My Sanity Needed Vents

[Kieron]

And that quip in another thread, Marg, where you ended with "Word salad.  Hold the dressing."  I cracked up when I read that!  That's priceless!  Especially after a rather crappy day.  🤣

[Margm]

I guess every day has some depression in it.  It has to.  I spend most of my time worrying about my family though.  I know if I was gone they would have to make it on their own.  My son has a good job, my daughter worked years as a nurse and does get SS disability.  I'm worried about my sister.  She has so much breathing problems and know she is trying to make a quick exit before Alzheimer's takes her.  She took care of our mom and this is her biggest fear so she chain smokes but still manages to stay at whatever level it is that she does not require oxygen.  She really wants/needs the oxygen. We are quarantined at a time when my granddaughter needs to be in a college and she could, "on line" but she also needs counseling for her anxiety to just live.  Her bio-mom did her no favors taking the drugs while pregnant.  A very beautiful young woman that hates her feet on up to the top of her head and tries to hide behind oversize sweatshirts, trying to stay in the shadows.  I cannot explain to you how beautiful she is, but being an Amerasian, she fears racists also.  If she were the type to enter a beauty contest, she would be in the top five for sure.  Natural beauty.  She really aged out of the children's counseling and all the others just want to prescribe pills, some good, some bad, some really not known, and she is against taking anything but her thyroid medicine.  She won't learn to drive.  When we are able to get out from under this, she will need therapy, but talking therapy, not pills.  

I hope I can hang on long enough to help them.  My son always answers "Oh I'm fine" when asked how he is doing.  His mom knows him so well that I can tell by the rise and fall of his voice if he is "fine."  The birthday was a downer and he lost two good friends lately.  I know when the bipolar depression is getting to him.  He is more like my dad in that sense.  I don't think Billy would have ever admitted to being depressed.  Angry...yes.  My kids and I stay in touch many times during the day.  Scott by Facebook sometimes but always calls me when he gets in from work.  This morning Kelli is out fishing the lakes and bayous.  She has her chigger/tick spray and keeps sending me videos so I can watch the bobber bob up and down in the water.  Not catching anything but a moderate sized catfish so far.  I am fortunate/lucky/blessed.  I don't take it for granted.  If I needed either of them they would be here within 30 minutes.  

I need to get on the sitting down bicycle, my legs hurt.  This quarantine is definitely depressing.  

I sure hope things get better Gwen and Gin. So much to worry about.  

I hope this new young doctor/scientist is allowed by the government and Big Pharma to help the world.  I've become cynical about a lot of things.  

Thanks for the shoring up folks, I know I'm not really dumb downed, but get brain tired.  Also know I use a lot of southern colloquialisms, just simply because that is what I am, and I love our old southern language.  I think it is an old cowboy saying but I think you all are "good men/women to ride the river with."  Billy used to tell me that all the time.  I was a good one to "ride the river with."  I felt it a very nice compliment.  

[MartyT]

24 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Billy used to tell me that all the time.  I was a good one to "ride the river with."  I felt it a very nice compliment.  

♥️  ♥️

[kayc]

Marg, I'm glad I'm not the only one...never used zoom or saw how it operates!  No point in it living with my internet service.

Gwen, I wish the woman gave something back to you, she's undeserving of your friendship but I also understand needing someone for something as I was there a few years ago with my "friend" who watched Arlie when I was away.  Finally found a teen to take care of him when I was gone but now she's moved too.  Feel pretty on my own with Kodie.

I hope no more poop incidents today for you, Gwen!  (for Ally I mean)

[Gwenivere]

Thanks Kay.  I made Ally get out of bed early this morning and opened the back door so no poop.  Actually, I could use help there but not a fun topic.  🙂

Today is starting out even earlier with frustration and fear.  My alarm was too low so I didn’t hear it.  Melody didn’t either so lucky I woke up.  Ally didn’t show up to greet me when I woke up or was getting dressed.  Of course, I feared the worst.  But she is here and doing OK.  I’d been in pain for the last couple hours of sleep so walking today is going to be very bad.  Getting the mail proved that.

I got a message my knee appointment tomorrow is with the wrong doctor so has to be rescheduled.  When I call I still need some questions answered about doing this without steroids. The doc said I could forego the steroids, but I had to call the cardiac clinic to find out the size of the cyst and now wait til the drain doc tells me if it is worth doing,  I made an appointment with dermatology for my shins and ankles for next Monday and hopefully can fill out the forms on my tablet.  I hate sitting and doing that in the offices.  Have a televisit with the back surgeon next week as well as my doc  That makes 4 appointments plus counseling.  I’m looking for things to do every day, but these aren’t them.  I was talking to my friend that was by over the weekend for tasks and showed him my calendar which is full with all med stuff and a mere 2 for yard clean up and deck maintenance.  I’m really feeling the effects of losing volunteering at 6 months now.  

I’m so damned sick of this pandemic and all the stuff you have to do going in anywhere.  I hate the masks.  I hate the fear.  I hate how it has created such emotional loneliness by no contact.  I was reading it is the perfect trifecta for mental stress.  Isolation, loss of touch and  limited medical care because of not wanting it to spread.  Our ER's are almost empty as they send people home if suspected of anything resembling covid.  Makes me feel less safe as I have a lung condition they could turn away.  

I know, I know......it is what it is and we have no control over it.  Only our reactions and mine are not good.  Nothing to fall back on as I often hear 'thank gawd I’m not alone and have so and so'.  What a difference that would make.  The closet I compare this too were times we were snowed in for weeks.  I was looking for something in the closet and found our board games.  They’ll never be played again.  It’s TV, computer and whatever small tasks I can handle here now.  

I know it Monday because of having to make all these phone calls.  Guess I hate Mondays too.

[KarenK]

I'm going through my yearly now(I guess) thing of having the plumber unplug my washer/utility sink drain. Still can't figure out why the washer drains into the sink and the plumber can't either, but the sink won't drain fast enough between cycles and almost runs over. There is surely something really wrong in the wall or ground which I sure can't afford to fix. I know it was not this way 30 years ago when sink was put in. You gotta love old houses. Will love it even less when I pay the plumber.

[kayc]

Gwen, you got a LOT done yesterday!  Being as my internet was out from 5-1 when I wanted to be on it, I have appt. today and tomorrow, Saturday have to work all day, Sunday church, Monday surgery...it kind of put a kink in my schedule.  For lack of better things to do, I caught up on little things I've put off, organizing bottles for recycliing, took garbage up to the street, cleaned out my cleaning supply closet, through away everything 20 years old, ha!  Worked on my budget for hours...got it set up through 2022 (I know, I can be anal)...I'd accidentally copied over something that shouldn't have been so it through all of my formulas off, so backed it up and put it on my laptop, renaming the old file, copied what I needed back into it, verified everything was okay, backed it up and put it back on my PC.  I would have hated walking anyone through that!  Too easy for something to go wrong in the process.  Got poor Kodie up late as I needed full concentration, so made it up to him with extra walks yesterday, it was a beautiful day, started out cold, got into 60s, maybe 70 briefly.  

Karen, I'm so sorry you go through this every year!  Seems the plumber could figure it out but if it's underground he probably doesn't want to tackle getting to the root of the problem.  If it wasn't that way 30 years ago, what could have changed?  Something a plumber should be able to figure out.  Ugh, our plumber charges a minimum fee about $100, can't remember.  He's near retirement and that  makes me nervous.  When I moved here we could hire locally, now more and more we have to pay someone to come up from Eugene, VERY expensive!  They wanted about $500 to replace the glass in my wood stove last time, coming from Salem, Eugene was even worse although twice as close!  Highway robbery.  Lucky my son came to my rescue but I hate having him do things, he's the busiest person I know and too far away.

[KarenK]

Plumber charged $150 which is probably standard fee around here. He said both drains(copper)are apparently in a Y configuration with the very old lead main pipe which will easily clog. When it clogs, the washer drains to the other side of the Y and up the sink which makes sense. If it happens more frequently, there is a more expensive procedure called hydro something which shoots highly pressurized water through the lines but might be more effective. So far today, it's draining fine.

Our governor is reclosing  bars, theaters, gyms, and water parks for at least 30 days because of rising Covid numbers.

Both you and Gwen are whirlwinds compared to me. Didn't sleep at all last night. Too much to worry about.

[Gwenivere]

I hate that worry thing, Karen.  Fortunately I can escape in sleep.  But my conscious hours are twice as long and it’s there constantly.   I know living in it just magnifies it too.  A tree we’ve needed cut down for years now seems like it will fall and create a catastrophe even tho it hasn’t changed.  My walking is so compromised I’ll be in a wheelchair soon.  That could be true,  I know my dog can’t continue on forever but I see myself being locked up for losing my mind when it happens.  And household things?  It seems they are picking now to happen.  I need to switch alarm monitoring companies and it’s a huge hassle.  They won’t do it without coming out to test the system which works fine.  Want to test every window and door.  I kinda get it, but want to say there wasn’t a problem with the old company, talk to them.  I just hate having people wandering around in here unless it’s truly warranted  like your sink.  I get all the stuff done but I don’t feel any accomplishment beyond something functioning again.  It’s from being alone.  No one to feel good about it with or thecfact much of it Steve would handle.  I’ve lost the jobs I liked without him and taken on the ones I hate.  Itwill never feel right again.  I don’t like getting things fixed.  I liked buying food and cooking dinner.  I don’t like supervising yard work of tech troubles, I want to buy his Mountain Dew on sale.  Guess there is a blessing I’m too old now to keep the pace I did.  I just call it sad.

[kayc]

Karen, I'm glad your plumbing is unclogged...do you know what is plugging it up so frequently?  Do you have a garbage disposal?  Running that can help, but I wouldn't put any stuff down the drain.  Some people run everything through but I'm on a septic tank, would rather put it in the garbage than have it full to capacity!  Let alone clog the pipes!

 

[Gwenivere]

Spent  2 hours setting up a new alarm monitoring company.  Normally it wouldn’t have been that hard, but having to call in about 5 times to verify info just got to me.  Nothing ever feels simple anymore.  I’ve got that fog going, have to do a counseling session, pick up an RX and take a shower.  Can barely walk and again wonder how I make it thru another day.  It’s exceptionally cool for Seattle and cloudy.  Guess the 4th we move to normal temps.  As always, I just want to go back to bed.  Need to move Ally’s pain meds around as the afternoon one isn't as effective as her night ones.  Rather she have the better for when she is active rather than sleeping.  Then there is that dinner thing for me.  It’s a long way til Monday and maybe getting some answers or ideas from the dermatology clinic.  Putting  cyst drainage on hold til I see them.  

Went thru my fridge a bit and found 2 horrid apples.   I live on those and peanut butter for lunch so will have to go to the only grocery that sells the lunch box size.  I’m finding  it harder and harder to be in stores with the masks and all are posting you have to wear one.  I am actually exempt with a lung condition but I would get some nasty looks if I didn’t.  First thing I do is rip it off when I’m done.  Could hardly breathe picking up my RX's.  Get so little exercise I walk in instead of the drive up.  

Ally is getting skinny despite her normal food.  Creates a dilemma as more food means probably more accidents in the house.  Hard on ye olde back.  Been witholding some food choices as they are hard on her tummy.  More milkbones which she doesn’t seem to mind.  Miss Steve every day going thru this.  We both could sure use 'big strong dad' (BSD) as he called himself.  I do too.  Always a hero to us.

 

[kayc]

Gwen, I know all too well the difficulty of balancing diet & weight...I had to cook for Arlie to regulate his Colitis, I actually miss getting up at 4 am to start a batch of food, it usually took about 1 1/4 - 1 1/2 hours to fix & clean up.  Shows what we do for our babies.

I go in Monday to the dermatologist for my melanoma removal...do we know how to have fun or what!  Let us know how your visit goes...

[Margm]

I'm writing this on the 2nd, because I will be out of town on the 3rd.  In 1961, on the morning of July 3rd, my lifelong friends and classmates Bonnie and Marilynne made the trip down highway 371 from our small town to the village at the end of the road (at that time), which was 31.2 miles away.  We made sure the garage apartment I was moving into that night had all the new things set up and ready for a wedding destination ending.  As we were leaving, I called Billy just to make sure he was gonna be there.  The grocery store in front of the apartment had a pay phone, no cell phones in 1961.) Then we traveled to my home, a new place my folks had moved in after my graduation.  Twelve years at same school, 17 years, birth town.  Billy lived at the very end of the parish (county), I lived on the Arkansas line.  Because of my mom and I not getting along, we moved the date up from the 7th to the 3rd.  Could not get my folks pastor (who had already signed on) for the 7th, but got my pastor in my lifelong church in my hometown.  Picture had been in the paper for the 7th.  Didn't expect many people, and that was what we wanted.  We had all our "couple" friends with us.  I got ready in my short white dress with the lace boudice that Mama had made.  We had found material for 42 cents a yard. (I'm remembering things that were unimportant, just easy to remember).  We didn't make any pictures of the wedding.  Did not even think about it.  Billy got paid on the 7th, so he sold a gun to his friend to pay the preacher.  I had groceries in the refrigerator.  Bacon, eggs, bread, butter, Miracle Whip (what else did we need?)  I had never been on my own to do anything.  

I was standing on my porch, waiting for Mama and my sister and Daddy and I were standing.......just waiting.  A gentleman friend of Daddy's came up (and I won't mention any names), he was the future lead singer in a family bluegrass band that made a pretty big splash among bluegrass fans.  Yes, my dad was a banjo, mandolin, fiddle, and anything else that made musical sounds player and played with some bands (local only).  We all talked, he teased me some.  I saw where he had passed away last month or so.  Just shows how many years ago this was.  He was a young man then.  My own dad was an old man of 42.  We got to the church, which was in the old hometown and all of a sudden it was filled up with people.  My hand signature on the marriage certificate is very shaky, Billy's strong and bold.  Then he told me marriage was 75/25 and to guess what part was mine.  Uh-ho, that kid of 20 thought he was my boss.  We straightened all that out over the years.  

That night, way up into the morning, till daylight, he and I, along with two other couples (may have been three for part of night) stayed up and played Rook and dominoes and talked.  Then they left us.  That marriage was the biggest feather bed (although we didn't have one) to fall into and though we had lots of rough times, it was a feather bed life I was not ready for him to leave.  We had only just begun.  On the 3rd, it would have been 59 years, and I would have liked 59 more.  To quote Kris Kristofferson "Loving him was easier than anything I'll ever do again."

Lots of water rolled under that bridge and a few times it was shaky, but was stronger than when it first began, at the end.  I can remember every thing from so many years ago, but cannot remember what I walk into a room to get, sometimes.  

I will be gone most of tomorrow.  I sure do miss him, and he was also "good to ride the river with."  I am him, and he is still me.  

Pictures around that time are still packed away.  I might get to them eventually.  

[KarenK]

Marg, it is a beautiful love story. May tomorrow be filled with wonderful memories.

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know how many people had traditional weddings.  My first was kinda that way, tho in a backyard with a judge in a red coat as it was Valentine’s Day.  Reception there also.  Steve sang for the ceremony (talk about irony) and other musicians joined in later for a makeshift band.  Got to wear a wedding gown, do the cake, garter and tossing bouquet thing.  

Steve and I married in jeans in Reno with a very flamboyant woman officiating.  Very hung over as we missed the midnight deadline so we gambled and stayed up very late.  Had to fly back to SF as we missed the train and I was sick with a cold.  Had brought a cake and camera with timer to get pics.  

The first one filled the totally your day thing.  Was just as exciting getting married in jeans as Steve did the tux thing at his first.

marg,yours is very sweet.  Each of our firsts had lots of people too.  That was fun with an open bar and actually no fights!   I still have my dress, it was something I found in an antique store from the early 1900’s (totally satin, no frills, 6 foot train) and had to be made longer as I was so tall.  It would never fit now even to I weigh the same.  A few things have shifted from 27 to 64.  Plus they put zippers on the sides and I recall having to squish into it back then, but it was a perfect fit.  Glad I have pictures.  My fav is me dancing with my dad.  Kinda showed me the outcome of the union.  But if your into it, it’s fun being a bride.  

 

 

[Margm]

I tried on my belt to the dress after Scott was born and no matter if I got to below my weight at high school, I could never pull it together again.

[Gwenivere]

Never having kids, I got to keep my figure longer than most moms.  Seeeing mom celebrities is usually a result of the ability to pay private trainers.  It was in my 50’s that my flat stomach gave in to age.  Miss that thing.  Legs got flabby in the last 2 years with the back stopping exercise I got.  Miss smooth hands too.  I got old lady hands, crinkly and bruised easily.  Some knuckles thick from arthritis.  I’m always noticing young women’s hands when handed something.  Commercials for these intense face creams by young models guvevme a chuckle.  Never needed that at that age.  Just light moisturizer and foundation.  Once you cross over to puffiness and wrinkles, there’s no going back.  I look at the commercials for older people and see no true difference in before and after pics.  But hey, some want to fight, so I say go for it.  There’s that old saying that every line in my face was earned.  Think that’s true.  Sure had a lot of smiles and laughs along the decades.  People say I don’t look 64 which is nice.  My give away is the moaning and groaning getting up and down and walking.  THAT'S an old woman!  The gray hair isntbin my favor now that I gave up streaking it.  Seems like it all hit at once, but it was sneaky.  A little here a little there.  Steve got the stomach thing going first.  He just went with the flow.  I think if we made the very best of our youth it’s easier.  No regrets.  I know people that didn’t and they are usually a bit bitter.  I run into lots of young people that have some remarkable attractive things like hair, eyes and even sometimes tattoos, which I usually dislike, and tell them how cool they look.  Guess it’s not a common thing from us old folks.  I know when I was that age my moms generation was negative to the new freedoms and heard it a lot.  Sad.  But they were coming from an time of restriction, not freedom.  No pill, bra optional, minimal skin exposure and definitely not women being as assertive as men.  I asked for dates as much as I got asked.  I knew the clock was ticking, no time to waste!  Stevecwas like that too.  It’s why we clicked so well, we were both seize the moment ASAP people.  More so than most even then.  Guess that’s why we skipped dating and went feet first into physical encounters at every chance.  We did the dating thing when we were married about 20 years. Became a weekly thing.....our night for going out.  It was sacred too.  Nothing took precedence.  He’d even skip jams.  Blew me away!  That’s why my Saturday nights are extra lonely.  I wish I knew a way to get them back so we all don’t have to live in memories.  Didn’t have to grow old(Er) alone.  Such a simple thing...give them back.  

[scba]

Give them back

[KarenK]

I have never had a wedding dress. In 1963, I was married in a Vegas wedding chapel in a baby blue wool suit with a mink collar. I was 16. My 18 year old husband was very handsome in his suit and just as handsome the last time I saw him at our daughter's graveside. Both sets of our parents were there. No on else. The next day, he returned to his Coast Guard cutter in Calif. And I returned to high school in Az. Most likely doomed from the start but love doesn't know that. We stayed together for 8+ years. In 1972, dressed in a lavender pantsuit, I married Ron at the beautiful home of a friend. My parents, my daughter, and a couple of my friends from work were there.

Forty years later, when I lost Ron and then Debbie, I gained age and health problems. Not much of a trade off, I don't think. At 73, I still have blonde hair with no gray. I have always looked younger than my age, a trait I inherited from my mother. But these old bones and sad memories know the truth, believe me.

[Margm]

46 minutes ago, KarenK said:

I gained age and health problems

Billy would not let me get old.  He would get angry if anyone called him old.  I have totally let myself go and only do the things that keep me alive and this excess weight is not good.  No exercise is bad too.  I know all that.

Karen, I never wore my dress again.  I think it was put in Mama's cedar chest and somehow a lot of my things got thrown away or destroyed.  Does me no good now anyhow.  At least you could wear your suit again.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm so sorry for all of our losses.

It is now July 3rd, my 59th wedding anniversary.  I'm still here and my imagination cannot conjure him up in cardinals, Angels I am familiar with, and he had three old girlfriends that went on before me.  I told you sometimes God laughs at me.  It is really just another day.  It meant something together.  It was a long time.  And, yes I wanted more.  

[KarenK]

Marg, the blue wool suit and lavendar pantsuit are long gone, just as the person who wore them is. Ron and I will remain forever, just as you and Billy will.

My heart is with you.

[Gwenivere]

Wow, 59th anniversary, Marg.  What sucks is Billy missed the last few.  Now we have a date etched when they left and that good one of being together is darkened.  It’s just not right.  I hope you talked with Billy.  I never know what to do on the new date in my life of losing Steve.  October 29th. A day that never meant anything until 5 upyears ago.  Now January 30th is empty when us was a celebratory day. Thinking of you.  💖

[brat#2]

Your are in my thoughts Marg, our "happy" anniversaries are so difficult.  Hugs

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

I sure do miss him, and he was also "good to ride the river with."  I am him, and he is still me.  

You two packed in a lot of good memories!  You're in my thoughts today...I never quite know how to deal with anniversaries or what to say to those who have them after they've lost their partner.  So hard.  I hope the good memories carry you through today.

[kayc]

My first marriage I didn't have a wedding...we went to Mexico to get married as I was 17, I wore a brown velvet mini dress I found in an antique shop and added lace to around the neckline.  So young...so didn't know anything.

My second one I had a church wedding, it was July and very hot, my mom made the dress, eyelet with cotton lining, I made the veil, long, layered, lots of lace.  My little sister borrowed it for her wedding and altered it, I threw it away as I felt it wrecked it.  

When I married George, it was private, simple, my niece played the piano for us, Julie brought flowers for me to "carry" but there was no "aisle" to walk down...I only remember the look on George's face, he looked like, "Aha!  I've GOT you now!"  It was one of the happiest moments of my life, only equaled by the birth of my children.

I don't consider my "marriage" to John a real marriage, it was a sham created by a con artist (him) and had I discovered sooner I would have had it annulled.  I'm aggravated I still bear his name and debts.  A moment of regret that will last me a lifetime to bear.