My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I counted $ at the church yesterday.  We got a whopping $350.00, don't know how much longer we can go on like this.  Came home and walked dogs, made a big pot of turkey/veg. soup, also some cauliflower rice for the freezer.  Will probably get groceries Friday, it's pouring rain today and with the thick layer of pollen on the roads, they will be slick.

I know, boring life...

Sounds like your church is being hit financially?  People are having to really stretch their money these days.  

OK, so you got to church, walked the dogs, cooked and are planning a grocery run.  Is this the far away one?  Anyway, compared to me?  That’s major stuff.  I really wish I function with slight pain instead of this major challenge.  I would make a world of difference.  I could at least brush the dogs, fix a few things, keep the house up more.  Might even cook like I did and make stuff I could freeze.  So, you got me beat!  

Karen, you are going to see a very strange world out there.  I notice it driving for lack of traffic , but so many empty parking lots.  Signs pasted in so many doors and windows about being closed or take out only.  The only time I’ve seen the streets so empty are Xmas day.  Not a daily occurrence.  Wish I could find a hobby just to keep busy.  

Someone suggested I do my drawing again, but you have to feel it from within.  Then she gave me a terrible suggestion without realizing it.  Do a picture of Ally before she leaves me.  She didn’t see how heartbreaking that would be as a 'pastime'.  Creating something for after a death is NOT inspirational. I am not in denial, but let me enjoy the time we have as it is.  Hard enough seeing the changes from the once most extroverted dog that was such a clown.

[KarenK]

It was different for sure. Still lots of traffic, but empty parking lots were strange. As you say, reminds you of Christmas Day. Long line at a Starbucks drive thru. Have never had one. Way too much for a cup of coffee for me.

Few people at the doctor's office, but a long wait anyhow. Did an ekg because of shortness of breath, but said it was most likely the copd, which doesn't take a genius to figure out. Got meds taken care of plus 2 inhalers. Last inhaler I tried made breathing worse. Another appt in 2 weeks.

Vets office back to normal. Stopped for Marley's med. People taking pets inside or they will come outside to you if you prefer.

And the beat goes on.....

[Kieron]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Then she gave me a terrible suggestion without realizing it.  Do a picture of Ally before she leaves me.  She didn’t see how heartbreaking that would be as a 'pastime'.

omg talk about "foot in mouth disease." 🙄  Sorry, Gwen!

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Kieron. 🌺 As I posed it back to her....it would be more like engraving her tombstone than drawing a portrait that felt good as I never drew when I was sad.  Only once and that was after a break up in my 20’s that was going to end the world with the attitude I would never let myself feel like that again.  Now I look at that picture of a woman crying on her knees and see I had no idea how that would really come true.  

[KarenK]

Tried the new sample inhaler(Anoro) that the doctor gave me. It seemed to work okay and didn't make me worse. You can bet money it costs more than I can afford. I checked Humana's drug pricing and it is $483 per month. Throw that one out the door. That's how it was with the sleeping pill(Belsomra $384), and the Aspergillus med($300). If it works well with few side effects, let's price it so high that the normal person can't afford it. Kind of defeats what I thought the idea of insurance was for.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Someone suggested I do my drawing again, but you have to feel it from within.

I so agree and understand.  I made cards for over 30 years, always enjoyed it.  Lately I'm lacking in that drive and passion.  I need to clean out my house, at least start with my closet, nothing fits.  But then what would I do with the clothes?  No one is taking donations, garage sales are out, I can't throw away perfectly good clothes.  So it waits.  I have no room to put them in my house.  I guess I could start sorting through them but that doesn't appeal to me.  When we're allowed back out I'll regret not having done this sooner.  But maybe I'll have more drive back.

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Creating something for after a death is NOT inspirational.

I was told I should take videos and pictures of Arlie while he was alive.  I've never been a videographer so don't have any.  But why would I want to take pictures or video a dog who is suffering and about to die?  The time to have got them was BEFORE cancer.  And we were busy living life instead of documenting it.  I did take a couple of pictures of him at the end, he looked haggard, his fur and face changed so drastically, you could see the toll it took on him, yet even so, he tried to smile.  I love that dog so much.

I totally get how hard it would seem to try to do a portrait right now.  I remember trying to get Arlie's paw print with paint that last week.  A neighbor came up with the idea and brought her stuff down to do it.  Ended up with black paint all over the house and no paw print.  Took me an hour to clean it up.  After she left I got the bright idea that maybe he'd be okay with it if it was just me and her crying baby was gone...so slow-to-learn me tried again.  He took off running through the house with black paint flying, all over the carpet and flooring!  Another hour cleanup.  But I have that "paw print in motion" up in my kitchen and I smile when I see it...it was always an adventure with Arlie.  My son told me that night "He's still making memories."  Yes, clear up to the end.

15 hours ago, KarenK said:

Long line at a Starbucks drive thru. Have never had one. Way too much for a cup of coffee for me.

Personally I prefer Dutch Bros to Starbucks, but haven't had either in years.  Can't afford such things.  The ones I'd want have sugar, which I can't have, so moot point for me!  I stick with my homemade coffee with whipping cream & vanilla to get me by.  Tried the sugar-free syrups, nasty!

15 hours ago, KarenK said:

Vets office back to normal.

 Wow, I'm stunned!  We're still on lock down and if your pet needs the vet they come to your car and take them inside without you.

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

I checked Humana's drug pricing and it is $483 per month.

My inhaler uses up all of my Rx allotment.  I was on Advair diskus 100/50 then the insurance quit covering it and switched me to Wixela, which cost even more!  Sometimes they just don't make sense.  Told me they'd cover my Diabetic Rx 0 copay, then when I enrolled for another year they changed it to $74 copay, then cut it altogether.  Their reason: "side effects."  Bull.  More likely costs.  Not like they care about me.  I've been on it for years, never had side effects.  It's way more stable than the new one, which can drop your blood sugar, much more erratic.  All under the guise of caring about my well-being.  Right.

I haven't tried the Wixela yet, still using the last of my Advair.  Have you told your doctor the cost and that you can't afford it?  Sometimes doctors aren't aware of pricing or what the insurance leaves.  Maybe he can come up with something less expensive.  My sister is still on Advair Diskus, her insurance covers it, even at the higher dosage.

 

[KarenK]

Doctor told me if it was too expensive there was an alternative one that you use twice a day instead of once, so may try it if it's not expensive. I'm stubborn and won't pay more than $10 for a script unless I'm dying.

[MartyT]

Are you familiar with Rx Saver by RetailMeNot? I use it and it does save me some money. Read more about it here:  Here's What You Need to Know About RxSaver

[KarenK]

Thanks for the info, Marty. I'll check it out.

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

Doctor told me if it was too expensive there was an alternative one that you use twice a day instead of once, so may try it if it's not expensive. I'm stubborn and won't pay more than $10 for a script unless I'm dying.

Karen, I don’t know anything about your insurance details, but I’m surprised they don’t have tier coverage copays for meds.  Mine range from $5 to $50 depending on the med, generic or name brand, less if it’s cheaper than the copay and if it’s in their formulary.  One med I take isn’t, but by appeal by my doc they let me have it.  

I know it’s one of the most frustrating thing to do, but calling an insurance rep I can usually get info as to why something is too expensive and my options.  Once was just switching prescribing doctors because my frigging shrink wouldn’t talk to them.  Thank gawd it was for my antidepressant as my PCP won’t prescribe my anxiety meds.  

I’m guessing you’ve already checked this stuff out.  I’m just appalled you have insurance and such high costs.  Did you get it thru a health care exchange that looks at income and all relief options?  I’ve seen there are many places like Marty posted. My pharmacy checks that out for their customers.

[KarenK]

Gwen, my health insurance was set up a few years ago by an exchange that services telephone company retirees. There were many plans to choose from. I purposely chose a more expensive medical plan to avoid any deductibles in case I got really sick some day. It's a United Healthcare/AARP Medicare Advantage plan. I chose a Humana Wal-Mart prescription plan. It fit my needs as I take few meds and pay between $3 & $10 per script(no deductible). I did switch to a less costly plan this year when the premium became 5 times the original cost. The coverage is the same for the few meds I take. All are Tier 1. The problem arises when you get into the higher tier meds. I'm assuming Albuterol is a Tier 2(couldn't find it on the website for some reason), and Anoro is definitely a Tier 3. Wal Mart left it's message saying the total for the 2 was $481. I told them to restock them. The kicker is that the doctor didn't even send in the Tramadol script which is why I went to see him in the first place. I have a call into his office regarding the whole fiasco.

Made it to the dentist today. I now have an aluminum alloy crown over the broken tooth. It was either that or pull it and add a tooth to the denture. It's okay. Robert says I look like a boxer now😁  Will get the cavity filled next week.

[Gwenivere]

So odd albuterol would be a higher tiered drug.  It’s such a common med.  You’re premium went up that much?  That’s insane!  I got switched to a new plan and mine went down, but confusing coverage will make up for it.  They apply so little to my deductible.  Even after a month long hospital stay I’m still short, yet they pretty much paid that in full, so it makes no sense.  I wish all the plans followed.the same guidelines like Medicare.  Simplify it all.  But then, we wouldn’t need all these companies and they aren’t going to give that up.  I haven’t figured out why I had to pay full price on RX's a couple of times and now I’m in copays.  They say those don’t apply but something affected them.  I never know what to expect anymore.  I hope you can find some help on payments.  Having to skip meds we need is criminal.  

[Gwenivere]

I woke up yesterday morning as I have many times.  Thoughts in.my head to run past Steve.  It was a day with no plans at all and that twilight sleep before getting up between snooze buttoning had me thinking he was here.  I wasn’t haunted by the lock down.  I kept thinking of asking him what we should do for the day so it wasn’t so monotonous.  Then it would hit me, he’s not here.  I hadn’t planned dinner, thought we could think of something different.  No place to go for needs, so could he think of anything.  Thoughts about tasks that maybe if we tackled as a team we could cross off the list.  Each time waking to the reality the bed, house, life was empty.  It was cruel as I felt I would just get up and share a day again.  Then shattered by reality.  Add in the virus making days more of a challenge, dragging thru getting dressed for no good reason and staring out the windows as I often do now wondering.......

........how did I get here?  How could I lose the most important thing in my life?  A short conversation with a nurse that checks in me and more stories of the past as we discussed our dogs.  She was bored working from home so had time to kill.  Then she would mention her husband being there.  How I wish I could have gotten offf the phone and said....hey Steve?  Guess what Annette just told bout her lab mix that’s like Ally.  Sleep is the only haven he lives for me.  Went out and spent about $50 on stuff as backup that could have waited if I wanted to go slowly more insane.   Money, if he were here, I should have donated for someone more in need.  Trying to fill voids with cash comforts when I know it won’t ever happen when I try and find space to store it.    

no great epiphany.  Just another day of heartbreak.  Now off to put away the linen he never sleeps on anymore.  Nothing of his in there anymore.  Wash up the dishes he never uses.  Wash one wine glass before bed instead of two.  Watch late night shows alone I can’t really laugh at anymore.  Prepare for new housekeepers I want out of here quickly hoping the 2 hours goes fast.  They will be in protective gear to bring the insidious reminder of loneliness in and the house is so full of that it should burst.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, KarenK said:

I'm assuming Albuterol is a Tier 2

I had some given to me by a friend when her husband died, it has 200 puffs so lasts way longer than my other inhalers (which have 60 puffs) and seems to do the job just as well.  I actually had a doctor prescribe it for me once so feel okay about using it.

[KarenK]

I think Albuterol is what the doctor gave me a few years ago that I couldn't use because it choked me and made me feel worse. Price wise it was the lesser of two evils at about $40, more than I can afford even if it worked. The very expensive Anoro is an inhaler but it's powder instead of mist. I've used 2 doses of the sampler which I thought was helping but discovered it is giving me a nasty mucus cough which I didn't have before. I just may not be able to use inhalers and continue living with the shortness of breath. A lot of meds don't work for me as intended. That's okay as I know when to slow down. It's just hell getting old.

[Gwenivere]

I’m one of those people that most meds don’t mesh well with me too.  Frustrates the docs, but I can’t change my biology.  I've even had some say, that just can’t be possible.  I get dizzy taking ibuprofen.  This was years ago when it wasn’t listed as a common side effect, so I got got a lot of flack.  Well, now it’s common and on the label.  Can’t take any NSAIDs.  Had to prove it to my rheumatologist by trying 5 of 20 and she still wanted to do others to which I politely said hell no.  

Yup, Karen, it’s hell getting old.  I mixed up abuterol and anoro in your post.  I never had much luck with any from side effects. I always wished I was like Steve.  He never had any major side effects.  I developed a fear of new meds from my reactions.  Even tried NOT reading possible ones.  Ironically, meds like Vicodin, Xanax and clonozapam work for me, but they are almost impossible to get.  I really miss the 2 docs I had that were rebels in this lockdown of controlled meds.  Their philosophy was the meds were there for a reason.  If they were needed people should have them.  They thumbed their noses at those monitoring their DEA number.  They were the docs, knew their patients and treated them accordingly.  Both were also street wise to drug seekers and weren’t snowed by them.  I dread I need to ask for some more Vicodin soon.  Haven’t had an RX in a year and I’ll have to have my new doc see it was for half to 1 pill a day.  What gets me is pharmacies are all linked now.  You can’t go to different ones without it getting flagged, so docs don’t need to worry they are providing more to addicts.  

So we get access to drugs that often don’t work easily and have to fight for ones that do.  That’s generalizing a bit, but I got a lot of time on my hands these days.   Waiting on some darned housekeepers I was told would be here over an hour ago only to just find out the 1-3 time for cleaning was only a window of when they would arrive.  Strike one against this company.  Hope they do well as I’d like to not see the dusty, furry place this has become.  I’m tired of being cranky and hostile, but I can’t seem to help it.  I have a much better persona when I get out of here which they are preventing me from doing.  

Yadda, yadda, yadda.   It’s take out night and Wendy’s is doing free nuggets for some reason so I guess it’s a double stack burger tonight and we get a extra treat the kids will love.  Quick run into Safeway for bread and salmon on sale only today.  

Well, they are here and barely speak English.  I found myself talking louder at them in that silly attempt they would understand.  Have to have the office translate. Very nice women tho.  2nd strike on housekeepers, didn’t put rugs and towels back down as they were thus defeating my having to bend over to redo them.  

I was hoping to brush Ally when I get home, but don’t think my back can take it plus it’s very chilly outside so would need to keep socks on or hair sticks to me that I track back inside.  Best laid  plans, as they say.  Just have having the house cleaned, I guess I’ll enjoy it for the few low fur days it has.  

[kayc]

Free chicken nuggets for the kids!  I bet they'll love that!

Got Kodie walked, just have to take him out one more time, the firewood guy is here unloading.  Will be glad when I can put on my nightshirt and get comfortable.  Got my house cleaned and cooking done, just have to clean one more bathroom.  I wonder what I did when I had a life!

I hear ya, Karen & Gwen, getting old isn't for the faint-hearted, that's for sure!

[Gwenivere]

When I had a life.......I was happy.  😍

[Margm]

We do the necessary things, if it is in my way, I just move it.  I've never been a housekeeper and not going to start at 77.  I have read four books so far, starting a 5th, but I admit one morning at 5:00 a.m., I was still reading.  

Karen, I've discovered another author.  William Kent Krueger.  He is a sheriff (off and on) in Aurora, Minnesota.  It runs the lake section around Lake Superior.  Never thought I would care to read about Minnesota, but these are good..  Not as great as C.J. Box, but each time I get ready to finish one, I decide I'm not going to read any more.  I used to print out all the synopses of the books I picked out for Billy and I made the mistake of reading all the synopses of all 17 of his books.  Every time I decide not to read another one, well, I just have to see what happens.  He has three kids and a beautiful lawyer wife.  Not an ideal life, good kids though and in the 17th book, his youngest child, a boy, is working with him.  His dad had been sheriff too.  

Other than that, things are going okay.  Both kids virus swabs were negative and of course Kelli's had to be traumatic.  Tough kid.  

[KarenK]

Thanks Marg, I'll give him a try. I checked his website for the titles. In addition to the series, there's a couple of other books that look good. I know you've mentioned Longmire before. I've not watched the show, but have written down all the books to read. Haven't got the last CJ Box yet. I'm in a long list of "holds". I'm so spoiled with this Kindle now, I'll probably never check out an actual book again.  lol

I've always been an immaculate housekeeper, but energy and circumstances dictate differently now. A spotless house is the least of my worries.

[Margm]

I am retired, I am old, I do what I want to do, which is mostly nothing.  

Longmire is great, watch it.  The only books I will pay more than 9.99 for is C.J. Box.  The Longmire editor has a lot of books, but I think his are about 14.99, and I only do that for C.J. Box.  I could not read without my Kindle.  I did find one box full of books.  I don't want them, cannot pick up box, but will probably take them somewhere to give.  

[KarenK]

If you have a library in your town or area, get a library card and you can check ebooks out for free. You may have a wait for newer things, but there's always something available. I used to collect books by certain authors. Don't know why really as I wasn't going to re-read them and certainly don't have a "library" in this old house.

[Gwenivere]

I did that too, Karen.  Still have shelves of books of my favorite authors.  I bought most of them before the Sam’s Club closed by me.  I always passed them on or traded them in at a half price store.  I tried a kindle, but I love the feel of paper books.  Seeing my progress and lamenting it will end.  I thought I’d be into a kindle by now having given into an iPad, but not yet.  Maybe when I need large print because the books would be too heavy and bulky.  😳

[KarenK]

I never thought I'd like a Kindle, but use it for so many things now. It's more convenient than my desk computer. I'm not a big technology person. I no longer have a cell phone as I have no one to call and texting was beyond my dexterity. I always said if I got to the point where I needed an electric potato peeler, I'd quit cooking. But don't you dare try and take away my microwave, television, or blu-ray player😄

[Gwenivere]

I hear ya, Karen!  If I can’t do anything by microwave it’s basically off my menu.  I’ve donated all my regular pasta as they have cooked in pouches now.  Same with rice.  The most I’ll do is throw some fish or precooked fried chicken in the oven and take a power nap while it heats.  I do all on foil so I don’t have to wash anything.  I’m getting pretty dependent on paper plates.  Bowls, glasses, silverware if I opt out of disposable and dog bowls are my dishwasher loads.  

I spilled a glass of red wine on my counter last night and it was frenzy to clean up before too much hit the floor.  I had taken a shower and scrubbed the bathmat earlier so was hurting.  Overslept as I turned the alarm off instead of snoozing it.  Have no memory of it going off at all.  Paid for all the bending and activity getting up.  Had a video chat with someone but I couldn’t see them.  If ever I needed to see someone it was today.  I drove around for a bit and was glad to get home and get into lounging clothes.  A woman in line when I was getting a paper said she didn’t know if we’d ever get back to acting normal as this distancing is getting so drilled into us.  Masks and gloves are going to get really uncomfortable when heat starts hitting.  I’m still trying to figure out why the pedestrians I see wear them.  That’s a free zone.  

Not having good luck with movies at night.  Glad I’ve recorded some old ones to rewatch. I’ve gotten pickier in this lock up.  Don’t do ones with loved ones dying.  That was all imagination before.  Just another day in paradise.  💔