My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

My dad got a flag when he died too, fore having served in the Army...it along with everything else went to my brother.  He's buried in a cemetery in the middle of Eugene.  George and I both wanted cremation...besides, I lost my burial plot in a divorce.  Crazy.  I've told my kids to spread my ashes where George's are, they could spread some where Arlie is buried, they are all close together.  A spot in my backyard is dubbed "the family burial plot."  Not knowing what the future holds, I don't know if this place will have to be sold for my care when I reach that point but it has to be provisional as I want my ashes here.  It'll be my kids' last adventure with me.

Gwen, I hope you feel some relief to know where Steve and Belle are and no one can take that away from you, you did right by them.  I know it does nothing to lessen our sense of missing them but I do hope it gives you some peace.

I do have this with George, that no one can take away...this was his best place in the world to be, that speaks highly of the relationship we shared together, that this was his most peaceful and comfortable spot in his life.

[brat#2]

Gwen, glad you made that decision and I'm sure it will feel good knowing that they are at "home" forever now, sorry it caused you such physical pain though.  I have spread Dale's ashes in 2 places so far and still have a couple more to go and once that is done it will feel good that he will be in some of his favorite places forever.

[Gwenivere]

MMy only regret about the ashes is I pushed myself to far physically.  I’ve never been in as much pain as I am now.  It was getting the boxes out, 2 trips out to the tree with them, hooking up the hose, unraveling that, using it and looping it back up.  It was way too much at one time but I can’t stop myself from finishing something like a sane person would.  Wish it would have alerted me along the way when I had don too much, but oh no!  We’ll tell you overnight when you can barely move for days.  This is where I would insert a screaming profanity, but tender ears and all.  🙀

so im sitting here today wondering what to do.  There is nothing I need to buy, no volunteering as usual, couldn’t walk well if there was, lots of hours ahead of me and a weeks worth of talks with so many docs it makes my head spin.  We’re having high heat which is very uncomfortable, the usual covid (non) activity, I see lots of chores I’d like to do but can’t and feeling useless.  I can clean the birdcage, brush Ally a bit.  My house is dusty and hairy.  Put in a call to the cleaners that weren’t that great, but it’s better than this.  Wondering if I can handle a shower and what to do before for my daily escape.  It’s so weird not needing anything.  

Feeling guilt for griping at all.  I have more than many do. Even this dreaded surgery I have insurance.  There is a possibility it could help but I’m too scared it won’t and where that will leave me.  I’m spending more money in this lock down to try and fill voids while others struggle to feed their families.  I can’t find a balance like the people I see that yeah, are restless and frustrated, but finding creative things to do. Resentful of those with companions.  I watch the homeless that show up at the church where I donate for meals and grab one myself and see them as stronger than me.  

I want my life back!  I want to scream it out and cry and have someone care.  I want Steve.  I want to not have to watch my old dog exhibiting signs of dimentia.  I’m tired of watching my world fall apart.  10 years of this crap.  I reread the article about coping and how so many will emerge from this with PTSD symptoms.  They have them now.  I know I do.  I feel I’m having dimentia.  Have to concentrate so hard on simple things.  Just now cleaning the birds I spilled seed all over creating clean up that hurt. 

What does sound appealing, if it were only so, is televisit with a friend (have to have one first) and have a drink together.  Have some fun and not be consumed by pain and all these frigging meds I am on.  Something that felt decadent and almost normal.  Connection.  I only get that with docs and counseling.  I’m even finding it hard to do email.  I’m out of resources to act somewhat positive.  I can only relate to ones the other person is struggling too.  I don’t know what to say anymore to them that are handling this isolation better, tho all mine have partners so that accounts fir a lot.  All I get is.....it must be so hard.  What an understatement.  

And round the circle back to guilt and self pity.  2 sides of me I truly hate.  I’m sitting as I type this and know as soon as I stand reality will hit that it’s all I can do for physical relief.  Tried a new series on TV called Dispatches from Elsewhere.  Really confusing and depressing.  Guess I’ll try Blue Bloods.  I can look at Sellick any time.

Just typing now to avoid that.  Not fair to you guys.  Thanks for being there.  

[KarenK]

I guess I mostly try to focus on the small positive things like managing 4 hours of sleep(a rare event for me.....2 is the norm), an enjoyable movie, creating a pretty necklace. Of course, I'm not in extreme pain either. Anything very physical and I too am useless, short of breath and tire quickly. I just accept it and move on to something else.

Salons opened yesterday. Horrendous wait times. Decided to wait a while longer for a haircut.

Don't know if you're into colonial or viking type series but I liked Poldark, Victoria, The Last Kingdom, and Outlander(my favorite). I suppose my favorite new series is 9-1-1. I don't like comedies much but loved Carol Burnett Show and The Golden Girls. Now I'm really showing my age.

[Gwenivere]

I loved the Carol Burnett show as a kid.  She was/is comic genius and so genuine.  Golden Girls didn’t do much for me.  Only liked Betty White.  Haven’t seen any good comedies since Frazier and Big Bang.  

You’re right, Karen, pain saps any hope of positive thoughts when it is relentless.  I can’t move on from it because it follows me.  I try and be more upbeat when I write or talk to someone.  Probably explains when a simple email will take me a couple nights as I filter out my whining.  How you survive on so little sleep is amazing to me.  

having just washed this long hair again I am now totally sure I want it much shorter.  The trick will be having it washed first because of my neck.  They always say they can do things without washing it,  but that is a big part I like so I don’t have to for a few days.  No way I’ll compete with everyone.  I’ll wait til the demand dies down a bit.  I’m a walk in, let’s do it now person.  

I like period pieces, never watched one about Vikings.  I was into Outlander for the first couple of seasons and it disappeared from my channel line up.  I understood how she thought she was cheating on her husband, but he hadn’t been born yet!  Lots of moral conflicts came to light in that show.  

I’m watching Big Little Lies and the cast is great as well as the story.  Then I have Schitts Creek and Ozark coming.  Netflix screwed up Lies so I have The Current War about Edison,  Westinghouse Tesla to finish before I get the next disk.

Passed a community center coming home and they had meals for anyone.  I made a donation and got some enchiladas, beans, rice and watermelon.  Tomorrow the church I donate to for their food program will be serving.  Truly helps as standing to prepare things is so hard right now.  Plus I can give back to the places to cover lots of meals.  It’s money Steve and I would have spent on date night dinner.  Hit the dollar store for chips, raisins and other snacks.  Girls told me to buy lots of canned chicken for them.  Not that they are spoiled or anything.   😁

[KarenK]

Our girls had crock pot chicken with their food tonight. They always get a little of whatever we're having and they get the last two bites off my plate. Spoiled like yours.

The series I mentioned were all on dvd from the library. Will have to wait for the current season of Outlander. It airs on Stars which I don't have.

I used to have long hair and got it done up in a fancy style every week. It no longer meshed with my outdoor lifestyle after I married Ron so I had it chopped off in 1976 and never looked back.

I'm jealous of your enchiladas and beans😁

[Kieron]

10 hours ago, KarenK said:

I don't like comedies much but loved Carol Burnett Show and The Golden Girls. Now I'm really showing my age.

Karen, I can't resist sharing this cute illustration I found, so perfect for this time.  I hope it brings a smile or even a laugh.

 

 

[KarenK]

PERFECT! Just perfect, Kieron. It's scary when you begin to identify with these crazy old ladies.😊  All gone now except Rose. Don't think you're old enough to remember Carol Burnett's show, but the skits they did had you laughing to tears. Harvey Korman could never get through one without cracking up over crazy Tim Conway. I'm far from a prude, but I enjoyed that humor so much more than some of today's garbage. My son is 41 and doesn't get the "oldsters" comedy. Sad, but a sign of the times.

[Kieron]

I definitely remember Carol Burnett.  Her show used to be shown a bit later than I was allowed to be up, but sometimes I would be permitted to stay up and watch it.  Most of the humor went over my head, I'm afraid, but that's why YouTube has been such a blessing.

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I can’t stop myself from finishing something like a sane person would.

This brought me a chuckle for I am the same way!  When I start something I have to finish it.  That's why I'm not a quilt maker, although I did make some eons ago...I work feverishly on something to get it done.  I'm the same way on the church books.  I feel I must get it done completely and don't like to leave part of it for another day, making it harder on myself than meting it out.

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

All I get is.....it must be so hard.  What an understatement.  

I don't even hear that from people, it's like tthey don't even comprehend that what they are going through is any different from what I am...all the while watching a movie WITH THEIR HUSBAND, eating dinner WITH THEIR HUSBAND, playing a game WITH THEIR HUSBAND, going for a drive WITH THEIR HUSBAND.  They don't get that they ARE NOT TRULY ALONE LIKE WE ARE!   They are upset that they are missing their book club!

Kieron, loved it, so funny!

Karen, Carol Burnett, a true comedian!  Used to always watch it in the sixties!  We watched that, the Honeymooners, my dad like The Red Skelton Show.

 

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

I don't even hear that from people, it's like tthey don't even comprehend that what they are going through is any different from what I am...all the while watching a movie WITH THEIR HUSBAND, eating dinner WITH THEIR HUSBAND, playing a game WITH THEIR HUSBAND, going for a drive WITH THEIR HUSBAND.  They don't get that they ARE NOT TRULY ALONE LIKE WE ARE!   They are upset that they are missing their book club!

 Yah, it’s sometimes subtle but I hear it like it was being played at full volume.  So and so and I are.....going to, just finished, made a, took a walk, bought a, decided to try, cooked a....you name it.  All kind of things they are interacting together that is a continuation of the norm they’ve always known.  Challenged like everyone in this quarantine.  Have someone to go crazy with.  This Is pushing people’s coping skills.  I know I am hitting walls of emotional set backs rapidly now.  Woke up today to another of physical pain, knowing it was another day to kill and now I don’t even have hope that the evening will hold some kind of contentment.  Been thru it too many times.  When I go out today and interact I’ll get the 'have a good evening' parting remark from people.  I used to say it myself.  Of course I reply 'you too'.  

Can you imagine if we said the reality of it?  Like, yeah, I’m going to go home to where my husband and I used to have a life.  But instead I’m going home to utter loneliness to sit and wait til I can sleep in hopes it will last long and I don’t have to deal with this reality no one gets except others doing the same.  I’ll be staring at a TV or trying to read things I used to care about.  I contemplate what reason I have to continue doing this day after day.  I won’t be bitching about anything as there is nothing happening that affects me anymore except pain and loneliness.  I feel nothing inside.  I don’t feel I matter in the world anymore.  I’m going to lose my last tie to my husband when our dog dies.  I’ll be hoping I don’t lose balance and fall.  I won’t be talking to anyone because I’m getting to burned out hearing about their impatience to get back to their full lives that they don’t even realize are stil pretty darned full with their families.  

The only reason I know today is Sunday is because the is when an acquaintance and I have a video chat for about 45 til she has to start making dinner for her and her wife.  My big thrill will be getting a paper and picking up an RX.  

I’m surrounded by things I’m grateful for.  Food, a house, a car, my medications, even down to my nicotine lozenges.  That imposes a gag order when talking to people.  I have so much!  But we all know what is missing that makes all that stuff something we 'should' feel so much more appreciative of.  I feel guilty, maybe shame, for being so unappreciative.  It’s been pointed out to me repeatedly by those that have that missing ingredient that sparks it all into things I know I am fortunate to have.  So I say nothing.  No words can justify my not feeling what I’m expected to.  That’s the real Catch 22.  That I don’t have a good enough reason to feel this depressed.  Especially after 5 years, tho the physical maladies are enough to drag anyone down.  Just fix them!  Have surgery!  Get on with 'your life'.  Keybword being life.  They miss that part.  It’s existence, nothing more for me.  Add in inability to do anything physical beyond the basics, which doesn’t include much walking, and it’s pretty bleak.  The streets are filled with people walking.  I can barely make it to the back of the house to throw the ball for my younger dog.  All this inactivey can get dangerous.  DVT's and all.  I sure have the possibilities with large calf swelling at night.  

Ramble for the day.  I’d love for Steve to patbme on the head and jolt me out if this funk.  Make fun of the gimp.  Give me reason to fix it.

[Gwenivere]

I have one more gripe.  Wearing oxygen makes your nose run.  So often drops of it hit my tablet and the bathroom floor or my jeans.  Makes it hard out shopping as people think you are sick.  It disgusts me!  The dog hair around here doesn’t help either. Just brushed Ally a bit and Lordy!  

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 No words can justify my not feeling what I’m expected to.

It justifies itself, because that's how you feel.  And I care about you.  I've said it a million times here but I truly mean it, I wish we all lived closer, instead we represent all over the country and many countries beyond.  There is a bond here.  You know me, you all have listened to me yammer for years, what you read is who I am, good and bad.  Here we tell our innermost thoughts, feelings, fears, triumphs.  Things we never tell acquaintances.  

Allergies are making my nose run.  I hate it when I go for a walk and forget the Kleenex!  I hear you about being glad I haven't done it in the store, enough to cause pandemonium!  

Yesterday was the worst Mother's Day I remember having.  Didn't hear from my kids until past my bedtime.  Got to bed three hours late, woke up 3 am, didn't get back to sleep.  Will be a long day.  Should have taken a Benedryl.  Note to remember to tonight when I wake up.

We did have Drive-in Church yesterday, the pastor's sermon was great, so was the special music.  But not getting to see, touch, talk to the others who were all in their cars spaced several feet apart, that was hard.  I miss everyone.  These people are my family!  I haven't gotten to see my kids, church family, grandkids in over two months and Lord know how much longer it will be.  This isn't a  life worth living right now.  They say this will change our society forever, not sure I can do this.  It has lost its joy, its value.  I keep hoping...for what?  Normally our church hands out roses to the ladies...not yesterday.  Yesterday I needed one.  

To my kids' credit, Paul had been camping in a remote area (had to drive across the state to find somewhere and it had no elec, water, bathroom.  I'm glad they got away, he had one of the worst weeks of his life.  Which still beats my everydayness, although I wouldn't tell him that.  I guess it's like that saying, "The worst grief there is is your own."  The worst everything there is is your own.  Melissa was babysitting and they took twice as long as she'd thought they'd be, so she was still there and the kids making racket so she couldn't hear/talk.  Said she'd catch me up later.  Told me Don might have a roommate possibility...I hope/pray it's somewhere else!

Kodie saved my sanity, what little bit there is.

Gwen, I'm still getting Arlie's fur up!  No matter how much I clean, I still find more.  It was like that when Lucky passed too.  My mom found some of her fur at her house a year later!

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Here we tell our innermost thoughts, feelings, fears, triumphs.  Things we never tell acquaintances.  

I haven't gotten to see my kids, church family, grandkids in over two months and Lord know how much longer it will be.  This isn't a  life worth living right now.  They say this will change our society forever, not sure I can do this.  It has lost its joy, its value.  I keep hoping...for what?  Normally our church hands out roses to the ladies...not yesterday.  Yesterday I needed one.  

Gwen, I'm still getting Arlie's fur up!  No matter how much I clean, I still find more.  It was like that when Lucky passed too.  My mom found some of her fur at her house a year later!

I know I can’t talk about the stuff I feel anywhere but here and with my counselors.  It’s too dark at times, too scary for others, would have to be modified to not make them extremely uncomfortable and they’d never get it anyway.  

I don’t have as many people to miss as you, but just one is enough to push anyone over the edge.  Even having had Zoom conversations intensifies how distant we’ve all become.  My brain doesn’t register why I am on the computer with these people that live so close to me.  I, too, see how this is going to change society.  You can’t put people thru this kind of stuff and there not be trauma from it for many.   Small children are being trained to avoid people.  We were encouraged to socialize, they are getting the opposite.  I don’t know how I’ll make it thru this either.  I’m not the person I was.  Woke up again wondering, what’s the point?  I can’t do anything physically and my mind is......slipping.  I don’t know what hope is anymore.  Lost that a long time ago.  All the things that made my life feel worthwhile are gone.  Add in a body that is failing more.  Doesn’t paint a rosy picture no matter how I try and take in experiences others have had to feel it’s still worth the fight.  

Dog fur seems such a small thing but I know it will haunt me for a very long time.  Just like the loss of clicking nails on the floor and her bark.  I know, stay in the moment - she is here now.  Yet I can’t help I know more.  

I don’t ask for much.  I don’t get why I have to lose it all.

 

[Kieron]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Even having had Zoom conversations intensifies how distant we’ve all become.  

Agree, I don't like it much.  It's hard to hear clearly most times and sometimes I get glimpses into people's personal life that i'd rather not have.

[Gwenivere]

Oh my!  Never had that experience.  Tho I’ve heard lots of people only dress OK from the waist up.  Colin Jost and Micheal Che on SNL were joking about being naked when they do Weekend Update from home.  Why’s weird is how when we are talking to people we look like we are looking at something else as the camera is off to the side, top or bottom.  Then it’s who’s gonna end it first.  🙂

[Kieron]

haha, I just meant sometimes when it's a professional or work meeting, I wish the participants would take a moment to think about what the background reveals about them: political leanings, hobbies, interests, photos or pictures on the wall.  Sometimes I would rather not know.  It's like Facebook.  I would rather not know what my aunt thinks of this issue or my distant relative thinks of that controversy. 

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dog fur seems such a small thing but I know it will haunt me for a very long time.

I know...it doesn't bother me having dog fur around the house but when I see some of Arlie's it's enough to send me into tears.  God I miss that dog!

3 hours ago, Kieron said:

when it's a professional or work meeting, I wish the participants would take a moment to think about what the background reveals about them

They need a designated space they clean up or do like they sometimes do with a pull down screen/background.

I've never used Zoom, don't have enough data allotment.  Sometimes living in the tulies has it's drawbacks!

[Gwenivere]

I passed a park yesterday that we took all our dogs swimming at over the decades.  They are redoing it for some reason.  It was perfect before.  All I can figure is one of the many tree hugging granola eaters that are a huge population here thought something needed fixed.  It could be as simple as dogs jumping in the lake to chase the ducks tho that’s happened forever and the ducks are smarter than the dogs. I think they mess with them for fun.  We were getting migrating geese that were a huge problem years ago, but that was solved somehow.  It’s just another annoyance to me of changing things that don’t need it and losing more recreational places that had long standing histories.  Places you could count on to be a haven unchanged from all the apartment and townhouse building taking over any place that wasn’t paved now. They clear cut miles of blackberries that ran along the freeway and as a beautiful buffer for housing. Now it be redundant buildings where once it was apkace people picked the berries and kids hunted for golf balls from the adjacent course to resell. It certainly isn’t progress except to some companies wallet.  Just what we needed too.....more sources of traffic....not.

[kayc]

That's how it's gone for Eugene too.  Everything has changed (that's where I grew up) so much that I can't bear to drive through it.  Nothing is as it is in my mind's eye.  I remember where the Register Guard USED to be.  What Amazon Park USED to look like.  Where the roads USED to wind through town.  They've opened downtown, closed it, opened it, closed it, so many times to street traffic.  I think it's closed now although I don't know.  I remember where JC Penney USED to be on Broadway (ninth) and Willamette..  It's been gone from there for many years now, it relocated to Valley River Center.  I have memories of going there with my mom as a little girl, up to the fourth floor where we'd pick out patterns and materials.  I remember getting a sundae and Woolworth's and Newberry's.   Burch's shoes.  Kaufman's.  All moved, changed now.  

Even things in Oakridge have changed.  When I was a kid they had a swimming pool. Instead of fixing it they turned it into a sandbox.  It's not even there now.  The Sportsman, a mainstay, is long shuttered now.  Most of the businesses have come and gone, very few places to eat at now.  Almost no jobs.  Most are small businesses ran by their owners.  They come and go.  

George and I mostly took drives and walked the woods, even that's changed.  They did logging a couple of years ago and never cleaned it up, they ruined our trails.  I used to walk Lucky there every night for six miles.  Can't anymore, besides cougars abound.

[Gwenivere]

I woke up today actually feeling acceptance.  It was as fleeting as soon as my feet hit the floor.  What I absolutely hate about grief is the inconsistency.  Let me feel bad, numb, furious, depressed for longer than a few moments til another negative phase hits.  Positive never happens so it’s just pushing thru the fluctuating downers.  A brief respite would be awesome.  Haven’t had any of those since the 1st 2 years after he passed and I had energy for projects like framing new pictures, raisig a puppy, volunteering without pain.  Enjoying food.  Times long past. About to have a therapy session via computer and hopefully a shower.  Changed our bed last night after a month. Life feels stale all the time anyway.  It helped but now I need me feeling stable tho it never lasts long.  Haven’t figured that one out.  I sure don’t do anything to warrant feeling unclean.  Just feels good when it’s done as it takes so long now.  Plus have to sit and use oxygen.  Then it will be back to TV and boredom.  What a frigging existence.  

Wow, wrote that 3 days ago and forgot about it.  Talked with my doc today about the unrelenting pain and severe aversion to surgery.  I’m so desperate for reduction and terrified of surgery I made an appointment at a pain clinic for Monday.  See if they have any ideas or meds that can get this to a level that I somewhat livable without having hardware put in my body with no guarantees it will 1) work, 2) avoid infection or breaking down and 3) a huge risk and gamble I’ll be even worse.  The appointment papers were like filling out a small book and the appointment says it can last 2 hours.  I need to call the doc I’m scheduled to see Thursday as she is pre surgery check you over for possible risks.  On one hand I’d find out more about this delapidated.old bod.  But it’s another medical day and I’m sick of them!  Had another phone visit with the lung guy yesterday too.  And I stil feel as bad as I always do.  More drug names thriwn at me by my regular doc.  At least the lung guy said I didn’t have to do any of the treatments his predecessor said unless I felt the need to and my deterioration was stable.  

Marg, I’d sleep longer if it didn’t screw up my day as I’m kinda OCD about that now.  Being  in this frigging lock down I need a schedule or I’d disappear down the rabbit hole.  Wednesday was laundry, Thursday was the docs, today is housekeepers.  I usually move things out of the way but am saying screw it.  I’m paying them.  I still have my electric blanket to wash and put away for the summer, that’s enough for me.  They better do a better job this time too.  This place is in order.  Just needs to be dusted, wiped down, vacuumed and mopped.  I also told the owner to send at least one person that speaks English.  I’m in too much pain and cranky to deal with supervising what they should know about housekeeping.  Want them in and gone.  Asked if they would be wearing protective gear as I’m too vulnerable.  They better be.

boy, I can’t wait for the start of a brand new day, she says sarcastically.  

[kayc]

Yesterday I felt an instance of happiness, as fleeting as it came, a split second.  I don't know what that is that washes over me only to flee and leave me in this existence.  It's like a momentary peace...I have a roof over my head, heat, food, Kodie, much to be thankful for.  Yet I also have this underlying constant feeling that I can't do this the rest of my life.  This is no kind of life at all, one without people, church, family, nothing to look forward to, no light at the end of the tunnel.  And there lurking in the background will be that constant threat of the virus that can take us...I don't fear dying but don't want to leave Kodie unattended and I do not relish going by way of this virus, it sounds like pure hell.  The descriptions people have given instill a healthy fear of contracting it.

Gwen, I hope you'll let us know what you find out at the pain clinic.  I only know when my sister fell and crushed her vertebraes and the doctors left her to fend for herself, she couldn't get up or down, she couldn't take care of herself at all, if she had not had her husband there she would have had to go to a nursing home as I can't take her constant smoking and she refuses to quit so I can help her.  She was suicidal.  She threw up from the pain and meds and of course none of her regular meds would get into her system either so she was in bad shape.  She was losing her mind.  I'm very glad she had the surgery or she'd be like that the rest of her life but it got worse before it got better.  That was when she was suicidal.  Having her husband go through it with her was her savior.  The rest of us don't have that.  This aloneness gets very old, especially when you are dealing with so many medical issues.  

[Gwenivere]

That’s the biggest hurdle.  When I take away the fantasy of not having back issues, I keep going to how this would be a huge gamble, but if Steve were here, there would be motivation to try.  I got a call from the psychiatric nurse today and she upset me. So our relationship may end.  I usually have another crisis to add (I swear I don’t go looking for stuff.  I don’t know why it keeps finding me.) and she adds nothing.  I felt worse for talking to her.  It was more than enough having to do the other medical calls and emails since that is my weekly life.  The housekeepers I’m using til mine come back missed a lot.  I called and 2 are returning Tuesday to redo things.  I guess they didn’t count on me seeing under an end table the bird feathers, fur and a Kleenex.  Or the drool drops on the coffee table or dust on a large shelf and under the lamp I use at night.  I also had to sweep up some bird seed and fur in the kitchen.  I’d try another large company that is open, but this is precisely why I miss this little company I use. So I got  to re Pledge my coffee table because I needed an anger outlet.  

.I got a later appointment time for the pain clinic which was good.  They wanted me early to enter the book of info they needed into the computer while I would have to wait.  I dropped it off today instead.  I went and picked up my weekend 'to go' meals.  I had to drive a long way to Arby’s as I wanted their fish sandwich.  They don’t have them anymore.  Got something else and when I was getting the cash out the guy at the window and I talked a bit.  He asked about my day and I said not very good.  He said we all have bad days, you’ll get a good one.  I chuckled and said I’ve been waiting a long time for one.  He handed me my order and said it was on him.  It was so nice!  He not only shocked me that he had listened but wanted to help.  I’ll definitely be paying that forward.  

Tuesday will be busy with the housekeepers, a counseling session and I need a replacement back up part for my oxygen.  Perfect day if I have to hang around waiting as you have to sign for anything beyond tubing.  I’m scheduled to see the pre op doc Thursday which I don’t want to do, but she can give me info about my health and her assessment stands for 6 months if I somehow change my mind.  Ha!  I guess I would if I got paralyzed.  I also made an appointment for a vein scan that takes 2 hours in June.  I keep thinking maybe I’ll have disappeared by the time these things roll around.  I know what the treatment can be.......ta da! Surgery!  Oh, the thrill!  

All I want to do is be going normally crazy in this lock down.  Take a walk, brush my dogs, gripe like everyone else I hear.  I know that’s too much to ask.  I wish everyone a decent weekend.  Can’t believe Memorial Day is coming up.  

[kayc]

I'm so glad you got that little bit of good in your day, that is so kind of him!  Sometimes we just need that.

I'm sorry you had lousy housekeepers show up.  Sounds like the ones that clean hotels.  I've found dirty sheets, filthy toilets, places under furniture not clean, stuff left from previous people, filthy windows, it's disgusting.  Bad enough at home when it's your own dirt but to sleep in someone else's, no thank you!

Yesterday I started cleaning the grate in front of my carport and it hurt my back and hands, so I called a neighbor boy to finish.  Well he removed the grate and couldn't get it back on, broke and bent some bolts, stripped them, what a mess.  I asked the neighbor across the street for his advice as I didn't want to puncture my tires driving over bolts sticking up.  He helped him get it back on.  Now the kid has an idea about mounting a board in the center to keep the grate down where bolts are missing, I don't think a board will hold the pounds and pressure of a car driving over it, too much stress.  We'll see.  Wish I'd just toughed it out and done it myself the hard way which didn't harm anything but me.

My back is killing me from bending over the grate yesterday.  I can feel the rain in my bones, arthritis screaming.  Nothing some Ibuprofen can't help.

People are too quiet here nowadays.  Sorry if we're driving you away, we DO need a place to vent.  This was a good idea, Gwen, it doesn't clutter up new people's grief, but gives us a place to deal with our daily lives, all co-mingled with our lives after loss.  This is grief on down the road.

[Gwenivere]

I Yup, just needed a place to unload.  It goes with out saying that everything is accompanied by grief.  Why it makes those tasks Nd projects seem harder than they already or are as hard.  

I can’t quite picture this grate problem.  If it’s back on, wouldn’t it stay in place?  This is in the ground, right?  I do see the concern about driving over broken bolts.  I don’t know how big it is, but I’ve seen driveways around here with boards on them covering something.  Probably muddy places.

I wish ibuprofen or Tylenol would dent my pain.  I’m not even sure why I’m keeping this appointment Monday at the pain clinic as I know they will suggest meds and I’ve tried some and in general don’t want to add more pills to my day.  There's the added tranquilizers I take that will complicate things too.  Short of opiates, I don’t know what would be effective.  Oh yeah, surgery.  I just posted a link to Jimmy Fallon's new lockdown song in the covid thread.  Called Ready To Crack.  How I feel but for less comedic reasons.  One line is wanting his old life back.  Just like I hear from many others.  I go wow,.  At least you have one to go back to.  Not much difference here except so many places of distraction that are closed or too hard to do much walking in.  

I’m at a total loss of what to do today.  It’s drizzling and cold.  I have a long list of tasks, but no motivation.  I’m tired of having to force myself to do things every day or so desperate I do too many and wind up with nothing later.  The usual anger that if my back worked there is so much I could do with a much better attitude.  Or at least be frustrated, lonely or bored without having to dread standing up, much less walking.  My tradition is to hit one grocer I usually do today, but I don need a thing.  I’d just find things to buy to justify being there.  One thing I am finding  is I’m a lot less scared of the virus than I am at going crazy.