My Sanity Needed Vents

[Margm]

50 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Oh,  the good old days when life was less complicated.

My dad and I followed blue grass and country music festivals, they would have concerts traveling to high school auditoriums and gyms.  We would see Red Souvine, Red Foley, Slim Whitman, Faron Young, and we would follow the religious singing quartets in all the little towns around.  I did not/have not/will never have a music corpuscle in my body.  I took two years of chorus and would pantomime my words.  I loved the music, I had the beat, just not the pure music, not even a harmonica.  My kids have all kinds of talents, my dad did also, my sister is a poet, my mom could have done anything (but music), and thinking I must have something, years of psychoanalysis taught me I just have chronic depression.  Anyone can have that.  Well, the way I shake, can you imagine how my feelings would be if my life's ambition was to be a neurosurgeon?  

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

I cannot do anything but wonder about my Baptist friends who acted like I was going to see a demon movie in watching "Narnia."  I still feel strangely toward them.  They obviously were not as smart as I was. 😁

I cannot imagine anyone not impressed with C.S. Lewis and his ability to write about good and evil in a way so many could hear, including non believers such as myself.  I would watch the movies and think if there IS a god, this one I could see believing in.  That takes a brilliant mind to reach so many of so many different thinking.  Yes, you were smart.  I was hooked from the first one and bought the book which has so many other stories.  It sounds to me, and I mean no offense, that your Baptist friends had a very nrrow vision.  This is a huge world and has to accept we all don’t see things alike.  I remember debates with the nuns growing up asking....are you telling me my friend who is not Catholic is denied heaven even tho they are moral and good?  Thus could get too religious to post.  All I am trying to say is every culture has a belief that, at the roots, is the same. Someone or thing that loves and cares about us.  Names for it may be different, that’s about it. 

Ive never done Kindle.  I like the feel of a book in my hands.  The smell of it.  Weird, eh?  I like bookmarks to see my progress and quickly see if I have time for another chapter.  Unfortunately I can read the computer screen better.  I’ll have to get new glasses one of these days I’m not seeing a doctor for all the other crap.  It’s probablt the computer that messed me up!  🤪

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Marg M said:

I cannot do anything but wonder about my Baptist friends who acted like I was going to see a demon movie in watching "Narnia."  I still feel strangely toward them.  They obviously were not as smart as I was. 😁

Obviously!    None of the Baptists I know are like that, we'd pass the books around!

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It sounds to me, and I mean no offense, that your Baptist friends had a very nrrow vision.

Maybe they needed their water checked? Ha...

[Margm]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Maybe they needed their water checked? Ha...

I will not make fun of religion (well, I might sometimes), but these are the very people that yelled the loudest at Jerry Ford's wife having been married before and he was one term.  Slipping into politics, so I will shut up.  Some people have a narrow view on the world and I think it is because they never left their comfort zone.  They never left the perimeter of 200 miles from their original home, but when you return after leaving and living among humans, your view of the world in general changes.  One woman could not accept her daughter being gay.  Her daughter thought she was an evil person and killed herself.  That same mother went on the lecture circuit (too late for her daughter), but not too late for other parents.  You accept your grown/young children's way of life, even if you do not agree with it.  You worry about the people "out there" that would hurt them.  But, at least we do not live in a country that it would be automatic death if the truth came out of the closet.  Many still do not accept this, but when it hits your friends and home more than once, you think of all the people who off'ed themselves because they were different.  Vive la difference.  

Just my opinion, if I had a tremendous mansion, I would ask the "Queer Eye" fellows to move in.  Especially Antoni.  (He cooks)  It really is not hard to accept "different."  

[Kieron]

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

I cannot do anything but wonder about my Baptist friends who acted like I was going to see a demon movie in watching "Narnia."

That's puzzling, Marg... the whole story of "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe" is an allegory.  Aslan submitting himself to the ritual murder by the White Witch and her minions, and being resurrected at dawn and found alive and unharmed by the two girls Lucy and Susan, and then bringing resurrection to all the people of Narnia who had been turned to stone by the Witch, all that is a metaphor right out of that self-same Bible.  How much plainer can it get?

35 minutes ago, Marg M said:

  Many still do not accept this, but when it hits your friends and home more than once, you think of all the people who off'ed themselves because they were different. 

And people often don't think about things until those things affect them directly in some way.  You can almost never go back and "un-see" once your eyes are opened to the world.  Some can, I suppose...

 

 

 

[Margm]

My granddaughter likes to tease me and say I am "woke" and I have not always been.  I came from a small "mill-town" where many still live that grew up there.  Billy and I grew up in the 50's and 60's.  Our son's best friend in the first grade was a person of color.  We did not know that until his dad sent us pictures of their Christmas party and I loved it. My son became a Mason in this small place.  He quietly quit going to the meetings.  I asked why and he said the people had told him that the black people had their own meetings.  My dad was a Mason.  My granddaughter is Amerasian.  We lived in a small town in Arkansas where 99.9% of the people were vanilla.  They threw rocks at my granddaughter.  She got along with all the young boys but the girls very much disliked her.  She is beautiful.  Not just a grandma's sight, but she really is beautiful.  Because of the hate they demonstrated we home schooled her.  We would go up town and her "boy" friends would have her come sit with them in the pizza shop.  She was a tween, but she has seen more ugly in the world than I ever did at her age.  Come to find out, it was a "sundowner" town.  Billy and me, we both were putting the house on the market to come back to the bigger towns we came from..  I just carried through with it, he came along in an urn.  

I cannot speak of all the injustice we have seen, not just for her but other members of our family.  Maybe sometimes God gives us his best.  I think we got the best.  

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Kieron said:

 a metaphor right out of that self-same Bible.  How much plainer can it get?

And people often don't think about things until those things affect them directly in some way.  You can almost never go back and "un-see" once your eyes are opened to the world.  Some can, I suppose..

You asked the most obvious question.  Perhaps there is some blasphemy in it not being from the Bible.  

What is scary is many can go back and unsee things.  Or maybe they never really saw them at all.  History keeps repeating itself in so many ways.  We gain some enlightenment that made sense all along and something else needs the same.  We see it in war and protests but there are so many venues.   It’s like grief used to be a year of wearing black and bam!   You’re free!  You can wear colors again, so it’s over.  I’m just glad all the things never talked about openly are now.  People are starting, still a long way to go, to see they can voice what they feel.  What is sad is if it gets them hurt which does still happen.  I don’t know what goes on inside the head of someone who would lash out physically at someone for their belief or opinion.  I don’t like many things I hear, but all I have to do is walk away.  I don’t do losing battles with anyone who won’t at least meet me halfway.

thatvis what I expect from people regarding my grief and pretty much wound up with no one after 5 years.  I don’t make it a theme, but it’s a part of me it seems they want gone for good.  I can’t comply. 

[Margm]

My church was a different Baptist than Southern Baptist.  They were a fire and brimstone bunch.  I had to toe the line.  And, I did (until I graduated, then it was Katie bar the door).  I'm glad I was taught some things strictly.  But saying C.S. Lewis was bad took away some of my obedience.  (Oh, I had already discarded obedience period).  I don't go to church now because my stomach sounds like a lumber mill, anytime, anyplace.  I do watch a non-denominational service each Sunday.  Personally, if I was made to go to church, I would pick a church that was mostly a black church.  They have a good time with their religion and I like that.  

[MartyT]

Marg, I hope you write a book one day. You have a voice and a way with words that I just love. ♥️

[kayc]

23 hours ago, Marg M said:

I will not make fun of religion (well, I might sometimes), but these are the very people that yelled the loudest at Jerry Ford's wife having been married before

I'm not making fun of religion but I know legalism well, it comes with judgment and I've BEEN in such churches most of my life until the one I'm in now (Conservative Baptist) and quite honestly, I'm glad to be free of legalism and understanding grace in a whole new way.  I FEEL for people lost in judgmental-ism, it's a harsh world...my mom was one.  I look to Jesus as my example, I think He handled people well, he had a way of cutting to the chase and yet seeing the person for who they are and truly loving them there.  Offering a hand up and hope.

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Perhaps there is some blasphemy in it not being from the Bible.

People read fiction every day, this one is at it's best and has many good principles in it.  I think he did a terrific job!  Our (Baptist) pastor even quoted from it once.  I have a hard time with people who can only look at things from their own perspective, I love it when people can look at both sides of things with a listening ear and even maybe learn something!  I think for myself.  It was not always that way, I had a highly controlling mother and first two husbands...after the first husband I wasn't about to let anyone control me!  My second husband even tried to tell me how to vote, demanding to see my ballot, which I refused with a smile.  Told him it was my right to vote my conscience.  Then he "offered to drop it off for me," ha!  Like I'd fall prey to that!  I knew he'd open it up and throw it away.  I told him, "I'll take it myself, thank you!"  Again with a smile.  I always did gall him.  He never tried to get to know me and thus never appreciated me, too bad.  He's on his fourth marriage and takes a whole lot of crap from her because he "doesn't want another failure."  Not judging four marriages, I've had four myself, just saying, it's sad his life has come to this.  Quite honestly I'd rather be alone than be in a bad marriage again.  They all take work, but when you have one person who refuses to make effort, not a whole lot you can do.  I've tried killing with kindness but they never died! 

 

[Margm]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

They all take work, but when you have one person who refuses to make effort, not a whole lot you can do.  I've tried killing with kindness but they never died! 

What was it the Dixie Chicks sang?  "Did you like those black eyed peas Earl?"  Of course they are just the "Chicks" now, we have to stay proper politically minded.  Sometimes God does laugh at me, sometimes I get punished, but he does it in a way I can joke about it.  Taking Billy was no joke, taught me independence though.  I really didn't want to be independent, so I'm not laughing.  I do know "vengeance is mine said the Lord" but many a time I've begged him to let me watch, or just think up a way that maybe he had not thought of.  He told me to "be still."  

[kayc]

22 hours ago, Marg M said:

Did you like those black eyed peas Earl?

Haha, I hadn't thought of that in years!  Thanks for bringing me a chuckle, Marg!

22 hours ago, Marg M said:

I do know "vengeance is mine said the Lord" but many a time I've begged him to let me watch, or just think up a way that maybe he had not thought of.  He told me to "be still."  

Oh boy, do I ever know!! 

 

[Gwenivere]

Had a visit with the back surgeon.  Found out I was assessed as high risk, because of my lung problems, for it.  I was sad and glad.  Hard to describe but sad that it could be done with lots of extra tests but not bad enough they said no.  Glad that it had only worsened a bit, tho living with that it’s huge.  He said rehab for a week or two.  I asked if Steve was here, would I have gotten to come home and he said yes.  That gutted me, made me feel sorry for myself and really angry at Steve.  I can’t fathom, nor afford, someone living with me for that long.  I don’t want to go back to that hell of rehab either.  This doesn’t cover my vascular problems which cause pain too that no one has any answers on.  Supposed to go in and have my knee drained tomorrow.  Hope I can make the walk.  Hope they don’t make things worse.  I told them no steroids but forgot no epinephrine for anesthetic.  Hope they have the other stuff.  Saturday a televisit with my PCP.  I’M FED UP!  Sick if it all!   Now the pulmonologist has moved up my visit also.  Blather, blather.  

Ally is still hanging in there.  I lose sleep in the morning giving her an extra pain pill now.  Had to get a mobile vets number if her paw gets worse with her licking it.  

The Shape of Water was running last night.  Really moved me seeing it again.  The love. The bond formed.  Romances usually gag me, but this was cool by the very characters communicating their love being so very different.  As the narrator said at the end, no one knows if they ived happily ever after, but we want to believe they did.  

[widow'15]

Gwen:  Good to see Ally is hanging in there with your good care.  Did the vet think the licking of her paws is due to arthritis or joint pain? 

Sorry to see your full week schedule of doctor appointments.   I can understand your being fed up with it all.  Keeping you in my thoughts for tomorrow's knee procedure.  Hugs, Dee.

[Margm]

I know it is terrible to say this, but when they told me there was nothing else they could do for me and if anything went wrong they could not fix it, for some reason I had a feeling of peace.  I felt half my life had been suspended in those damn stirrups.  One time I had on a new pair of jeans.  My gyn doc was not a joking fellow, but when I got back in the room where I put on my clothes I found something sticking to the bottom of my hip "cheek."  No way did he not see it.  It was a round sticker that very plainly said "examined by #10" in black and white.   Just stuck to my hip.  I was by myself in the exam room and was laughing out loud.  He never mentioned it, and what could I say?  He had seen me all the way through the cancer, allowed me not to go back to MD Anderson, and I worked for a hospital, I know he had to call in some favors to have me seen the next morning.  But this was back before we had some wonderful equipment we have now and I was so miserable away from my kids..  Billy was able to take off and took every step I took (except in the treatment rooms).  I was just so scared being so far away from home, even with Billy.  We miss the person that is supposed to be with us.  I'm sorry you have to suffer this pain alone and on top of that watching Ally be ill also.  

Addendum:  I think the word was "inspected" and not "examined" but should have been noticed anyhow.

[kayc]

Gwen, I'm sorry you have to go through that procedure today.  I can't imagine how that must feel.  What do they hope to do with rehab for a week?  Can you trust them to keep it to one week or will they extend it once there?  I wouldn't trust them but that's just me.  I have a hard time trusting professionals, they don't know/care about me like those close to me do.  Do you feel more at peace knowing back surgery is out, like you don't have to decide now?  Darn I wish I lived closer to you, I hate to see you go to rehab, knowing you could go home if Steve were here.    Let us know how your knee procedure goes.

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

when they told me there was nothing else they could do for me and if anything went wrong they could not fix it, for some reason I had a feeling of peace. 

I understand, I really do.  It's release from having to make the hard decisions and going this way, that way, in your mind about it.  I'd feel that way too.

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

I found something sticking to the bottom of my hip "cheek."  No way did he not see it.  It was a round sticker that very plainly said "examined by #10" in black and white. 

  I loved this!  How he could not crack a smile at it, I don't know!  The man had amazing restraint!

[KarenK]

Gwen, hope all goes well with your knee procedure. I've probably asked you this before, but do you have a handicap placard so you don't have to park far away?

I must have missed your post mentioning Ally's licking her paws. Marley will lick her paws if her nails get too long. Then off to the vet for a trim. Tatum just chews hers off

[Gwenivere]

@widow'15 Ally definitely has a wound between her paw toes.  They suggested a cone, but that will make her instability worse.  I’m keeping an eye on it for now.  Will call a vet if I survive this week.  

@kayc  the surgery is not out and they can’t predict how long rehab would be.  Guess was 1-2 weeks.  I don’t know how I feel about anything but depressed.  Darkly depressed.  It’s been non stop phone med calls and a tree quote since I got up.  Digestion is awful.  I’d say I want a normal Friday, but there is no such thing.

@KarenK I do have a placard.  It’s a huge place tho, places a premium and still a long walk in.  People with partners are dropped off by the door.  Much easier.  

My only hope is this appointment doesn’t make anything worse.  I would normally not wear my compression socks as they arechard to take off, but I don’t know if they prevent that leg going dead thing.  So that will add aggravation physically. 

The guy that came to look at the tree had an artificial arm and missing 3 fingers in the other.  Train accident.  He was upbeat, was happy he could walk.  said he and his wife would pray for me and at first I thought, was this sent to humble me?  I think it’s great he has his attitude and his wife.  I’m not going to compare as I’m not going to invalidate my reality.  There is always someone worse or better with adversity.  So much of mine revolves around Steve not being here.  That is my burden to carry and it’s as real as it gets.  I didn’t tell him I was a widow.  You all know the replies and facial expressions from those that haven’t experienced it.  Wasn’t any point to it for getting a tree cut down unlike medical complexities.  

We are all valid in our feelings and how we choose to handle them.  I have to keep that in mind.  I try and make changes for my sanity where I can.  Sometimes it’s not possible, others I have.  Only we can judge what works and what doesn’t.  Even if we stay in something stubbornly.  It’s all our choice.  I hate when someone points that out to me as I’m aware of it.  That is why I hold my tongue when I see it in others as I understand it.  

That’s  what I treasure here.  Tolerance, caring and respect.  Saw Shaq on Fallon last night and he said make sure you tell the people that matter sooner than later so we don’t miss the chance.  This is mine to all of you.  ❤️

Off to the doc!  

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

We are all valid in our feelings and how we choose to handle them.  

Certainly we are.  I get it from my sister all the time that since 2014, medicine has come a long way.  I know it has.  I know they have discovered so many new things, but after laying buck naked like a side of beef ready to slice up, I choose not to lay on these tables for their poking and probing unless I am unconscious.  I realize she has only my health and not losing her sister as her concern, but I'm tired.  I have been probed and cut and poked too many times and I honestly would rather just go ahead and die, unless they catch me unconscious.  

We all have different ways we approach things and if it does not please everyone, then it does not concern them.  So, anything they say matters not at all.  I do think age has a lot to do with not caring what people think.  I did  used to care............I think..........I'm not sure I remember.  

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

the surgery is not out and they can’t predict how long rehab would be.  Guess was 1-2 weeks.

I'm sorry I misunderstood.  I thought it was off the table.  

 

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

We are all valid in our feelings and how we choose to handle them.

Quote of the day!

[Gwenivere]

I made it to the doc and he couldn’t find anything worth draining!   It was so hard walking in and out, undressing and dressing and laying on a slab.  So no pain relief but definitely more cause for pain.  What a deal!  Plus 2 nurses called for a weekly check in that I put off til next week.

I then went to a store I had to return something and took a shower when I got home from that gel they use for ultrasounds.  

Way too much stuff today.  On the plus side, I picked up Taco Bell’s newest enchilada and a resident at Foss I’m friends with  called and we caught up on various frustrations.  A quick nap and back to the usual.  Have a televisit with my doc tomorrow I don’t want to do, but all I have to do is sit at my desk.  Then I want to be left alone by med people.  

I look back on all this mess and having just had to get Ally in as she struggled and just want to cry.  I want Steve.  I just can’t get out from under that.  News was bad about the virus.  I don’t like this world anymore.

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I look back on all this mess and having just had to get Ally in as she struggled and just want to cry.  I want Steve.  I just can’t get out from under that.  News was bad about the virus.  I don’t like this world anymore.

Gwen:  So sorry to read about your day and Ally's struggles.  The virus does seem to be out of control throughout the states which doesn't add to anyone's sense of normalcy ever returning to our lives in the near future.   I was hoping the virus would have been contained by now so our lives without our spouses would be easier to handle.   I'll second not liking this world anymore.  Hugs, Dee

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I don’t like this world anymore.

Me neither, Gwen!

I've cut back on the news, it's all bad, can only digest so much and don't know who/what to believe anymore.

I'm sorry you didn't get any relief at the doctor.  I finally made an appt to have my numb/painful right hand looked at 7/20 when they take the stitches out of my other hand & back.  Will talk about my nerve damage on the left hand from the dog bite too.  I need to do something about the right hand, it's hard to clean house, cook, walk Kodie, anything right now because I'm in so much pain, this has gone on for months.  I'm desperate.

I'm sorry about Ally too, I know how heartbreaking it is to watch them age & struggle.  Harder than bearing our own infirmities even.

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know about you guys, but this onslaught by the news is becoming such a catalyst of fear and anxiety.  I limit my news info but it’s impossible to get away from just stepping out the door.  Even watching people walking by.  How everyone veers around each other.  The arborist  made sure to tell me the pen and iPad I had to sign was sterilized.  Taco Bell hands you your change and order in tubs.  The grocery stores announce on the hour for checkers to sanitize their station and self checks.  The tape marks on floors everywhere.  Being told to step back if you are a little too close.  Not seeing what anyone looks like.  I wouldn’t know that arborist if I saw him on the street uncovered.  I associate names with faces.  Now I have notes and business cards for that.  Atvthe doctor yesterday they sanitized my insurance card before handing it back.  I’m tired if the smell of alcohol.  Watching late night shows with so little humor anymore.  It’s about celebs surviving being stuck at home and unfunny jokes about the virus.  Endless pitches for endless charities.  I don’t mean to sound heartless as I donate to many of our chosen ones for years.  Add in the protests and you can see outlets for the frustration beyond what they are bringing light to.  Not a day goes by that makes sense to me anymore.  I thought it couldn’t get worse without Steve.  It has.

[Margm]

I am watching Gordon Ramsey and his bad talking self on National Geographic.  He is traveling and trying out foods we would not touch.  He was drinking camel's milk and Kelli was over here.  She gagged and I told her that they drank camel's milk like we do cow's milk.  Only, now we drink almond milk.  I don't know how they ever found the little teats on those almonds.  Mama switched goat's milk on me one time.  (Daddy had milk goats), he thought it would help his stomach.  (Anxiety from living with my mom).  That was back when they brought milk bottles to the door.  Mama had put the goat's milk in a cow's milk bottle.  I drank it and actually it was very good.  But, the idea itself gagged me.  So, another step into being a vegetarian.  She had already fooled me with venison steaks.  They were great, but the idea of eating wild meat as a teenager was repulsive.  (And Mama's family used to fight over who got the squirrel brains.).  To each his own.  

Anyhow, am enjoying watching National Geographic.  

Karen, I think I would write someone and tell them you are offended and it is politically incorrect to call that woman a "Costco Karen."

Sorry I put this under the wrong post.  Oh well, my sanity needed venting anyhow, but that is an everyday problem with me.