My Sanity Needed Vents

[Margm]

On 11/15/2022 at 4:28 AM, Gwenivere said:

I’ve never heard.of any way someone gets someone in home from the state if they have money to pay for a caregiver.  If that were that were the caee there'd be no need for all these companies that provide them.

Gwen, I can talk from lack of experience, which is also known as stupidity.  My sister gets things in the mail that tells her by her bank balance SS will not pay her but $?? amount of money this month.  My sister has chemo-brain, or that is what she calls it.  Cannot argue that fact.  Now, I have to figure out how to pay her TV/Wi-fi company that she has not been paying and has TV but no wi-fi or house phone.  I have her cell phone plan, and it is a simple senior flip-phone that companies want us to add apps to, and we use it only for calling.  I talked to the SS woman in our town and she told me my sister has nothing to worry about, but the multi-page thing they sent her this month says she does.  She drew out her retirement as soon as it became substantial, and that is gone many, many years ago so she gets some SSI too.  This month they expect her to live on $500+.  She expects me to fix this.  Got to fix her TV and wi-fi and have someone come in and hook up her computer, the TV company won't do this for a personal computer.  Bless her heart, she is the smart one in our family.  This chemo throws her for a loop though.  I took her in this morning for the big one, will go get her this afternoon when it is finished, and she will not be able to taste food.  Cold food burns her mouth.  She will not apply for food stamps.  My son is going to help me pay for past due TV company fees and have a computer "geek" come in and fix her computer.  She is lost without it as she checks her bills/bank all the time.  

I had a chance experience with road rage the other day.  A big red-dick-truck got on my small Toyota Yaris hatchback's tail and honked his loud horn because I was not moving fast enough.  I developed road rage and blew my Ferris-Yaris horn back and it was a little toy sound.  So, I was on the road that ran parallel to the big red-dick-truck and I don't know what I would have done if I had caught him.  My Yaris could not catch a one-legged man on a bicycle.  I got over it.  

[KarenK]

Marg, who is sending this multi page document to your sister? Her SS amount would not change monthly. If she also has SSI, I suppose it might change as the amount is based on income and disability, but surely that would require some kind of review other than a bank balance. Who has access to her bank info? Sounds strange to me.

[Margm]

 Running my mouth again.  I miss Billy, he knew how to handle family.  I don't. I'm doing it. 

I keep remembering I am 80 years old and sometimes I do get too frustrated.  One frustration should be allowed me each day.  I used to tell my grandson that he was captain of his own ship.  I'm not even gonna tell you where he sailed his ship.  

My mom and dad were very "cold" as parents and grandparents.  Not everyone is going to get it right 100% of the time. 

People should have happy Thanksgivings and Christmases.  I am such a dud.  Does everyone who lost their mate feel this way? 

[Margm]

I think I did this wrong.

[KarenK]

Marg, unfortunately I think remembering our childhood more clearly than our childrens' is just another sign of aging. There's probably some fancy syndrome name for it. When I volunteered at a nursing home as a teen, there was a very elderly woman who would clearly relate coming west on a covered wagon with her family, but could not remember current things like who I was. That has always stuck in my mind. I thought it was funny at the time, but not anymore as it happens to me.

You are doing a great job helping your family. Billy would be proud.

[Gwenivere]

I’m totally messed up on caregivers and who gets what when.  Right now I’m just hoping I get thru a shower.  Got a list of calls to make.  Try and get some food in the aftermath.  
 

The shower was tough.  Always is.  Always think I’ll take a break from walking but so far never have.  Too scared I’ll give up on it.l. Talked to quite a few people today. My Sunday buddy wanted to talk last night to make up for Sunday, but by phone and we have the news running and when Dee ears.  Nowhere comfortable I can go. Found a conflict Thursday with the home nurse and my counselor.  Trying to work that out.  Was for an added blood test needed but I really need my hip, eye and ear  looked at quickly.  Ear skin is bleeding.  
 

I feel so gross.  It’s a terrible feeling.  I hope  I don’t wind up with blood on my pillow.   This just gets better everyday.  
 

Watching a movie about a guy who takes an ER hostage  because the hospital won’t treat his son for lack of good enough insurance.   Quite a commentary on the state of health care in this country.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, KarenK said:

there was a very elderly woman who would clearly relate coming west on a covered wagon with her family, but could not remember current things like who I was.

Dementia.

Gwen, I was just thinking it's good you at least have your movies...then I read the content, and not so sure!  Yes, it is quite a commentary on the sate of health care here.    Not sure who is to blame, the whole system.

[Margm]

I think if a person is so old they only remember the good times, then perhaps someone greater than us is helping protect our memories.  Mama never quit talking.  Marcy gave me two of her daily diaries.  She and Daddy both kept daily diaries of weather, etc.  Anything important, anything not really important.  I have not read them yet, or even know what I did with them.  Toward the last, Mama talked about her five husbands.  This was a constant subject.  Names didn't matter.  The only fact for all of them was that they all died.  Mama and Daddy were married about 44 years when he passed away at the ancient age of 65.  Mama left at 95, but her little excellent, intelligent analytical mind left a long time before.  Daddy was her only husband. 

[KarenK]

When I was cleaning out my mother's house after she passed away, I found a very old suitcase filled with letters my father had written to her when they fell in love. He traveled a lot for his government job. I know they were both married to others at the time and ended those relationships to get married. I started to read one letter, but stopped. Somehow it felt like an invasion of their privacy. I think those letters are around here somewhere(can't remember what I did with them). I doubt I will ever read them. People are entitled to their secrets.

[Margm]

23 hours ago, KarenK said:

Marg, who is sending this multi page document to your sister?

I'm ashamed to say this, but I do not know.  I handed them back to her. She says it is local SS.  She taught one class for a couple of semesters, and I think they are questioning it.  You would be surprised how little college teachers get paid, especially in Louisiana, also part-time payment. 

I believe our senior center here in town, and everywhere probably, has an ombudsman who works for the elderly, government pays.  I will have to stipulate that I be there or she will run them off.  Honestly, my dad died in April of 1984.  It was about mid-April.  The first of April his brother-in-law who he had known all their married life, he came to help.  Daddy got up from his chair and with his cane physically ran him away from their house.  My sister is just as stubborn.  

[Gwenivere]

I blame greed over truly helping people.  The people that could use it most get the least.  The people that have good resources buy better coverage.  The insurers are driven by the dollar and if you talk fair and equal you’re viewed as a socialist.

Another day in paradise.  Lots of little calls to make.  Nothing will really change.  Constantly is in place.  Even Dee came home and found ways to pick on me.  I gotta keep shrugging it off.  I’m so sick of hearing how I do things are ‘illogical' because she would do them differently.  Somehow I made it this far in life  by 14 years more.

The surgeon’s office set me up with an appointment next week with the one that does the even more hard core one to talk about it.  I’m still in the same place   They can’t guarantee and have no reason to live alone.  What would come after losing Melody as if already.  I. feel-that way now. This is the surgery they told me was 3 months of even worse pain waiting to see if it was successful.  If not, stuck with it.  I think about Ally so much.  How she got me thru 5( e fi4 s5 few years until I los her.  How quickly everything went downhill 

There was an ombudsman were I volunteered and rehab, but they never did anything I could see making a difference.  Nor the social workers.  It seems the medical world is run by money.  I got a large envelope in the mail from my insurance and %95 of the time i5's bad news.  Was today about  dates for me I haVe nothing on my calendar.  More calls as they are costly.  I don’t think it’s my responsibility to check out if they are covered if they are my docs refer and insurance.  I think they should check before coming out like   I did when I did. It when I made my own appointments or went to urgent clinics.  
 

Well, I’m already worn out from a night of Dee having an especially cold mood, having 5o see the nurse and my counselor today.  Another messed up lunch day too.  Little things like that are impacting.  Morning, you early risers .  🌞

 

 

 

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I blame greed over truly helping people.  The people that could use it most get the least.  The people that have good resources buy better coverage

For sure!

My ins company wants me to prove to them I'm checking all the boxes for medical, I did everything, not going to prove it to them for some small enticement/reward!  Not worth it.  If these people would look in their records they'd see I had my annual, mammogram, bone density, dental, vision, etc. 

Are you considering the other surgery, Gwen?

[Gwenivere]

I think about this surgery and have the same reaction.  A huge gamble I could lose and be worse off.  For good, the end.  Making the inevitable happen sooner.  Maybe speeding it up.  I’ll listen again but I’ve heard it twice before.  I could lose my freedom to end things on my terms.  I’m still trying to figure why they think anyone would want to live this.  It’s because they have no feeling of the mental toll this takes, even beyond the pain.  
 

I didn’t even check in here til almost 9pm.  2 appointments and insurance calls took up the the afternoon.  Couldn’t finish what I wanted to get done.  I was telling my counselor our sessions and what I write here are my only times I can feel how I truly feel.  Always listening to others. I’ve said this so many times.  
 

The nurse that was by today said my hip was healed, my ear is still infected and never got the blood draw orders and even tho I had the doctors office on the line, it couldn’t be done verbally.  All these policy rules.  
 

Today I need to contact licensing to find out why my property payments haven’t cleared.  I sent them n September.  
 

Got the OK to sleep on the other side now.  Not sure how that will. Since I don’t move any more.  Dee remade my bed so I can use my electric blanket now.  Reaching the controls is another story.  
 

Have to get sleep for list of calls today.   Dry TV day for background.  Recorded a movie for tonight till official movie time.  Old one.  He’s so young* in Carlito's Way.

[kayc]

22 this morning. Predicted 29.  Should have had the heater on the plumbing out there but didn't.  It's a wonder it didn't freeze up.  NOAA needs to step up their game.  All I know is it's cold outside!

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Today I need to contact licensing to find out why my property payments haven’t cleared.  I sent them n September.

I didn't get my bill this time and totally spaced out, found out on FB, made out my check and addressed it, caught the mailman, asked if it'd be postmarked, he looked at his watch and said yes.  God I hope so!  You have to wait at least a month before they cash it and I can see if it's posted on time.  I tried paying with an e-check but it said I'm not signed up for it.  Got no help from the workers.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Always listening to others.

That is draining.  Iris talks at me, but never converses back and forth.  Does the same to her husband.  She's very social but it's so one-sided, you can't have an intimate friendship.  She says what she wants, then goes back in the house, never listens.  I sure wish things had turned out differently for you. 

[Gwenivere]

Being a listener for others is terribly draining. Such a reminder of where we are.  Like we need it.   Spent my afternoon making medical and government calls.  I realized I was chasing a medical bill I hadn’t re-received for this August yet.  I’d say it was rectified by now, but I’ve gotten bills as far back as February. 
 

I heard a great line in movie.  Each of our own time is wound when we start, we don’t know when it will run down and stop.  Something we would consider when life was so bright andI exciting.  The whole concept would be ridiculous.  Pretty much everything I see on TV, movie or commercial are all showing  people living life with meaning.  
 

Well, Dee off the rails again but more info for me.  She’s always saying how ‘straight' women are ‘coming onto' her.  She’s blamed me for it too for visiting her after we met.  I just wanted to chat because I liked her, but she’s been on me for a vverylong time I 'came onto' her. She was texting with a couple of friends and one talked about taking a walk with her dog, don’t know what the other said.but she doesn’t get people just wanting to hang out like normal.  She misunderstood emails I sent from rehab. I did tell her my feelings were deepening for her.  Says she would never have talked to me as I'm not. Her type.  .??? There’s so much more, but it’s agitating so close to bed.  Like dong this when most nights she knows this is what I do.  She sits on the couch mumbling how I don’t care about her.  
 

There goes a decent nights sleep which is bad anyway. 
 

Holiday week coming up.  That’s going be tough in so many ways.  

[KarenK]

Gwen, I can't believe that she is so dense as to think that "straight" women are coming on to her. She obviously doesn't know the difference between being friendly and romantically interested. You have made your intentions quite clear.

I know I watch way too many crime shows on TV. Unpredictable people can turn to violence in a heartbeat. Please be extra careful!

[kayc]

She is assigning something to it because of her wishful thinking, not fair to you.

[Gwenivere]

I should have waited til yesterday morning to write anything about Dee.  She had been drinking which explains everything.  It’s like flicking a switch.  So, another long talk about how this has to stop.  I did refuse to get into the details yet again.  It’s the basic rule to be adhered to.  
B   

I'm getting very concerned about my ear and eye.   Scary I can’t get anywhere.  It gets so swollen my vision gets blurred.  Going to try sleeping o my other side so it’s not being weighed down for almost 8 hours.  
 

My Sunday Zoom buddy wrote an amazing letter to her ''Inner Core'' that is amazing.  I tried to copy it to here but it’s not cooperating.  
 

Got to get ready for a different sleep.   No time to prattle on.  I am going to try and see if she can send it to me a different way.

hugs to all.  💕

[kayc]

You can't copy/paste?  I wonder if there's a way to save it to your PC and then do it?  I don't know anything about zoom.

What's happening with your eye?  I know you have an ear infection, what does the doctor suggest you do if you can't get in, can they send someone to your home?  They were willing to for my sister, but she didn't live as far out as I do.  No one volunteers to come here.  Sometimes they'll send a Nurse to your home, maybe that would do?

[Widow2015]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I'm getting very concerned about my ear and eye.   Scary I can’t get anywhere.  It gets so swollen my vision gets blurred.  Going to try sleeping o my other side so it’s not being weighed down for almost 8 hours.  

Gwen:  I agree with Kay's question, "can't someone be sent out to have a look at your ear and eye"? This situation reminds me of my son's bout with a sinus infection behind the eye.  Although he was experiencing a great deal of pain. 

I received a mailer advertisement in the mail recently for in-home care, GetHeal.com.  I don't have any knowledge of the service provider, but it might be an answer for you.??? Dee

 

[Gwenivere]

I do have have a nurse coming ut.  She’s been here twice and will again.  it would be better to see the doctor but he’s booked and it’s so difficult for me.  Might have Dee take a picture of it to send my doc.  
 

My problem with what I want to post is it’s in a PDF file. It won’t let me copy and paste the whole ting.  It won’t let me select anything.  I am trying to get my buddy to send it in plain text so I can copy it.  Also In it’s form now it won’t even copy the whole thing.  Just half.  Even if I could copy it to here, people would have to open the file and I want it easier than that.  It could easily be missed.

Dee is mulling over going to visit her father who hasn’t seen in 40 years over Xmas. Pro's and con’s.  Long crowded bus ride 2 ways, adhering to he and his wife’s schedule and just out of her comfort zone.  I can’t help her.  He signed her over to foster care.  I come from a stable, loving home.

Sleeping on my opposite side was weird.  Really hurt my supposed healed hip.  Getting up and down was more difficult.  I didn’t hear the alarm so I’ll have to check it just before midnight as I may have set it for PM which wouldn’t surprise me.  It was and never went off.  Dee checks i it’s getting too late  

Off to sleep and business calls today.  Had a bad church meal last night.  We’re slowly dumping food from the freezer to get decent stuff.   Then the gar age one.  Supplies needed are so very different now.

 

 

 

[kayc]

I just got to sleep and got a prayer chain call...horrid accident on Hwy 58, one of our parishioner's friends...Found out this morning may have impairment, 5 year old dead, his back broken in multiple pieces, etc.  Air-flighted plus two ambulances, closed road for hours, it was up the pass, icy.  How do you go to sleep after that?  You don't.  It's very sobering.  My heart goes out to the family.

Gosh, that's hard for Dee, I can't imagine, although when I was a teen I BEGGED to be placed in foster care!  I didn't realize how much abuse goes on but my home life was pure HELL!  I couldn't imagine worse.  I remember telling them I would clean the house, cook, anything!  Had much to get over, lots of therapy, etc over the years.  Now I've learned so much and live alone, ha!

I'm glad you have a nurse coming to you Gwen.  Maybe she can make recommendations to the doctor for Rxs?  Neither eye nor ear anything to fool around with.

 

 

[Margm]

Sometimes I'd rather see the nurse.  One comes to my sister's apartment.  It is a male nurse and he was stiff and informal, new, not sure how to get around in a hoarder's things.  Actually now, after disliking him so much, she is very happy and they have gotten to know each other.  Sometimes that is more personal, safer than a stiff, computer driven doc that is in and out.  I go every four months, guess because I am old.  He is okay.  #1 doc in our small town.  Not the only one though, we have grown into the other small towns under our medical center's name.  No one can do anything for me anyhow, except he did bring me up on being aware I'm a prime patient candidate for diabetes.  Do not have it yet, but only because he made me aware I could do something, even on a low fiber diet.  (Because of the ruptured colon). 

[Gwenivere]

NLove Letter to my Core Wound

You burst upon the scene when I was only 4.  You were the thief that stole moments of freedom and joy by reminding me that Mother Love was not constant.  Then you came again when I was 16 when there was death after death.  You banished me to the basement where I longed for the people I would never see again.   And still you lurked in the background as the years went on, ready to hijack my heart and mind whenever there was a sudden loss, no matter how big or small.

I trembled whenever you were near.  No wonder I wanted to excoriate you from my being. Until now.  Because this wonderful journey of soul discovery got me to see you in a different way.  Now I meet you in the depths of the forest.  Now I can finally see you from all directions.  

You have helped me to see that in the pain of losing, there is the sweetness of knowing. You have taught me that when I grieve those I have lost, I remember them. You are the thread that keeps them alive in me.  If I erase you, my Core Wound, I erase them all.

My dear Core Wound, I promise not to run from you anymore.  I will search for the gift that is tucked into your depths and bring it into the light.  So we can both rejoice in our sacred transformation.

*************************

A buddy of mine wrote this for a class she took about death and grief and said I could share it.  It touched me deeply and I had no idea she had so much in her life.  Just her father.

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

I often find nurses more helpful than doctors.  Unfortunately, they don’t know as many meds and can’t prescribe. I’m waiting for miine to return for a blood draw and check on 2 other issues.

Tred to settle 2 things bhy phone, but culd not get past getting paperwork in the snail mail.  That always drives me nuts.  I wanted to gets done and off my list.  My living room 'office' is overflowing with things to settle.  1 or 2 would be. OK, but 5 is too much clutter.  Have to sort thru so much.  It gets so messed up with others.  Too many irons in the fire.  
 

Dee doing  her, what seems daily, thig of getting all whacky soon after getting home.  She thinks 'I' think whacky 'because I’m'straight'.  I can’t make any sense fof it.  She’s the one I’m always labeled tho she claims to hate labels.   She can make a dark mood so much darker.  She didn’t want to do movie time and I wasn’t sure if she was coming back so I covered the birds.  Holy cow!  I could barely do it!  Another reminder of how limited I’m getting or discovering.  I spilled my pain meds on the floor too.  Got them all I hope.  Will have to haxe someone look under the table and chair.  Dee when she’s reasonable.  Have to set the dust alarm and hope one works in the morning.  I’ll do that today