My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

she did still wag her tail

So did Arlie, albeit much more wimpy.  My son laid down on the floor with him the night before we put him to sleep, and bawled.  He was hit with how much he'd gone downhill...a little harder for us to realize just how much when we're with them every day.

I ditto what Marty wrote and Marg' last paragraph also!

Marg, my mom was heavy-handed with Huck, my runt of a lab...I remember her beating on him many a time when he "got out" and got into tarweed.  It stunk and she didn't give him a bath, she hosed him off.  She shouldn't have been a parent OR a dog-owner.

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

My son laid on the floor with him the night before we put him to sleep, and bawled.  He was hit with how much he'd gone downhill...a little harder for us to realize just how much when we're with them every day.

kayc and Gwen:  I was fortunate to have my daughter drive 6 hours to be here with me as I had been the only one who was here watching Maddie's quality of life change so quickly.  I needed another set of eyes to assist with my decision as difficult as it was for both of us.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I am glad we all had someone with us.  What I have been finding in this last week is I didn’t realize how much I talked to Ally.  About what what to have for dinner to what to watch on TV.  Now that Melody has my total attention I see her trying to and learning my patterns even more as she doesn’t have Al to cue off of.  I really miss when I would be petting Mel and say, let’s go find Ally and she’d be off like a rocket.  I haven’t made it thru a day without tears.  I am having more memories of Steve and both kids at the time.  I always wake up to the reality I can’t talk to him, but now I can’t talk to her, nor does she come nudge my hand thinking I will fall back asleep and breakfast trumps everything after a long sleep.  I miss her bark at the passers by.  Too many things to list.  I’ve really gone back into grief brain mode.  Detached, uninterested, heart breaking at dog ritual times.  Oddly, I do feel her here but I never did Steve.  With a stretch it’s like the movie Ladyhawk.  She’s here but we can’t be together, just pass now and then.  Unfortunately this isn’t a spell than can be broken. 

Boy, is that quote I read somewhere etched on me this time doing this basically alone......a dogs only flaw is they leave us too soon.  I’m adding that to Steve’s much longer list of flaws.  

I can never express my love for her as she is what got me thru so much of losing Steve.  She missed her dad and it took her a long time to stop waiting for him at night.  I didn’t dare say the word 'dad' around her.  She couldn’t fix it, but she was there to say...we still have each other.  Everyone I’ve talked to had one dog that haunted them with huge grief.  She is mine.

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, although Mel can't replace Ally as a reminder of your life with Steve, I think she is trying to be your strength now by her actions. I'm so glad she is with you.

[Gwenivere]

Only thing keping sane, Karen, only thing!  I do think she is trying to forge a bigger bond between us.  Now if I could only get her to sleep with me.  Thanks, Karen.  🦋

[Kieron]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 She’s here but we can’t be together, just pass now and then.  Unfortunately this isn’t a spell than can be broken. 

That's an excellent movie, one of the few I watch every so often.   "Eternally together, eternally apart."  The male lead, Rutger Hauer, died within the last 9 months, as I recall.  Michelle Pfeiffer is still around, looking gorgeous as always.

[kayc]

I miss everything about Arlie, the way he stood on the gate, riding it and slamming it shut so he could get his treat!  His beautiful smile spreading across his face as he closed his eyes, resting on the couch, his big body heaving.  His goofiness and fun, how we'd chase each other around the house!  He was so fun to tease and he'd tease me as well.  Biggest sense of humor I've ever seen a dog have!  I talk to him all the time.  When he starts answering me back, they'll probably haul me off!

Yesterday I caught myself calling or referring to Kodie as Arlie several times, it must confuse him.

[Gwenivere]

I’ve called Mel Al so many times.  I’m so used to talking to them both.  

I picked up Ally’s ashes today.  All nice and neat in a box filled with them, some seeds to plant for her, a clay paw print and a tip pamphlet. All very beautiful except for one thing.  It’s not the her I can hold.  It was her last ride in the car and in a box in a box.  I wasn’t going to open it but she is home so I had to get rid of as much containment as possible.  I wrote my buddy who was here when she left saying maybe in a couple weeks we can put her with Steve and Belle.  

It was not on my to do list today, but she needed to come home.  I thought they were going to send them to the house, but this was better, tho it hurt like hell.  At least I was 'warned' rather than coming home wondering what the box was not recognizing the services company name.  I’m a bit disappointed in the paw print as the last place made a heart for Belle’s and put her name on it.  This just has a sticker on the back with that.  A blob of orange clay.  But it’s by her sisters on the mantle.  

I can tell I am numb.  I dropped them off and went and bought needed printer ink and barely remember it.  I got another sympathy card from her vet that he and some of the techs signed.  They will go in her bowl with her collar.  4 bowls in the studio for the kids we had in our marriage.  I’m not counting a malamute that was so aggressive we had to return him to the breeder.  That was heartache enough as the breeder accused US of doing something to him.  All we did was try raising him like a loved dog.  Now all my kids are in my mind.  How Steve so loved them all.  The laughs that echo thru here from their antics.  

Time for a Xanax and a nap.

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, my heart bleeds for you!  I had a day from hell yesterday but it pales in comparison.  

When I had Arlie and Kitty put to sleep, they didn't do any clay paw print or ink print or any such thing.  I wish they had.  I tried getting Arlie's paw print when he was alive, it was a fun last memory, him running through the house (to escape me), black ink pouring out from him in his wake!  What a mess to clean up!  Took me an hour.  Then when the lady and her kids went home, I stupidly thought, maybe I can get it now, it's quiet, haha!!  Nope, went through it again!  So it is a "Paw print in motion!" and I have it up in my kitchen where I can see it every day, with a smile at the memory.  My son and I tried getting one after he died, it went easier, of course, but I prefer the one in motion!  I REALLY wish I had his whole foot in clay as his foot was the same size as MY foot!  I love my big boy and miss him so much.  I didn't even think to get one of Kitty, all I have of her are a few pictures and a lot of memories.

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m not counting a malamute that was so aggressive we had to return him to the breeder.  That was heartache enough as the breeder accused US of doing something to him.  All we did was try raising him like a loved dog.

That is so hard.  It's much like my having to stop walking Joe.  I had fallen in love with him and it breaks my heart.  I gave my all.  Yesterday I went and visited him for the first time.  They aren't taking care of him, no brushing, mats, excess fur falling off him everywhere, ears infected, no visit to the vet, my heart breaks for him.  He was so happy to see me!  He was very loving towards me.  It felt awkward with his mom, she's changed towards me.  The kids were great, so were the dogs.  When I left, Joe followed me to the gate to say goodbye to me.  My sweet boy.  My heart is broken for him.  

Having to give up a dog is so so hard!  This was a dog I considered adopting, before Kodie, before Kitty died, before everything that happened.  He got along great with Kitty.  She wasn't very accepting of most dogs, but she was him.  Maybe it's good my hands hurt so bad, so I won't be tempted to walk him again.  
I found Marty's article here, very helpful. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/02/pet-loss-pain-of-relinquishment.html

[Gwenivere]

Wasn’t it Joe that bit you?   Or is my mind flaking out as usual?  Is that possibly why his mom is acting different towards you?l. So sad he isn’t getting proper attention. If he did hurt you, did she help pay for the medical?  

[Gwenivere]

Another date night but worse with Ally gone.  I talked to a friend from here who so compassionately listened despite her own pain.  After all this time I’ve never really adapted to missing our special night.  But belle and Ally are supposed to be waiting in the car and we’d have a doggie box for them.  A tortilla chip each for payment for making them wait.  It was a community center meal for me.  Dinner in a styrofoam box.  A far cry from sitting across from each other sharing each others choices and laughing.  

I did a small load of laundry and noticed clothes putting it away that I used to wear for special nights.  Long flowing nightgowns, skimpy bodysuits, slinky camisoles, fancy underwear.  I found a skirt Steve told me to buy that went to the floor flowing like silk that I never got the chance to wear.  the tag is still on it.   It was the first time I have really remembered the old me.  When I wore my hair down and it was Now it’s always pinned up and a lonely woman staring back from the mirror.  Getting out my dental floss is a drawer of makeup that used to matter and was carefully chosen for effect.  I miss getting dressed up.  Having someone that thought I was beautiful.  To feeling that way even if I didn’t see what he did.  For him I was.  

Now I fade more and more into the invisible population.  No one notices me much.  If I didn’t get robocalls and docs wanting tests or mail I find mistakes in, the phone would be cold. 

I didn’t know how I would  feel normally having 2 furry kids. Decided just to leave myself open to the universe.  As it happened, I met a woman today active in several rescue programs for dogs from 'kill' states.  I’m not ready by any means, But it was kinda amazing as I couldn’t figure out how I would be offered a chance to give a needy dog a home.  Especially an older one that is just a mutt.  Not buying a bred dog.  Anyway, it just fell into my lap.  Ally will let me know.  But we need lots of time together in memories and her helping me accept she had to leave.  

Late night ramblings.  See what Steve had to put up with?  Oh yeah, I was happy back then.  I don’t think he would recognize me now.. 

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Wasn’t it Joe that bit you?   Or is my mind flaking out as usual?  Is that possibly why his mom is acting different towards you?l. So sad he isn’t getting proper attention. If he did hurt you, did she help pay for the medical?  

Yes this is the same dog, Joe.  Of course it has everything to do with how his mom has changed towards me, it hurts too.  I was good friends with their family!  She paid $5 for the Rx antibiotic I got when he bit me but of course hasn't offered anything for his tearing my (other hand) nerves.  They do not even have medical insurance themselves, about to have their third child, young (still in their 20s) family.

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It was the first time I have really remembered the old me.  When I wore my hair down and it was Now it’s always pinned up and a lonely woman staring back from the mirror.

It's been so long since I've had anyone looking at me appreciatively, you know, "that look."  15 years to be exact.  Yes that old me seems gone for good.  I LOOK better (dressed) now that I've lost the weight, but I no longer feel like the old me, you know what I mean?

This was a very rough week for me, very stressful.  I may be resigning my Treasurer position, at the very least I won't be letting my name come up for re-election.  I'm feeling a need to retreat and focus on spiritual renewal...

Kodie is a lifesaver, so intuitive, so sweet, very in tuned to me.

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Anyway, it just fell into my lap.  Ally will let me know.

I'll be praying for you to "know" too!  

I got this horrid rant (below) from a neighbor on FB because I'd mentioned something about Arlie in heaven...made me want to block her, but I didn't.  It's just one of those weeks.  If anyone can be negative, contrary, or attacking, they are to me this week.  Bless George's heart for listening to me last night!  Slept all of two hours, couldn't shut my brain off, not even with a sleeping pill. (I don't expect you to read it, just showing what a long rant it was she apologized for it and then went on to even give more!)  Just what I needed to come home to after a hard day working.  When someone is grieving a dog, why can't they just show some compassion and listen/care?  We don't need a long sermon in our grief!  She reminded me of my mom, who was always inappropriate, only saw things from her own persepective/beliefs.

Well, the bible tells us the God provided his Son as a ransom sacrifice for humans, not animals. And when the bible speaks of the animals no longer being a danger to us or each other, it is because the EARTH will once again be a paradise,where we will live, not in heaven. Mankind was created to live forever, in perfection and on a perfect earth...not having a soul that lives on when we die, but that we ARE souls. When we die now, we are not aware of anything at all according to Eccl.9:10. We "live" in God's memory when we die, and He will resurrect us back to life HERE ON EARTH...to a paradise. Meanwhile, in the grave, wherever that might be, we know nothing at all. We are as if asleep, awaiting that time. What a comfort....no "hell fire", no torture, no capability to harm or help anyone, no "ghost" or living past death. That give me comfort and no fear or thinking I might become an "angel" after I die. Heaven has nothing to offer me....I want to live right here on earth, enjoying the animals, perfect conditions with no more hate, evil or pain. That is God's promise and God CANNOT LIE.I apologize for getting on a bit of a rant awhile ago....the main point I wanted to make is that Jesus died for mankind, for redemption of humans, not animals. That may sound a bit cruel to us as animal lovers, but it is a statement of fact. God's ways often seem to us as not making sense in OUR way of thinking, as we are imperfect humans and view things in a fleshly, human way. However, if you think about the reason for Jesus dying for US, he did not include animals in that redemption. God has always had plans for this earth, and He loves all of his creation, especially humankind. That is why He provided His only Son as a redemption for OUR sins. Animals do not sin, nor are they covered by the sacrifice Jesus made. When God created the animals for our pleasure, I suspect he meant for them to live forever under mankind's care....as was the original intent before Adam and Eve sinned, thus causing such harm to us all. I suspect that when this earth is once again restored to a paradise, the animals will once again also return to their original purpose and not be killing each other as they do now. Who knows how long they will then live? The bible promises that there will be "no more tears, pain, sorrow or death", so it then seems reasonable that things that now cause us to cry, such as the death of an animal, will no longer happen. So much to ponder, so many blessings in store that it gives me lots of pleasant things to contemplate at the end of the day and helps me fall into a restful sleep at night. I hope you can think on those things promised in the bible and get some peace of mind too. In this old world currently under Satan's control, we live day to day under a lot of stress and pain, but one day, very soon, it will all come to an end and Satan will too. We see such evil increasing now that it proves the prophesies to be coming true, with hope on the horizon.

[KarenK]

Wow, Kay! I think she's living out in "left field" somewhere near the Twilight Zone. I'd steer clear of her IMHO.

[kayc]

Yeah, no kidding!  I put it in small print as I didn't expect anyone to actually READ it all.  On the narrow messaging it looked even way longer! 

I'm just wondering if our whole world is NUTS!  I've had quite a week of it/them.  I slept a whopping two hours last night, unable to shut my brain off, even with my sleeping pill. 

[Kieron]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm just wondering if our whole world is NUTS! 

Yes.   🙄  In some ways, social distancing is serving a good purpose: it keeps us far enough away from the idiots to keep us from slapping them!

As for this pushy person, I would have blocked her just for being so preachy.  If I was on Facebook, that is. 

[Margm]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm just wondering if our whole world is NUTS! 

It is, it is for sure.  Kelli was cleared of her Covid and took off on a singles trip up to the next state, mountains, rivers, she is so prone to pneumonia.  Slept out first night in a tent, second night too..  Have no doubt she will come home, need platelets, the enzymes, has been flirting with a bone marrow transplant.  She went tubing on the river.  It was a photography trip, but with her immune system, being cleared of the Covid the day she left, actually running away from free loading company/family at her house.  I can only sit back and look, along with my  granddaughter having a melt down.  She won't take the antidepressants.  I can only sit back and look and try to let them know they are responsible for taking care of themselves.  It is a fight to take care of my own.  They are young.  Hard for me to speak with a hard heart.  I cannot fix the world.  I think about the plane crash in Alaska and notice three victims had last name.  We suffer loss, one of our own suffering so many losses we wonder if she can recover and then this.  My heart and my prayers are all I have to give, and I would not trust my prayers to help anyone because I'm not sure they are heard and not sure of the fire I can put into them to begin with.  

We know this virus has destroyed small businesses.  The one closest to me that her business had to be shut down, she passed in April, so at least she does not have to worry about it.  The people in front of me getting their medicine, two separate middle aged people, not together, but both lost their insurance and can only get part of their medications.  You know people have to have their medication in some cases just to live.  

At one of our biggest hospitals protesters against something political stopped the miracle giving doctors, nurses, hospital workers from entering to help save the patients because they believe this is all political.  I struggle with my religion and politics I do not struggle with, I simply have a pure hate for that and all the ignorant people that protest, that have no idea what they protest against.  

Yep, the whole world is nuts.

[Margm]

I do not think of any living man (woman) as a saint, and I did listen to Billy Graham and have a couple of his books, especially about Angels.  I do, in my own heart, and this is only my own personal opinion, part of my faith, part of what I read, and hopefully what I believe.  I know he really had no true answers and his life was his own interpretation of faith.  This is not "Bible speak," this is just "man speak."  These are questions and answers he gave.  Billy Graham was "only a man," but I think he was a good man and what he said sometimes gave me solace.  Again, this is just my own personal feelings.  You have your own and can doubt mine, it will not bother me.  

DEAR DR. GRAHAM: You probably get asked this question a lot, but do you think we will be reunited with our pets in Heaven? Our dog died recently after almost 15 years, and I just can't imagine being happy in Heaven unless he is with us. -- Mrs. S.J.

DEAR MRS. S.J.: God will provide us with everything we need to be happy in Heaven -- and if animals are necessary to make us completely happy there, you can be confident He will arrange for them to be with us.

“When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty, I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”  C.S. Lewis

[Gwenivere]

Egads Kay!  I agree with everyone.  I’d want lots of distance from that woman and her ideas/beliefs.  I find (thank you Marg for posting the above) Graham much more palatable and easy to believe.  Yes, if dogs make us happy, why wouldn’t we have them in the afterlife?  Or a giraffe?  Whatever you love!  I, personally, want to believe our pets got back a good 2nd life. Just like I’m hoping I do.  Wish it would quit conflicting with my logical 'lights out' side.  The war rages on there in this whacky brain.

[Margm]

Gwen, my age bothers me (and I cannot imagine really why), but maybe because we lost Billy, I get the feeling (and words) often about what is my granddaughter going to do without me, this was voiced even from my other granddaughter in her 30's, (I think 37).  They voice it all the time to my granddaughter "what are you going to do if something happens to Mamol" (me).  I honestly am a disaster waiting to happen.  If anything breaks I cannot take pain pills.  If anything from my midsection to all my female parts happens, I cannot be fixed.  I go to my medical clinic twice a year to get my four medications refilled.  My diet I have to follow is a disaster waiting to happen, (and I am knocking on wood), I am the only one in the whole family that has not had to have any intensive, or actual medical care since 2014.  But, I am aware of all my frailties.  My life insurance policy is in a place they all know about.  The plans are all made, and to tell the truth, without me they would all have to make radical adjustments.  I carry the phone plan on five people and the auto insurance on three.  None of us are promised tomorrow, but if I live like I'm gonna die today, if that is all I think about, well, I just might. 

15 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

The war rages on there in this whacky brain.

  Mine too.

 

[Gwenivere]

My age only bothers me because of non consensual limits.  My brain has all kinds of things it wants to do, but I stand up and BAM!  I’m old!  My thinking is not as sharp, tho I think (hope) it’s because of being overloaded with though circumstances.  I didn’t do much today beyond pick up a paper and dinner.  Got a shower in and I’ve been waiting to go to bed, tho I know today bringsaday to tackle crap because places are open to call.  Had a Zoom call that was awkward as the woman rained in my parade of something I thought was cool with her telling me she’s opting out of another thing she was willing to help me with and how our scheduled weekly chats are now something that she might want to do other things but she knows 'I depend on her'.  Nothing like feeling like a charity case for someone’s self esteem.  She said she was committed to our talks.  I thought it as friendship.  When I asked she said yes, but why did I have to ask?  And say she doesn’t talk to other friends every week at a scheduled time?  I thought it was mutual, not a burden.  I had to remind her she has cancelled before and I survived.   I get pity points for my losses.  When you feel worse for talking to someone it speaks volumes.

[KarenK]

Gwen, I'm so sorry that once again this woman has been cruel to you. Is she socially uneducated or just unfeeling. Being technologically challenged, I don't know what a Zoom call requires, but I would think a scheduled time would be necessary so that both parties would be available. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I would  value your friendship and certainly not stomp on it.

[kayc]

On 8/2/2020 at 9:06 AM, Kieron said:

As for this pushy person, I would have blocked her just for being so preachy.

Alas she is a neighbor, I sometimes hire her son to plow my snow, I've learned never to cut off neighbors entirely, so instead choose to ignore her messaging, not read them, not respond, at least for now.  Don't know what is the matter with her!  Sometimes zealots can get like that.  Still holding the door open for Lani (Joe's mom) too, I love her dogs and her kids and hopefully she'll get past this.  I've never attacked her or caused her defensiveness, and I can't help that I can't walk Joe anymore, I still love him totally.  I don't consider any of this Joe's fault, he's old, he's in pain, his owners are not getting vet care for him, he doesn't hear and can't see well.  It makes me wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had adopted him and gotten him the veterinary care he needed.  

On 8/2/2020 at 10:06 AM, Marg M said:

She won't take the antidepressants.

My daughter had horrid headaches from the anti-anxiety Rx Paxil the doctor put her on as a teenager, she refused to stay on it, not giving it a chance for her body to adjust to it.  Instead someone offered her marijuana and that relieved her anxiety w/o pain...she couldn't stay on it though as it wasn't legal at the time.  Now it is and she probably can't afford it.  Not good for developing brains!

I have my will written too Marg but need to change it because I'll be danged if I want anything going to my daughter's ex.  I think it should go to my kids and if they die first, either to the other child or to their own offspring.  Back when it was written there were no offspring and they were both happily married.  Things change.

I have a lot of respect for Dr. Graham.  None of us are perfect but he seemed to be above reproach, that's more than most of us can say!

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I had to remind her she has cancelled before and I survived.

I'm glad you reminded her of that!  I don't understand this person!  Her TELLING you this wipes out any good intent she'd thought she'd done!  You sure she's not a sociopath?  Grr!

 

[Gwenivere]

She definitely is not a conventional emotional person.  She’ll under or over react to situations.  My counselor feels she has some form of Asbergers. They tend to be highly intelligent, which she is, and unable to distinguish when or how to convey their opinions.  I must be a magnet as I’ve known 2 others. They don’t know they are hurting you and that is what makes it so awkward having to talk about the relationship more than usual instead of just having it.  I pointed out to her I got her meaning in a first paragraph, I did not need the 2nd one to define it again in detail what she felt I should do.  It was about the dogs and my will and I had to tell her it wasn’t necessary to change it right now as Ally is gone and Melody has a home if needed.  If I get another dog, then yes, I would have to make arrangements, but I haven’t yet or ever.   Saying commitment to our talks instead of friendship is a tell too.  Once she couldn’t concentrate talking to me at a cafe because she thought the dogs were suffering in the car because it was a little warm.  She had to take my keys and see for herself they were fine.  I am not a dummy or cruel as to put them in danger.  We do have good conversations or I’d walk away.  It’s just been especially hard with Ally and this lockdown.  And yes, I am desperate for human contact and we do agree on things like politics and movies.  I have to accept that to be friends means I will have to accept this part of it.  Never was an issue when Steve was here.  The stuff I feel she meddles in would have been discussed with him and solved.  No room for her input.