My Sanity Needed Vents

[KarenK]

Gwen, there are "nuts" in every walk of life and you are not one of them. The woman was completely out of line, especially since she had already checked out and was in no way being inconvenienced. This reminds me of an incident that happened to a co-worker. She was late one morning and arrived with a swollen, bloody face. She was at a stoplight and her horn started blaring. She was bent over the steering trying to figure it out and a man came up to her window and punched her in the face. He was from the car behind her, not in front. She was so stunned, she just drove on to work. You have every right to stand up for yourself, be it $1 or a million. People need to stay out of other people's business.

[Kieron]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 This has been too life altering and created more ways for people to be disconnected and rely on technology.  Tech is great, but something that I feel we need to temper with our primal selves.

Exactly.  Well put.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

No one can tell me now this pandemic isn’t getting to people

It is.  I spent 3 1/2 hours on the phone with CVS Caremark over some wrong test strips they sent me.  So not worth my time.  An hour in line trying to return $10.70 in bottles, so not worth my time.  I think we need to do what we can to protect our time in this insane time.  Next time I'll either donate the bottles to someone or just drop them off and leave (& hope I don't get arrested for it).  In the end I gambled and opened the damned test strips and tried one...it worked.  All that time and headache for nothing.  I hate CVS Caremark, they are too big, uncaring, screwed up and THEY are angry people!  They hang up on you after you've held for an hour.  Oh well, we all have such people/organizations in our lives and they aren't handling things very well during this time, we're all stressed to the brink.  I thank God for my walks with dogs, it gives me a chance to de-stress and revive, but you don't get that, that's why I am so sorry for everything you go through, you aren't even afforded the ability to change your own damned sheets!  Normally I don't use such words but there you have it...this pandemic, rioting, lack of socialization, and grief, they're getting to us.

[kayc]

8 hours ago, KarenK said:

a man came up to her window and punched her in the face.

Wow, I wish she'd called 911, gotten his license plate, had him arrested.  He could get over five years for that!  Some people are like a lit fuse and he was one of them.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

I thank God for my walks with dogs, it gives me a chance to de-stress and revive, but you don't get that, that's why I am so sorry for everything you go through, you aren't even afforded the ability to change your own damned sheets!  Normally I don't use such words but there you have it...this pandemic, rioting, lack of socialization, and grief, they're getting to us.

The combo is truly having a profound effect, that’s becoming evident daily.  I know that is why I’m thinking dark, unhealthy thoughts.   I can't do basic chores that least feel I am keeping up with things.  The house is in order, but I’d like to be able to do things when needed and not have to wait on housekeepers that inevitably leave things moved I have to put back correctly.   It’s really all more than that.  It is the loss of ability to take care of my own, the loss of being able to move about freely.  I expect age related pain, but not this severity.  I also hate my covid house and appearance.  The 'I don’t care' attitude I fall into. Yet inside I do. That’s the conflict all day.  

What a mess about your test strips.  I’m glad it worked out but cost you so much frustration and time.  That seems to be the way of life now.  When I get a cheerful person on the phone I am amazed.  They are usually people at work and not locked up so they are with peers. I’m getting to know if someone is working from home. And then there are those cheery people that just are.  They I envy.  Steve was one.  He was never the kind to be brought down easily.  He would be my prescription to handle this better as he wouldn’t let me get so inward focused.  Wouldn’t anyway because he was here.  He found humor and light in just about everything.  He was my personal Jimmy Fallon if you’re watching his show from his house.  I so miss his ability to magnify the light of life.

[kayc]

Now CVS has filled a Rx and mailed it to me, charging my M/C for it, and it won't be covered by the ins. because they just filled it!  I swear I don't know what to do with these people.  They have become a monster corp.  I have to wait until it delivers, call & request a call tag (shipping label), request a refund, this means holding for an hour or so and transferred around, argued with, explaining all over again, ugh!

George was so easy to live with...at home...but out & about he had anxiety.  I'd have to calm him.  We balanced each other though and were such a good team.  I swear I miss him even more now, after all these years, than ever. 

 

[Gin]

Kay,  I miss Al more and more, also.  This pandemic and rioting makes it even worse.  We were so good with and for each other.  Gin

[Margm]

I'm sorry Gin.  I think we have about the same time our mates left us.  I cried out to Billy for so long.   He could not answer me and sometimes I would get angry at him.  That is like getting angry that July follows June, totally senseless.  I watch TV and keep paper towels close.  I cry  at happiness, sadness, songs, doors opening, closing, I can cry  at anything, and do.  I don't try to hide it.  It disappears as soon as it starts and comes again just as fast.  

I have even got angry with him that three long ago girlfriends of his have died and I've gotten jealous.  My mom had Alzheimer's.  My sister chain smokes because it is her form of self suicide trying to keep from having Alzheimer's.  Her cough is rough.  The electricity went off for about 30 minutes and she was fixing to have to get in her car and drive to be able to breathe.  My little sister is nine years younger than me and it tears me up when people ask who is the oldest.  I love her and don't want to  lose her but she went through the trauma of taking care of our mother, and our mother was someone neither of us liked, but we both have had closure with that.  My sister would not marry.  She came close twice but finally she cut herself off from love completely.  She has had alcohol as her companion, but is two years sober.  Our little town voted alcohol in and now the grocery stores have it.  Heck, I even look at the wines and brandy and it will kill me.  I know the temptation is there.  She has gotten sober twice, but taking care of my mom, I did not know she had gone back to drinking.  (In her defense, taking care of my mom would have made me an instant alcoholic), and I'm not as good as she is, I would have put her in a nursing home.  

So Gin, we just wait out our time and life seems to be shooting arrows at us with this virus quarantine and the nation in a political uproar.  We are all in the same boat Gin, lets just keep paddling.  

[Gin]

Marg,

Guess we have no choice.  My brother has Alzheimer’s now and I try to talk to him a few times a day. So hard to watch someone just keep slipping away.  

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Now CVS has filled a Rx and mailed it to me, charging my M/C for it, and it won't be covered by the ins. because they just filled it!  I swear I don't know what to do with these people.  They have become a monster corp.  I have to wait until it delivers, call & request a call tag (shipping label), request a refund, this means holding for an hour or so and transferred around, argued with, explaining all over again, ugh!

George was so easy to live with...at home...but out & about he had anxiety.  I'd have to calm him.  We balanced each other though and were such a good team.  I swear I miss him even more now, after all these years, than ever. 

I wouldn’t think they can do that, Kay, without your permission.  Plus taking meds back is prohibited in Washington.  Do you have an online account to change you preferences?  Or you should be able to tell them to only notify you and then you can decide.  I’m only going by how I deal with Walgreens here.  Your version of CVS.  They will ship them IF I request it, not otherwise.  I can’t get some meds off my auto fill list so I just leave them there till they say they will put them back on the shelf if I don’t claim them.  I definitely know the hair pulling of phone calls about this stuff.  There was a time I had the patience as Steve never did about this kind of stuff.  Dealing with this was my job, his was tech stuff so now I get that to rip out more hair over.  Hope you get it straightened out.  

[Gwenivere]

Decided to get the oil changed in Steve’s van as I had a coupon and needed something to do. When I was trying to put the van back in I hit the house and cracked the back bumper.  It’s very minor for how bad it sounded. Then I had to move all my med stuff back to my car.  I’m so tired of having something go wrong because I am not all there mentally.  I’ve backed into that cramped spot so many times.  I just wanted to cry.  Things happen all the time but it seems a day can’t go by ithout something that makes me feel more alone and almost jinxed.  I had bought a bottle of wine I really didn’t need and went back and forth both mentally and physically about returning it.  Actually drove back to the store. Kept it as I may wake up someday and not be able or want to leave. I’m seeing more and more needing attention around the house.  I can see how some people wind up living in poorly kept houses.  Not because they are lazy, they just can’t do it or stop caring.  So you adapt to it.  I don’t want to Do that.  I want to clean our home because it’s all 'us'. Everything’s neat from lack of use.  Just dusty and furry because I can’t keep up with it easily.  I’m that way about myself too.  Used to keep my hair down all day.  Now pin it up again every morning and call it good.  I hardly recognize myself with it down.  I only see it briefly.  The only thing that feels really good is sitting in the shower.  The water, no back pain, refreshing, just want to be in there for hours. Escape. But the getting out and dressed is hard.  Just want to get to my chair and sit.  

Am I the only one living  with lower standards because it just gets to be too much?  I sure miss dragging out whatever and sprucing up what needs or comes to mind.  

 

[KarenK]

It's not so much that I've lowered my standards, but that I just can't do it anymore and the guys are definitely not housekeepers. Although this house is very old, I always kept it neat and clean, the yard mowed and trimmed, the vehicles washed. Ron was very handy with all repairs after having helped his dad build their house growing up. Very little of that rubbed off on our son, so if it needs repaired, it stays broken. I'd love to have new flooring, window coverings, walls painted. It's not going to happen. Can't afford it, so just live with it the way it is.

As for personal, I still want to look nice when I leave the house, but losing all these teeth is a real blow to my self esteem. The dentures are uncomfortable and affect my speech so I just stay home. I haven't even bothered to go for a haircut yet. There is no one to see it anyway except my dentist and I doubt he cares.

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

I'm not as good as she is, I would have put her in a nursing home.

And that would have been okay too.  I know some think we should take our parents in no matter what but they haven't walked our shoes and not all mothers are the same.  Mine was highly abusive, controlling, mentally ill, plus had dementia severely as well as her extreme paranoia.  She was so demented she would have killed my dog or set my house on fire, that's how bad her thinking was.  We all briefly thought about trying to take her in but knew it would be the end of us.  The courts ruled, upon medical evaluation of her brain, that she needed 24/7 lock down and required way more assistance than any of us could humanly give her.  She had to be watched day and night.  I actually had someone judge me for having her put into a dementia care center, but it was the kindest thing we could have done for her and she got good care there.  I stayed on top of it, talked to them about her care throughout, visited her regularly even when I had to drive two hours home in the snow at night.  I was still working full time.  The person that judged me harshly for it, they had never been through dementia or mental illness so had not a clue what we were up against.  It was a collective unanimous decision reached by all of us kids...of course the courts took that out of our hands anyway as they ordered it.  We had to take her to court to order the medical evaluation as she was stepping out into heavy traffic, mishandling her finances, refusing to take her Rxs or go to the doctor, going to the store in just a blouse and underwear, calling the fire dept when she ran out of heating oil...after we'd just put $450 into it three weeks earlier, our expense.  This happened time and again!  I'd get a call from them just as I was leaving for work at 6:45 am.  No one should judge someone else's situation, nor even their own!

19 hours ago, Gin said:

My brother has Alzheimer’s now and I try to talk to him a few times a day.

Bless your heart.  My mom reached the point where she couldn't use the phone, that was hard.  The last couple of years of her life, she didn't understand it.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Plus taking meds back is prohibited in Washington.

The outer package has not been opened.  I could write refused on it and send it back but then I'd stand a chance of not getting credit for it.  

 

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I wouldn’t think they can do that, Kay, without your permission.

They technically are not supposed to, no one has been able to tell me how it happened.  They argued, blamed it on me, transferred me, hung up on me.  Took over two hours of talking to seven different people to get one that gave a rip, and she was incredibly slow.  They're working from home now and I think some of them resent being bothered.  I actually had someone chew me out for "calling the wrong number" when I checked my phone log I had called the number he said I should call!  They are the rudest bunch of mistake making people I've ever seen!

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Or you should be able to tell them to only notify you and then you can decide.

I do not have it on auto refill because I do NOT trust them.  I don't know how they did it but they're supposed to get my permission to ship and they did not.  Someone marked in their file I gave them the go ahead but I did not, I had no idea they were sending this until I got an email from them saying it shipped and it hit my credit card.  They have too many incompetents working for them.

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I had bought a bottle of wine I really didn’t need and went back and forth both mentally and physically about returning it.

No one here is able to return anything, not at Costco, Winco, WalMart, anywhere I've shopped.  Ross did say they would because no one can try anything on in the store but I'm stuck with a couple of things too big because I need them even if they are.

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Am I the only one living  with lower standards because it just gets to be too much?

I too can't keep up with it all, I have to hire someone to do the yard now, my right hand is numb most of the time and I know of no relief.  I need to go to the doctor over it but I know it'll be an ordeal and a series of doctors, etc, a friend of mine has been going the whole gamut for 1 1/2 years now and they STILL have not done anything!  I'm procrastinating the inevitable.  I don't know why they make you jump through so many hoops when in such obvious pain!  My daughter has me "on call" if she ever gets a free day to come up and help me go through my craft room, honestly it could take many such days.  I don't want just anyone coming in here and seeing/dealing with it.  My house needs a major cleaning out and I'm overwhelmed at the thought of it.  To tackle it alone seems daunting.  It was hard enough just doing my closets!  That took me days!  But I did it and it feels so good.  The craft stuff I need help with moving some of the stuff, I can't do it alone.  Too much.  I wish I'd never bought half of it!  I know why I did it...when I was married for 23 years to the kids' dad, he was very controlling and didn't allow me any space in the house.  I had to sleep on the loveseat which was very uncomfortable while he took my bed/bedroom.  I had one craft drawers that was about 18" x 12" and he complained loudly and repeatedly about that!  When he left I took over, I sprawled out, used the whole family room for my craft room.  I was working & commuting at the time and not really seeing the whole picture of what I was doing, just spending $10 here, $10 there, and it accumulated into the mess I have now, all covered with dust, dog fur, etc.  I try to dust it but cannot get to all of it, I need to get rid of the stuff I don't use and go through it all, organize it, clean it thoroughly, I'd feel better.  For instance, I have a mat cutter that I can't operate because of my carpal tunnel, so haven't used it since George died (he operated it for me) and all of the mat boards that go with it, but I can't get to it because it's been hemmed in by stuff since.  Hopefully Melissa can make it up sometimes this summer.  She took a caregiving job for someone with dementia because she lost some cleaning jobs during the pandemic, so it takes up most of her time and she does the cleaning houses after she gets off from there, so she really doesn't have free time right now.

Good news, my son fixed her car and as soon as he gets the part can schedule her to come up and let him fix the defroster, which is stuck on.

6 hours ago, KarenK said:

I'd love to have new flooring, window coverings, walls painted. It's not going to happen. Can't afford it, so just live with it the way it is.

Me too.  I need new carpet throughout but need someone to help with getting the heavy stuff out, can't do it by myself so keep adding throw rugs.  The place needs painted but not hardly worth the extreme expense as it's a 42+ year old mobile home and who is going to want it after me?  They will tear it down and put in a new one and I'll get nothing for this one but the cost of the tear down will offset what I could have gotten on the property.  Makes it a judgment call as to what to invest in and what not to as I know I have to keep the roof up and wood stove, electrical, etc. but the paint?  There is stain underneath so at least it has some protection from the weather.  But I'm embarrassed to have anyone over.  Still it's home and a ton of memories raising my kids here, George and I's short life here, the pets who've shared this home with me, the beautiful property and nature...I know the home itself isn't worth anything monetarily even though they still tax me way too much on it.  I'd like to see the county sell it for what they tax me on it!  Ha!

Karen, have they been able to take care of your dental woes?  Ahh, get your hair cut just for YOU!  You are worth it!

[Margm]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Am I the only one living  with lower standards because it just gets to be too much?

Gwen, when it comes to housekeeping, my standards are no lower than they have ever been.  In fact, they are so  low that I just have to keep them from making me stumble and fall.  Mama called me "Moonbeam McSwine" and you younger ones will have to look her up.  She is a character in Al Capp's "Lil' Abner" comic strip.  She  lives with the pigs.  I'm the only pig in my family.  Every time we got the house clean (expecting company), poor Billy would say "Now we are gonna keep it clean."  Ha.  I do bother Brianna and my boxes have given her OCD fits.  She would love to go through them, but every time I open one I meet Billy "that was" and I hurt as if it was the first day, so I don't let her.  I'm stubborn. 

[KarenK]

Thanks for asking, Kay. I had to get a second script of antibiotics for the infection as the first didn't quite clear it up. It is almost gone now. I have an appt. on Tues. for the crumbling tooth. Afraid if he tries to smooth it off, it will crumble more. Not sure what he can do, maybe put an aluminum cap over it. What an exciting life I lead!

Gin, we're your brother's children ever able to find someone to care for him or will he allow it? I know how worried you are.

[Gin]

Karen,  brother scheduled to go to Florida to live near a daughter.  I still do not think he should be living alone.  He calls me a lot and I usually try to calm him down about something.  So sad to see the mind deteriorate.  He was head of engineering for a big company.  Now he told me that he can not add a column of numbers.  Gin

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

Mama called me "Moonbeam McSwine"

I remember you mentioning her before, that is so funny!  Growing up it was my sister Polly that threw everything on the floor of her closet, left clothes laying around, mixed in with her paintings, everything.  I lived with her for two weeks when she was in college (my MIL threw us out so we were sleeping in the car), to pay her back, I decided to clean her place.  I put food in the kitchen, washed the dishes, laundered her clothes, hung them up, put her shoes in the bottom of the closet, the place was spotless.  She came home and boy was she mad!  Said she couldn't find anything.  I said everything is where it should be!  She didn't see it that way.  We moved out after that.  Funny, she ended up married to Felix Unger, he is truly Mr. Neatnick!  So hilarious!  I've seen this guy wash off the light switches after we touched them.  He washes out our coffee cups while we're waiting for the coffee to cool!  

Oh Gin, I am so sorry.  Hopefully the daughter will keep an eye out for him.

Karen, I'm glad he'll still do something for you, I too have teeth that crumble, I think our family got handed chalk instead of enamel.  All but two crowned and literally half of them missing.  I make do, have a bridge in the front, you can't tell it.  I've had tooth restorations, 13 root canals plus three repeats.  Had teeth dug out by endodontists.  They are someone to avoid, super expensive and with no insurance...

[Gwenivere]

I just made an appointment to finally have my carpets cleaned Thursday.  I hope I can handle it.  I told them this time I cannot mov things like lamps out of harms way as I can’t get to plugs under the couch.  Also that all furniture has to go back exactly where it was.  Don’t have the strength to move it.  If I can get thruthis I’ll feel a bit better about the house.  

Calld the vet bout bloodwork for Ally and they do housecalls......for $160 over the $54 in clinicss fee.  Got a message from the back surgeon saying I could get the surgery scheduled soon and skip the cortisone injections the pain clinic wants to do.  Said try the gabapentin which I said I didn’t want to take.  Have that hours long vein scan Monday if I decide to go thru with it.  All I know is I wake up in more anxiety and stress by the day.  I don’t know how much more I can take.  Just like the pain.  I think about that surgery and rehab and flip out.  How I would be so homebound for months.....literally.  Today I have nothing to go out for but will go for my sanity.  It feels like surgery may help my body but push me ove the edge mentally.  In fact, I know it would.  I cannot see being away from my kids when I know Ally needs care.  No one to help and this  nightmare never ends.  I can’t keep up the pretense this will ever get manageable.  

Why cant I cry and see if that helps?  Has anyone ever been that shutdown?  Too depressed to cry?

[Margm]

6 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Why cant I cry and see if that helps?  Has anyone ever been that shutdown?

I took Prozac for 15 years and it cut down emotional involvement.  No crying, no excess happiness.  I had straight-lined my life and was still alive.  Legal prescription.  Legal prescription for the biphetamines.  Know legally, my brain waves are probably straight line too.  

[Gwenivere]

My antidepressant isn’t flatlining me.  I’d almost find that preferable.  I sit on the ground side of the seesaw.  Nothing to give the other side a  boost.  Doc says I can take more but that creates anxiety attacks.  It seems everything comes with a steep price.  I keep going back to the past when there was simplicity and laughter.  Glad that those times existed tho now they trigger so much pain.   Ugh, there has to be an exit from this maze to get back to grieving that didn’t consume me.  I know all this physical stuff would still be happening.   But I wouldn’t be alone.  

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Why cant I cry and see if that helps?  Has anyone ever been that shutdown?  Too depressed to cry?

Oh yes!  Tears can be a release, when that release doesn't even come...well, it's hard.

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I keep going back to the past when there was simplicity and laughter.

It's hard for me to go there, too painful.  It seems at least a lifetime ago.  I try to stay in the here and now even though I know it's nothing like all the couples I know enjoying their lives or at least having each other to go through it all with.  Kodie is my bright spot.  I took him to Greenwaters Park yesterday on the trails, the one to the river, he loved it!  I wish more than anything you could be there again, able to walk your Ally...this is so hard.  Would the back surgery give you back any quality of life once healed?

[Gwenivere]

That is the great unknown and gamble.  Why.i struggle withba decision.  I could only get minor relief for a lot if rehab and loss of more mobility as they basically fuse part of the vertebrae.  It’s also documented to only last a couple years as the spine will transfer weight bearing to othepr areas andyou start a road to more surgeries.  My SIL has it and many times in the OR.  Plus I have vein problems that might require surgery, so it’s all very complicated.  That is my 'now'.  Why I go to happier times even tho they tear me up.  I see loss of Ally in my future so it’s tough to figure out where to be.  My other dog is scared of so much.  She’s really smart and a good home companion but going out is not her thing.  Never had a dog so disinterested in adventure.  She’s a great dog but that part is disappointing.   She likes hermitude.  I don’t.  I already miss taking Ally with me places.  I can’t hoist her anymore and it’s hard on her as well.

[widow'15]

7 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I see loss of Ally in my future so it’s tough to figure out where to be.  My other dog is scared of so much.  She’s really smart and a good home companion but going out is not her thing.  Never had a dog so disinterested in adventure.  She’s a great dog but that part is disappointing.   She likes hermitude.  I don’t.  I already miss taking Ally with me places.  I can’t hoist her anymore and it’s hard on her as well.

Gwen:  Breaks my heart to read Ally's future with you.  I know your fear as you watch her change.  Just treasure each moment you still spend with her and your "hermit", Melody.  You and your girls are in my thoughts.  Hugs, Dee.

[kayc]

So many people told me to treasure each moment with Arlie, but I always did, his whole life.  I think having suffered the loss of George already, I feared the day I'd lose Arlie, from the moment I adopted him...I knew it'd come and I dreaded it.  We lived every moment we had together.  I wish I hadn't had to be gone such long hours in his earlier years, commuting to work, but he loved his pen, his dog house, it was his security.  I wish I'd had the fence built years earlier, but him and Sammy would run together in Sammy's yard a few times a week, they were best friends.  I miss Sammy, she is rarely outside now.  That was Arlie's dying wish, to go see her again, and he did, just two days before he died, as bad off as he was, he made his way down there, slowly, stopping to rest frequently along the way (about a city block).  So many memories with my Arlie.  None of them will ever be forgotten.

We love each of our animals for who they are but once in a while one comes along that is special...Ally seems to be that one to you, Gwen.  And Maddie...that is heartrending.

[mittam99]

Stopping by on a difficult day. My beloved Tammy would have been 51 today. And it's been 5 agonizing years and 3 months since the day that change my world forever.

I have no idea what happiness feels like anymore. Happiness was being with Tammy, plain and simple. Alone, everything feels a bit like drudgery. TV is now my main companion. I don't eat as well as I should or exercise. It's not that I don't care or that I've given up; there's just no joy in anything. Plus the aches and pains sort of limit what I can do. My brain thinks I'm 21, but my body feels much more ancient.

I work in an essential job and deal with the public up close and personal. It's borderline scary being 65 years old and dealing with the pandemic and all the frightening possibilities. Then I come home and it's me, myself and I (and the TV lol). Rinse, wash, repeat. The constant feeling of stress overwhelms.

I just wish I could press rewind and go back to the days of joy and love. The days when Tammy was by my side. The days when I had purpose and life didn't feel so sad and meaningless.

Mitch