My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

They are working on the hence now.  Luckily Dee was hear as they don’t speak English well and stopped them replacing a much larger area that can wait and saved me $2000.  I did call the l lifeline company to report the rep that was rude.  I got a supervisor who gave me her direct number and her number for any problems going forward which is very nice.

I’ve been dealing with Social Security as it looks like my increase is eaten away by two charges.  One I understand, the second I do not as it says 'other is voluntary taxes withheld you get back in your refund.  I have to call the CPA for advice.  Took hours to get that answer on the phone SS.  
 

2 Zoom appointments today.  Woke yesterday flooded by thoughts of Melody.  Her face, eyes, feeling her fuy, seeing her out her paw to shake.  I wanted to sob.   

I keep being reminded every day how I could never Be on my own.  It’s an awful feeling.  I can’t imagine not ing in this house despite how much it has changed.   I never would have tolerated all the clutter created by my medical condition nor a roommate.  Tho Dee hasn’t really moved in.  It’s just piles of baggage.  I haven’t been helpful making room in the closets and drawers.  I’m so caught up in this pain.  Plus I want this place back as it was a family.

Sleep takes me back in time.  Not in a good way.  No coherency check.  Just praying I et thru today.

[kayc]

8 hours ago, kevin said:

Got to walk down 10 steps to coax her out for bathroom

Ha, I thought I was the only one had to coax my pup, mine gets sidetracked, wants to go have fun instead of doing his business.  Going to be a problem when it's deeper as I have a slippery slope to the front yard that's fenced!

Gwen, wow, glad you stopped them!  Isn't there an agreement going into the fence replacement with a quote?

Please don't talk to me of clutter, can't do anything about it if I wanted to!

And Karen, unreal you're running A/C, I'm building fires!  Wood stove running too high for some reason, have to regulate with opening patio door, but it means I'll go through more wood this winter too.  Was hoping all the stuff my son did would take care of that, ugh.  It was 30 most of the day yesterday, and we've just started.  Kevin, 19, ugh!

 

[Gwenivere]

Seems everywhere I turn are changes.  My housekeeper won’t be back in another 2 weeks either.  P Get a different one the next 2 times provided she stays on.  I hope she does. I’m so tired of change.  Now i have to find another counselor to start with  April of next year.  I have issues but h have to add. grief and age and cho chronic pain.  Ironically the loss of my counselor.
 

Had an appointment with my surgeon's PA saying the pain meds are essential for the past surgery.  That no one can live in this pain 24/7.  I don’t know why they don’t prescribe and inquired until I can talk to a more specialized surgeon as my other does not p do these for the parameters that have to be met. I may not even meet them.  All I know for sure is I can’t continue. continue like this.  I’ll be totally d3pendent for all movement.  Eventually wheelchair bound with chronic pain to the mix.   I
 

Dee's on another tirade.  Claims she hasn’t been drinking.  Really into anger at me.  Ruined her life, can’t be around me, broke her heart. I offered to try and help her get the heater heater fixed in her car and she went off.  Has had nothing to do with m e tonight except dropping comment's inflicting pain.  Very dramatic.  Looks of hatred when she passes by.  I don’t see how she’s ever had a rational argument and I’ve been in so many.  Still judging my personal business.  Wasted too much time even writing this.

Don’t know what today will bring in general.  So much to process.  Biggie being is this life worth living.  

 

 

[kayc]

Wow, this is too much for any one person.  You need a live in caregiver but not Dee, someone who will do it in exchange for room/board, but someone amiable, not this. 

I missed your telling us your housekeeper could be gone indefinitely!  I'm so sorry!  And to have to deal with finding another counselor, that is a biggie, you've been with yours so long.  Yes, why won't the surgeon prescribe pain pills for you?  Esp. as he understand you need them!

Watched her put in the cabin air filter yesterday, will try it myself next time and save myself the $, at least they charged me $54, a lot less than the dealer would have, can get one for $10 on Amazon, may have to buy prime, I've resisted so far, the price keeps going up!

[Margm]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee's on another tirade.  Claims she hasn’t been drinking.  Really into anger at me.  Ruined her life, can’t be around me, broke her heart. I offered to try and help her get the heater heater fixed in her car and she went off.  Has had nothing to do with m e tonight except dropping comment's inflicting pain.  Very dramatic.

Really, really, none of my business, but is this woman kin to you?  Does she frighten you.  If you dismissed her would you be afraid she would retaliate?  I know a woman's mission place, you could help someone out that really needs a caretaker's job, and would appreciate it.  Just my feelings.  Maybe Dee is a friend from your past.  Kind of seems like she needs to stay somewhere in the past.  If you needed to, you could get arrangements with police to keep her away.  She makes life harder for you rather than easier.  (Again, not my business)

[Gwenivere]

Thank you al for your concern.  As usual Dee was back t herself today and what had set her off was something she remembered I said under the influence of anesthesia  She looked it p and found people don’t know what they say or forget it which was my case.  This doesn’t cover all the problems we’ve had tho.  

Got mail about my Direct TV.  Thought they were going to force me to get internet on my DVR but it’s to upgrade the box in Dee's room.  I would have been forced to get a smart TV, speakers and my amp for radio and speakers for big sound during movie TV tive.  I know they will force me to one someday.  
 

trying to figure out how to do daylights savings with my meds and sleeping.  I can’t remember what they did in rehab.  My Brookstone clocks for sleep don’t automatically do it anymore.  
 

Still feeling sick after eating.  Too tired to write more.  So thrown by yesterday with the surgeon and Dee.  Time will mess me up today and a shower tomorrow.  Medical snags with med combos came up yesterday too.  Let the weekend begin.

[kayc]

@MargmDee is a friend of Gwen's that stays with her and helps her out but she drinks and when she does, it's a problem.

Pouring rain during the night!  The winter weather warning is on until 10 pm tomorrow.  Supposed to have winds to 55 mph 1 pm on today through tomorrow.  Tomorrow doesn't look to be a good day, with DST change, potluck at church (a ton of dishes & cleanup for me to do), when I get home the storm will have arrived, snow/wind, will need to take Kodie to his playdate, hopefully the storm won't be as bad as they say, don't look forward to going out in that.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks Kay.  Marg, Dee is someone I met that took care of the house when I was in rehab and we had been becoming friends before that.  I knew she was a recovering alcoholic.  She’s slipped a few times and is a very cruel drunk.  I don’t have any fear she would physically hurt me.  But the emotional damage is horrible.  Steve was a functional alcohol.  She also is a great caregiver and friend when sober.  It’s a complicated situation.  she was off the rails a couple times last night again for those in the know.  Angry, then fine….repeat over and over.  Cruel and apologetic.  
 

Things continue to get complicated and depressing.  Had a neighbor over I hadn’t seen in over a year come to change an outside bulb.  Found out he just lost both his dogs so he is alone.  We talked a lot about that, with Melody not being here, and how empty your world becomes.  He can’t put away the beds and toys either.  Said it was hard walking over without them.  He’s in heavy grief.  He’s a hermit but they were everything.  

Busy week with nurses, satellite people, shower, counseling.  Have to  battle with my shrink and know I’ll lose.  3 docs talking about me and I don’t know what is said.   Conflicts when I do find out.  And this is a good time to cut my anxiety meds?  No credit for the headway I’ve made on the opioid.  
 

Daylight Savings pulled off successfully!  I did the bedroom clocks in the bedroom in the afternoon and the rest right after dinner.  I’m not sure if I’ll take advantage of the extra sleep time.  Maybe half an hour but that will make the withdrawals worse.  I truly hope the state opts next year.  This is nuts now.  The war is long over that started this mess.  I think I’ve vented before on this.  Thank you oxycodone. 
 

Pouring now.  Definite late fall night.  
 

[KarenK]

Finally shut off the AC, although it's supposed to be 80 on Monday. Weather can't make it's mind up. Fired up the furnace just for cool times at night. I'm just so acclimated to heat that anything below 70 makes me cold. As much as I'd love to live in the mountains, this old body would freeze up in winter.

Just finished a 10 part miniseries that you might like, Gwen. It's from 2014 and called "Gracepoint", a murder mystery that keeps you guessing.

[kayc]

Karen, it's amazing how much our body acclimates, but it gets harder when we age I think.  My wood stove has been getting it too hot, it's not responding like it used to a couple years ago, I have to open the patio door to regulate temp. when I'm burning it on high the first 20 min. after loading it.  Then I leave it open after shutting the stove down so it has time to adjust beforehand without killing me with heat!  Panther has taken that time to come to the screen and play with Kodie, it is so funny to watch them!  He feels safer, I'm sure, with the screen or fence, as he likes to play with him in the front yard with the fence inbetween. 

Gwen, I'm so sorry about your neighbor also losing his dogs, so hard!  My world revolves around Kodie, and now includes Panther, but esp. Kodie.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  What I did without Arlie, and that was very tough.  The transition when I got Kodie was relatively easy, even though he was only two months.

So you were addicted to Oxycodone?  That's tough, but I don't see how they expect you to go cold turkey without your anxiety meds, seems you need something and yes, they need to give you credit for all you've been through, absolutely!  You need an advocate, like I was for my sister Peggy!  I went to bat for her with doctors, social workers, etc, and I must say, I did a great job, getting her back home, it was no easy feat!  It would have killed her to stay at Marquis, it was horrible.  At least at home she could eat what she wanted and adhere to her own schedule and see her neighbors when they'd drop in.

[Margm]

If your friend provides companionship and some help, it seems like your making adjustments, as we all have to do, with our live in companions.  I guess it makes the day, certainly more interesting.  Feel sorry for your neighbor.  I don't know how we will all handle things if Kelli loses Nawlin's.  She is getting quite deaf and cannot see very well either. (Nawlin's, her pup). Her bones make her yip with pain when she tries to jump up on anything or down from anything.  Being less than probably 10 pounds, she will still wander off unless someone stays close to her.  No fun being an elderly pup either.  

I used to type the pain clinics and most of the problems were in getting off the oxy after the back operations.  They would put them on methadone, which I think is addictive too.  I remember my dad not taking it because he didn't want to get addicted, even though he was terminal.  I gave Billy so many one night I knew I was going to harm him, but they didn't touch his pain and he had to have morphine.  New drugs all the time but no one can work miracles and do away with the pain without an addictive medicine.  So, they let patient's hurt.  And, if they were in the patient's shoes, they would find it somehow.  Quality vs. quantity of life.

I'm sorry medical science has failed us in so many ways and most residents must take a class on having hard hearts, so they can obey the law made by men who do not hurt at all.  

Watching "Grey's Anatomy" the other night, Addison made a heartfelt rage against the lawmakers that tie the hands of the doctors.  

We vote Tuesday.  I do not expect miracles, only more of the same.  

I would imagine Dee makes life more amusing than terrible.  You seem able to handle her.  I hope you are able to untangle the medical web we all live in and find some help.  

Our weather is cool, not cold.  Very much humid feeling without the rain or snow.  I think if you watch TV news you see the "matchstick" houses from the tornadoes.  I'm so glad it wasn't here, but our hearts go out to the hurricane hit areas and the many insurances that will not help them.   

[Gwenivere]

I’m still addicted to oxycodone.  That’s my huge anger.  It’s side effects are terrible.  It’s something I was not well informed on over a year ago.  They should have dropped it down within a few weeks.   They didn’t even lower it or change to something not so powerful.  
 

The situation with Dee is way too complicated.  I again told her this has to stop.  I will not do this anymore.  This time I was stern and unyielding.  She apologized again, but actions have to happen. 
 

I couldn’t find the series you recommended on Netflix, Karen.  That’s the only way I could get i it without streaming.  Thank you, tho.  We go for AC when it gets mid 80's.  

I've been getting bad headaches for hours after getting up.  I think it’s from not moving at all until about an hour before I have to actually get up.  It could also be the oxycodone.  I know it’s giving me tremors and really affecting my memory.  I thought it was 15mg. , but it’s 11.25mg.  using more nicotine lozenges doesn’t help either.

Guess I’m a little stressed out.  

[KarenK]

I guess our tv channel access is different, Gwen. Cox has an on demand feature that has access to non pay channels like tubi, pluto, peacock. I watched Gracepoint on tubi. I can't afford Netflix and can't use streaming as the device is not compatible with all the electronics we have here. I really have plenty to watch as is, just not the newest movies.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Margm said:

I would imagine Dee makes life more amusing than terrible.  You seem able to handle her.  I hope you are able to untangle the medical web we all live in and find some help.  

I would say it's very stressful, all the ups and downs!  Too much to continue to navigate on top of the pain.

Gone 5 hours to church, was worn out from all the dishes/cleanup, but got home, took Kodie to his playdate, fixed eggs for dinner and was asleep by 7!  My body still thinks it's 8.

 

[Gwenivere]

Karean, I have stand alone apps for Tubi, Pluto and Peacock.   Since they aren’t on my Direct TV line up, I’d have to watch it on my iPad.  Now that I’m home I want to watch shows on the big TV.  I used this in rehab for special shows to escape the boring cable.

Got a call from my shrink and he is cutting ANOTHER anxiety med.  That makes 3 all at once.  I was bathroom occupied so called him back and left a message saying I found that a harsh thing to do.  I should have said cruel.  He’s going on vacation so gawd knows what instructions he left for who is covering.  Spent about an hour with my insurance for a bill coded wrong and should be zero as I met my yearly deductible.  Now I can’t find my insurance card!  I’m a wreck.  I don’t even care about any of this.  I don’t want to wake up anymore.  Doing a shower tomorrow just sounds more hassle than it’s worth.   
 

Dee lost it again last night.  Then she over overdoes the apology.  

Nee d to get to bed rituals.  Got a late start with that drama.

Hoping I can do a shower today.  Too many bathrooms incidents that could interfere.  Miss the good old days they felt great.  
 

Pored a. Lot yesterday.  Made up for the last few months.  Nurse. coming out tomorrow so have lots to run by them.  

[KarenK]

I hear you about watching tv, Gwen. I could watch things on the Kindle, but much prefer the tv, plus I'm usually reading a book on the Kindle while I watch tv.

Sounds like the situation with Dee is not improving. Can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I frequently see ads for "Home Instead" for caregivers. Looks like it might fit your needs. Just something for you to check out. Is Dee still planning her trip?

Hope all goes well with your shower.

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 Now I can’t find my insurance card!

Should be able to go to their website, download and print a copy of it and call them and have them send another one.  I have a copy on my desktop just in case.

No words for your shrink. 

It's been so cold this week, I literally freeze on our walks!  It says 30 but feels 15, must be the wind chill and there's a lot of moisture in the air.  Woke up to snow this morning, not a lot, mostly my ramp and in front of the carport.

 

[Gwenivere]

Hired caregivers are a problem for the various times I need them.  Late night and bedtime.  I can do things, but help speeds things up.  Plus they work in blocks of time, like 3 hours.  Dee’s trip won’t be happening because the very elderly man paying passed away.  I called and requested a new insurance card.  No problem there.  My shrink is alternating between my 2 anxiety meds, so that’s a little better.  Eventually he will be of no use.  I want to stay on the doses that have worked for decades.  A bridge to cross when I get there.

Got my shower.  Everything seems to hurt more.  I know it’s a lot that I wake every day knowing my life will never improve.  It’s a fact.  I can draw it out in this state and wait thrU further decline.  It’s a monumental choice.  
 

My doctor is still cutting my pain meds each month.  I need to tell him ahhhhhgain I don’t care what books and studies say, these are very powerful and have to go slower.  I’ve talked to a neighbor and my cousin who went thru this and it took a long time.  They weren’t doing 2 other meds at the same time too.  
 

Have a. Nurse coming out today.  I asked if I could get a flu shot and she said she’d bring one.  Another little task off my list.  I look at my list and it’s pathetic.  Nothing outside of this house and very little inside.  Wander around wishing the time would go by faster.  It’s not very comfortable, but I prefer sleep.  Doesn’t seem I dream anymore.  Nothing to inspire any.  When I do anymore, it’s of the past.  Painful, happy memories.  Wow, it’s Steve's birthday today.  He’d be 71.  Won’t meet for another 4 years and change both our lives for what we thought would be intense for a little while.  Sure turned out differently.  
 

Happy Birthday, my love. ❤️

[KarenK]

I really have no idea how the caregiving industry works. This place says they customize the care to the patient's needs, but that may not be entirely true. Let's face it. There's probably not too many nutty people like us that keep these crazy hours, except in places like Vegas.

[kayc]

I have been awake since 2 am, got up at 3 am and started my day.  You probably went to bed when I got up.  Fire didn't last until 6 am when I usually load so had to load at 5 and add some to it midday.  So I guess that's how it'll be this winter again, wood is too dry to last and it's 28 again.  Looks like it will start warming up a tiny bit over the next week, not tonight though, 27.

That is so sad the man died before they made their trip.  At least he died looking forward to it, same as my sister did.

There should be caregivers that work late at night!  I know my daughter would.  She was always a bit of a night owl too.  From the time she was a baby.

I guess his alternating between two anxiety meds is more promising than cutting them both at once.  You still have to wonder...

Happy Birthday to Steve!  However he celebrates (if they do).  Something we never forget.

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Won’t meet for another 4 years and change both our lives for what we thought would be intense for a little while.

?

 

[brat#2]

Happy Birthday Steve, Gwen I know these "special" days can be so hard.  Sending hugs!!

[Gwenivere]

 Thank you, Joyce.  I never forget, but it’s harder being so in need of help, both physically and mentally.  That’s not news for most everyone here.

 I told Dee when I got up and she shrugged it off.  A day that has to do with her 2 people is consuming.  So that was hard to take.  I know that comes from her wanting me to feel that kind of love for her.  I try and be as giving as I can when it’s tough for her.  
 

I'm glad I have counseling today.  It’s so hard waking to know you’ll never really go out again.   Not unless it’s dire medical.  I can’t load my walker in and out of the house nor wear many street clothes.  I’m not sure my shoes still fit now that I’m wearing thicker ones for winter   Plus the oxygen.  It’s the loss of choice that is so hard to take.  I see why people fade away.  Emails, Zoom and phone calls just don’t cut it when you’re physically removed from the world.  My hermit friend and Dee find it too draining.  I thrived n it.  Freedom.  I recall being busy and feeling so good.   Days trapped by snow or Christmas drove me crazy. 

A nurse came by and sad my hip is looking much better, got my flu shot and to keep an eye on my eye.  She’ll be be back next week to see where things stand.  
 

Getting seriously cold at night now.  Hate it get dark so early.  Long way till it turns around December 21st.  This is when getting up at noon works against me.  Tho I’m using more lamps anyway.  

[KarenK]

Why couldn't Dee help you with the walker and oxygen and drive you somewhere just to get out of the house(if you trust her driving with all the drinking)? Sweats are fine for street clothes. You won't know if you can do it until you try. Just a thought....

[kayc]

I'd wondered that too, just a drive or even to go through a drive through and pick up a sundae!  Definitely need to when the Christmas lights are up.  I know, I never do fun things anymore.  My life is blasé.   I get out and go to town once every 2 or 3 weeks for groceries or doctor visit, but that's not fun, and the Hwy is dangerous.

My heel is bothering me since Sunday, it hurts but I don't see anything, kind of scary, being diabetic.  Using Epsom salts now...if I tried to see my doctor, it'd be a couple weeks, then they'd refer me to a podiatrist, and the referral/appt. would be another month, then I'd be snowed in, I know the routine.  Since there isn't much to see, no sliver, etc., IDK.

[Margm]

I definitely am knocking on wood (and I hope you all understand that old adage).  I do pay more attention to my forgetting things.  I can remember years ago, even when I was a child, almost like I was still there.  My four month checkup (don't know why four months), was so good that I forgot his nurse had slipped in a flu shot.  She was so gentle, I honestly did not feel it.  Then the doc came in and my blood work had improved, blood sugar was lower and I was not in diabetic range.  With my necessary diet, I was afraid.  I got home, fell asleep in recliner, granddaughter told me to go to bed (I think I snore.)  I got up and my joints ached, my head was swimmy and I just was not thinking clearly.  I got in bed, woke up naturally, and remembered I had had the flu shot.  Was okay the next day.  I always figured the symptoms after a flu shot were just in my imagination (I have a good imagination), but it proved to me the symptoms were true.  I forgot about having the shot until I pulled off the Band-Aid. 

I'm sorry life is so hard Gwen.  You are much younger than I am, but when we moved my sister into her apartment, (Kelli had lived there before), I saw more wheelchairs than I did people walking.  I remember one little woman that Kelli friended, she had diabetes and had to have a leg removed.  She carried a butcher knife under that wrapped stub.  She is gone now.  I think it is better my sister living there, she gets more help, and she stays away from the gossipy people.  She only smokes four cigarettes a day, and she breathes better.  The chemo is whipping her behind, but a few days after her chemo day, she feels better.  Her apartment is clean, no longer looks like a hoarders and she has two walls filled with bookcases, filled with books.  It hurts me to see her sick so much, we don't know staging, etc.  I think this apartment helps her get out of her own head, just a little, and she can still drive, although not on days of chemo.  My son went to doc this morning.  Hard to make him go.  They had him on too much BP med, for one thing.  That was why he was tired all the time.  Waiting on his blood work.