My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

I really don’t get class reunions.  I didn’t much care for most people in my high school and really never have  give a rip about them after I left.  It just seems a way for people to show off as ones without continued connection don’t need that venue.  My 10th I did want to go to only to show off to the new chubby cheerleaders my blossoming, thus proving my point.  But I didn’t.  And at 20 to now over 40 years later?  I really don’t give a darn.  Barely remember a few peoples names.  I don’t know why you call yourself selfish.  We all have the right to choose what we want to remember.  I don’t think any of us are selfish for that.  It’s our lives.  I don’t want to focus on some decades old argument or hurtful situation.  I remember the good ones instead.  They just sting a bit now because they were good and so little of that kind of stuff happens now.  Miss that.

Why are you switching docs if you’re OK with yours?  Is this the doc that prescribes your Xanax?  I ask because I’ve not found any that will when I lost mine that did and had to find a psychiatrist.  Maybe they aren’t so restrictive where you are.  Trying to get decent pain killers here is a monumental task.  As I’ve said before, what’s the use of these meds if docs are basically threatened not to use them?  Steve got to have anything he wanted because he was going to die.  Pretty harsh criteria.

i can't find it now, but somewhere you asked me about combining Xanax and clonopin (thinking I might have mean clonodine).  My shrink prescribes both and I’ve been on the combo for decades.  Xanax is so short acting while clonopin lasts longer, but not as effective.  I was once switched to it exclusively and it’s not a go to med for panic. What I am careful about is taking my half Vicodin not near when I take the others for the chance of breathing issues.  

Plan for the day after counseling is grocery for a few essentials.  Our temps are going to get near 80 by Friday and that is always miserable here with the ocean humidity.  My goal is to be able to do this shopping without too much pain or standing still too long.  the stress of all this med crap is upping my pain and anxiety.  Worsening depression.  Now my doc wants to add in a dermatologist for my legs.  Oh joy, another specialist and probably more tests to hobble in for..  my social life a calendar of doc crap.  Since February nothing has gotten better, in fact worse and more complicated.  4 docs and tests and no answers.  .

i wish diving into a bag of chips still helped.  But digestion is messed up too.  Weds pity party aka Gwen.

 

 

[KarenK]

A thousand years ago(or so it seems), my ex was here to attend a reunion(probably 30th or 40th) and he asked me to go. I really wanted to just to see how much everyone had changed, but I declined. It would have hurt Ron and his wife, I'm sure. In all the years since we divorced, I know he's felt a certain love for me still. I will always love him, just not as a wife. In high school, his friends became my friends, more so than those my age. It would have been interesting.

[kayc]

Our 50 year reunion got canceled for another year because of the pandemic.  The couple of people I would love to catch up with I have not been able to locate through my own efforts, no idea what their last names are now, the hazards of being women.  There are some I've connected with on FB and gotten to know as they are today, would like to see them, but I was from a large graduating class (500) so it makes it hard to have real connection at a class reunion, haven't been to one since my 5th and that was extremely disappointing.  They want $100/plate for the dinner, a little too steep for me considering I wouldn't be able to eat most of what is served AND I don't drive at night when this is held.  So may pass. 

Marg, my computer is 11 years old, why fix what's not broke, right?! 

 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Marg, my computer is 11 years old, why fix what's not broke, right?! 

 

Kelli brought me her "new" PC because she only uses her laptop.  Her degree was in computer (something) and she transferred things in "folders" and I seldom look for anything anyhow, mainly I don't know how, but sometimes I will venture out and start hitting keys, looking at lists.  I was so frustrated putting in my passwords.  I made a smart new notebook with tabs where each folder was located, passwords, etc.  I was on my own.  Brianna saw how frustrated I was getting, signing into each old folder, my hands were shaking so bad, my mood was getting as dark as the night, so she came over and gave me new passwords (mine were too easy), and she cut them off short (for my shaking hands).  I'm getting used to it.  

[Gwenivere]

I’ve been being computer challenged lately.  I hit an innocent link in the news and it locked up my computer and had a phone number to call from Microsoft.  I knew it was a scam to sell me a fix.  Fortunately Steve and my BIL taught me to try a few things and one worked.  Just had a power hit and it screwed up my DVR so I reset it again myself.  Also messed up my alarm system so it was beeping constantly. I just don’t need this crap on top of bad days like today was.

the plumber showed up too early to refix a problem.  Normally I’m twiddling my thumbs waiting on them in the given window of time. Told him I needed an hour to dress and tend to the dogs.  Went to the pain clinic and left depressed as I don’t think they can do anything for me.  The doc there didn’t have options I feel I can handle. He confirmed what I read about the back surgery does lead to more surgeries down the line.  Something the surgeon omitted. In my errand running after, found out the drug store I use to buy wine, deals on aspercreme and has a licensing outlet is closing.  Hit the dollar store and my leg went numb so scary trying to walk to the car.  My car oxygen ran out so had to change the tank.   All my pill boxes needed filling and I kept screwing up as I was so frazzled. Got an email from my doc referring me to a dermatologist for my legs that is out of network and the one that is is in the hospital Steve spent so much time in for surgeries and complications.   Makes me sweat to even think about going there.

Marg, you talked about angels.  I’d like to know where they are.  I know this was probably all coincidence (except the doc), but I sure felt targeted.  I’m just trying to lay low and survive another day in this existence and I just want to scream..  I’m getting to where I don’t want to be around people, yet I crave contact.  It makes no sense.  Maybe that’s the problem.  Nothing makes much sense anymore.  I keep seeing ads on TV for marathon show binging and I can’t imagine sitting staring at the TV all day.  It’s enough at night.  The stuff I bought at the dollar store I didn’t even need.  Like I’m trying to fill a void.  I keep saying I’m not going to buy anything and I keep buying too much food.  I’m depleting my finances when I know I don’t need more.  I’m acting like Steve is here.  When life was normal I always needed to keep stocked.  It was one of my jobs I really enjoyed.  I could also walk back then.  So I’m limping around buying extraneous stuff for no reason.  It doesn’t fill the void, I've proven that so many times.  I get ridiculously giddy when I actually need something.  I’m like some twisted hoarder.  I get gas every week even if it’s only a few gallons because I always did.  I don’t know how to change the routines I lived with Steve.  It’s a good thing I’m not drawn to alcohol. I see why people pass days in fake feel good.  I need an angel.  

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, I'm so sorry you had such a horrendous day. Why a dermatologist for your swollen legs?

I think it's especially difficult to break from the routine you shared with Steve because you had such a special love for each other. Ron and I were always on the go eating out, going gambling, to the cabin, to New Mexico, to Colorado, etc. All of that stopped when he got sick. Then it was doctors, hospital stays, tests, chemo, radiation. You know the drill.......and it was only for 6 months, not 5 years like you. I carried a notebook everywhere we went transcribing every conversation. I took care of the appointments, the meds, the feeding tube, trips to the bathroom, etc. I slept very little and was his right arm. In public, he was appreciative. In private was a different story, but that's the nature of the disease. Then bam! All of a sudden there was no one to be responsible for but myself. That took a lot of getting used to. I wasn't used to sitting still or not doing 3 things at a time or going nowhere. The going nowhere is the worst. I've always wanted to see what's over the next hill. I would love to continue with some of the good things from the past, but I can't. I'm mostly living for myself I guess, but my situation is different from yours in that the guys are here, although we don't really do things together. I'm sure if you felt better, you would be able to live more for yourself. It's natural to want to hang onto the good times of your life, but you are running yourself ragged. Somehow you need to slow down.(That part is my motherly advice given with love)

I'm one of those you mentioned that binge watches a program. Just finished "Hell On Wheels". I do other things while watching though, like making jewelry, doing laundry, fixing dinner. I couldn't just sit and do nothing. Against my grain.

Last week there were 2300 Covid cases reported here in one day. The governor issued a decree that city officials throughout Az could require masks in public. Good thing I got two from the dentist. At least we can still do our shopping. The world is not a friendly place for the foreseeable future. Masks are not completely safe and a vaccine won't help if the virus keeps changing. I sometimes wonder how many of us will survive this.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

I was so frustrated putting in my passwords. 

I don't worry about that.  When my son redid my computer last time, Windows Update ruined Linox so it wouldn't come up...it defaults to that though so windows doesn't just come up automatically.  I figure any burglar would not figure out how to get into my computer, as there's a trick to it and you have to be quick about it.    They would think it just doesn't work.  No need for passwords!

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Also messed up my alarm system so it was beeping constantly. I just don’t need this crap on top of bad days like today was.

Sounds like you were getting hit with one challenge after another!  Glad you got through it.  I hate days like that!

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I need an angel.  

And I pray yours shows up.  You ask where they are, I don't know, we don't see them, but I do believe there are angels looking out for us when we have no idea...the times they kept a car from hitting us, etc. but I don't know much about it as what about the ones who weren't stopped, were their angels missing?  Makes my brain hurt think about it.

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I get gas every week even if it’s only a few gallons because I always did.  I don’t know how to change the routines I lived with Steve.  It’s a good thing I’m not drawn to alcohol. I see why people pass days in fake feel good.

I think our routines help us autopilot our lives.  Sometimes we want to bypass thinking.  Staying in our routine makes us feel secure, like things have continuity.

[Margm]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Marg, you talked about angels.

Gwen, I don't know about the "supernatural."  I have a book on my Kindle by Billy Graham called "Angels, God's Secret Agents."  I remember my mom quoting something from somewhere about "being careful that you are not entertaining Angels, unaware." Not sure that was how it went.  My mother believed in her Angels.  My unsupernatural believing husband did not believe in them.  Probably does now.  My mind is not closed to believing in them, but I have to believe that someone that ministered to the elderly in the nursing homes for as long as you did, you were a special "Angel" to many of those people.  But, possibly in hallucination and anxiety, fear, yes, I believe I have been "visited" by Angels.  When I was dying in 2014, the nun who came and took my hand, held it and prayed over me, I was semi-conscious, I never saw her again, but I felt a "presence" and at that time I did not think to call it an Angel, but it was peace.  The two young girls who sat on each side of the ambulance, I can describe exactly and still see them in my mind, I think they were Angels.  The ambulance pulled over once to try to get me to have a blood pressure, and I guess I was pretty far gone.  They saved me, they had help from somewhere.  My injuries to my septic organs should have killed me.  I guess it was just not time for me.  Also, at MD Anderson, I think I got to know an Angel.  She was taken from me.  My mom would argue down anyone if they doubted her Angels.  I would not dare do that.  She saw one when my dad "left" and taking the pain away from him had to be a miracle to her.  

 

[widow'15]

8 hours ago, KarenK said:

Gwen, I'm so sorry you had such a horrendous day. Why a dermatologist for your swollen legs?

Gwen:  Sorry, I have had the same question in my head that Karen is asking?   Dee

[MartyT]

 

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

I remember my mom quoting something from somewhere about "being careful that you are not entertaining Angels, unaware."

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.   ~ Hebrews 13:2

[Gwenivere]

Excellent question.  Wish I knew why myself.  Apparently all these specialists and regular docs can't figure out why my calves and feet are so messed up.  The scans show no vein problem.  I’ve been feeling ill lately, not covid ill. This is very bad with the back pain thrown in.  Not sleeping well either.  Getting tremors and clumsy.  I’m afraid so that ramps everything up too.  I knew when I mentioned to my doc that another floated that idea he’d jump on it.  Pre pandemic this would be the ER as I am fed up waiting and getting worse by the day.  What is frustrating is maybe a dermatologist would know but I’m so burnt out.  I’m afraid to walk today after my leg going numb yesterday.  I want to go get a Chinese take out for tonight but worried about my leg.  Supposed to be a shower night too.  I’m just sitting here paralyzed mentally about what to do.

[kayc]

Had a day from hell yesterday...Joe bit me...horribly.  He clomped the left side of my hand into the right side, HARD!  Left six puncture wounds, at least two are deep.  Iced for two hours and then his mom took me in to the doctor (out of town as usual) and he performed tests with my fingers/hand.  Nerves, tendons, bones all okay.  Very swollen and bruised, looks worse today but can close hand a little better than yesterday although the fingers still feel tight.  LUCKY!  On antibiotics which I hate as it messes my gut up.  A friend suggested I chase the Augmentin with Probiotics two hours later so it doesn't kill the Probiotics.  Was able to walk Kodie with the hand that's numb.  Now it's my "good hand."  Funny how perspective can change.  Owners have some thinking to do as they have two young children and a baby coming in two months.  I know Joe loves me and would not intend to hurt me, he was trying to stop me from petting him, perhaps he has pain we're unaware of?  Chows tend to go straight to the bite rather than a warning growl, unfortunately, which is why they shouldn't be around young children who often grab ears, their food, etc.  Never have any of my dogs bitten, I find this so odd.

Managed to make pies for "pies for the guys" (our church gives them out to the guys for Father's Day) this morning...it was important to me to be able to do that as when George was dying in the hospital on Father's Day, he was worrying about missing out on getting his pie!  He didn't need it...I put in a request to my MIL to make him one in heaven.

Gwen, I don't blame you, that must be a scary feeling!@  I hope your leg is doing better today.  The struggles life can throw at us!

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Kay, to learn that Joe has bitten you. I know it feels like a betrayal of trust.

Are you up to date on your tetanus shot? And has anyone reported this incident to Animal Control? Are you sure that Joe is up to date on his rabies vaccination? (After a neighbor's dog bit me, my physician father advised me to report the incident. Since this was my next-door neighbor, that hadn't even occurred to me, and I was reluctant to do so, but after my dad explained to me that it was the responsible thing to do, I realized he was right.) As you say, under the circumstances, these owners have some thinking to do. You might find this article helpful ~ and you might consider sharing it with Joe's owners too: Pet Loss: Euthanizing An Aggressive Dog 

[Kieron]

Wow, what a collection of slings and arrows for folks lately!  😟

[KarenK]

Kay, I'm so sorry. This is the second time he has bitten you, isn't it? He must have felt threatened somehow or maybe something is happening in his brain. There are many instances where a dog will turn on you for apparently no reason. I would be rethinking the walking arrangement.

[Margm]

I think you said he was part Chow, or is a Chow.  He is going to have to be penned up for awhile.  I'm sorry for you.  I hope you heal fast.  The dog, like our "Bear" was wonderful, but he could have killed a person as fast as that raccoon. (long ago story).  Hard to keep penned up.  

 

[Gwenivere]

I didn’t realize Joe was a chow.  They are notoriously aggressive dogs and a neighbors attacked my dog and me once.  They kept it chained in the front yard which accentuates aggressive behavior.  Took forever to get reimbursed for vet bills and I did call the city. I would have preferred to work it out with my neighbor but he strolled down to get his dog while I was screaming on the street trying to restrain his chow from killing my dog.  Hands torn up from holding the broken chain.  Guy never said a word.  I was shouting at him and his daughter came over to make the monetary arrangements.  I did some reading up on them and they are bred as protectors, but not as a  pack member.  I would never want a child around one. 

I very much hope you heal fast.  We so need our hands.  What did your neighbor say about this incident?   I, like you, would be very concerned about her children.  These are not social dogs and always challenging others.  Very independent and even early socialization makes them hard to predict.  

Hope George gets his pie!  

 

[Margm]

Like I said once before, I have never loved a dog like I did that Chow "Bear."  But, the police definitely respected the fact not to get out of the car and my brother-in-law respected not to come up our steps with Bear guarding them.  He died saving my Mama.  He absolutely did, but I would never have another and did not get this one.  But we definitely were his people, he was never our dog.  To quarantine him after the drunk girl stuck her leg between the fight between him and her dog (in our yard), she had brought the dog over to tell us our dog did not like her dog.  No kidding.  Didn't like her either..  We put him in the house to keep him put up.  He broke through screen and window.  Another woman that raised chows kept him.  He would not let her get out her back door.  Billy went to get him and he was so happy the big fellow sat in Billy's lap all the way home.  He left us rather soon after the fight with the raccoon.  Within a day.  I loved that dog but they do not need to live in Louisiana, only Alaska or the Yukon.  Greenland, Iceland, Siberia, North Pole.  

[kayc]

5 hours ago, MartyT said:

Are you up to date on your tetanus shot?

Yes I got one when Jackson bit me last October.  Oregon has mandatory reporting when you go to the doctor so they take care of all that.  They get their dogs shots.

I was very shocked when Joe bit me, totally caught me off guard!  I've walked him every day for ten months!  I feel I was very lucky indeed.  Might not be the next time so am giving this careful thought, it's very hard because I have a relationship with him.  But just like when I tried to adopt Jackson, I knew I couldn't have a dog that I couldn't trust around me.

 

[Gwenivere]

Woke up another day and wish I hadn’t.  This is becoming a very bad cycle.  I wake up and just want to cry as I know what the day mean, any day.  I’ve detailed it enough  times.  Got tasks to do, but time killers and escape from this house.  Worsening pain.  Was at Urgent Care yesterday and blood tests showed no infection.  Was out of range on all but 2 things but doc just said don’t take antibiotics he called in just in case.  I’m no better off.  Docs and counselors keep asking if I’m suicidal and I say no, I just don’t want to keep waking up.  I like that ither world wether blank or dreams.  Maybe that is what death is like.  Freedom.  I’m not stuck in this run down body.  I feel good emotions at times.  I sometimes see Steve and our lost furry kids.  Who wouldn’t want to stay there?  Awake is chaos, covid, pain, problems, docs, money issues, feeling awful, protests, riots and foremost- alone.  Fixes for them all are horrid.  Some can’t be fixed because the body is just plain old or so intense.  Time for a Zoom call with my contact.  Put on the world face for a bit.  Takes a lot of energy.  

[kayc]

I'm having a rough day too, Gwen, on many counts...deathiversary of George, having to quit seeing Joe (chow), I'm in a lot of pain in both hands now.

I read someone's FB post and he said he was sick of COVID-19, the riots, hatrid, dem vs rep, black vs white, bad news, etc, yep, pretty much covers it.  What happened to the world we used to live in?

I hope all goes well with your zoom chat.  I don't get calls much, wondering where my life went!

[Gin]

Kay, it flew away with mine! Gin

[Gwenivere]

I knew today was going to be hard for you, Kay.  George’s leaving hit you on 2 dates and that’s so very unfair.  Now the loss of Joe and the mental and physical pain.  

What happened to that world?  We got kicked out by the formidable foe.  One with no mercy.  I have no clue why all these horrible things are happening at once.  After another day of masks and floor distance markers, we can’t even come home to a hug and kiss.  Nope.  We get to sit here and watch it from afar too, alone.

my brain is getting so twisted with this virus, it sometimes seems odd to me people in shows aren’t wearing them.  Heck, I don’t even know what the people I am around out there look like anymore, no one does.  It’s way too strange.

[kayc]

You're right.  I feel like I'm living among aliens right now.

[Margm]

It is like we are all wandering aimlessly (in our houses or apartments) with no end in sight.  My hours are such that I miss my days.  We are binge watching an old series "Bones" and it is like an addiction.  We just finished season 6 of 12.  I have stayed awake until nearly daylight and slept during the day.  I feel totally discombobulated.  I won't mention aches, pains, because that is what I have lived with for six years and grief has made it a secondary "infection" but comes into the forefront imprisoned.  I also know I can get no relief from the doctors, only more pain.  I cannot be fixed even though my sister says they could have discovered something new.  As old as I am, they are really not that interested anyhow and as long as I can walk and breathe on my own, I guess I am okay.  The pain you tolerate. There are many who feel safe enough to go into crowds.  The church I watch each Sunday showed the congregation coming together.  My little town had about 16 new cases in three days.  It has become something we are supposed to get used to. Not having our professional sports seems to bother me the most.  It makes it seem like this really is something so serious, we have to become accustomed to.  I guess it is.

I just do not read of them working night and day on a cure.  We seem to be more interested in tearing apart the country for things that are being done , which should not.  But, does it take the place of finding a cure?  Obviously they cannot.  Jonas Salk found a vaccine for polio.  We have had scientists that have found vaccines for all the other strains of viruses (except the common cold). 

And those of us who have immediate medical problems, the word "immediate" seems to have become second.  I'm not sure this quarantine is good for aging brains either.