My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

Talked to the vet therapist today.  She helped reshape some of that inner dialogue we can beat ourselves up with.  Go lab work done and went to a store to see if they had roasted brussel sprouts as I had a hankering.  I sat in the car a longtime watching people come and go that had lives.   Walking so easily.  Again how this is complicating everything.  How free I could be from this tangled mess of specialists and complicated solutions with no guarantees.  

Aside from it being very painful to walk around, and they didn’t have them today, I realized I just don’t belong many places any more.  I was trying to kill time.  I had also dropped some goodies for a resident at the nursing home.  There at least 3 people knew me which was nice.  I had been taking Melody with me in hopes she would get used to the car, but I need to follow her lead and she’s always made it clear she hates it.  She’s trying to adjust enough in her own loss of a full pack she has always known.  It also was back to business with docs and trying to figure out how I’m going to walk in to 2 appointments in the next week considering what I experienced today.  I’m so tired of being handicapped.  

Nothing good on TV tonight.  That means a longgggggggg night of existence.  But, I get to have Fritos with my sandwich.  Gotta appreciate the little things, I guess.

hope you all have a decent evening.

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My counselor feels she has some form of Asbergers.

My Jim is an Aspie, they are indeed different socially.  He is highly intelligent but I can't imagine being married to one, best off as friends.  They tend to not have a filter, they're just "out with it."  Not malicious though.  It made it easier for me once I realized this, I'd kind of laugh off some of the things he said.  But he's very loyal to family and friends.

Am going to let go of my church treasury position at the end of my term, in January.  Will begin training someone next month.  I'm sticking to my guns and going to put my health first, I have to.

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Gotta appreciate the little things, I guess.

Yes!

[widow'15]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Talked to the vet therapist today.  She helped reshape some of that inner dialogue we can beat ourselves up with.  Go lab work done and went to a store to see if they had roasted brussel sprouts as I had a hankering.  I sat in the car a longtime watching people come and go that had lives.   Walking so easily.  Again how this is complicating everything.  How free I could be from this tangled mess of specialists and complicated solutions with no guarantees.  

Gwen:  Good to  see you talked with vet therapist.  Any relief from painful inner dialogue, even momentarily, is a good thing.  Hopeful that the telephone visit made part of your day bearable.

Roasted brussel sprouts sounds yummy.  Can't remember the last time I ate brussel sprouts.  Keep checking back with your source, maybe you'll get lucky.

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Am going to let go of my church treasury position at the end of my term, in January.  Will begin training someone next month.  I'm sticking to my guns and going to put my health first, I have to.

kayc:  I have to wish you the best for making this decision.  After reading your comments on the pain you are living with, I hope you aren't waiting too long for surgery.  But, I totally understand your reasons and unfortunately the hoops you have to jump through with the medical choices don't make this decision any easier.  Keeping you and Korie in my thoughts.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Ah, if only checking back at the particular grocer, or any at this time, were simple.  I just called to see if I can have my PCP appointment changed to telemedicine as walking is so unbearable.  I checked with the vascular specialist that I do have to physically go in and found they can bring a wheelchair out if necessary.  The less walking I do, the worse it gets.  Also having digestive problems that make me wary as bathrooms are not always close.  It’s all such a hit in self esteem.  

I put the condolence cards in Ally’s bowl in the music  studio after reading them again.  I’m so empty inside.  Was calling Mel but saying Ally.  I have a counseling session today and all I feel is I’m done.  My thyroid got worse despite an increase in meds and the fatigue is from that and extreme depression.  Still have heard nothing back from the back surgeon if the swelling is related.  

The vet counselor did help me to try and rid my mind that I 'killed' Ally.  Explained the Greek meaning of euthanasia.  Reminded me again how bad it could have been had she been unable to walk and I couldn’t help her at a time I couldn’t get help.  Better a day earlier than a day too late, etc.  

I’m so tired.  Tired of calling places and double checking things as if I don’t, they often get overlooked.  Feeling done really sums it up.  I want out of pain but not willing to do the drastic surgery.  Then I’d really be confined in rehab and stay home for months.   

Thanks for being there.  Just heard from my doc he’d prefer I come in, but I can change that just before the time.  I already know the pain won’t be less.  Have to decide if I want to hobble in and hope I can take it or cave to the limits that are killing me.

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Just heard from my doc he’d prefer I come in, but I can change that just before the time.  I already know the pain won’t be less.  Have to decide if I want to hobble in and hopei can take it or cave to the limits that are killing me.

Gwen:  Hope this appointment goes well even though it will be a challenge for you.  Will be thinking about you.

My SIL just went through her back surgery a week ago.  Her partner called me after the surgery and let me know that the surgeon had "liberated" the nerve that was giving her so much pain.     Since her surgery, she has texted me that the pain has been the worst thing she has ever gone through.  I only share this with you since you are dealing with your back and leg pain.  I hope to talk with her after she has recovered more.  She is pretty stoic and like her brother, never likes to let me know she is human and in pain.  I love her dearly and am anxious to hear she is no longer in pain.  I was surprised she was able to come home the next day after the surgery.  She doesn't live alone and has a great support system of friends.  The support system makes all the difference doesn't it?  Good thoughts going your way.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Wow, Dee.  Are you saying your SIL is in worse pain now after the surgery?  If that’s the case, I’m truly saddened to hear that.  I was told to expect pain which creates conflicts with my anxiety meds for breathing issues.  I know there is pain after surgery, but I feel the docs play it down.  Plus, none of them have had the procedures.  I’d expect pain and my problem is, as you said, no support so subjecting myself to a rehab facility which I’ve already experienced for the hell it is. That or pay out pocket for someone here.  Can’t imagine having a stranger here in my space.  If I got to come home, even in horrid pain, I’d do it.  But there'd have to be one other thing......Steve.  I’m told if I was frreed of the pain I’d have a different attitude.  I know I would.  Unfortunately they haven’t created a med treatment that cures loneliness. People who have their families don’t know how fortunate they are.  Sure know I didn't a few years ago.   

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The vet counselor did help me to try and rid my mind that I 'killed' Ally.  Explained the Greek meaning of euthanasia.  Reminded me again how bad it could have been had she been unable to walk and I couldn’t help her at a time I couldn’t get help.  Better a day earlier than a day too late, etc.  

I am so glad the vet counselor talked with you, it sounds like it was immense help and I agree with everything said!  FEELING guilty does not mean we ARE guilty, this is just a grief response, I dealt with that too even as advanced as his cancer was.  I know I did the right thing but at the time you question everything.  I still have my cards up on my dining room table and can't imagine taking them down, it feels like it'd be closing the door on my Arlie chapter, and I just can't do that.  Weird how we all react to grief so uniquely.  I can't picture them being there the rest of my life, but neither can I picture taking them down.  He is and always will be my love, it's weird that I feel about him so strongly, much like I did my George, I can't explain it, only that it is.  Much of it is who Arlie was, he was perfect for me, but I realize that much of it probably attributed to his and my relationship as I lived alone and we bonded so close.  Even though Kodie is very different than Arlie, I am developing that close bond with him too, only it's different, in different ways, if that makes any sense.  I still miss Arlie.

I'm glad you will still have the option of a televisit should you choose...I don't know why they insist on in-person knowing how hard it is for you.  Gone are the days of home visits!  The doctor I worked for years ago did make some in unique situations, he came to my MIL when she was bedridden with cancer and refused to even charge for it!  Those country doctors and vets seem a thing of the past, unfortunately.

My sister's back surgery required her to be in rehab for a month even though she didn't live alone, and her pain was through the roof, worse before it got better.  It should not STAY worse forever, but her recovery time was lengthy...she is not in good health though, the pain meds made her throw up all of her medicines so that compounded her health, her dementia seemed worse, she was out of her mind with pain.  Forward a few months, she was much better, although COVID set her back as her husband doesn't take her out walking like he used to prior to that, he's terrified she'll get it and die.  

 

[widow'15]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Wow, Dee.  Are you saying your SIL is in worse pain now after the surgery?  If that’s the case, I’m truly saddened to hear that.  I was told to expect pain which creates conflicts with my anxiety meds for breathing issues.  I know there is pain after surgery, but I feel the docs play it down.  Plus, none of them have had the procedures.  I’d expect pain and my problem is, as you said, no support so subjecting myself to a rehab facility which I’ve already experienced for the hell it is.

I’m told if I was frreed of the pain I’d have a different attitude.  I know I would. 

Gwen:  I probably shouldn't have shared the information until I had a chance to talk with her.  One of the problems with "texting" one can't decipher and ask questions as easily as a phone conversation or face to face conversation.  I just know my SIL suffered a great deal prior to her surgery with the pain.  Without any warning, her leg would go numb which would cause her to fall, unable to get up on her own.  Our last text, I assume, referred to the complete ordeal from start of pain up to surgery.    On a telephone conversations prior to her surgery, she was more than willing to go through the surgery just to get past the debilitating pain.  And too, there are  many different reasons for back pain.  Her reason for surgery could have originated in a different location than yours.   I'm sorry if my  share caused you more worry.  Hugs.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I get the leg going numb thing too.  It’s very scary.  Don’t beat yourself up, Dee.  I think I am just so terrified that the mere thought of subjecting myself to this AND there’s no turning back if it doesn’t work well (has a margin of 20% it won’t) I’ll be in a position of dependence which would could mean losing my independence.  Not that I can do a lot now, but if I had to leave my home and surrender my meds to someone to dispense, I’d truly rather not and it leads me to dark places in my head.  . 

I am angry, scared and frustrated with the surgeon for not getting back to me on some questions.  Having to contact him again has me so stressed out.  My doc wanting me to come in physically.  The vascular appointment next week as they have to see my legs.  Feeling awful every day that I believe is from the change in thyroid meds since last year in March.  Steve, Ally, covid, no volunteering, loss of all my real life friends to death or disappearance, people telling me how brave and strong  I am.  I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of sitting here another afternoon writing a post because I have no one to talk to in real life. I’m ever so grateful for this family.  Wish we could interact for real.  I already know real life people don’t get it.  Wondering if each time I go to stand up I can’t.  How my back has overtaken my life.  I know, I know, people fight massive battles all the time.  Don’t they do it with a reason to make it worth it tho?  They say to live. I get that, but what if you don’t feel that way?  

This is redundant.  I've posted it all before and apologize for the repetition.  2 weeks ago I lost not only my baby, but my best friend.  Sobbed myself to sleep last night and again live a day with Melody and her behavioral changes as she tries to adapt and has shown me ways we can build a tighter bridge, but they are not physically easy to do.  I feel a bit overwhelmed as she is putting out more need than sometimes I feel I can fill.  We’re both messed up and I don’t want to resent her for turning to me.  It’s the natural thing for her to do.  I’m assuming it’s natural to feel 'put out' by her needs increasing when you are depleted inside. If not, I’m not a good dog mom.  

I  have yet another med vid today.  This for lungs.  Just heard from the back doc who wants another Zoom meeting Monday.  I’m freaking out inside.  This is a nightmare life.  I keep trying to minimize all the med stuff and it’s like a weed getting bigger.  I’m high risk yet was asked by his assistant if I wanted to schedule it.  Last I talked to him he wasn’t sure how we would proceed.  All I want to know is if my leg swelling is from the back problem!   Simple question.  No wonder I get the shakes every time I have to call a doc.  

Mel wants her ball thrown.  I need to call the landscapers as to why they haven’t replied to a complaint.  I just wanna curl up and disappear.

[Gwenivere]

I should just delete the above and say I lost my baby and best friend since Steve.  That’s the core of everything. Over a decade now my whole role in life changed.  Just when I felt I was getting back on my feet a bit getting Melody it was too short lived.  It’s odd how we sabotage ourselves to not be a burden or bore.  To everyone outside I’m doing OK.  Little do they know except my counselors.  Even then I think I hold back.  I want to be what people see.  Or don’t as they have no idea the hell this has been.  Gawd, I just can’t shut up.

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

I still have my cards up on my dining room table and can't imagine taking them down, it feels like it'd be closing the door on my Arlie chapter, and I just can't do that.  Weird how we all react to grief so uniquely. 

I'm developing that close bond with him too, only it's different, in different ways, if that makes any sense.  I still miss Arlie.

It’s been a weird process.  I had to move her bowl and collar from view.  Got rid of one bag of fur from brushing that was inside, the outside one is still there. The other dog bowls have things in them like cards or favorite toys.  Now hers has the cards as a favorite toy is still in the back of my SUV.  She used to get so excited seeing people she would take it to the window to show people.  It’s sad to see, but I need it there.  I just put all her pain meds in the pet drawer.  So I see them when I get food for the birds.  

Mel and I are still adjusting.  2 weeks hardly covers years of our normal.

[kayc]

Weird how things can strike us differently.  First thing I did was get rid of his hemp oil, etc. as it was a reminder of the cancer.  But anything happy I wanted to keep.  I took his collar off when I buried him as I wanted him free.  I know he would have wanted that, but I still have it hanging, along with his leash, by the back door where we would leave to go on walks.  I painted rocks to put in the front where it was Arlie's area.  That was his fence, his pen, his yard, his porch.  The rug he laid on is still on the porch.  Oddly, Kodie prefers Arlie's doghouse to his own, so Kodie's sits empty, while I could practically fit an elephant into Arlie's!  I miss my big boy...I always called him my little boy.

I ordered one of these custom bracelets in his memory, perfect timing as in ten days it will be one year...his will be blue with the letter A for Arlie.

 

[Gwenivere]

I like all you did and why, Kay.  I always took my dogs collars off at night.  I don’t think they cared, but it seemed to me more comfortable.  I think they associated it more to end of day so no more expectations of activity.  Never not kept a lost kids collar.  The bracelet is really nice.  I don’t wear them, but f I did........

I’m trying to figure out why I tortured myself this morning looking at adoption sites.  I’m so deep in grief about Ally, I forgot how intense it is. I caught myself and said....what are you doing to yourself?  Even if you were ready for another dog, you can hardly walk, manage their adapting to a new place or get them established at the vet.  I miss her so much it tearing me apart.  Maybe it was seeing all the kids out there needing homes to know there is no shortage or will be of them needing me someday if I can fulfill that role again.  

Mail brought me medical forms for an appointment next week.  Night was spent in painful sleep and effects of increased thyroid med I do twice a week.  I have 3 errands I want to do today I hope to accomplish as I have to walk in stores, and I saw my daily pill boxes were low so have that task for the evening which I hate.  Wouldn’t be bad but 2 have to be split and it always frustrates me.  Tomorrow is the choice day about trying to go in person to my regular doc or computer.  Makes me angry I can’t just go anywhere without worrying about my legs.

poor Melody got to have a peanut butter jar, but it was trash and recycle day so the trucks bothered her.  She isn’t even bothering me to throw her ball.  It’s drizzly today so it’s quite chilly.  

I’m getting hounded by Medicare marketers to 'help me' and it’s driving me nuts.  I think I still have the state’s number for help and also found my existing insurance offers 7 plans for supplemental.  I really dread this coming up.  If Steve would have been here we would have been thru it and know what to do this time around.  Another reason to be pissed he was taken.  I’ve got til November but time goes fast on those things as it drags on stuff like Ally.  

Don’t have any doghouses, just lots of mats and beds.  Our kids still preferred the human furniture.  Only time it was a problem is when we had company and they had to sit on the dog beds.  😎

 

[kayc]

II regret not getting an insurance agent before signing up, couldn't later on, some stupid rule.  Only when switching, which I likely will during open time.

I leave Kodie in the house if I'll be gone under 4 1/2 hours, otherwise he goes out in the pen, not sure why as he refused to do his business there OR in the yard!  Never had a dog like that before.  Everything weird like that makes me miss Arlie all the more, but I know that's not fair to Kodie, he has a LOT of great qualities, he's very sweet, but a couple of quirks drive me nuts and that's one and the other is his digging!  Not sure I'll ever get either changed.

Kodie doesn't use his bed much, he prefers to be near me, playing, checking in with me for attention.

[Gwenivere]

I’m seeing a lot more about Melody, or maybe feeling more now that we’re alone, that make the void bigger about Ally. Things she doesn’t do or with the same enthusiasm. I know in my head she’s a totally different dog, but I find myself wishing she would have adopted more intensity in the things that I was so used to.  But she does other things Ally didn’t that are unique to her.  I miss the most is a companion feel than protector one.  Ally sure didn’t need that from me except for fireworks and thunder.  Mel is skittish about so much.  Doesn’t want to go with me anywhere.  Have to coax her outside if there is a different noise. I’m just so used to a super outgoing dog.  The absolute hardest is she won’t sleep with me and has now not been responding to the alarm.  So I really feel like I wake up alone.  That’s why it’s vital I keep dragging myself up (as it’s gone back to that) because the depression is enormous processing this new grief.

[Gwenivere]

Had a televisit with my doc today.  No good news at all.  Slight blood in urine, low iron, TSH up all leading to more referrals and tests.  The cologuard came back OK.  Now he suggests iron supplement either pill or IV for weeks, an endoscopy and colonoscopy to determine why I have low iron.  More thyroid meds that I’m already having a hard time tolerating.  Maybe a CT scan to look at kidneys and other organs.  Still have to see vascular this week.  All looping back to back surgery.  He’s a DO and they usually have a more holistic approach, but I can actually see as a physician his wanting these tests.  I had to insert the psychological side tho.  Motivation and what would I gain with all the possibilities to give life meaning.  I’m smack dab in the new grief about Ally.  It’s a potent force to be reckoned with.

i ran into the woman I met last week again this evening that does dog rescues.  Talked about an hour with her and met some of her friends.  She could become a lifeline to purpose in time.  She wanted my number so that felt good.  I talked to the guy who does the cooking of these meals and he is trying to get the word out to isolated seniors as we are so vulnerable to depression and dementia when cut off.  Amazing people doing amazing things and I’d love to be a part of it.  But I have to get over the medical wall in my way.  The question in my mind is if I could handle a possible year of recovery and gamble that my pain could become livable.  The only answer is to do it and see.  That brings in Steve being gone so if it didn’t, I’d still have a reason to live.  I cannot imagine doing the intensity of treatment to be as I am now or worse.  I haven’t found anything yet to take that chance.   Could set myself up to lose all independence.  Biggies being taking my own meds by myself, losing Melody, having to choose what I keep and have room for in a facility.    Someone living in our home and I’m still alive?  That was never the plan.

 

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

i ran into the woman I met last week again this evening that does dog rescues.  Talked about an hour with her and met some of her friends.  She could become a lifeline to purpose in time.  She wanted my number so that felt good.  I talked to the guy who does the cooking of these meals and he is trying to get the word out to isolated seniors as we are so vulnerable to depression and dementia when cut off.  Amazing people doing amazing things and I’d love to be a part of it.  But I have to get over the medical wall in my way.

Gwen:  Good to see you are seeking more information on possibilities of interest for you in your "new normal" .........   sorry I had to throw in those two words we so love.  Either directions of interest sound so much like you.  Also, I am hopeful you will get over your medical wall eventually so you can go forward with your life doing good for others, four legged or not.    Good thoughts going to you and Melody.  Dee

 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Things she doesn’t do or with the same enthusiasm.

Uh-huh.  The same with Arlie and Kodie, just very different dogs.  But I have grown to love unique qualities about Kodie even while missing Arlie's special ones.  No one replaces him.  But this little guy has wriggled his way into my heart too.

I had a DO for 33-34 years, the doctor I worked for.  He didn't believe in taking supplements, but I do, more so the older I get.  I hope you find what is causing the iron deficiency.  I looked it up but there are too many possibilities to even guess, best to leave to the experts to figure out.  

I hear you on the surgery, these are questions going through my mind, I don't see how I can be out of commission with my right hand for so long!  I have figured out how to get Kodie's halti/leash on/off w/o my right hand, although very difficult.  I can't unbuckle it, way too hard, even tried pliers, nope!  So I leave the halti attached to his leash, slip it over his head, hook the hook to his collar with my left hand, voila!  I talked to the bank yesterday about what if my signature doesn't resemble mine, as I can't write left handed.  They said it will still go through although they may compare loops, etc and can always call/email me for confirmation.  Still don't know how I'll lift groceries, etc that requires two hands.  Winter chores are out, have to have healing before winter, that's the tricky part.  My incentive is there as I want/need to remain independent!  All the more important as I have Kodie to consider.  I hope you figure out the right answers for YOU.  

[Gwenivere]

This is going to sound horrid, but right now I’m not sure how I feel about Melody since losing Ally.  I know I love her in some way, would do anything to protect her and can’t imagine her not being here.  But I don’t feel that intense love I have for all our other dogs.  She is the first dog since I was a kid I’ve ever had that Steve wasn’t in my life.  And she’s not a pup I am discovering, she’s almost 6 so I know all about her.  But I don’t feel that deep, deep attachment.  I crazily want her to do  some of the things Ally did.  It’s not fair, but I feel it.  I want her to sleep with me,  ride in the car, be outgoing with strangers and stop being afraid of noises she’s heard all her life.  To stop being so freaked out if something falls over.  Ally was like a bull in a china shop.  More into whatever made her so happy to notice if she bumped a chair out of position.  I want her to go out front and bark at people and dogs so I have to reign her in.  I was so disappointed she couldn’t handle being a volunteer.  

I see what I am doing and don’t know how to stop it.  I want her to 'be' Ally.  It’s not reasonable or fair.  I don’t know how to appreciate a laid back dog that is so comfortable being satisfied with so little but my presence.  Maybe our other dogs would have too, but I/we were younger and wanted to show them the world and they dug it.  Trips to the mountains, lakes, ocean, never went on vacation unless they came.  I’ve never even taken her to any water.  Have no idea if she’d like it, especially now (if I could) as she followed Ally’s lead.  

She lays here and looks at me with that gorgeous face and greets me coming home, steals my slippers and knee supports when I change.  Waits for me in bed when I brush my teeth after dinner to be scratched and hugged.  She loves me.  I don’t feel I am returning it well and I feel bad about myself.  She accepts me, why can’t i accept her as she is?  

Ally symbolized my last truly significant tie to Steve.  Perhaps that is the only true answer and it hurts so much I can barely get thru the day.  Mel deserves so much more.  

[Margm]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This is going to sound horrid,

Billy loved his grandkids with as much love as he loved his kids.  One night when Angel (the oldest) had bronchitis he went and slept on the floor beside her crib because her parents bedroom was on the other side of the house..  They didn't seem to mind.  But when they divorced and the mother took them so far away when they were 9 and 5 we thought our world had ended.  Then along came Brianna and she was Billy's.  Kelli shared also.  She was working long hours as a nurse.  She still lived in Louisiana.  One night at 2:00 a.m. he traveled to Louisiana (175)) miles to get her so her mama could sleep, and of course Billy could be her Nanny, or Manny.  When Billy left he took most of my heart with him.  I knew I still "loved" but it seemed a bother to show it.  I know how he would take care of Brianna and I do the same.  I saw my great granddaughter, I am sorry  to say, I can't describe the feeling, I did not recognize it and did not miss it when it was gone.  So maybe Ally took so much of your heart, it is hard to describe how you feel.  I understand that.  It is like happiness.  How are we to know when it returns?  Can I have happiness without him?

[Gwenivere]

You could be very right, Marg.  Steve took half of me, Ally took another big chunk.  I just feel guilty of not feeling like I think I should and I’m usually the first person to point out not to feel that way to others.   It’s so hard to navigate life when you don’t know yourself anymore because there’s so little to try and rebuild with.  I barely remember happiness. 

[kayc]

Gwen, I don't think it is only that Ally was your final link to Steve, part of it is just their unique differences.  I feel a little guilty for not having mourned Lucky more but it came the same week as I had to file for divorce, I had a lot going on.  It doesn't seem right I didn't properly grieve her, she was the best dog, so sweet, so trained!  But not like Arlie who was perfect for me, he came next, I got him after being widowed, he patiently awaited my return on long days of commuting/working, saw me through being out of work a couple of times, was an angel when I broke my right elbow, never once pulling while I walked him!  He was the dog I retired with, he was my perfect for me dog.  I wasn't in a place to love another dog like him when he passed, because there IS no other dog like him!  Instead Kodie wormed his way into my heart, patiently, persistently, in spite of my mourning, in spite of my wishing he was Arlie back again.  I still love and miss Arlie each and every day, but little by little it's become in ADDITION to loving Kodie, and not instead of.  No one will ever replace my Arlie, he will always hold that special place in my heart.  Try not to feel guilty for how you feel as we can't help how we feel, but instead understand why you feel as you do...you are mourning greatly.  Try not to compare but take note of little things you've come to love and appreciate about Mel...know that what you are feeling is normal IMHO.

[MartyT]

 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Try not to feel guilty for how you feel as we can't help how we feel, but instead understand why you feel as you do...you are mourning greatly.  Try not to compare but take note of little things you've come to love and appreciate about Mel...know that what you are feeling is normal

Wise words as always, dear Kay. ❤️

[Gwenivere]

I guess I am too close to the loss still.  I do appreciate Melody, but I feel dead inside and not just about her.  It’s been so much lately with med stuff and all the tests they want to do.  All these possibilities of more stuff going wrong.  Them not understanding how someone would not have strong fight as they don’t get utter loneliness.  

I saw you posted the suicide hotline number in another thread.  I’m not looking to do that, but it got me to thinking about why  people are talked out of it in situations that still leave them not mattering to anyone anymore.  You assess your life and see it would have so little effect on anyone.  Yes, people would miss you for a bit.  The old saying that you still live on as people talk about and remember you.  That would not be my case. None of us wants to make others sad, but there is a 'solace' having people, mostly family,  kids and grandkids, that would be affected.  They are the reasons I see others have purpose to live. I have a dog that would go to another home and have to adjust, that’s it.  My finances would help the charities Steve and  I chose.  

When he died the outpouring was phenomenal.  He was so loved by so many.  I got the overflow of that being his partner.  It felt great.  Those people hung around for a bit then moved along as I couldn’t be the band leader and put together gigs or jams and live those kind of friendships.  I’ve met a couple people, but they have full lives and can’t fit into what they do as a close friend.  They won’t blossom that way as I am so physically and emotionally limited.  I listen to them intently and all I have to offer is my woes.  Not exactly stuff that makes others warm up to you.  So I talk about the usual chit chat stuff. It’s good at the time, but it sure would be nice to be my true self.  I need people to get back there.  Why, oh why, wasn’t I born an introvert?  It’s a tough balance to to not want to overwhelm people with need.  

These aren’t pity parties.  They are the reality of my life I have to accept.  I just keep wondering hw everything collapsed including the friends I had. Where did everybody go and so coincidentally.....all of them?  And my social venues collapsed.  I soooo relate to your leaving the church work, Kay.  So much of me is unfulfilled now without volunteering.

 

[kayc]

Oftentimes people are suicidal in early grief and it's good for them to give themselves time to adjust to the changes and feel in a better place in their lives...I've seen COUNTLESS people in this category!  And they come back and tell you they're glad they didn't.  That's why.  We can't talk people out of it that are bent on doing it, no matter how many numbers we post!  But neither do I feel bad for trying.

Gwen, your situation is not necessarily typical, you are battling more than the average griever, with all of your medical issues, but even so, you seem to have a will to live, you keep trying, you put forth effort, I admire you for that.  Sometimes our survival instincts are stronger than we'd ever anticipated and we don't even know why.  Kodie gives me will to live, he's so stinking adorable and a breath of fresh air, I've noticed more oomph inside of me since getting him.  But in the earlier days I wasn't in love with him, I just missed my Arlie, and I STILL miss my Arlie, but now I have the added benefit of this little creature worming his way into my heart, he's adorable and no one can resist his wiles!  I appreciate his not giving up on me.