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The kid never showed back up, that's okay, I doubt wood would last anyway and then I'd just have a hard time getting the bolts out of it.  I have a double carport and there's a metal trench in front of it with a grate over it.  It's a real pain to clean, literally, at the bottom of a 15% grade driveway it gets all the muck and needles run down into it.

Last night we had an unpredicted huge wind storm.  I picked up branches out of the road fore 1 1/2 hours.  Kodie was good while I was outside.  My back hurts even more today.  I still need to check out the yard, haven't looked at it yet.  If you leave the branches in the road everyone drives over them which breaks them into a lot of pieces, making it much harder to pick up.  As it is, someone had already done so on some of them.

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m a lot less scared of the virus than I am at going crazy.

Yep, as Jimmy says, Starting to Crack.  Can't take pepsi on potato chips though, yuck!

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On 5/10/2020 at 6:31 PM, Gwenivere said:

I have one more gripe.  Wearing oxygen makes your nose run.  So often drops of it hit my tablet and the bathroom floor or my jeans.  Makes it hard out shopping as people think you are sick.  It disgusts me!  The dog hair around here doesn’t help either. Just brushed Ally a bit and Lordy!  

Does your oxygen machine have a humidifier? Oxygen dries out the sinuses and that is what causes it. When on a portable, a couple of shot of saline mist in the nose helps. - Take care - Shalom

 

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Yes, I have a humidifier cup.  Problem is the water trap doesn’t work very well so water gets in the line.  I have it placed close to the machine so my fault there, but when I tried putting it where the cannula hooks up to the long tubing it was flopping around and snagging constantly.  So it’s a trade off.  The connection itself without it gets snagged enough.  There is nothing more infuriating than having tubing pulled from your face many times a day.  The dance you do with it.  For a half hour I don’t wear it while I’m preparing for the morning and wandering around.  It feels so free!  I sure miss those days.  I should try more times like that.  I try and remember to take it off when eating.  I’d love for my car not to have the passenger seat and floor full of tanks and backups.  

I need to take Steve’s van out for a run and now I have to transfer the equipment. At least one tank.  Really a pain.  Before I just needed a bottle of water and my nicotine lozenges.  

Back is the worst ever today from organizing a high shelf of food.  Knew I was bending it backward but as usual it waited to wake me up early to complain.  Found a 'comfortable' way to lay and was so exhausted when the alarm went off.  I’d love to test that theory of sleeping without one and see how much sleep you need.  I’m just afraid I’d still be in there well into the afternoon since it goes off at just before noon and I allow one snooze.  Accidentally didn’t turn on my power nap one before dinner one night and woke up at 3:30am.  Ate dinner and went back to bed.  That was too freaky.  

Cool, cloudy day here.  Supposed to chat with a gal via Zoom later and going out for a Sunday paper and by a church I donate to their meal program for a dinner.  I reheat it later.  They usually have fresh fruit which I don’t buy except apples as they hold up long.   It’s more to be among some people too.  Many are from the homeless camp nearby. I feel for them as they are often ignorant of the distancing need thus vulnerable.  Others like me that more want the contact as we are alone.  Then back here for the usual night of passing the hours.  Wish TV interested me more.  TNT is running Black Panther so I have that set to record as I hate commercials.  I’m going to have to upgrade my DVR by years end and haven’t figured out how I will get the new fall seasons.  Can’t transfer recordings.  I’m wondering if this means I’ll have to stream.  That will be a new experience I never wanted.  I hate being forced into changes.  I like options and being a dinosaur fits me fine.  I run into so many probs not having a smart phone.  People are stunned I can live with a basic flip one.  What they don’t get is I have no one to text or talk to while I’m out.  They have real lives.  The internet would be handy, but I’d have to join a plan.

i get to prepare for a pain management clinic appointment Monday.  Not looking forward to that as the more I thought about it, the more I see it will be meds or saying I have to have the back surgery.  More emphasis on feeling trapped.  Just want normal backaches from being iny 60’s.  Worries about my elder dog when something happens.  Never seeing anything positive happening beyond littlecgems like the Arby’s guy not charging me for an order to brighten my day briefly.  If only I knew people that could consistently provide those little boosts that make being alive more palatable.  

Marg?  We need your annectodatal stories to balance out my salads of downer stuff!   I’m wondering ho you all handle being alone, if you are, and not feeling the need to pour it out.  I don’t know what I’d be doing in this 'new normal' (hate that term), but I know it was better than this.  I miss talking to people and fear as them mostly bypassing everyone often without at least saying hello.  Last I heard that wasn’t a  risk.  I miss wearing my hair down, but it not mattering to me anymore.  I’ve even stopped wearing 2 rings I always did with my wedding and anniversary ones.  No lipstick.  It’s hard to love yourself when no one else truly does anymore in that special way. 

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Picked up more branches today, finally tackled inside Arlie's fence and helped a disabled neighbor by picking up theirs.  Finally got the thunder storm they've been predicting.  Not looking forward to drive to the valley to the doctor tomorrow and getting groceries.  Seeing people also carries risk.  And I'll come home to Kodie digging and mucky.  Will be glad when tomorrow is done.

Yeah, Marg has been too quiet, not like her!  

My son got me a smart phone but I don't use it much as it doesn't have cell coverage here.  

Good luck with your appt. tomorrow.  

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Good luck to you, too, Kay.  I’ll be glad when tomorrow is over too.  One more doctor visit Thursday and a break for a couple of weeks.  Much needed too.  Wonder what will come up instead.  Not really an optimist right now.

back to trying to figure out how to open some foaming soap I’ve opened many times before.  I’m probably overthinking it.  I brushed the dogs when I got home and fighting back the pain.  Seems to make everything a struggle.  I was refilling the dogs water bowl and of course had to spill a significant amount on the table and floor.  Such little things that make ya feel dumb!

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I've been having a hard time getting my hands to work right lately, fumbly, like when I try to put Kodie's leash on him and he's constantly wiggling so I have to be fast but my fingers won't cooperate.

Missing my morning coffee.  :(  I know it's a little thing, it's my last remaining vice, but gosh I enjoy it in the mornings.

Let us know what you find out.  I really don't want to hear the outcome of my blood tests.  Nothing I can do about my white blood count or calcium being too high.  Or for that matter my cholesterol.  I have to eat something!  Doctors all want the Mediterranean diet but I can't have rice, spikes my blood sugar.

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Kay, I must have missed something. Why no coffee? Is it a diet requirement of did you just run out? Coffee is a must for me. I go through a pot a day. Son doesn't drink it, grandson rarely. It's all on me.

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Is there something you can substitute for rice?  Do beans spike blood sugar?   They are very healthy too. 

Gave up coffee decades ago......darned anxiety attacks.  Used to be that and Diet Coke all day.

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I asked the question 'what next?' Got my answer when I woke up. The housekeepers did a lackluster job were scheduled to come back out and do what they missed tomorrow.  Just got a call from the owner saying the women who were out were  'not comfortable' because I had been sick. ???  I haven’t been sick since February.  She wanted to knock some off the price and didn’t have it in her notes we agreed to have someone back out to redo the floors.  I distinctly recall the conversation after they left Friday.  Have it on my calendar. So now she’s trying to find a way to get someone here but it may not be tomorrow which so conveniently fit for me. Arg!  

I so often feel the one with the nonfunctional brain.  Times like this make me so angry, granted my patience is stretched thin, as I get so frustrated when businesses don’t document a conversation and I have to constantly say 'I told you that when we spoke'.  I keep notes too.  I'm the customer.  I know what my house looks like.  Now her employees are afraid?  The oxygen is not remotely related to covid.  It was here last time and no problem. 

My neighbors that mowed my grass last time didn’t this time.  The one that did said she would talk to the house 'master' to make sure they did every time and I would pay them.  She didn’t relay the info as theirs is done and mine isn’t.  I keep doing things to keep up aound here being so limited and it’s more stress.  I’m reposting the link of how this pandemic is affecting people.  I reread it as Huffington ran it again after another week passed and more people are losing it.

I just want to get thru a doc appointment at the pain clinic over with and call it a day.  

I did sleep well last night, right up to the alarm and then it hit me, another day in paradise.    Seeing a world in masks as we are being cut off from facial expressions like......smiles.  If anyone is smiling.   An acquaintance admonishes me for not wearing one all the time, but she has something to protect herself for.....a life.  Her marriage, her purpose in the world.  A reason to get up every day.  She’s still getting her 10,000 steps in on her fit bit.  I told her if I had one it would cry.  

It’s Monday, long week to go til the weekend and no being bothered by docs and housekeepers.  Just plain boredom and uncomplicated loneliness.  Oh yes, and pain.  I took a quick shower last night for lack of anything to do.  Might get to run the dishwasher tonight. Ya hoo!  

Had the appointment.  Meds were a problem as I expected.  They do think surgery should be the very last option as it is risky.  I go again in 2 weeks if I want to try to deaden the nerve/s causing the most pain.  It’s a bit complicated tho, go once for anesthetic to see if it’s the correct nerve.  If so, then again and they blast it dead somehow and is supposed to last about 6 months.  Then you do it again sans the finding it step.  Have to think on it.  They want me to consider gabapentin which makes people dizzy.  Pass.

One day down.  A gazillion to go.

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22 hours ago, KarenK said:

Why no coffee? Is it a diet requirement of did you just run out?

I had to do a fasting blood draw, my doctor appt was at 11:30 but they neglected to tell me they didn't have a lab technician so I had to go somewhere else for the blood draw, more waiting, didn't get to eat until 2:00 pm!  Didn't get home until about 4:30, put groceries away, walked each of the dogs, by that time I couldn't have coffee, too close to bedtime.  Guess what I'm enjoying now!  Nope, I'd never let myself run out of coffee.  Where I live I have to plan ahead, certain things I keep stocked up on!  ;)

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Is there something you can substitute for rice?  Do beans spike blood sugar?

I substitute cauliflower rice.  I try to keep some fixed & ready in the freezer as well.  Yes beans are high in carbs, although also high in protein and healthy.  I got rid of all of my beans, may try some next winter to see how it affects me as the net carbs is much lower than the total carbs.  Learning all these things!

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

the women who were out were  'not comfortable' because I had been sick. ???

Medical conditions, unlike sickness, are NOT contagious!  But then people seem to think grief is so it doesn't surprise me.  How aggravating!  I'd tell him it's too bad they didn't do a good job the first time then!  Grr!

Can your neighbors give you the phone number of the people that mow so you can contact them directly?

(posted elsewhere:) On a side note, people sued our governor for keeping the state closed down for two months+ and the judge ruled it back open, said she could only do that fore 30 days, she has to go back to the legislature.  Some people are flouting their freedom now instead of continuing safety precautions.  It's maddening as it will have detrimental effects with the spread of this COVID-19.  I'm sure other states will follow suit.

Good article, Gwen.  I like that site.

 

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I’ve been hooked on Werthers caramel nips since quitting smoking.  Had to get the original coffee nips last time.  I forgot what coffee tasted like since I gave it up 30 years ago.  Doesn’t appeal at all.  But the caramel levels it out a bit and I hate throwing something away.  I never heard of cauliflower rice.  Pretty much a meat and potatoes person.  Make that pasta!  My gluten free acquaintance eats all kinds of things I never heard of.  She’s the one still getting 10,000 steps in and cooking super healthy meals while I nuke the closest I can find.  She doesn’t even have a bag of potato chips in her house.  I’ve got about 4.  Beans are OK.  I usually get those in Mexican takeout thinking it’s healthier.  

Housekeepers coming back Wednesday now instead of today.  Boss said they’d revacuum where they missed.  I was expecting the whole house for the inconvenience.  Told her both kitchen and bathroom floors had to be done.  Need to call her back and find out about this 'not healthy' thing.  Also checking with my oxygen company to find out they don’t have me on the calendar  today for supplies.  They are on mine and I wouldn’t have put it there if it wasn’t set up.  Why is everything a fight?  Man, I feel bad for taking it out on the rep, but she’s my only avenue and I did tell her it wasn’t personal.  So everything I had organized for today is now tomorrow.  

My neighbors are the ones that mow.  I left a message for the one that runs the house about doing my place.  Since they live by text it may take her awhile to get it.  Calls are soooooo outdated.  :)

Things are opening up here too.  My dentist left a message about my chipped tooth about coming in.  I’m not too worried about that, but the restaurant seatings I am.  Hairdressers too, tho I’d love to get mine washed and cut.  I know they tried this in a few states and don’t remember how it went.  As there won’t be a vaccine for well into 2021, it’s going to have to be judgement calls for everyone.  It’s something I weigh all the time as I don’t feel much, if any, reason to keep drawing out this Groundhog Day loneliness.  I certainly wouldn’t want to infect anyone, but when it comes to me possibly getting it, do I really care?  Since getting up today I feel there is no escaping the pain of waking life, watched Ally struggle to come up 6 stairs, sit here to type this knowing when I stand it’s misery.  Only thing now is counseling at 4.  It’s frustrating to have to add in the stuff that happened today as I had plenty to cover without it.  Thought I would have a non medical week next week but got in at the dentist to have the chipped tooth attended to.  

Found another article on HuffPost.  Thought it was the same one, but it’s slightly different.  I know I love with daily headaches, digestive changes, blurred vision, all kinds of whacky stuff from the anxiety and stress we often don’t realize we are under big time from this outbreak.  We see the obvious stuff.  That’s tough enough.  But there is so much more affecting us.

 

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Well I spoke too soon...the supreme court threw out the judge's decision so the governor's orders stand for now.

I decided I'm going to my granddaughter's fifth birthday party...I talked to my son about them not having people around the two weeks beforehand, and wearing a mask if they get groceries...they're in one of the harder hit counties, Marion, I won't be stopping anywhere there.  I got to talk to my granddaughter on the phone today.  I need to make her birthday card this week, will probably take at least an hour, I'm too exhausted today (I've been cooking) so maybe tomorrow.

It's been so quiet lately.  I got to walk with a neighbor yesterday, we just kept our distance, Kodie enjoyed the longer walk and I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for a few months so it was nice catching up.  I'm not yet ready to be set loose and take my licks, this virus scares me.

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I can’t decide on this virus.  I mean that as it’s the biggest catastrophe we will probably ever see and nothing will be the same after this.  Showing my age, this is the kind of change I’m not sure I’ll handle well.  Or maybe it’s just too much with the endless grief factor.  Others will be facing this with their mates and friends.  I wake up and just see emptiness.  I really prefer 'living' in that sleep world.  It’s just too complicated out here now alone.  I so want to feel connected again and after 2 months, knowing this isn’t going to end anytime soon, I feel invisible now.  I have interactions with people and I feel a spark of life.  As soon as it’s over, it’s gone.  Exactly showing what is missing with Steve gone.  The endless hours to fill that were not even a thought before. 

I want to care about something.  Be excited.  Be motivated.  Be truly and justifiably angry.  Not just the petty annoyances that feel so overblown now.  The oxygen and housekeepers have come and gone.  Have a Zoom counseling session soon.  I don’t even know what to say anymore.  Don’t know what I’ll do when that is over.  I’ll have to get out for a bit.  Wish there was something I wanted or needed.  It was never a dilemma with Steve.  Know I’ve said so many times and we all feel that way.  Can’t go back.  I want to scream about that but I only feel depressed.  I’m angry I have to go to the dentist and it won’t be an easy fix.  The thought of eating dinner has no thrill.  It’s just fuel and creates chores of flossing and brushing.  Those were once just a part of the evening.  I now add aspercreme to that ritual.  Don’t get to come back to the living room to meet Steve for a movie. Getting to dislike the at home editions of Fallon and Kimmel.  Just a reminder of this crap.  

I don’t think I will ever get past hating being alone.  More so, it intensifying.  A friends dog died yesterday and I never got to see or touch her since her cancer was diagnosed.  Now she is gone and it feels wrong.   

The world is full of people but you’d hardly know it anymore.  My lawn was mowed by my neighbors today because one got bored.  I’m sure they don’t mind a little extra cash for beer or a pizza.  

Just getting around to posting this.  Settled back in for another night.  Suppose to see the assessment doc tomorrow fir the back surgery. Guess I’ll go and gather info about my body.  It’s early for me in the afternoon so I put off going to the Dollar Tree to have something to do after.  I went to the grocers and as usual it was odd with all the people in masks and avoidance.  

Running out of stuff to watch at night.  I thought most of the new seasons would have been filmed for the spring but I’m not getting anything.  Can’t really jump into shows that are years in and know what all is going on.  Even if I increase my Netflix level I’ll go thru that faster than anything new will come out.  Never though I’d be so dependent on TV.  We always had way more to choose from.  I’m going thru magazines fast too.  Can’t concentratrate on books.  Email has more business stuff than personal.  Truly a lonely time.  

Babble over.  Have to try and clear out some email that is bugging me like a pet grief counselor who just can’t seem to get I keep telling her I’ll call her when I am not caught up in all this medical crap.  She ends every email with wanting to talk the next day.  Maybe this is a sign this isn’t a good idea.  I just don’t know anymore.  

See ya'all tomorrow.  Holiday weekend and can’t do usual things like a BBQ.  My grill master is gone.  I could tell the people at the store buying stuff for their families.  😓

 

 

 

 

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Gwen, I don't remember you mentioning how your pain management appointment went on Monday. Any help  there at all?

Hallmark channel is having free movies all month so I've watched a lot of those. I don't care for romance movies, but they have a lot of dramas also. It's nice to watch a movie with "clean" dialogue. Turned on some movie on Netflix yesterday where every sentence had the "F" word. If they had removed that word, it would have been a silent film. Enough is too much. I turned it off.

Hope all goes well with your appointment tomorrow.

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Karen, if you read the post from Monday it says mostly how the visit went.  Basically it was good. At least they backed up everything I researched and said I was right about the risks of surgery itself plus it leading to more surgeries down the line.  It could also do nothing or so little that I’d do the longgggg recovery to be no better off.  The nerve deadening would be hit or miss but works very well if they can find the right one.  Lots of trips possible for that and painful injections. I at least felt validated that my concerns are rational and thought out and not swallowing  the surgeons glossing over the seriousness of it.  

I’ll have to see if I can find the Hallmark channel on Direct TV.  I, akso, don’t like romance, but dramas I do.  I only get disks from Netflix, you must have streaming, yes?  I pretty much swear like a sailor from working a male industry in my heyday so if you and I talked you’d mute me. 🤐 

Thanks for the wishes tomorrow (today).  If she clears me for surgery that means some of my body is still OK.  How are you holding up?

how about everyone else?  

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I can certainly understand why you're so hesitant about the back surgery. There are so many factors to consider.

My grandson says our Netflix is technically "streaming". I get it on my cable as Cox has paired with Netflix to provide it or on my computer or Kindle. I have the tier that allows 2 devices at the same time as my grandson watches stuff also. Will keep it for a few months. I also swear like a sailor if I'm mad. I watch a lot of rough movies and don't mind the swearing but this was beyond ridiculous. I'm not positive but I think it was "End Of Watch", a cop movie.

I am doing okay, I guess. I haven't ventured out again since my "big" dollar store trip last week, so haven't got a haircut yet. Was kind of waiting for the rest of the prisoners to get theirs cut.

I have given up on a sleeping schedule. When I start falling asleep in the chair, I go to bed, usually for two to four hours. Then I get back up until I'm sleepy again Works better than staring at the ceiling with my heart pounding(still haven't figured that out yet). I have nowhere to go(no gas to get there) and no one to talk with, except the guys and folks here and my constant furry companions(they are always with me). It's not much of a life anymore, but I might as well accept it.

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12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

A friends dog died yesterday and I never got to see or touch her since her cancer was diagnosed.  Now she is gone and it feels wrong.   

I am so sorry.  My friends that Arlie loved did not come to see him when he had cancer, not once, no one did but my son at the end.  Two months ten days...one of them lived 1/2 block away, it would have meant the world to Arlie, but he never bothered.  My heart broke for him.  I hate to hear of someone else who also had to go through this with their dog.  I hate cancer, it's such a robber.  I wish you could have seen her one more time but that's one more thing this COVID did, robbed you of that chance.  Going through this alone is much harder than those who have families/spouses to go through this with.  Totally different experiences.

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

some email that is bugging me like a pet grief counselor who just can’t seem to get I keep telling her I’ll call her when I am not caught up in all this medical crap.

I hate it when people don't listen or respect our wishes.  Pet peeve of mine!  Just go dark on her until you're ready to do otherwise.  Annoying!

11 hours ago, KarenK said:

If they had removed that word, it would have been a silent film.

That's why I quit watching Eddie Murphy years ago.  Too limited vocabulary, very offensive to me.

I can't nap or read with Kodie around, magazines have piled up for a couple of years, haven't read a one so let Reader's Digest and Guidepost run out.  I'd take them to the senior site but alas it hasn't been open since before Christmas.  I like both the magazines but never seem to have time...

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15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 A friends dog died yesterday and I never got to see or touch her since her cancer was diagnosed.  Now she is gone and it feels wrong.   

Gwen:  Sad your friend's dog passed away.  I feel your disappointment and loss since I know how much you love animals.  Like kayc said, "cancer is a robber".  

 

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I can’t decide on this virus.  I mean that as it’s the biggest catastrophe we will probably ever see and nothing will be the same after this.  Showing my age, this is the kind of change I’m not sure I’ll handle well.

Gwen: What I don't know about this virus is how we, who are over 60, are going to fit into this new normal after the world has opened up and all have become accustomed to wearing masks, social distancing, etc., etc.? Are we over 60'ers going to have to be behind closed doors until a vaccine is discovered?   Or, I guess the braver souls, like you, will just venture out and continue to live as normal as they can.  If I let myself think about what might be, it makes me dizzy.  I then have to jerk myself back to today and try not to think about "what ifs".

I had a retinal specialist appointment on Tuesday and my son insisted on taking a day off from work to drive me  --  I have to have a driver since after injections, I can't see clearly.  He did not want me to ask my usual driver to take me.  Oh, I hated to have him do that cause it meant he had to use up a vacation day.  I am thankful for his insistence, but I so hate to add to his busy life.  I find myself saying what my Mother used to say, "I don't want to be a burden" to anyone.  And, here I am, being a burden.

Dee

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Dee, If you were a burden, would your son have done this for you?  Just another way to reframe it sinc you didn’t ask him.  Then it would look like a burden put upon him.  Sounds like he loves and wants to spend the with his mother.  At 64 I’d love to do the same thing.  

I don't know or have a clue what the world will be like for anyone when/if this virus ends.  I think that is what gets to me is they keep finding more about it to fight.  Now it’s reallly not showing as much age distinction lines as it did, tho older people are the majority.  One report I read said that is a little skewed tho because so many are in close living quarters like retirement apartments, assisted living and nursing homes.   It’s not only the physical, I’m deeply concerned how this is affecting people mentally.  From the extremely paranoid to those that are not taking it seriously.  Add in the homeless that have no access to quarantineing and running water.  So many ways the virus has to keep going.  They don’t even know yet if you are immune once you’ve had it.  It’s like something from a sci fi horror movie but we are really living it.

as I do venture out every day I’m finding it very depressing and only to ease the loneliness this house has accumulated because of this.  Can’t see my counselors, volunteer or meet up with the one friend I have.  The few people that have been here for business purposes don’t come close and fill no inner void.  So many physical things going on and either telemedicine appointments or going to new places I abhor doing,  reminders of how much is wrong. I miss just 1 - 3 month check ins.  No big problems, no extra layer of daily anxiety that everyone’s feeling.  

Even my routine which I have kept as suggested feels uncomfortable.  I’m too aware of it now from this.  I have constant little headaches I never had from stress.  Trying to stay in the present is hard seeing things changing to more isolation among people.  everyone becoming trained to rules against our social nature.  It’s no wonder people are cracking over the smallest things.  Perhaps a bit dramatic, but there are times I drop something and could cry.  I’m so tired of being clumsy and the pain to pick things up.  Tired of trying to think of things to do.  Knowing inside life is f*cked from our loss and not knowing what it will be outside from this catastrophe.  How does one find an anchor in this?   I know some do in their kids or other family, but we that don’t have that are so adrift.  And the ones that do,it isn’t the same as with their spouses.  But I read the experiences and look at pictures posted and sigh thinking some close connection has got to help.  It’s great you have kids and maybe grandkids to keep a flame in your heart going.  

If I sound bitter it is not at any of you.  Your lives have unfolded as they were meant to or worked at.  It is a bitterness at the hand I was dealt and there is nothing/one to blame.  THAT is the frustration.  I can’t point a finger at a person or event and if that had or hadn’t happened I’d be better beyond Steve dying.  AND I can’t fix that. Can’t rewind or go back and change something to alter the outcome.  I have always hated things being totally out of my control.  No wiggle or bargaining room if not totally up to me.  I don’t have the make up of accepting defeat gracefully either.  What disturbs me the most is in the past I would be angry about it, so it was a spark that kept me feeling alive inside.  Now I sink into despair with no fight anymore.  Which means  don’t fight for a future.  I’ve already given up no matter if I still do the day to day things.  I was beaten. I lost, plain and simple.  Other battles I lost I had my anchor who helped bring me back to fighting status.  To life status.  

 

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18 hours ago, KarenK said:

It's nice to watch a movie with "clean" dialogue.

I recommend something to my friends and they are mostly Baptists and ask if there is much bad language.  I am so jaded by now, I honestly cannot remember.  I've watched some with Brianna that I guess I cannot recommend to them.  But  then again, "Grace and Frankie" was the first series that made me laugh so much that I did not care that I was from the Vietnam era and I was supposed to hate Jane Fonda.  When she had private meetings with veterans they came ready to  keep hating her but came away feeling different.  I don't watch the series anymore, only because I got bored.  It made me laugh and it felt good to laugh again, no apology.  

I will admit I prefer authors that do not rely on sex and bad language to tell a story, but sometimes I don't pay attention to the movies.  I just finished the 8th or 9th of a 17 book series.  I had to quit it.  I was reading until past 4:00 a.m. and sleeping all day.  It got to where I lived one life in daytime and another at night.  They became part of my  family and I decided I was tired of that family.  Quit on a good note.  Being Amazon ordered for Kindle, I had read the synopsis on each book and it was time to drop away from that family.  I love mysteries.  If there was much sex in them and it didn't add to the story, Billy would have me return them.  

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2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Now I sink into despair with no fight anymore.  Which means  don’t fight for a future.  I’ve already given up no matter if I still do the day to day things.

Gwen:  I don't feel you have given up even though you may feel you have compared to what your life was like once before when your Steve was with you.  I am totally amazed how you seem to be able to forge ahead while dealing with your excruciating pain.  Just battling the continual changes in this New Normal way of living, you always come through.   Dee

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3 hours ago, Marg M said:

I will admit I prefer authors that do not rely on sex and bad language to tell a story, but sometimes I don't pay attention to the movies.  I just finished the 8th or 9th of a 17 book series.  I had to quit it.  I was reading until past 4:00 a.m. and sleeping all day.  It got to where I lived one life in daytime and another at night.  They became part of my  family and I decided I was tired of that family.  Quit on a good note.  Being Amazon ordered for Kindle, I had read the synopsis on each book and it was time to drop away from that family.  I love mysteries.  If there was much sex in them and it didn't add to the story, Billy would have me return them.  

I’m with you on the sex and language to tell a story.  It’s mostly the women authors I like that use more sex and I skim over it.  I want to get back to the mystery.  Does sound like you got hooked but it was messing up your daily life.  There’s a lot of that going around as people try and find ways to manage this quarantine.  

You would actually not read something if Billy didn’t want you to?  I’m not judging, just surprised.  All couple’s have things that annoy the other.  The only thing I forbid Steve from doing was driving after a few drinks as he always overdid it.  I don’t know how I would feel if he liked porn.  Guess I’d ask him to not, but then I think if he did, that’s not the guy I knew.  Now ya got my.brain scrambling about all this!  🤪

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Oh my gawd, Dee!  You not only used that horrid term new normal but made it bold!  *thud*. I so hate that label.  🤬

Seriously, tho, thanks Dee.  I don’t know any other option but to get up and tolerate the day.  Some days I don’t even do that.  This is how crazed my mind gets...I saw the doc today who assesses if you can have surgery.  She passed me.  Now, had she not that would mean I had something too wrong to take the risk.  So another problem.  Yet, it would give me good reason not to have back surgery.  Solves that dilemma.  I’m just a rat in a maze with no exit.  

My counselor says I always make it too, but it is getting harder to pull off.  

You sound much more grounded than me.  Just cause I go out daily doesn’t prove anything.  I just can’t hack it staying in.  So I’m in awe of people that are doing it and surviving.  

Tomorrow I have an actual 'need'for Melody.  She usually carries a small pillow around when she’s all excited.  She so destined hers it is just flat cloth now so she steals me slippers I need.  I planned on getting a sub and ribs on special Friday so I can add that.  I told her and told her that this was going to happen as I got tired of putting it back in.  Thought the cloth would be enough.  NOOooooo.....now she’s picky.  A basket of toys and none will do.  The brazen wench even stole a cracker off the coffee table and she knows that is forbidden.  Never had to even think about leaving food out.  She tried looking humble, but it didn’t work.  

Hows Maddie handling lockdown?  Anyone else with pets going bananas?  

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16 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

You would actually not read something if Billy didn’t want you to?

I left home to marry Billy.  He knew it.  Frying pan into the fire.  Very jealous.  Left my friends behind, became friends with his.  No big deal.  He was mentally abusive and if I was living in the times I am now (just now married), I probably would not have stayed.  I was not a martyr, so I got my revenge bad.  We separated six weeks and I was having a good time and was not sure I wanted to continue.  I had a lot invested.  The kids were grown.  Glad I stayed.  He started reading with me when we started living in the RV preparing to retire.  He never turned back.  Me either.  So glad I didn't.  We finally could talk (missed a lot of years of talking), but he never tried to make me not read a certain kind of book.  He just wanted the attention.  No, he never was into porn (I might have been).  Gonna put a picture that my girls at work took.  My last trip to M.D. Anderson, they threw me a party that night and my request was to watch a John Holmes movie.  I had not eaten all day and had drove from Houston.  This must be my 2nd Margarita.  Billy always drove me to my office parties because he knew he was gonna have to come get me.  Never could hold my liquor.  Passed out on 3rd.  He always thought it funny.  (Never got to see my porn movie).  Glad I stayed, he was my best friend.  

happy.jpg

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