up early thinking about all the meds I’m addicted to now.  How controlled my life is by that.  It makes me very angry on top of this ruined body.  How no one gets it.  Just comments about how many pills I take.  They don’t feel the withdrawals.   I’m at their mercy.  There is none.  
 

Found some good news.   My property taxes cleared so my tax refund won’t be totally affected. by the new fence.  I’m hoping that is the case.   Fences are pricey.  I’m very annoyed the estimator did not show up.  A nurse is coming by not long after I get up to assess the pressure sore.  Ought to be interesting as I’m so shaky.  Thursday is gonna be tough too with almost back to back Zoom calls for trying to fit a lunch in there.  

Another week begins.  It’s a B12 injection week.  I need to figure  out my dose is in an insulin uni5 needle.  Those hype me  up.  Another last thing I need.  I think I’m still having COVID booster symptoms.  It’s been4 days and things feel  really weird.  The  nurse said this could happen.  This kind of luck I  could live without.  
 

Been enjoying watching Yellowstone on disc.  No commercials  and gorgeous horses.   It’s amazing what they can be trained to do.  All with grace and dignity.  I like to think about something while going to sleep.  A good one to you all.

 

 

 

[KarenK]

I love Yellowstone being a big Kevin Costner fan. I'm disappointed that 1883 is on a pay channel like so many good shows now. I thought about getting Paramount+ next year when our SS raise comes through, but my cable company doesn't offer it. I read that another spinoff is in the works during the 1930's timeframe.

The many doctors you have seen have done you a disservice by giving you so many medications. I know my BP meds are necessary, but I sort of wish I'd never started with the Tramadol. It is what works for my headaches and also has a bit of a calming effect, but creates a dependency. I only take half the dose, but skipping it for more than a day makes me a nervous wreck on the inside. Definitely not good.

I finally caught the cold I've been chasing for a week due to the weather change I think. Tried heading it off with orange juice, but it didn't work.

I've been watching a 12 part miniseries about Mata Hari. A little hard to follow, but interesting. Really didn't know much about her except that she was a spy.

[kayc]

I got exposed to two people who said they are "sick" yesterday, could have done without that.  I'm sorry you got something Karen.  Air Quality headed back up this morning, not a lot, but we'll see what today brings.  

I haven't seen anything about Mata Hari, must be interesting.

So glad that your property taxes had cleared, Gwen!

I've been collecting birds' nests for years, had to toss out 5 that Panther laid on and ruined.  Sad...put the others in a basket, hoping he stays out of them!

[KarenK]

What do you do with the nests, Kay? I always heard that birds carried a lot of diseases?

Drat on the air quality! I thought the rain might make it better.

[Gwenivere]

Karen, I see Tramadol is a narcotic so the dependency makes sense.  It sucks that what can help us creates a whole 'nuther problem.  Really frustrates me.  I don’t like the side effects and if I could get out of here, I don’t know if I could trust my driving.  I get Yellowstone/Paramount with my Direct TV.  That sucks that your provider wants more money for it.  
 

I knew it was too good to be true to be true that Dee could go more than a day without finding something to get pissed off.about.  Doesn’t matter why, it makes things so tense.  She threatens me with not doing  my meds. I called Philomena to not ever say anything about the gift if she was around.   She also gets upset if Philomena is not wearing a mask, tho she doesn’t around me.  Way too much on that topic.  I wish I could explain it better as she can be an angel.  Beyond thej cost and few days a company would cost and truly caring for her.   Know you think I’m nuts.  Definite possibility.  
 

spent all day on the phone. Only thing I couldn’t get doe was an endocrinology appointment.   I spent 45 minutes on hold.  Had so many other calls to make plus I had an emergency digestive event.  Took me 4 times to pin my h air up.  A most frustrating day.  They all are.

 I’m seeing my carpets need to be cleaned.  They are so matted down.  It’s been maybe 3 years and I did yearly.  Couch needs it too.  Melody's bed and toy baske are here.  I don’t want to remove them.  It’s too painful.   Too real.  My baby isn’t here. 😓

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, this is all just so wrong! I know there are no easy solutions, but you need to send her packing for your own self preservation. Controlling you with threats is not a sign she cares for you, no matter how much of an "angel" she acts at times. People like this are very good at hiding their true nature. She is too unpredictable and she is using you. I know it's none of my business, but I am very worried about you.