My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

The system won’t let me react to your post, Dee.  Yup, my neighborhood has so changed, I feel like the outsider.  Literally no one I converse with anymore except the kids next door on rare occasions they aren’t zipping hither and yon.  The landlord on the other side only because he was renting the house out.  Those were the neighbors that had been there over a decade that really helped me after Steve died.  Their moving was a huge loss socially.  Birthdays are hard.  I know the tears.  I feel it on mine too because I don’t feel special to someone in that way.  Almost a lifetime of that snatched away is so very painful.  I still miss getting a card/call from my mother and it’s been decades.  Another one of those bonds that run deep and can’t be replaced. 

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I don't know about the rest of you, I understand the sentiment but it irks me when I hear this because last I looked there was just me getting through this alone, no husband, no family, no friends around, just me, alone.  People who are surrounded by their family think they have it so hard because they "have to be together" but have no clue what it's like to be ALWAYS ALONE!

And I feel guilty even saying this because you have it so much harder, Gwen, with all you are dealing with on top of being alone.  I thank God for my Kodie.  If my son hadn't brought him...I shudder to think.

I got the idea of the human community, but yes, Kay, it’s very different for us that live that way all the time, pandemic or not.  I got up today to yet another nondescript day looking at endless hours to exist before I can go back to sleep.  My feet feel more numb today so walking is kinda weird.  That’s gonna be the big change today?  Wow, that’s added fuel to the sadness.  

I’m silently uncaring when I hear from people I know about their gripes regarding how they have to find ways to coexist 24/7 with their mates.  I know it’s a challenge but I also know how Steve and I would have handled it with minor irritation.  I play the part and say yeah, that must be tough on you guys but that’s not the truth.  They can’t see our side obviously.  I know one couple that distance a lot at home to not burn out.  They have the right idea.  It doesn’t take a genius.  I know that is why I reacted so strongly to that email I got from Steve’s buddy saying I wasn’t 'desperate' enough or I’d have gotten a roommate.  Ignorance and hurtful judgment on that for sure.  

I’m grateful I have the dogs even if it’s hard with Ally and her changes from very old age.  Being mostly deaf and messed up on pain killers breaks my heart.  Hearing a friends dog has cancer tore me up.  It’s all life, but others have someone to share the pain.  

A neighbor just stopped by I didn’t know.  She is having yard work done and wanted to let me know as it is along my back fence.  She wanted to know if I wanted a quote on removing my huge dead cherry tree.  Something we needed to do years ago. It’s a project needing done and she saved me the research for someone to do it.  Here’s the problem with this stuff.  They aren’t adventures any more.  They are pains in the ass.  This is something Steve would oversee and hevliked doing that.  I schedule, he dealt with the action.  

Ally?  Tree?  Surgery?  All things I want Steve for.  Yes, I can do them, I have no choice (the surgery thing is getting unlivable but I still can’t see doing it), and that is the worst reality.  No choice.  No one to discuss and share concerns or accomplishments.  

Yes, Kay.  Always alone.

[KarenK]

Ron has been gone seven years today, yet he remains in every room. I so wish I had been able to flee this place, but it was not meant to be. I have aged so much since he and Debbie left. I once had visions of traveling. They never came to pass and now it is too late. They say happiness is where you find it. I don't even know where to begin searching. The merry go round of life is spinning too fast and the brass ring eludes me. My mind still see all the things I want to do and can't.

If I manage to get one task a day done(like vacuuming), I consider it an accomp!ishment. This from someone who used to "spit and polish" the whole house once a week. Age and lack of energy has a way of lowering standards. We've hit that time of year where it's too blasted hot to be outdoors for long even if I had the energy for activity. It will be this way until October. Good a time as any to be stuck in the house, I guess.

[Gwenivere]

22 hours ago, KarenK said:

Ron has been gone seven years today, yet he remains in every room.

They say happiness is where you find it. I don't even know where to begin searching. The merry go round of life is spinning too fast and the brass ring eludes me. My mind still see all the things I want to do and can't.

Age and lack of energy has a way of lowering standards.

I’m so sorry it’s an anniversary and that one.  So very hard.  Steve surrounds me too daily.  But the date when i half died too is the worst.  

All the things I wanted to do somehow involved him.  I had my own things which are now gone because of this damned pandemic.   Hear ya on getting one thing done an feeling it was at least something when I didn’t have enough hours in the day.  And those things that sit because I can’t do them.  

I did the major cleanings too and now have adapted to less rigid levels of perfection.  I’m too unmotivated to get   carpet cleaners out which would be great and something I used to do, but finding it too much to handle.  It comes from nothing bringing accomplishment anymore.  Just something to cross off the 'should do' list. 

I was reading that people are actually spending more during this lock down from boredom or trying to fill the emptiness.  I know I have by overbuying food.  Their talking impulse buys that don’t pay off.  Fallon had quarantine quotes from people and one woman said she can now tell the difference between USPS, UPS and Fed X by the sound of brakes and engines.  I recognize the unmarked vans now to keep up with demand as my neighbors get deliveries almost daily.  I can’t even think of anything useless to buy and I don’t want to give up my grocery shopping.  More hours in this house?  No thanks!

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

Ron has been gone seven years today, yet he remains in every room. I so wish I had been able to flee this place, but it was not meant to be. I have aged so much since he and Debbie left. I once had visions of traveling. They never came to pass and now it is too late. They say happiness is where you find it.

Karen:  Sorry you have to add one more year on your calendar indicating the loss of your Ron.  These anniversaries don't seem to get any easier.     

I share your feeling trapped in a life without plans and visions.  That is one of the hardest things to face each day is not having anything to look forward to with our loved one -- other than just getting through the day.  Warm thoughts to you, Karen.  Dee

 

[Margm]

5 hours ago, KarenK said:

Ron has been gone seven years today

Does not matter how many years, does it Karen?  The feeling sometimes for me is unreal.  I swear, it does not matter, the nanosecond goes through my head that he is on the other side of the bed when I wake up.  I'm fixing to do something as crazy as moving the first few months after he left.  Our big ole California king sized bed is fixing to go to the dump.  I know we had it at least 30 years.  I put a new cover on it a few years ago.  I sleep on one small side (well, as small as I am, but I have not expanded to the middle of the bed yet).  I am ordering a twin sized memory foam bed.  It won't be far from the floor if I fall off.  My bones ache so much I don't think I move around much.  Everything I have done is something Billy would not have done, so I don't think I will suffer too much.  I keep pillows all on his side, lots of them, including the one holding his clothes he always wore.  I will keep them.  

I'm sorry, these leavaversaries are tough.  My heart is with you.  

[kayc]

16 hours ago, KarenK said:

Ron has been gone seven years today

Karen, I wish I'd have seen this yesterday...I wish for peace and comfort for you, I know these times are so hard.  Next month Father's Day, the 19th will be 15 years.  It doesn't get any easier, we just live with it as we have no choice.  

 

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 She wanted to know if I wanted a quote on removing my huge dead cherry tree.

Here I'd contact my neighbor and he'd cut it up for free and he'd sell the firewood.  Or if I needed the wood (and cherry is great for firewood) he'd do the cutting free and sell me the firewood at his usual rate which is half what other people charge, AND he stacks it!  I used to have to stack it myself but am having a harder time physically with my hands/wrists.  Well everything, knees, back.  Growing old sucks.  I'm sorry about your friend's dog.  Brings back memories, it was so hard to go through yet I'm glad for each day I had with Arlie.  I just wish he hadn't suffered.  Damn, no easy way through this.

 

 

 

[brat#2]

Karen, those anniversary dates are so hard and they just keep coming!  I hope you got through the day pretty ok and my heart is with you. 

[Gin]

Karen,

Thinking of you and hoping your day was not too bad.  These days are hard to deal with.  My daughter is coming over today and sit in the yard with me for an hour.  This pandemic is so hard on everyone.  Gin

[scba]

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

 I am ordering a twin sized memory foam bed.  

After widowed, I never slept on a double bed again. I can't do it. Mine is a small size bed and fits perfectly with what remained of myself. 

[Margm]

10 minutes ago, scba said:

After widowed, I never slept on a double bed again. I can't do it. Mine is a small size bed and fits perfectly with what remained of myself. 

Well, that sounds good.  I only use a small (adjusted to my size) section of the bed.  I have pillows and other things covering the rest.  Will be rid of it soon.  Billy is not there.

[scba]

The big bed expanded the feeling of loneliness and abandonment. Back then I had too much on myself at the time to go to bed while I was staying with my parents. I couldn't add more painful feelings.

If I had been a Greek God, I would have set fire to all, our bed, our clothes, our apartment. two weeks later after he died, I had to move out. I will never, EVER, forget the moment when I closed our bedroom door and left our home for the last time.

I have survived to all that. But I'm carrying too many scars, too many wounds, too many burials, to many left behind. As long as I'm alive, my pursuit is serenity. I have no big dreams anymore. I have downsized my expectations. I have downsized my bed.

Perhaps that's the reason I never attached myself to anything else. 

[kayc]

I understand Ana, I haven't slept in our bed all these years, choosing to sleep in a recliner instead...the bed is an empty reminder of who is missing. 

 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, scba said:

Perhaps that's the reason I never attached myself to anything else. 

Ana, I think you did what you had to do for yourself.  Sometimes it does no good to look behind you.  Memories are beautiful and also can hurt, even if they  were happy at the time they happened.  We do what we have to.  I applaud you.

[Gwenivere]

If it didn’t require me so much money to get rid of our bed I would.  It’s hard for me to maintain it being a king.  The cost of another bed and linens would be monumental with my other unexpected bills like emergency vet visits.  Thousands in property taxes, etc.  I also don’t have the physical ability to shop like I did.  I bought 2 new mattresses since. Steve died.  I should have downsized then but didn’t see the coming back disability.  I remember when we got the king and thought wow, we really made it!  We had bought the house and it fit and gave us lots of sleeping space, him being over 6 ft. and me close to it.  Had room for the dogs too.  It would look odd in there without it, but maybe I could change it more often than waiting on the housekeeper.  Especially now as it will be weeks!  I miss sleeping with him, but the venue isn’t what’s important for me.  It’s missing him so very much.  Too much if that’s possible.

This darned pandemic has me missing him to an extreme.  Going back to phases I cannot be consoled wanting him back.  This is the hugest challenge we’ve ever faced and I never thought I’d ever be alone, much less having this happen,  I truly feel there just is no place for me in this world anymore.  Without his love there is no life.  I’m tired of existing and the work it takes when you don’t care.

[Margm]

Gwen, I used to worry about your "attitude" toward maybe not wanting to live.  I think we have all visited that dark place.  I have seen a change though.  My chronic depression made me suicidal at times, then I got cancer, and when you have something you have to fight, you don't invite suicide.  Death may come soon enough to all of us, but until then, we will fight the pain, fight the struggle life throws at us, and I have seen a fighting woman appear in the place of the woman I thought had given up.  I'm proud of you.  It is no fun living without them, but something pushes us sometimes to fight, even if it is a feeble fight, it still survives.  

I just read what you wrote, I am going attribute it to "these trying times" we are going through.  

[kayc]

These times are challenging to all but more so to us who have lost our partner I think.  Never dreamed anything like this would happen but facing it alone is really hard.

[Gwenivere]

Really hard is an understatement.  Maybe best to use those as what I see, hear, read and experience shows me life will never be the same after this.  Economically the fallout will be astronomical to small businesses.  How people work will be impacted.  Everyone will have trauma of some sort from all it’s going to take to get thru this.  That guidelines change not just from day to day but sometimes during one day is frustrating and no one can at least have a sense of a timeline.  The experts are working overtime on this and finding more hurdles than expected.  This virus is a combination of 2 usually separate kinds.  Widespread but not life threatening and widespread lethal.  Never seen before.  The 1918 flu was lack of knowledge and resources not yet invented for sanitation.  Ebola was quickly recognized by comparison and relatively quickly contained.  Also mutations which this is doing.  People are having to face crisis with strict guidelines for safety for help if they can find help.  Abuse statistics are rising as are homeless people being ousted from encampments with no place to go.  Those of us fortunate enough to have homes and food are still impacted mentally seeing all this helplessness it’s creating.  For young people old enough to remember this as they age it will impact their lives forever.  My mother never got out from under living thru the Great Depression.  She was always in fear of running out of things.  We weathered 9/11 but look how that changed the world.  Sorry for the run on, but facing this alone is a fear inside that makes handling this the heaviest thing ever.  Like the song goes....we all need somebody to lean on.  We don’t have that.  

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, Marg M said:

 My chronic depression made me suicidal at times, then I got cancer, and when you have something you have to fight, you don't invite suicide.  Death may come soon enough to all of us, but until then, we will fight the pain, fight the struggle life throws at us, and I have seen a fighting woman appear in the place of the woman I thought had given up.  I'm proud of you.  It is no fun living without them, but something pushes us sometimes to fight, even if it is a feeble fight, it still survives.  

I just read what you wrote, I am going attribute it to "these trying times" we are going through.  

I wish I could say I deserve your being proud of me.  These are challenging times in so many ways and honestly, it’s only the next.   dogs that keep me going and this instinctual thing to survive even when my brain says we’re done.  I don’t count dragging myself out of bed, forcing myself to eat, and wanting to sleep all the time a sign of any progress.  I have no plans, but if something happened that would be fine as long as it took me and not made it even worse.  Yes, these trying times are a very strong contributing factor.  It’s frustrating when you can’t make yourself care about anything as you once did.  Losing volunteering also has taken a huge toll.  It’s all about human contact and mine gone.

[Margm]

23 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Losing volunteering also has taken a huge toll.

I thought about you when my friend passed away.  She had been in the nursing home for 2.5 years.  I know she passed away alone.  I'm not sure anyone was visiting her except her best friend.  I quit going when I came in and she was facing the blank wall, laying in bed, not asleep, just looking at a blank wall.  Before I left, I know she was not recognizing me, but we talked anyhow.  As I was leaving she said "You don't really think I could forget that little red haired girl, did you?"  My other friend won't have to see her brother die (she was taking care of him, he had cancer too).  She won't have to see her daughter vegetating with her mind bending medicine, not aware of anything much, just that she won't be long following her mom, she has lupus.  I know this friend was so alone, except for the kindness of strangers, volunteers, because her family I'm sure was too busy.  

William Saroyan said this, and somehow when I thought I was going to die from cancer, this hit me in the face.  Now, when I did come close to death, I didn't think period.  I wasn't scared.  I just didn't think, except to ask about the two little dark haired girls, dressed alike, different color pinafore dresses.  Old fashioned, like when I was a kid.  Either real Angels or I was hallucinating (no one else saw them). They were with me all the way over in the ambulance.  Oh yes, I remember fighting the EMT's because they wanted to take off my wig.  

“Everybody has got to die, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case.”  ― William Saroyan

Anyhow, I'm not sure anyone has good sense anymore.  You wonder who is driving the train.  

[Gwenivere]

I reread what I wrote and can't make sense of the first sentence.  Went over and over it and don’t know what I was trying to say.  Definitely scrambled brain.  

You said have something to fight for.  That is what I am lacking.  Why I have slowly been fading away.  Do the hygiene stuff, but keep my hair up all the time.  Haven’t touched my lipsticks.  Change my jeans less frequently as well as shirts.  Need to have the house cleaned, a tree taken down, carpets steamed, Ally brushed, find a possible way to sidestep the back surgery, get some kind of exercise, feel interest in the world again,  can’t force it. I’ve tried.  Some afternoons I just sit here in a stupor.  Think of things to google in hopes I’ll find some solace.  I come here so much as I have nowhere else and type out all my thoughts because there is no one to talk to that would understand.  I reread my posts and say that person is melting down.  She is.  For brief moments I feel calm, but they pass so fast.  I crawl into bed and say please let this last a long time.   

I’m sorry about your friends deteriorating.  Always a sad thing to see.  I saw it happen with so many residents Ive known over the years.  It’s never easy.  I get very attached as there are so many wonderful people there.  I’d give anything to visit them and hear the stories.  I knew all the players in the gossip too.  I wonder how they are doing being confined to a room.  At least I have a house, yard and car.  I have my furry monster to brush when I get extremely bored as hair in my mouth is most annoying.  I watch my kids sleep most of the day and envy them.  They got this down.  Internal alarms deem food time.  I actually used the oven last night to cook some salmon and the house smelled great.  Used all my tricks for minimal clean up.  Bake on foil, nuke some corn and use kids to lick plate after their share of fish.  Raw carrots for them, dark chocolate kisss for me.  Next up a glass of wine and treats for them.  

Televist with my doc today.  Don’t know why. Just talked to him last week.  If he addressed the mental side as well it would help.  Don’t expect counseling, but full care would be great as it’s a big part of us too.  Many symptoms may be mental stress and not just a physically defined.  I could use help from headaches besides take some Tylenol.

[kayc]

Tylenol, the OTC I hope I never need.  I bought a bottle when this started, only one I could get was extra strength PM as they were all out of the regular and generics.  Took 2 1/2 weeks to get it.  I knew if I got this I'd need it because don't want to chance Ibuprofen.  But Tylenol never did anything for me.  If I use it it's because I have the COVID-19 so hope it never comes to that.  Otherwise it's Ibuprofen for aches and pains.

The birds are singing like crazy, not quite light out but getting there.

At least when we're here we aren't in our thoughts.  The thoughts suck.

[Margm]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Tylenol, the OTC I hope I never need

Got to admit, it does not help pain.  It is all I can take though.  the non-steroidal meds hurt my belly, so I take more Tylenol.  It does help with fever.  Dr. Webb said I could safely take up to 11 a day, which to me was terribly unsafe.  I have seen times I took up to 8 a day and tried to walk the pain off otherwise.  Sometimes, that is all you have.  Not that good for pain relief though.  The Tylenol PM's should help with sleep.  The PM has a generic for Benadryl, I think.  

You do what you can.  

 

[Gwenivere]

I’m paying wth pain big time today after finally putting Steve’s and Belle’s (our dog we lost 3 months before I lost him) ashes under a tree we planted decades ago for our fathers.  We named it John Joseph.  Metal had received his dear wife’s and was wondering what to do with them.  (He was advised to wait and not pressure himself about it so close to her death) in the Help topic.  It made me realize it’s been over 5 years and I had mine and there was never any plan we came up with.  I can’t say they don’t mean anything to me, but not, I guess, what they should.  They are just confirmation he is truly gone.  So after reading the posts I got both boxes out and spread them in the tree bed.  Looked funny all that gray dust so I hooked up the hose, dragged it out there and wet them down til they seeped into the earth.  Then rewound the hose.  Then.....I sat.  Wondering what I was going to feel.  I did feel some remorse.  It was spontaneous action.  Can’t take it back.  I knew that at the time.  But it also makes the most sense.  This is their home.  No matter what happens to me, they belong here.   I guess seeing the boxes bothered me.  Carrying out these plastic bags that were huge loves of my life reduced to that.  Like I was 'dumping' them.  No one else there as I felt compelled.  I feel the mistake I made was getting the ashes not knowing anything about grief and triggers.  I’m not invalidating they are important to many.  Not to me.  They created another weight to carry as if I didn’t do something with them, what was to executor going to do?  Seemed a tough thing to leave him with.  

Now I have empty boxes.  I put  them high on one of Steve’s shelves.  I had put his in the recycle as it was plastic but that felt wrong.  That really felt like throwing him away.  Gawd, it just never ends.  Started my day reading an article on HuffPost about people alone and having no touch, no personal contact.  The effects mentally without grief.  Throw that in, and it’s becoming torture.  Teleputer funerals, Mother’s Day and people can’t hug their mom.  I skipped how hard it was on cohabiting people because I knew that would be bull just from the couples I know that think it’s bad.  Not to start anything political, but I watched a Trump vid to get away from all this deeply affecting emotions.  I’ve spent the week talking to docs about surgery, pain, meds.   One conversation seems to spark 2 more things to do for answers.  All I want to do is get thru a day with tolerable physical discomfort.  All this planning to do things I have to is draining.  Looking at what I let slide adds to the heap.  Upkeep on the house slipping.  Want to brush Ally but it’s never enough.  By nights end Im a hunched over shuffling woman.  I wake hoping my legs hold out.  I need to get to the lab for a blood draw and will try today.  Docs want to up my thyroid med tho every try drives me bonkers with anxiety.  

Take out night.  Burger King the plan.  Wish I was more excited about it having eaten so healthy all week.  Is just simpler and I’ll indulge in potato chips.  Finished a series I was watching so have to start another.  One very good article I read was about sane celebrities not wanting to talk about their quarantines as they know they have advantages most don’t and don’t want to insult people like Ellen did saying her mansion has become a jail and Timberlake bitching about 24 home schooling.  

Meant to get this posted earlier.  Got home from a blood test and scoping out an upcoming doc visit, like to know where I’m going beforehand, a dollar store trip and am soooooo paying fo my ashes project last evening.  But the girls and I have burgers!  It was almost a medical trip thru the drive thru with change being sanitized and your bag held out in a tub to take.  Nothing like being by people and yet so far from them.  Muted the news as it was more back and forth about reopening schools and people that don’t think this is all that dangerous.  Did see some people playing golf today as part of experimental limited openings.  Gearing up for the weekend heatwave here.  

[widow'15]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m paying wth pain big time today after finally putting Steve’s and Belle’s (our dog we lost 3 months before I lost him) ashes under a tree we planted decades ago for our fathers.

Gwen:  Sorry to read you are experiencing pain after making the decision to spread Steve's and Belle's ashes.  I wonder if you did this expecting this action would ease some of your grieving?  Whatever the reason, you should just try to let the reason to release your two love's remains behind you.  I would think sitting in your backyard knowing the ashes are there, if not visible, could be comforting as this was, as you said, their home.   They will always be home and safe.  Each one of us have different feelings about funerals, burials, cremation, cemeteries.  It is my belief, we do what gives us comfort.  Bob and I both agreed we did not want a funeral and that we were to be cremated.  He always talked about having his ashes released in the Columbia River so his ashes would go out into the Pacific Ocean, where he spent so much of his life fishing.  I have not followed his request yet and his ashes are in a lovely wooden box in our bedroom these past five years.  When I pass, I have told our kids to spread our ashes together.  Hopefully my kids will follow my request, but wherever we end up, it will be together.   

At 16,  my Dad passed away.  Each time I would visit the cemetery, I never felt he was there.  He was in my heart and my memories.  After I moved to Tacoma I did not return to his grave site for forty years.  While on a visit to New Orleans I went back to the cemetery.  His headstone had been obliterated by a huge tree.   No trace of his headstone or my Grandparent's headstones.  Other than his name in a book in the office, and my memory of me and my family standing at his grave site when I was 16, there was no indication he was buried there.

On a visit to New York in 1965 for my brother's college graduation we were driving to Queens.  I was surprised to see a huge cemetery with white crosses almost touching each other.  I asked my brother why were the crosses so close together.  He explained that due to an new highway being built, the cemetery had to be moved and relocated.  After that, and my experience with my family grave sites,  I decided  cremation would be my decision once I pass.  

Not sure why I went through this long story, except maybe to point out each one of us have our own thoughts of our choice of our resting place.  Try not to be too hard on yourself.  Hugs, Dee 

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

It didn’t ease my grief, Dee.  But it did settle a resting place for the remains that always felt to me an unfinished task and my belief in freedom, not boxes.  It was bad enough that both Belle and Steve were taken by cancer and suffered so much.  To be left in a box just wasn’t right.  I can see your desire to be spread together as you have kids to do that.  I’ll still have to put a note in the paperwork to add me.   All in all, it was the right decision.  The tree's significance, Belle being daddy’s little girl and his hardest loss after his mother and they are together at their home.  

How sad your families graves were destroyed.  I see the military sites and the crosses are always close together.  It’s quite humbling.  My biological father is in one back in New York.  My mom and dad are in one in NM, but cremated.  I never could understand burying bodies when that option became available.  But that’s just me.  I received a military folded flag after my dad died.  Tradition I guess.