My Sanity Needed Vents

[Kieron]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 I know, these thoughts are way out there.  I’m not supposed to 'give them power' according to my counselors.  

Well... I  don't know that they're way out there but they are understandable.  And counselors are "supposed to" say that kind of thing.  🙃  Sometimes they say things like that out of desperation for something supportive to say without validating or seeming to encourage self-destructive behavior (which I know you're not hinting at) but because there's this feeling that they're supposed to have answers to make thing better and when there's nothing TO say, they still have to say *something*.  Does that make sense?

Today has been miserably humid and one of those times when I give thanks for AC and just try to take a nap during the worst of it.  Kitty doesn't like it either, wearing her little fur coat as she does.  😸

And it's been miserable in other ways, just tussling with self-doubt and trying to figure out what to do with my life, with this place.  Sometimes people nowadays talk about "timelines" or parallel universes, as though one's life is like a dimension that you wander into somehow, and it can sometimes go wrong or feel like it's not the right timeline for you.  Think of that show Sliders from 1995-2000.  Or maybe a Doctor Who episode.

I often feel like I wandered onto a bad timeline and am trying to figure out how to get to a better one. 

[Margm]

Weekend?  I thought every day was Sunday.  My computer tells me the date by number of the month.  I have a new phone to learn.  I thought all flip phones were Mickey Mouse phones.  This one does "things."  All I want to do is talk, not even text.  Cost more a month and I let them know how irritated I was.  Came down on monthly notes.  My problem.  I called my aunt to tell her I love her.  She is still beautiful but has worn that beauty so long she will not let anyone come see her, and of course now no one should.  She has round the clock care.  Her son lives next door.  She lost a beautiful daughter many years ago, died in her 16-year-old son's arms.  My aunt lost her sister, my other aunt, who lived next door, and she is willing herself to die.  All I can do is tell her I love her.  She has a form of my family's neurological conditions (my physical shaking is not Parkinson's disease) and neither is hers, nor was my other aunt's or my dad's.  But my granddad's was.  At least I didn't pass that on to my kids or grandkids.  The bipolar, I think came from my dad.  Billy was so calm and laid back, I knew he would be the last to leave.  The old saying "only the good die young" I believe was meant for me and my mom.  Well, I am no help at all, am I.  

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, Kieron said:

I often feel like I wandered onto a bad timeline and am trying to figure out how to get to a better one. 

Oh, I am soooooo with you on that.  I liked the one I was on before I landed in this one.  This one is too messed up and upsetting for my taste.  Leaves little if anything to look forward to.  Stole the spring from my step and changed me into someone I don’t even now anymore.  I need one if those tickets.

[Gwenivere]

21 hours ago, widow'15 said:

There are still days, even though it is almost two months ago my Maddie had to leave me, that I don't handle her absence very well.  I have had similar questions on the timing of when I decided to free her. 

Your statement:  "It’s being human and the ability to foresee down the road that becomes a handicap at times."  Gwen, when you learn how to foresee down the road, please teach me.  I could use that gift for sure.  Hugs to you and Melody.  Dee

You don’t know how much that helps me to hear, Dee.  I’m so in the midst of rethinking my choice.  There’s an energy missing even tho she was more withdrawn than I ever knew her to be.  The places she laid seem so huge now.  I want to cup that beautiful face in my hands and look in her eyes.  It’s (hopefully) tricks of the vulnerable mind.  I don’t want to feel I made a mistake with a life entrusted to me.

Forseeing down the road is something we all possess.  I meant it in a negative way as when I look ahead now I just see more sad and lonely times.  I live them in the now.  It’s the past the I see good times.  Purpose, excitement, anticipation and even in the hard times, someone to shoulder them with.  I don’t want to see the future because, at my age, it’s not going to get better.  Now, if that vision could show me some comfort, I’ll definitely pass it along to everyone I know!  The closest I’ve come is sleeping.  In that I am free and so is every person and being I know or have known.

[KarenK]

Gwen, it's a bit of a comparison to what I felt for a very long time after having Ron's life support removed. I just knew I had killed him unnecessarily, when in reality I hadn't. His organs were no longer functioning and short of a miracle, they never would. I don't believe in miracles. Chances are Ally would only have gotten worse. Through love, you saved her from what might have been a painful, disastrous end. Our German Shepherd, Duke had cancer. We were trying medicine, but he died in my son's arms with a heart attack. It wasn't pretty.

Just some gibberish now.......Boredom has its advantages. It gives me time to do nonsense things like search the internet for long ago school chums. I've always wondered what happened to my best friend from grade school. We were sort of "Mutt and Jeff". Last I knew she was in college. I was a new mom and our interests suddenly differed. So "poof", she was gone. I figured she had surely married, so I searched for her younger brother(unusual last name)and ran across her mother's obituary. It listed her married name in the survivors. She was always very intelligent and has done quite well. She's married to an engineer who owns his own company and designs microprocessors. He's so well known, he has his own Wikipedia page. They sponsor a foundation at ASU and live in a very elite area here. I thought about trying to get in touch with her, but heck, I'm just an old snaggle toothed peon next to her. Maybe I'll just leave well enough alone.

Do you ever wonder about your old school friends?

[scba]

I do and I don't at the same time. I've googled some people from the past but never contacted them. 

Whoever searches on Facebook would only see sunset pictures. That's the only thing I have posted in the last 6 years.

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light". 

 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The regret I feel, which I am told not to, is I did this too soon.

I hope you will read this article...what you are experiencing is common, even normal, in grief.  We all go through the what-ifs in an effort to look for a different possible outcome.  The fact remains, we want them here with us, we don't want them gone.  I went through that with Arlie, but not with Kitty because there was no grey area in her death, her kidneys and liver were shut down.  Arlie was suffering horribly with cancer, his liver shut down, yet STILL I remember thinking (after having him put to sleep) "I could have him with me right now if I'd waited another day, another week..."  But as you said earlier, she wasn't living, she was existing, what kind of life is that?  Life had become a struggle for her, and you, as a responsible caring mom, didn't want her to suffer...you instead spared her that pain and began living it yourself.  Who of us wouldn't do that?

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

It is the hardest thing in the world to adjust to their being gone from us.  I believe we'll be with them again, that gives me some degree of comfort.  I believe they are out of their suffering and will have a new body, younger.  I also believe love does not die with the physical body.  That they are energy and it doesn't die, it just changes form.  So much we don't know about what is to come, but I trust that it will be better than what we've been through here.  Faith is when you don't see something but believe in it all the same even if you can't understand or explain it.  Marg says she has mustard seed grain of faith...that is all we need really, just that tiny place to start.  I just want you to know that what you are feeling and going through is very normal in grief.  

I agree with Dee wholeheartedly, and join her in saying that you did all you could for Ally...I know you love her.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I look in my soul of what I’d gain except easier walking as far as fulfillment in this life and see nothing.  You have to see possible reason to fight to do it.

You are in my heartfelt prayers, dear Gwen, and I trust you will make the decision you deem best for you, in your time.  I know you to be a capable person, well thinking, you have survived everything thus far, and I know the hardest part is the spirit, will, whatever you call it, and it seems that is the hardest to figure out how to deal with, I know when mine changed was 15 years ago.  It seems this year I have recovered some of it although I can't say how or why, perhaps Kodie had a lot to do with it, I'm sure he did, living life totally alone seems unthinkable to me.  
And this pandemic, it's a bloody nightmare.  The news abhorrent.  The world seems to have changed into something unrecognizable.  I keep going for Kodie because he deserves a full life.  That means I have to take care of myself and I'm doing my best so I can be here for him as he deserves.  Perhaps that is why my son looked so long and hard for just the right one for me.  When I wake up in the middle of the night, I pray for you.  

[Margm]

8 hours ago, KarenK said:

Do you ever wonder about your old school friends?

Karen, we have so many class reunions and most all stay in touch through FB.  Twelve years and we had 106 in our graduating class. We have lost a few too.  I always go into the blue funk when another one goes.  Two of my besties went in the spring of this year.  I like being on FB with them rather than in person.  One of my friends mentioned we had not actually seen each other in over 50 years, yet she lives about 30 miles straight north on the highway that turns into my neighborhood.  I told her, "no, I just saw you last night" and the way things are now, I am silly (of course, I know I am) but I like remembering the person I knew in person, and I like to think they look the same way they did the last time I saw them. (Although we all have recent pictures we share) In fact, when I do see my friends I wonder how in the world they got so old.  I guess I have a  Peter Pan complex.  At my age though, I'll just do what I want to do, how I want to do it.  No one dare scold me.  I have found a way to vacantly lock myself out of the conversation.  It helps. Sometimes I remember a young boy who had been a boyfriend for awhile and was killed going asleep at the wheel about midnight.  A kid that worked two jobs and lost sleep.  He would be 77 now, but instead he will forever be 17.  We have all had those lost friends. 

Some times I don't remember if I wrote on here or to my friends.  I did call my aunt yesterday (or was it the day before?) does not matter the time.  I got to tell her I love her.  She is on hospice now, so perhaps she will finally will herself to leave.  And me, well I am here until I go.  That's all.  

Today is my two girls birthday.  Kelli was born in 1967 and Brianna in 1999.  Kelli was the nurse of Brianna's bio-mom, so she was actually there when she was born.  Two lights in mine and Billy's life, and there are more.  Scott is fixing to go back to work at the end of the month and Kelli has quit running temperature.  This has been a birthday they could not celebrate together and I sure hate that.  This Covid has made for one crazy world.  Could not find paper towels at Walmart again.  I cannot figure out the concept between lack of toilet paper and paper towels in the time of Covid.  Life is a riddle, sometimes funny, sometimes just cruel.  

[widow'15]

9 hours ago, KarenK said:

Do you ever wonder about your old school friends?

Karen:  Like Marg, through the years, I have attended a couple of my class reunions and had a chance to meet up with some of my classmates, the ones I remember.  I have only two "besties" remaining alive that I keep in close contact.  But, living so far away from where I graduated, the last reunion, my 60th, I didn't feel comfortable traveling alone.  I  am on an email group that advises when a classmate passes.  Each time I have to dig out my annual and try to remember if I had a class with each one, there were over 300 graduates in my class.  I do admit there have been times I have searched Facebook for some.  Your search abilities outshine mine. LOL.  Dee

[Margm]

I am back in the same parish (county) I was born in, graduated in, was married in, children born in, children graduated in parish we lived in that was all within a 50 mile radius to the place I grew up in.  That is why we are able to keep in touch, even one good friend that lives in Wisconsin (we were friends in high school), we have kept in touch.  We all went to school together in a little papermill town, most that have/had lived there all their life through the school years were kin in some way or other.  I moved away for 20 years about 175 miles away, but when Billy left it was no longer home, so I had to get back to where the roots were, even if they were all in the ground.  I wanted to be a gypsy, a nomad and RV the west and I got to do this for one full year, but only with Billy.  Some moved away. I still remember the kids.  I guess at a certain age, you have memories.

[KarenK]

I'm sure if I joined Facebook, I would find a lot of old friends. I have just never bothered. I was always afraid I would blab out something that was better left unsaid like I do on here sometimes. In younger days, I was a bit of a social butterfly. I have become the caterpillar again.

[Margm]

I tell old stories, like I do on here sometimes.  I have all the old family pictures and my grandmother's "book" and sometimes people like to read stories.  Old stories.  I try to stay away from some things.  We just mostly visit and find out who is sick, or worse.  

[Gwenivere]

I talked to 2 dog parents tiday about the guilt and regret I’ve walked into.  Read some articles Marty posted.  Seems I am 'normal' in this.  Gawd, each grief gets so unnerving hearing that word, tho it is validating.  I don’t want this normal. I want to rewind the clock and change it all.  Ally got me thru so much about losing Steve.  The familiar bond she maintained.  Now that is gone.  I have Melody and am trying to start the deeper relationship we should have always had.  But she carved her own way in this new arrangement.  I would love for her to sleep with me, but she hasn’t in all her time here because Ally did and she was the alpha. I can coax her into bed but she goes back to her bed. I don’t really have a history with her like our other dogs.  And I’m also scared something will happen to her and I’ll really be alone.   Worried I’ll hold back for fear of more pain.  Everything is so convoluted in my head.  This has rekindled my anger at Steve.  How I took care of him and had to do this alone.  At least he was there for our other dog.  Why was I the only one holding her and having to shoulder that pain?  Wasn’t it enough to watch him slip away from me in an indescribable ugly way?  Why did I get spinal stenosis so I can barely walk?  What did I ever do but give and give and wind up barely being able to get around and take care of everything?    I sobbed like I haven’t that I can remember Saturday night going to sleep.  It didn’t help like it used to.  Maybe I am just losing mind finally.  I’ve felt that for a long time.  I just don’t  connect with this world anymore.  I can do the tasks insurance or paying services require.  I can’t manage me anymore.  Wandering in a fog again Steve brought when he abandoned me.  I know that wasn’t his intent, but that is how it feels.  

Id edit the above down as so much is repetitive.  I haven’t the energy.  This is what I know has happened that I now have to face alone.....

As much Ias I see the changes in my little world that had so many memories, I got thru them because I could come home and Ally said to me by her presence.....at least we have each other.

[kayc]

Gwen, I'm glad you're read the articles, I've saved many of them and found them helpful.  Our relationship with our animals...no two are the same.  They do seem to carve out their own way with us.  Arlie was too big to sleep with me and liked his privacy at night anyway but he was usually in the same room with me.  Kodie is kennel trained as I need a break, too old for a puppy 24/7 with no help!  Even so, I don't get much of a break because I go to bed shortly after he does.

I'm supposed to go in for a nerve study Wednesday morning.  Makes me nervous, what can of worms is opening and what it will all cost and entail.  I do believe it was from a time I walked Joe and he suddenly yanked to the right 90 degrees without warning, it makes sense, where the injury is and how it affects me.  It is what it is.  If I can't afford it, I will have to live with it, it's as simple as that, but I'll get it going and see what they say.

[Gwenivere]

I hope you will get some answers about your hand.  I can’t even fathom havingto deal with a pup again.  I’d love to, but age denies that.  I’m just sitting here in a haze about what to do with his day.  I can't reach my cousin as I need some info from her, it’s into the 90’s and miserable.  I can go pick up an RX that could wait.  I’m still unable to walk and now have less motivation to come home.  Same routines, huge void in them.  I had a dream this morning seeing Steve and I so wanted it to be real.  He was smiling and I knew it was time to start our day.  Waking up ruined that.  I’m getting out of the house late every day as there is so little to do.  This fuels my once agraphobe nature that had had become manageable over 20;years ago.  I’m trying to make a decision about putting a walker in the car.  That will be giving  in to more loss.  It’s over 90 here right now and adding to my frayed nerves.   Scratching the bottom of the barrel I could buy some  3 way bulbs.  Need ones with a smaller base for a floor lamp.  That means long walks at hardware stores.  Heck, I’m desperate.

[Gwenivere]

What a miserable day.  Too hot (95), about killed me walking in Lowe’s for bulbs which, of course, were in the back of the store.  Another walk at the pharmacy because I get angry about no exercise using the drive up.  Got 2 condolence cards for Ally.  Talked to my cousin as I am adding her in my will and needed info.  We used disguised language to say neither of us was going to end up in a nursing or assisted living and there was only one way to avoid that.  Have an appointment to talk to the vet grief therapist next Monday.  Tuesday It’ll be a week she is gone and I’ve felt every hour of it.  Got the old 'grief brain' going again so I’m wandering in a fog.  Oops, already said that above.  I hate this newbie grief!  I hate there’s no escape.  That I have to do it all over again.  I’d advise myself if I thought it would doo any good.  

[kayc]

I just posted about my hand in the hell thread, forgot I already had here, oh well, guess I'm entitled to repeat myself, I'm getting old! 

I'm glad you got some condolence cards, Gwen, I still have Arlie's displayed on my dining room table.  Maybe I'll leave them up forever, maybe not, for now they're staying.  They meant a lot to me, a couple of them were so perfect.

Gwen, I don't even have grief brain to blame my memory on right now...or maybe I do.  I personally don't feel my brain ever returned fully to normal after George died.  Not pre-death normal anyway.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen, I don't even have grief brain to blame my memory on right now...or maybe I do.  I personally don't feel my brain ever returned fully to normal after George died.  Not pre-death normal anyway.

You make an excellent point.  I was just reading an article from the vet regarding grief and that life will never go back to normal.  Heck, I know this.  How could it when an essential component is gone?  I do feel it is that grief that changes our brain tho.  

I’m reexperiencing that now about Ally.  All the things I didn’t notice that were day to day normal that are gone now.  How I have to adjust so many things around her absence, just like Steve’s.  This is also different as I did not choose Steve’s time to leave, I did hers.  I’m consumed with doubts and guilt because he wasn't witness to what was happening.   I never had these doubts with other dogs.  He never wavered.  He knew when it was time.   I don’t know if he would have done this yet with Ally.  All I know is something prompted me the day before to make the vet call.  My 'doubt' mind is blurring all the reasons.  Maybe they weren’t as bad as I thought.  So do I trust myself for making that call?  This was my baby.  Why would I do such a thing unless there was good reason?  Why can’t I recall it all clearly?  The vet therapist I am going to talk to and my buddy that was here said this was normal.  I guess it’s my screaming I want her back.  Just as it has done about Steve.

This carries over to much less significant decisions I’ve made over the years he’s been gone.  While I might feel let down about myself, it didn’t chip away at my core being.  These were decisions about things that you shrug about and go, oh well.  It wasn’t my area of expertise or I never thought of 'that' aspect as he would he have. They were just tangible things that had no emotional ties.  You know you did the best you could given the knowledge or advice you had.  But the decisions that affect your family, that’s something that has become the challenge.  I now have to make decisions about what’s left of mine and that is Melody and me.  Those surgeries, treatments, rehab, possible loss of independence.  This is heavy duty stuff when you have no one with you that truly loves you in that way.  I don’t know how much I’ve read here of us losing will and fight not having that.  Purpose, reason, incentive.  Do I now make decisions because I don’t want to end up in a facility unlike I want to keep living with my soulmate?  Sure looks that way.  So much I would have to endure to avoid that and then still be alone.  Was reading a suggestion in an article to find one ting a day to be happy or grateful (having a house, food, med care, etc doesn’t count) for.  Look inside yourself for it.  I have found nothing with the physical betrayal added.  Without that I could do more and whine like the normies.  Which circles back to doing the extremes, the perfect Catch 22.  I just looked up the definition and it’s right on.  A situation that all outcomes are undesirable as they are in direct conflict with each other.  I’m living like those in a facility except without the human contact.  Just waiting for my time to run out.  How I wish Steve would appear, extend his hand and say...come be with me.  I grab it so fast and wouldn’t even ask where.  

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The vet therapist I am going to talk to and my buddy that was here said this was normal.

It is.  I even went through it with Arlie suffering from cancer and his liver shut down.  I argued with myself afterwards that maybe he could have lived longer...seriously?  I did what was in Arlie's best interest, not necessarily mine...just as you did with Ally.  How I wish we could give ourselves some credit...I know they would if they could talk to us.  They know we love them, wanted only what was best for them.

[Gwenivere]

I talked with my therapist today and he said this would take weeks to months to process.  This sounds horrible, but I think you’ll understand what I mean.....if she was in obvious pain and suffering I’d feel so sure about my decision.  I know it was just a 'good' day and had the vet and Tommy not been there, she wouldn’t have been so happy.  She so loved being with people.  That’s why she was an awesome volunteer.  I always thought people would gravitate more to our golden as she was gorgeous.  But Ally was soooooo great at making people feel so special. And beautiful too, but a mutt.  So many people jokingly would ask if they could take her home.  I’ll nevr forge how both she and Belle would crawl all me if I cried or used a swear word about something.  They wanted to fix it.  I wish we all could have 'talked' to them when they were sick.   Arlie, Maddie, Ally.  What amazing partners they were to us.  There to comfort us thru our hardest loss....their dads.😢

[kayc]

I can imagine months to process, the worst being the earlier time but I just don't see an end in sight to this pain I feel over the death of Arlie.  The pain of missing him.  It still bothers me that he went out in excruciating pain when I wanted to bring him peace!  I cannot forget/forgive that, it should not have happened, not to any dog, not to their person.

Arlie was put to sleep in the morning but it seemed it started out well...he ate his breakfast, he went on his walk with me.  It was like all of the dogs on the street were standing at attention to him!  Like they were saying their farewells and took note of him.  It's weird, how do animals know?  He was happy "going for a ride," although I had to help him into Paul's rig.  He had really gone downhill.  There is no doubt in my mind I did the right thing by him, yet even so, in the early days I questioned myself all of the what-ifs.  That is normal.  Could he have lived another day?  Yes.  Yet I believe the time was right to lay him to rest, BEFORE he couldn't keep food down, BEFORE he couldn't walk, BEFORE his suffering became even worse or even more organs shut down.  A friend of mine's chow was 15 and suffered to death, because her husband couldn't bear to put her down, by then she could not walk to even do her business.  That, to me, was cruel.  She wasn't on hospice/treatment for her pain either.

[Gwenivere]

I definitely see your point.  But Ally wasn’t in excruciating pain.  I know what you, Dee and I did were for the right reasons.  I’m just beating myself up that I could have had more time with her as she did still wag her tail, get happy about visitors and enjoy her front yard.  It’s things accumulating weighed against changes I was making to accommodate her changes.   I don’t have that absolute feeling it was time defined by pain.  I know she didn’t eat and I was tired, stressed and scared when I made the call.  All I can clearly remember is the vet and my buddy agreeing it was a better thing to do on a good day, tho so much harder.  It goes against that hope with keep lit inside.  Who willingly wants to blow out that flame?   As you said, the first weeks are the 'what if's'.  That is where I am now.

I’m sorry, I keep bemoaning this here again and again.  Everyone was so wonderful.  My burden is forgiving myself.  

[MartyT]

 

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m sorry, I keep bemoaning this here again and again.

Please don't feel as if you must apologize for sharing your feelings here, Gwen, openly and honestly. You feel what you feel, and that's okay. Most of us have been where you are now with your Ally, and we know how painful and impossibly difficult this is. ♥️

[Margm]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 My burden is forgiving myself.

I think we all share that burden with you for one reason or the other.  I have had my fur babies since I was old enough to have them.  I was only six or younger when I saw death for the first time.  I don't remember if  it was "Ring" my Cocker Spaniel or if it was "Wolf" my Scottish Terrier that went first.  I saw first hand them being hit by a car and it, of course, killed them.  We lived on a dirt road, out in the country, no fence, it was the 1940's.  Mama would not let me keep them in the house.  I saw the neighborhood dogs jump on my dying pups.  I could not understand, but I will be 78 in a few days, and I still cannot "unsee" it.  Midget, my little fice-terrier mix got excited at by birthday party and bit me on the face.  Mama (you remember my mom, the good ole farm, country girl) took him by his back legs and knocked him up against the house.  I would imagine this was tattooed on the minds of all the 7 and younger kids that were at the party.  Years later when she was angry and said "I'll knock you up against the house," well, I kind of believed her.  (Mama really was not that mean, she just felt animals were animals), and I just loved them.  I kept Midget for probably 15 years.  He was a tough little fellow.  At Halloween, when the goblins came to the door, he guarded the door, all the while having the pee scared out of him.  But, he would not leave his guarding post.  Bear was my last dog.  Kelli brought him to the house.  He turned around and looked at us and he looked like a bear cub.  He was the Chow.  And no, I don't think a Chow should be kept in this hot humid climate.  We tried to keep him inside while we worked.  He broke the window and screen.  He was not our dog, we were his people and he was a guard dog, not one for a pet.  When he wanted to be loved, he would come throw his big self against our legs.  We would love on him and he would say, "okay, that's enough" and he would walk away.  For ages after he "left" I could hear his panting guarding us when we were walking.  There was a field of horses, and he did not like them getting too close to us.  He would not let the deputy out of the car either.  I loved that dog, but he spent most of his time walking out into the lake where he could keep cool.  

I am selfish.  I know how much love a fur baby could give and kind of like another husband, it won't happen.  But, oh how I understand your grief and the love has to be worth the grief.  We have to forgive ourselves, because we did love.  And, some forgiveness will come with time.  I know.  My heart is with you my friend.  And that is what we are still here for, because we not only see the grief, which is hard, but we also see so much love.  

[Gwenivere]

Thank you for that last paragraph, Marg.  That means a lot.  As far as  being a dog around your mom.......yikes!  😮

thank you.too, Marty.  Everyone. ❤️