My Sanity Needed Vents

[KarenK]

Just watched a documentary called "Unbranded" about 4 college buddies who decided to train 16 wild horses and ride from the Mexican border to the Canadian border through Az, Ut, Id, Wy, and Mt. It took them 158 days. Some of the terrain was very rugged and scary to take horses over, but the country was beautiful. I have traversed much of it, but only a very tiny part of it on horseback in Wy. I would love to do that if I were 40 yrs. younger. In a way it was a bit sad watching it knowing it is too late for me, but fate did not deal me that hand.

[kayc]

I don't know if any of you saw it or not, but Marty received "best monitored award" for a grief site, that is a big deal!  https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-grief-support-groups-4842333

CONGRATULATIONS, MARTY, FOR WHAT WE ALREADY KNEW!

Not only is it best monitored, but the site that provides the most resources and helps.  That makes it outstanding in itself.

[kayc]

I turned on a movie last night, it appeared to be very scary so I turned it off, last thing I need is that infiltrating my dreams!  Watched something for a few minutes and dropped off to sleep.  Hadn't slept much the night before so was relieved to sleep 7 1/2 hours.

I like the microwave for reheating, but use the range, oven or electric skillet when cooking.  The oven uses a lot of electricity so it has to be worthwhile to use it!

Had two strawberries and my BS was up to 117 this morning, annoying!  Don't understand.

Karen, I didn't know you were a horsewoman!  You're full of surprises.  That sounds like something good to watch, I love beautiful scenery AND animals!

 

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I don't know if any of you saw it or not, but Marty received "best monitored award" for a grief site, that is a big deal!  https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-grief-support-groups-4842333

CONGRATULATIONS, MARTY, FOR WHAT WE ALREADY KNEW!

Not only is it best monitored, but the site that provides the most resources and helps.  That makes it outstanding in itself.

Thank you, dear Kay ~ but this site belongs to all of us, and it is our members (like yourself) who help to make it the very special place that it is. So congratulations to ALL of us! ❤️

[KarenK]

Kay, the happiest time in my childhood was the 3 summers we spent in Colter Bay, Wy. My folks worked for the Grand Teton Lodge Co. At age 11, I was bored and started hanging out at the riding stables. I loved horses, but had never been around them. One day, one of the wranglers threw me on top of a horse bareback and handed me the reins to 5 others and told me to take them to drink at the night corral(a couple of miles down the forest road). I was scared, but didn't let on that I'd never ridden before. I made it there and dismounted. The horse immediately stepped on my foot. I was wearing flip flops, but the mud around the trough saved my foot. I figured out by climbing on the fence that I could get back on the horse. When I got back, they gave me a shovel and I was "hired". All the free rides a kid could ask for. I was ecstatic and the next day my mom took me to Jackson for a pair of boots. I worked my way up to trail guide and was able to do it for 3 summers until my folks didn't work there anymore. I could saddle and bridle a horse and was taught everything about horses by an old bronc rider named Bud. I loved that old guy. I lost access to horses after that and only ride a few times in Az. My daughter had horses on her Kentucky farm, but couldn't ride after she got cancer. The last time I rode was in 2014 at the home of a friend of hers. I could ride today if there was a fence nearby to climb on. Horses seem to have gotten taller since I was a kid😄

 

YEA MARTY! WE APPRECIATE YOU!

[MartyT]

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[kayc]

Marty, your articles are a godsend, I know you've put a ton of work into them.  The other site I belong to, the moderators don't read the posts, I call their attention to the spammers, and I also post your articles for people...if that gets traffic coming to this site, good, this is the only place that has a grief counselor that is actively helping it's people.  Your input is invaluable, I've learned so much from you! 

[kayc]

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

Horses seem to have gotten taller since I was a kid😄

I hear you!  We used to have a horse, Bucky (guess how he got his name?)...our "friend" sold him out from under us when we were using his pasture!  (which we traded for getting the haying done, including provision for his five horses)  We haven't owned one since, but I've always loved horse, there were three down the street I was very attached to, the owners only came once a week, never brushed them, no attention, one wasn't even named so I named him.  I wish I had a picture of Arlie and Reno nose to nose, giving each other a kiss!  It was a precious sight.

[Margm]

13 minutes ago, kayc said:

I wish I had a picture of Arlie and Reno nose to nose, giving each other a kiss!  It was a precious sight.

I did read an article somewhere, or saw a program (probably read something), about horses and dogs having special bonds.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Look at the success of the Budweiser commercials with the dogs and Clydesdales.  Sure miss those.  I miss that Subaru switched from the family of dogs to mushy families.  

Major shout out to Marty!  This is by far the greatest place I ran into.  You are the best hall monitor 😁 and so caring.  You’re like.....Mom!  And I mean that with the most respect as that means comfort and unconditional caring.  Don’t know how to do colors here, but I’d do a huge WE LOVE YOU in bright red.  ❤️

[Margm]

The best for the best.  Thanks for being here (then and now) and Marty forever. 

[Gwenivere]

Sorry to interrupt the shout outs but I was just in the phone trying to get my Direct TV connected to the internet so I could have access to on demand and featured movies.  A quarantine created want/need.  Also found out I couldn’t access my account online.  The call did nothing but have me wait til the technical department called me back and took 2 hours.  I can’t get near the floor where the box is nor do I want to attempt doing it myself perchance screwing up my service.  Nerves being stretched thin as they are, I just want to scream!  all I accomplished was getting access to my locked account and found out my DVR will at some point stop working as they are upgrading which means 2 years of recorded stuff gone, it can’t be transferred.  They won’t support my box eventually. I know it seems piddly, but little things count right now.  I don’t know if you just lose service or you get a notice so you can replace it first.  That means calling them again.  Arg!  Can not one frigging day go by without some problem?  Just one day!  Another huge reminder of something Steve would handle, try and find a solution. He would have been ahead of this before it became an issue.  

So it’s an angry at him and ATT.  This kinda stuff will never be my kind of job to handle calmly.  I don’t understand and never will.  I know how to use the gadgets, not what makes them work beyond electricity.

I’m also seeing other changes that I made I didn’t think bothered me that much but do.  No more daily trips to the PO as I had all mail changed to the house.  Sometimes one of the dogs and I would walk there for it.  I stopped closing my driveway gate as Ally liked to roam around and check out what’s going on.  It’s easier to not wrangle with it in pain even tho I go out to the mailbox.  Poor kid stands at the kitchen door waiting to go out. And then I’m watching her shuffle around like her mom with her bad hips and back.  I was so frustrated by today I went to the Dollar Store. Half was stuff I needed, the rest was to feel like I have a normal life.  Have so much soap and detergent I could be a laundromat like when Steve was here.  Retail therapy doesn’t work when the one thing you want can’t be bought.  

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 So what do you do?  

Continuation:  Got a note that Brianna's phone was shipped.  Checked shipping number.  They (for two days) have no idea what that number is.  I called to AT&T this morning, before giving all information I asked if she was working from home.  She said yes, and I said you cannot help me.  Yuna yesterday said it would not ship till June.  (Or maybe it was Saturday).  Today the girl told me she would have her supervisor call me within five minutes.  That was this morning, no call yet but UPS has scheduled delivery at end of day tomorrow.  I'm still not through talking to AT&T.  Mama used to say you couldn't fight city hall.  Nah, but you sure can stir up crap.  So keep fighting.  I still have not written the letter to the ER of the hospital that kept Billy out of a bed from daylight until after 4:00 a.m.  He was gone about 3-4 hours later.  Can't write the letter.  If they have not fixed things yet, the coronavirus will stir things up enough.  

But, keep on fighting them.  

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Also found out I couldn’t access my account online.  The call did nothing but have me wait til the technical department called me back and took 2 hours.  I can’t get near the floor where the box is nor do I want to attempt doing it myself perchance screwing up my service.  Nerves being stretched thin as they are, I just want to scream!  all I accomplished was getting access to my locked account and found out my DVR will at some point stop working as they are upgrading which means 2 years of recorded stuff gone, it can’t be transferred.  They won’t support my box eventually. I know it seems piddly, but little things count right now.  I don’t know if you just lose service or you get a notice so you can replace it first.  That means calling them again.  Arg!  Can not one frigging day go by without some problem?  Just one day!

Gwen:  I just went through a similar situation last week.  Actually a change in my wifi service and cable service has just been changed due to the City of Tacoma reorganizing and contracting with a new provider.  It took me a couple of months of telephone calls and waiting on line listening to scratchy recorded music and some misinformation.  I have basic cable service and had no intention of upgrading, nor did I want to have any installers coming to my house for this change.  I was told I would not charged.  The next day, a follow-up email quoted me an additional charge.  Back on the phone I go and was not able to find out who sent me the email.  I finally thought the problem was solved, and then the following days I was unable to forward emails although I was able to receive emails.  Back to the phone---I ended up talking with a very nice young techi who was warned he was talking with an elderly person with limited computer knowledge.  Our hour long conversation finally solved the problem.  The young man walked me through the changes I had to make and finally I had to unplug and re-plug in the little black modem box.  So far, all is well, but like you say "can't one day go by without a problem?"   I told my daughter lately I wake up and ask myself, "now what is going to go wrong today?"  I know that is not the way to start a day, but it is a challenge being alone.  This week  I'm going to have to focus on an investment that has been in effect for 40 years  is transitioning to new  management.  I'm hoping this will get done on line instead of a telephone call.

Sounds like I am not alone in this ever changing world.  We just gotta keep on keeping on.

Good luck to all.  Dee

 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Half was stuff I needed, the rest was to feel like I have a normal life.

I'm scared to go out, only do so when I have to and even then it scares me.  Our Dollar General isn't a very safe place to go to right now from what I've heard.  They should have mandated some rules for shop owners to put into place if they were to remain open.  They've really laid down on this.

 

9 hours ago, Marg M said:

Mama used to say you couldn't fight city hall.  Nah, but you sure can stir up crap.

8 hours ago, widow'15 said:

"now what is going to go wrong today?"

OMG, isn't that for sure!  Recently I spent most of the week on the phone with my bank, phone company, WalMart, etc. fighting with them to do the right thing, to fix the messes they keep making.  I kid you not, several hours every day!  Hopefully mostly taken care of although still waiting since 3/18 for my bank to get back to me on something.  Worse yet, Paypal and eBay are not answering their phones and their "on line help" isn't...it's an inapplicable loop.  This pandemic has everyone either nonexistent or putting you on hold for hours, then dropping the call or being downright incompetent.  Customer Service is a thing of the past we'll have to tell our kids about.

17 hours ago, Marg M said:

horses and dogs having special bonds

Little Kodie loves horses too.  He hasn't had the opportunity to develop a bond with any but he aims to work on it if any cooperate!  Those were special horses that are no longer here, they had amazing tolerance and patience even with puppies, I miss them so much..  I literally keep my apple trees (all three blew down in the storm we had) alive to feed the deer and horses, they're still producing, even though on the ground, but alas I can't eat apples, too much sugar for my Diabetes.

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

(Marty) WE LOVE YOU

 

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

years of recorded stuff gone, it can’t be transferred.

I went through this once (I have Dish) and lost 100 movies, they gave me three free Pay On Demand movies to make up for it.  Better than nothing.  It was years ago when my box started going bad.  Sent me another one and walked me through it, but mine is on top of my entertainment center so easy to reach.  The hardest part is figuring out where to put the cables.  If I can use the same cables it helps, I can't get behind the entertainment center and it's too heavy for wrestlers to move!  How they expect old people to do this stuff is beyond me.  I hate unhooking and hooking up my PC too because it's intertwined with so many things and I'm not a rocket scientist.  

[Gwenivere]

Thanks Kay for the color update.

my concern is also cables even tho the tech will have to do it.  Mine are all old plugs ins (which I prefer for secure connection) and everything has gone to Ethernet ones.  I’m always pulling my iPad cable loose if I snag it with those. I hope they have ones that have both as my TV and DVR have the old ones.  Not buying a new one to accommodate cables.  I just dared calling Direct TV back to make sure I can keep using my old box thru December to try and watch as much as I can of shows I already have.  Only hitch is it keeps recording new episodes of old and new shows.  I hope they are available on demand with this fancy new setup.  I never had a problem with my setup.  Annoys me they’ve made it one.  I can live without on demand now and whatever other 'advantage' this supposedly gets me.  Have for years.  I think it’s a conspiracy to drive old folks crazy.  🤪  I have using my remote like 2nd nature, now it will change.  

My Dollar Store has markings for check out and the 6 foot rule.  Hardly need it these days as it’s so engraved in people.  Going down the aisles people would back up or pass each other quickly, no lingering  by others.  I was getting my mail today and a jogger did so in place til I got away from the street.  I said to her is it was sad we have to do this and she agreed.  I don’t think most like what feels like snubbing others being a naturally social species.  

On looking or things to do I saw Steve’s van really needs to be washed.  Bird poop, pollen and some mold from sitting.  I think all the car wash places are closed.  That would be something that would make me feel good to get done.  Kinda like I am taking care of him.  A little something I could do to treat him.  I’m tired of just missing him and no way to do anything that feels like connection, no matter how small.

Woke up today again wondering why.  Thought of dressing and killing time just to wait out the day feeling so redundant and pointless.  Got an email from the nursing home, volunteering cancelled thru May, no surprise there.  They also cacelled events thru August.  That was kinda shocking.  A whole summer then back to winter and no knowing if we’ll see our friends there, the residents.  

Have a televisit with my therapist today.  Better than just voice but still so removed.  Then a trip to the PO to drop some mail in the box.  Come home and start the evening cycle.  Pain levels hard to deal with as always.  Ally’s already slipped in the kitchen.  Neighbors are erecting a fence.  Brings back memories when Steve extended ours and how strong and manly he looked, not the wasted victim of cancer.  

I ihink about all of you and what you are doing in this minute we are sharing in time.  How each of you does or does not find things to do.  I think about if I just didn’t have the pain ho much I could be doing and not stuck in these thoughts and reminders that as soon as I stand up I don’t have many options like I did.  Ways to break from the grief.  

I read a disturbing story this morning of an ER doc that committed sucide recently in New York.  She had taken a couple weeks off for a break from the barrage of intensity and after going back couldn’t handle it.  Reading a lot about PTSD going to affect so many people.  

I hope what I write is OK with you all.  I used to be a happy person, even at times thru the years of grief.  I could find simthing to lend a little balance.  Get excited about something like today, cheap take and bake pizza special day.  How I’d get one and divide it up for more meals later.  Chatting with the kids as I sliced it fresh baked as hthey knew it was a special night for crusts.  Maybe someday again.  

Thnking of all of you.  Hugs to you all.  Wish they had an emoji for that.  

 

 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I hope what I write is OK with you all.

Gwen, might be my wishful imagination, but your attitude honestly sounds so much better.  I'm not saying you've made a big turnaround, but you are not sounding as hopeless as you used to sound.  I know your still in terrible pain and grief, but somehow I am not as worried as I used to be.  You even bring up our spirits.  I think you are doing great "for the condition you are in" and the condition we are all having to live.  Might be my imagination, but I hear a tiny bit of hope.  

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 I was getting my mail today and a jogger did so in place til I got away from the street.  I said to her is it was sad we have to do this and she agreed.  I don’t think most like what feels like snubbing others being a naturally social species.  

Gwen:  My son, as a truck driver,  says this is the one of the more distressing part of his job now.  He feels "unclean" since he is no longer allowed inside warehouse offices to pick up the required paperwork for pickups and drop offs of freight.  The paperwork is squeezed through a slightly opened window.  Prior to the virus he was always welcomed inside and enjoyed how well accepted he always felt.

Yesterday I felt my  son's despair for a slight moment.  While at Maddie's cancer treatment  appointment at the Vet. hospital, after I signed the required paperwork handed to me through my car window, I started to return the ball point pen to the Vet Tech and was told I could keep the pen as they are not allowed to accept it back.   I totally understand why this is the "new normal" but it is thought provoking.   Dee

[Margm]

I had a message today from one of the ranchers associations, they are having to destroy animals, milk is being poured out, I guess those chickens that are being flown to China to be processed and sent back to us in packages, they are killing hundreds of chickens because of supply and demand (as best as my  non-business brain can understand) and we will buy our beef from Namibia (which makes 0 sense), and I am going to just have to drink Ensure because I will quit eating meat period.  My low residue diet allows for nothing but starchy vegetables, mostly grown underground, the one with most vitamins is cooked carrots.  I'm gonna be as orange as Trump.  

I had a hard to understanding life without Billy, and I still do, but all of this other stuff I just do not understand and cannot comprehend the fear of leaving out my door.  The fear that we all have and we have to think that many people will go without any money for anything and the fear of entering an office, or going into any business.  Some states are opening.  Supposedly Texas had it if you entered, you had to stay two weeks, now that state is open (I think).  

I think the #1 thing to do is "quit listening/watching the news."

[Margm]

[KarenK]

There are way too many idiotic things happening for us as mere mortals to understand. Like covering the credit card keypads with plastic. You're just going  to touch the same plastic as the previous customer.

[Gwenivere]

I hear ya, Karen.  The only thing that works is disinfectant after every use.  The grocery stores here now have employees wiping carts as they are brought in.  Even the people wearing gloves don’t realize that they are infecting thier gloves when they touch those keypads.  Touch your face and bam!  Jimmy Kimmel had a good skit of a scavenger hunt and the winner got a small bottle of Purell worth $800.  😁 it’s replaced TP for demand.  We haven’t seen the end of craziness still coming.  

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I think it’s a conspiracy to drive old folks crazy

Haha, I think so too, Gwen!  I may have to switch to Spectrum but have been putting it off as I've been comfortable with what I have, Dish has been great to deal with and I have 130 movies recorded I will lose if I switch.  Like you I can do my remote in the dark, I don't like learning new technology, ugh.  No one here to help me remember.  Everything seems "newfangled" now.

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

an ER doc that committed sucide recently in New York.

That is so sad!  Too bad she didn't just take an extended leave of absence rather than ending her life, such a waste!  This is hard on medical personnel.  They work long hours, can't see their families, often living in an RV rather than in their home to protect their families.  Even changing professions would be better than taking your life!  That is so permanent and robs herself and her family of all that could be.

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I think all the car wash places are closed.

I washed my carwash in a drive through place...then the pollen hit, should have waited a couple of weeks.  Our pollen count is high yesterday and today, affects my breathing.  Everything is slippery due to being covered with pollen.  Will be glad when we're past this..

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Chatting with the kids as I sliced it fresh baked as hthey knew it was a special night for crusts.

Arlie loved pizza.  I loved sharing it with him.  That is a thing of the past both because of how I eat and because Arlie is gone.    Kodie will never know.  But Kodie likes EVERYTHING!  Radishes, lettuce, cabbage, meat, ANYTHING!  He is a munchkin.  I have to be careful around him.  Last night I was grinding coffee beans and one dropped and he was on it.  I had to open his mouth, facing downward and shake it to get it out.  Don't know if they can tolerate a coffee bean or not but they can't chocolate beans so I didn't figure coffee would be good either.  I don't know why he eats the things he does, I have to be careful he doesn't swallow hay, gravel, poop on our walks.  You know you're a dog mom when you have to fish poop out of their mouth with your bare hands and then wash your hands in wet grass until you get home. 

Gwen, I enjoy what you write, don't ever worry about being down around us, we're all there to some extent, these are unique times...I only wish they don't become our new normal going forward.  I want my old life back, I took it for granted, I never dreamed everything would suddenly change so much.  I fear we'll miss the summer break I always looked forward to after the long hard winter.  I wish you some of your life back, the days when you could volunteer.  Lord, aren't we allowed anything good anymore!

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

they are having to destroy animals, milk is being poured out, I guess those chickens that are being flown to China to be processed and sent back to us in packages, they are killing hundreds of chickens because of supply and demand (as best as my  non-business brain can understand) and we will buy our beef from Namibia

I almost can't bear to read this..  Now we have to worry about getting MEAT?!!!  Bad enough I haven't seen T-paper in nearly 8 weeks.  Not even the scratchy kind.  But meat and greens is what I eat, beans have too many carbs.  Sigh, maybe I'll just starve to death.  I tried making Chia cereal for a break from eggs for breakfast but this morning my BS was too high, yesterday was okay so not sure it had to do with that.  I'm forever trying to figure out what to eat.  I've gotten rid of hundreds of dollars of food to eliminate excess carbs from my diet.  Trump said this is temporary, our supply is great, we just have to get the meat processing plants up and running and he's going to label them critical.  But I'm afraid they won't be able to keep up with demand with the new precautions in place and it will drive the price up.  So be it, we need to eat.  I tried going vegetarian for a summer but didn't lose any weight and my A1C didn't go down either.

13 hours ago, Marg M said:

Supposedly Texas had it if you entered, you had to stay two weeks, now that state is open (I think).

Yes they are opening back up, at least Phase 1.  And Georgia.  Don't know about anywhere else.  I'm about Corona-ed out.

8 hours ago, KarenK said:

Like covering the credit card keypads with plastic. You're just going  to touch the same plastic as the previous customer.

Hahahaha!  Right!  Use your own stylus or pen.  When I went through the drive-thru of the bank they wanted me to sign the receipt, I whipped out my pen and she said, "Oh good."  That's a concern of them too, although she had gloves and mask on.  Store clerks used to be friendly and ask about our day. Now they're brusque and nasty!  I hate what this is doing to people.

 

[kayc]

[ipswitch]

16 hours ago, KarenK said:

There are way too many idiotic things happening for us as mere mortals to understand. Like covering the credit card keypads with plastic. You're just going  to touch the same plastic as the previous customer.

Uhh, yup. think we're getting a UV wand to scan over our keypad, but most credit cards don't require a pin, but I don't work the cash/wrap, so not my problem. Or, wearing gloves. Sorry peeps, but the gloves are no cleaner than your hands would be. The virus doesn't burrow through one's skin.  I do get why cashiers would do it, though, and not because cash is dirty: I found my skin really dried and cracked after handling money, really uncomfortably dry and cracked.  Now they'd have a good excuse to wear them. But Boss doesn't want to even take cash. I don't know how many sales that will cause us to lose. We do have several really good customers who always pay in cash. 

My manager, (who I've like up to now) is freaked about contagion, and wanted us to wear masks with each other...which wouldn't be an issue except she has her favorite co-worker living with her and her spouse, so the way she presented this in the last Zoom meeting kind of made it feel like the rest of us were lepers. And...we don't even treat people who have Hansen's disease like lepers any more. With her anxiety about those of us who are the Great Unwashed, I'm wondering: there's the sales floor, and the back room.  No cafeteria. How are we supposed to eat through a mask? I think our elected officials are going to require customer-facing personnel to wear masks, anyway, but her attitude sort of left a bad taste in my mouth.

I'm guessing if I offer to work from home, maybe just in the store Saturdays, she will probably jump at that.