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Gwen, I am so sorry for your having to go through this, I know the pain, it's the hardest thing ever...but sometimes it's the kindest thing we can do for them.  You will likely question your decision in the days ahead...know that that is normal, we often do it.  With my cat I didn't because it was so obvious, with her kidneys and liver both shut down, it was her time to go.  But with Arlie I thought, "I could have had him here with me today if I'd put it off another day/week."  But deep inside I knew, I made the right decision FOR HIM and he was out of it now...now just to get through MY pain!
Come here, vent, scream, cry, whatever you feel like.  You know we hold you in our hearts.  
Will anyone be with you?

@Marg M  Yes they got it all, free and clear.  Still healing...

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Vet coming in half an hour to do assessment as she ate and went outside.  I’ve not had a med professional look at her on this so I need his opinion on this and forth crisis mode. To me she is just existing.  She may eat, but then she wants to just lay down.  A buddy is coming from work to be with me.  I have to not only consider her, but myself watching a once vibrant being that has no interest in anything.  Doing extra cooking that hurts me.  I definitely don’t want to wait til she would have terrible pain.  I don’t even know how much she feels now.  Thank you all for being here.  I’ll update when I can.  Oddly, I feel the same way, just existing and it will get emptier, but I don’t think the vet can help me with that.  

This is the cost of loving too much.  Feeling guilty for not being able to do anything to keep her as long as possible because it’s just buying time she is passing unable to do what she loved.  This notbeing clear cut pain decision waving questions.  Vet here.  Knots in stomach, have to put Mel outside.

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We're waiting to hear an update...holding you in my heart.

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Ally’s gone.  It went differently than other times which will haunt me for awhile.  Don’t want to type details.  Am so very grateful my buddy was here as he knew her so well and got to say goodbye.  Vet said blips of being better were common and do complicate the decision.  The most helpful thing he said is how did I want to remember her.  She would never 'get better'.  Just have better days sometimes, like today.  I’m glad she wasn’t in pain, but also, that in his practice he saw less regret not having waited as things can get bad so quickly and you’re stuck waiting for help.  So I’m in shock mode right now.  Her collar is here.  Her meds.  She’s nowhere to be found, and I have a lot if crying in my future. 💔 Thank you all for being here for me.  It means the world to me.  ❤️

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2 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Ally’s gone.  It went differently than other times which will haut me for awhile.  Don’t want to type details.  Am so very grateful my buddy was here as he knew her so well and got to say goodbye.  Vet said blips of being better were common and do complicate the decision.  The most helpful thing hecsaud is how did I want to remember her.  She would never 'get better'.  Just have better days sometimes, like today.  I’m glad she wasn’t in pain, but also, that in his practice he saw less regret not having waited as things can get bad so quickly and you’re stuck waiting for help.  So I’m in shock mode right now.  Her collar is here.  Her meds.  She’s nowhere to be found, and I have a lot if crying in my future. 💔 Thank you all for being here for me.  It means the world to me.  ❤️

Praying for comfort and peace for you. It is a tough decision to make and as you say the price of love. Shalom (Peace)

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Gwen, my heart goes out to you, I know how tough this is.  Even when planned, the finality hits us hard.  Go ahead and cry those tears, I know you are missing her and it has to seem surreal.  I join George in offering up my heartfelt prayers for you for comfort.f  I'm glad your friend was with you and the vet so understanding.

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 She’s nowhere to be found, and I have a lot if crying in my future.....

Gwen:  You know you have been in my thoughts since the beginning of this and I will continue to have you in my thoughts as you find your way.  Take all the time you need to cry.   Hugs, Dee

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I know it's hard for you right now Gwen, because I'm remembering my morning after, waking up and knowing Arlie is gone.  So hard to do.  We're all thinking of your and wishing there were something we could do or say, but knowing we can do naught but sit with you.

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Warning, I don’t feel myself at all and do and don’t make sense.  I say things that sound like I’m more in pity of me than Ally and that is NOT true.  I’m so messed up by this.   Can’t even speak her name to anyone without breaking down.  I had more calls than I realized and the tissue pile grows.

*****************

It is hard.  This morning the routines were the same, but only half done.  Only 1 vitamin, bowl of food, snack cracker and no pills set out for various times thruout the day.  Worst thing being no face I’m used to seeing for over 15 years.  Condolences here and private mail.  I’ll take back the med stuff that was driving me nuts.  I feel this little pit of guilt in relief I don’t have to fight her on pills and start making special meals.  Tho that was a big flag to me as we never did that with any dog.  We’d try it and say if this is what it takes, this means it’s getting worse.  She got so finicky it angered me.  That wasn’t right.  Spitting out cookies or treats.  Other times gobbling them up, no rhyme or reason she could tell me.  

I cant speak of her without crying.  I just called my shrink about payment and as soon as I mentioned her I was awash in tears.  The pain is so unbearable right now and I had this crazy thought that my back and leg pain would ease since I had to pay such a high price in my heart losing my baby.  But they persist.  How much more is life going to keep taking away?  

I have an errand to run this afternoon, could wait, but I can’t stand being barraged by mental paralysis or breakdown.  So I’ll go out and hope my leg doesn’t go dead on me so I can come home to Melody and be greeted by a happy dog.  I can’t tell if she misses Ally.  She’s had to be so independent as Ally isolated more.  And then, they do much better than we do accepting the now.  She probably wouldn’t remember she already ate lunch if I ate again.  I know she hasn’t forgotten her tho.  Not yet.  Wish she could cry with me.  

Thought I posted this.  This day has been a mental jumble.  You just never know what people will say.  My childhood best friend was totally empathetic bring a dog mom, but the conversation led into the covid virus being a hoax and controlled by the 'deep state'.  (Why I don’t call her much anymore, she’s pretty out there on a lot of stuff).  My chilly shrink left me a warm message.  Had he not identified himself I’d think I was dreaming.  Ran into a pic of Ally reconciling my Visa from the vet as they always put their pics on them.  Cut it out and slipped in my desk drawer.  She’s about 8 and in her prime.  The vet left a paw print clay thing that is hardening.  Booklet about grief.  Off to finish the first day and pick up all the Kleenex.

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I am so sorry, Gwen, I remember going through the same thoughts/feelings, not that long ago.  The feeling slight relief thing (I cooked for Arlie for years, getting up at 4 so he could eat at 6) and felt that relief and then broke into tears and told him to come back, I'd be glad to cook for him forever!  This is all so hard!  We're here for you.  
When your life is upside down it's hard to listen to people's out there rants...sick of the whole COVID thing.  Sick of politics.  Sick of all of the doom & gloom the news is made of. 
Death seems to rewrite what is important and what isn't to us.

Wishing I could be there to just sit by you and hand you Kleenex.

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15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Worst thing being no face I’m used to seeing for over 15 years.

Gwen:  You took such good care of Ally during her 15 years of life it is understandable it will take time to learn a new routine, gradually.  The worst thing for me is I miss Maddie's company and all the smiles she would add to my lonely day and that sweet face letting me know what she needed.  The medications and treatments was the price I chose to pay to keep her in my life as long as I could without her suffering.  I felt anger too at times which I think was more fear that I could do no more and was facing that painful decision you just did for your Ally.  Dee   

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Regrets are hitting hard now.  Flooded by Ally, Belle and Steve. I called Lap of Love and they have a free counseling service I will email this evening as I have a counseling session soon which will help.  I thought t was bad waking to the emptiness with Steve.  It was more than enough.  It’s been killing me at night preparing for the next day by half.  I saw on my to do  list brush the GIRLS.  It’s Melody now.  I’ve received nothing but support, more than I  exoected yet I’m in that dark hole.  Steve predicted this for himself had I had left first.  S that’s 5 dogs lost in my circle in this month.  Time to go out and breathe the world, such as it is and then come home to Melody a hopefully more together mom.  Cunselling did help.  If I could just master that the 'evil' thoughts are normal and to not give them power.  Time.  It always takes time.  Time that moves so slow the one instance we are willing to give it up faster.

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15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

the 'evil' thoughts are normal and to not give them power.

This!  They are normal, we remind ourselves of that.  I have regrets, times I wish I hadn't pushed Arlie to eat, I was so terrified of him dying.  I think how I would feel if I had cancer and didn't feel good and someone made ME eat!  I hope he understands how much I love him.  I think they do.  He is...was...my world.

I'm glad the counseling helped.  

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Time that moves so slow the one instance we are willing to give it up faster.

I do understand.  I'm glad my son brought me Kodie, little did I know I'd lose Kitty less than a month later.  I would not like being alone.  But nothing/no one will ever replace Arlie.  Yes, as if we didn't have enough to live with!  I wish you some comfort and peace in the days ahead, I know how hard the adjusting can be!

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OK,  where does everybody go on the weekends?  Have some of you found ways to take days off I’m not aware of?  😎

today was typical, yet magnified because of Ally.  No news there.  Dee and Kay, I don’t know how you handled this at all.  The regret I feel, which I am told not to, is I did this too soon.  Even tho it could have become bad as this did involve her legs and kidneys and who knows what else and I was tired of being on high alert and making special meals.  I question if I didn’t want out from under that even tho I KNOW I loved her more than anything I had in my world now.  Ugh, I won’t drone on about it as you’ve all been so wonderful and if I was maybe a few weeks premature, this as inevitable.  It’s being human and the ability to foresee down the road that becomes a handicap at times.  

I’m not all here.  I put my nicotine path out with a comb instead of the scissors to open it.  Fumbled with med bottles getting morning pills that haven’t changed in years and had to really think about it. Had a cinnamon roll to take out for the birds and stared at it for a long time wondering if I planned on eating some of it with lunch or it all went.  Forgot to put Mel’s collar on and often call her Al.  

I feel like I am slipping away.  So untethered to anything that matters anymore.  How I am now 'free' to have that unwanted back surgery as I don’t have to worry about Ally.  Mel is covered.  But as much as I struggle with this crippling pain, what is the point of the long rehab?  I look in my soul of what I’d gain except easier walking as far as fulfillment in this life and see nothing.  You have to see possible reason to fight to do it.  Then there is the news I am high risk.  I don’t know what that involves, but I do know it means more complications to even have it done.  There is literally something wrong with me from head to toe.  5 conditions. My true and needed  motivating factor, Steve, is gone.  This is the cost, for me, of losing him.  No children, no family, no friends that are like family in my close world.  Cut off from my passion at the nursing home.  Things I would want to do I physically can’t.  

I don’t know what you would call it but I’m not suicidal, but I don’t care about living.  I wouldn’t intentionally do anything, but only have fear that something might happen to make things worse instead of ending it.  Trapped in your body and dependent.  I have paperwork done to avoid that, but if it happened before found it’s almost impossible to get undone.  I know, these thoughts are way out there.  I’m not supposed to 'give them power' according to my counselors.  Haven’t figured out how one does that about a situation you may not be able to speak for yourself.  I already feel like I am but a shell of the person I was.  And when I think it can't get worse, it does and I should know better on that one.  

So, another day of indecision.  Call the vet counseling line and hope there is someone there?  Bug a friend?  Call my counselor who just heard all this yesterday?  Sit and stare into space with the always hovering 'why?' ?  Guess I’ll start with cleaning the bird cage.  That’s a no brainer.  Has to be done and with good reason.  Sad it’s the only thing I have today except maybe taking a shower just cause I don’t want to get comfortable not caring about that. Just wish it didn't hurt.  

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13 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

OK,  where does everybody go on the weekends?  Have some of you found ways to take days off I’m not aware of?  😎

today was typical, yet magnified because of Ally.  No news there.  Dee and Kay, I don’t know how you handled this at all.  The regret I feel, which I am told not to, is I did this too soon.  Even tho it could have become bad as this did involve her legs and kidneys and who knows what else and I was tired of being on high alert and making special meals.  I question if I didn’t want out from under that even tho I KNOW I loved her more than anything I had in my world now.  Ugh, I won’t drone on about it as you’ve all been so wonderful and if I was maybe a few weeks premature, this as inevitable.   

Gwen:  I'm here - no where I want to go - just glad I don't have to go anywhere today.

In response to your comment how I handled what you are dealing with Ally.  Like the loss of our spouse or partner, each story is different.  There are still days, even though it is almost two months ago my Maddie had to leave me, that I don't handle her absence very well.  I have had similar questions on the timing of when I decided to free her.  Maddie's bladder tumor had increased in size so I was very careful to monitor her bathroom habits.  In 2018 when I learned she had bladder cancer I had physically done everything I could to keep her with me for 17 months.  The cancer eventually won.  When she refused to eat and drink even after appetite enticement medication and hydrating her, there was no more I could do.  Painful as it was for me to choose her time, I NEVER wanted her in any pain and I felt she wasn't.  Another fear was I didn't want to take a chance that I might wait too long to choose her time.   You did all you could for Ally; finding a mobile vet; cooking special meals, medications, etc.,  and with your health issues being in control.  I hope you can find some peace about your decision. 

Your statement:  "It’s being human and the ability to foresee down the road that becomes a handicap at times."  Gwen, when you learn how to foresee down the road, please teach me.  I could use that gift for sure.  Hugs to you and Melody.  Dee

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