My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

Melody is doing her best at attention seeking.  I try and be as open to it as I can.  We have years to make up for as Ally and I were so tight.  She’s doing more to fill in gaps sometimes by just being there.  She’s maintaining the traditions for treat, play, relax and sleep times.  I wish I could do more with her physically but throw the ball.  I keep trying the car thing but she keeps hating it. 

I just had a televisit with the back surgeon.  He doesn’t think the calf and foot swelling are back related.  I see vascular Wednesday and will have to see if this would interfere with surgery.  Interestingly, the back doc said my scans hadn’t really changed in a year so this constant pain is a mystery.  I know I’m aggravating it more with my depression so I do less and then have to do something that requires my back or restless sleep twists it without my consent.  It’s gotten significantly worse since losing Ally.  I’m going to try and stock up on Mel’s green beans today as well as some distilled water as a jug had a leak in the car so that was a mess.  Almost poured it out but as it was a significant amount left divided it between to the inside for oxygen humidity and my water fountain. Ya know, water is heavy to carry, even jugs. I passed on 24 bottled water yesterday even at a phenomenal sale.  

Inlook at my lists for the days and they look so simple, like way back when.  They’re so monumental now.  I’m not gracefully growing older.  I would be if I had someone to do it with.  There’s this constant battle in my head about my mental and physical age.  Seeing Steve older would help.  He was much better at accepting limits or finding ways to let go of the frustration about it.  I miss my guide into new terrains.  Now I’m older than he was.  Can’t even look to that for how he handled it.  So much more now that needs 2 people when it was optional before.

 

[kayc]

Gwen, I can so relate to what you say.  George was barely 51 when he died so he is forever immortalized there...even so, I know he would have adored me even with all of the physical changes of aging.  He had rose-colored glasses where I was concerned.  Isn't that as it should be?  And yes we are definitely at that spot in life where TWO are needed.  There's this in the Bible, never truer to me than now: 

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

[Gwenivere]

I know Steve would see me without faults.  My age wouldn’t matter.  When he died I was a far cry from the lithesome, body perfect young thing I was.  Wearing the most show off clothes as opposed to loose and comfort based.  Tho I know I’d want to care more but there is no reason to now.  I’m not a frump, but I have little interest in looking the best I could.  Presentable is enough.  In our early 50’s he still would compliment me on something.  He still had his awesome hair I loved to touch.  Now we’d really be showing our age, but I know it wouldn’t matter a bit.  Love looks thru different eyes.   They see the real person time ravages and it doesn’t matter.  That is love.  

[Gwenivere]

Bad Friday.  Getting up I dropped my bedside water.  Omen of things to come.  My cherry tree was supposed to come down and it was too rotted to climb.  The closest tree at a neighbors needed their OK and they weren’t home.  So that was cancelled and I have a form for them, waiting on another neighbor for maybe their number.  I hate these big projects and was hoping for once something would go smoothly.  My housekeeper came and brought beautiful flowers for Ally which was so nice, but thrust me into that grief.  I had zoom counseling and could do little talking, just cried and cried.  The housekeeper was gone when I was done so I didn’t get to say goodbye as we are quite friendly.  I went to the community center for a donation dinner and ran into the woman I met that works with rescue dogs.  She has such a full life.  Another woman joined us talking and I felt so alone as they knew many of the same people.  She asked if I wanted to foster an older blind dog.  I can’t take that on.  As we continued talking I started having a panic attack and had to leave.  So I got no exercise at all which is not good.  I’ve sat here all evening in total despair.  

This was after settling in and printing out the acceptance form and writing a note to my neighbors about the tree.  It hit me....why an I dong this?  I’m paying a company to do this.  If I knew them, no biggie.  But it was work for me and I’d have to go there and leave the note or talk to them when I’m in such pain.  Seems it would make them feel better to talk to the pros with their licenses and could truly guarantee any reparation if there was any damage.  

Today I need to shower and our heat wave kicks in.  I am almost dreading going to the comm center for dinner.  Odd getting to know people but feeling more lonely for it.  I can’t participate in activities these people do.  Walks, meeting at times that my meds don’t cover, interest in stuff.   I’m getting to comfortable being alone from the living.  Not from being alone tho.  I don’t know if any if this even makes sense.  I know I face another morning and day that is empty.  Maybe it will help to do the daily drudgery.  It’s all I really know anymore.

my heart just aches wanting my family back.  

 

[kayc]

Gwen, we are quite the pair.  I think letting the pros handle your neighbors is a good idea, is it too late?

I'm sorry things didn't go as you'd hoped yesterday, sometimes days are like that...or weeks...when nothing seems to go right.  Add that to our every day stress and it feels too much.

(copied from another post to save typing)...Doctor sent referral to orthopedic clinic Monday but haven't heard back yet.  I made the 120 mile trip to the doctor yesterday, couldn't take the pain any more, it's been five months.  To top it off my sister spread her wart to me and wouldn't you know, I got it on the inside of my right thumb, right where it hurts the worst!  I couldn't figure out how I got it as I haven't touched anyone but when I put her walker in my car, I lifted grasping the handle...it was after I got it my sister told me she's had them in the same spot for two years and done nothing about it.  I'd never had one before.  The doctor said some hurt, some don't, I figure it's so painful because of WHERE I have it being spot on where my hand hurts the most.  She gave me a cortisone shot but not in the hand so won't be as effective, but I'll take anything, also sent a bit of Lidocaine home with me.  She said to give it until Monday and if I don't hear from the Orthopedic Clinic to call them.  Gone are the days they call within a day!

We have the same heat wave, and I hate heat...prefer 40-70s...don't like snow either.  I hate to be picky but heat wipes me out and ice is dangerous, snow I have to shovel.  I like it in the middle.   Hope we survive the next couple of days as it will be HOT!  Living in the NW we don't expect the heat like if we were in AZ or TX.  And I don't have A/C.  Fortunately it's not often it's this hot.  Will be 100 or more, 80s next week.

I'm, loving the remembrance bracelet I had custom made in honor of Arlie...one year tomorrow.  It's beautiful, comfortable, fits well.  I hope he knows how much I love and miss him.  I want to be with him again.  I know you feel it too, Gwen, wish there was some comfort somehow.

[Margm]

Pretty bracelet.  Down here in the south, I opened the front door and it was like opening the oven door.  I need to get out and drive to my daughter's house.  She got the Covid "all clear" on a Friday.  She came by and we bumped elbows, they are afraid to hug me.  Scott works in the hospital and since the Covid he has steered clear of me.  Of course, Kelli decided to go camping she felt so good..  I told her she was an idiot and I was sorry idiocy ran so rampant in our family.  She put her tent up and stayed up all night listening to what sounded like huge cat sounds.  This was on the river up in Arkansas, no one else was camping there.  The river was wide enough a large houseboat passed by and anchored further on up/down river.  She moved her tent the next day and in spite of two men offering to help with her tent, she put it up again.  Temps got down in the 60's.  It gets cool on the little mountains of Arkansas at night.  She packed up, came home in time to go get her enzyme shot on Monday.  Her doc called her "idiot" again.  He and I felt the same about it but she was so tired of being tied down and washing sheets and clothes.  Daily job with Scott working in hospital.  He showers, puts clothes in washer.  They provide him scrubs but Kelli always has to pour in Pine-Sol in her washer.  That enzyme shot has put her in bed all this week.  Scott sleeps days and Kelli has always been more comfortable sleeping days, Brianna also.  Not me.  I sure sleep a lot more with this Covid quarantine.  I really miss all the daylight and read most times to 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning, so sleep the day away.  Don't know what we can do.  This world is upside down.  Kelli has to have another enzyme shot Monday.  Her platelets were making new platelets, I wish they would wait a week.  She has been in bed all week.  We hate it so when our friends and children are ill, no matter the age.  

I don't know what to do with my gardenia Bonsai.  I read directions.  I even have to give it two capsules of lead or iron a year.  It is dangerous to give me something that cannot take care of itself.  

[widow'15]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

my heart just aches wanting my family back.  

Gwen:  Ditto your statement.  As I lay awake around 3:00 this am, trying to shut down the mind that is racing in all directions I could only cry in despair asking that daily question, "Why did Bob and Maddie have to leave me ?"  There is so much for me to do as I purge rooms of "stuff" I won't be moving to my new home.   I need sleep but can't seem to drop off until 3:00 am  which means my eyes aren't open until mid morning and the day is gone.   I know I shouldn't bemoan my loss since we all have experienced enormous  losses and are still battling how we are to go on.   I am fortunate to have a small family to help attempt this move, but the emotional pain and fear of leaving a home that was once all I ever wanted is gnawing at my insides. 

My heart goes out to you as you all face your battles alone.  Gwen, I was wondering if maybe the community center folks might be able to introduce you to some support if you should decide to go forward with your medical tests? 

6 hours ago, kayc said:

We have the same heat wave, and I hate heat...prefer 40-70s...don't like snow either.  I hate to be picky but heat wipes me out and ice is dangerous, snow I have to shovel.  I like it in the middle.   Hope we survive the next couple of days as it will be HOT!  Living in the NW we don't expect the heat like if we were in AZ or TX.  And I don't have A/C.

kayc:  Me too -- not looking forward to the next couple of days either.  I have a window A/C in one of the bedrooms but not my bedroom.  I do have lots of fans to hopefully move the cooler air around.  By the end of the day, my house can reach over 80 degrees inside as the sun beats down from 3:30 pm until ????  Don't know how you folks in AZ survive.  😅  Dee

[widow'15]

43 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Of course, Kelli decided to go camping she felt so good..  I told her she was an idiot and I was sorry idiocy ran so rampant in our family. 

Marg:  Good to see Kelli feels so good.  She is a brave lady to go camping alone.  I had to laugh at your statement re: idiocy so rampant in your family.  Thank you for the chuckle.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, widow'15 said:

 I am fortunate to have a small family to help attempt this move, but the emotional pain and fear of leaving a home that was once all I ever wanted is gnawing at my insides. 

My heart goes out to you as you all face your battles alone.  Gwen, I was wondering if maybe the community center folks might be able to introduce you to some support if you should decide to go forward with your medical tests? 

Don't know how you folks in AZ survive.  😅  Dee

I honestly don’t know how you are doing this.  It makes me anxious just reading about it.  Life has been nothing but change after change since Steve left and none of them good.  I know your family is helping, but I see that as only a relief for details so you don’t have everything on your shoulders.   But inside, no one can help that but listen as we do.  I’m still living our hours and not up til noon, so 10 seems early to me.  A fear I never thought I would even think about was leaving this home.  No plans to but I’m not one of those that will be here in my 80’s.  Too many strikes against me.  I feel so much for you having to leave the place you lived your life with Bob.  It becomes empty without them, but their spirit remains.  It’s a conundrum.  The memories come with you, but the environment will be a clean slate.  I haven’t had a clean slate since I came into consciousness as a toddler.  I scrambled to fill it.  Now it is.  But how do you move it in to a new place?  Eventually, I am hoping, you will feel comfort there.  But I sure get being torn up.  

I don’t know the community center people that well.  And seeing as I had a panic attack starting when I was there yesterday, I’m now hesitant at going back.   Tho I think it was from the long conversing with the women I kinda know and feeling so alone.  And being asked to foster that blind dog when Ally is such a huge loss I haven’t begun to heal the slightest bit from.

Having lived in AZ and Nebraska, you can only live there with AC.  The whole house kind, not window units.  As much as I was glad we had it, I hated it as I don’t like 'dry' cold and sealed up houses.

This morning, 3am, I decided to clean the birdcage.  I was putting the used liners in the trash when a very disheveled, altered man walked halfway up the driveway.  He asked to use the phone and then asked if he could cut thru my backyard.  I firmly said no and you have to leave now.  He did.  I’m amazed that didn’t shake me as much as the panic attack I had at the community center.  I guess because it was a true threat and not my brain wiring going sideways.  I just made sure the doors were locked as always and carried on.  It’s been years since anything that odd has happened.  My neighbor a block over said this was starting up again from low income housing being added down the street.  Seems he is right.  Odd thing always was is that Steve would get more freaked out by this stuff.  Maybe he was wiser.

Edited August 15, 2020 by Gwenivere
Trying to repost

[Margm]

Dee, I know Kelli.  She still has to take shots to build up her platelets and they just take the starch out of her.  She is a hard one to keep down, even sick.  I don't think this made her sicker, but I do think it prolonged her illness when she gets the enzyme shots.  She always gets sick and runs a fever for a day afterwards, nausea and lassitude.  I cannot keep her from "escaping" when she feels good, but she got her all clear from Covid on Friday and Friday night was out off the river camping by herself.  Not afraid.  She is her father's daughter.  She did come home the day after the 2nd night.  I know the Covid wiped her out.  Having company so long wiped her out, and then the shot last Monday has kept her in bed all this week.  Low grade temperature.  I told her to call them Monday and cancel the next shot.  She just ran her whole system down trying to feel good.  She is a hard one to hold down until she just can't go.  I will go tomorrow and check on her.  Scott works in a hospital where they have Covid and they have a strict rule (Kelli and Scott) that his clothes go directly in the washer and she disinfects them and his sheets.  They get along living together very good..  I'm happy about that.  She likes to cook when she is feeling good and he will go get her food when she is ill.  Takes a lot of worry off me.  It is so hard to keep her stabilized when she feels good.  I hate her to be sick.  

[Margm]

1 hour ago, widow'15 said:

  I am fortunate to have a small family to help attempt this move, but the emotional pain and fear of leaving a home that was once all I ever wanted is gnawing at my insides. 

Dee, I'm so sorry it is hard for you to leave.  I can only imagine the pain my friend and neighbor in Arkansas feels.  I actually do not know if she has found a small house or is moving to assisted living.  That small town built the most beautiful nursing home and assisted living facilities up on the mountain where the view shows all the valley below.  Her husband, a contractor, built that home.  The street next to it has a beautiful dark brick home where she raised her two children, within eyesight of the home she has for sale.  It has three floor levels, is beyond beautiful, made of native rock, but before I left she said it was going to be too much for her.  She grows flowering bushes, trees, annuals, and we used to take pictures in fall and spring of her yard.  But, she is at least 80 now and even with all the family and friends (this is her hometown), she cannot afford to keep it up.  I'm griping about keeping alive a gardenia Bonsai, I cannot imagine her worry with so many flowering, beautiful plants.  My heart hurts for her and you.  It makes me glad I was not a homesteader, but honestly I have had times I wished I had of been.  

I drive by places in the country here and still think "Billy and I should have done this" because the yards are so perfect, the houses so home looking.  Then I have to tell myself, we tried it, we've been there, we even cleared off the place to build the house "of our dreams" and moving into it, we hated it.  It was like trying to tame two wild animals to live in a cage.  We couldn't do it.  The stress of it all drove us away from each other.  I thought it was what he wanted.  We picked out the RV and I never slept in that house again.  We just could not be tamed into living in one place.  We really tried twice more, one time staying long enough for the kids sake to keep them in one school, but we were not happy.  We did it to keep Brianna in one place without constant moving when she was small.  It just did not work for us.  We all are so different.  Like I've said before, the only house I cried about was our Holiday Rambler RV, when we sold it and moved into the stix and brix house.  I had such hatred for houses I would envy every RV I saw on the highway.  It took losing Billy to make me become tame, and that is because you put old animals into a cage, they realize they have to stay if they lose their mate.  I feel I was born to run wild, but I cannot without him.  I know my friends that are afraid they will have to leave their houses.  So, I understand your feelings from them sharing their fears of having to leave.  Mama was not going to leave her home.  My sister gave up a lot of her life to make sure she stayed in her home.  My heart feels for you.  

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

She is a hard one to hold down until she just can't go.  I will go tomorrow and check on her.  Scott works in a hospital where they have Covid and they have a strict rule (Kelli and Scott) that his clothes go directly in the washer and she disinfects them and his sheets.  They get along living together very good..  I'm happy about that.  She likes to cook when she is feeling good and he will go get her food when she is ill.  Takes a lot of worry off me.  It is so hard to keep her stabilized when she feels good.  I hate her to be sick.  

Marg:  It's wonderful that Scott and Kelli are so close and support each other.  As a Mom of two adult children I understand your happiness of their relationship.  My two have to work at getting along with each other.  They are so different in their temperaments.  My plan to relocate to my son's property has seemed to help their present feelings towards each other.  My daughter being the oldest, has always been the big sister and still likes that position. LOL  

I fully understand your feelings when your children, and grandchild are ill.  I can't imagine how you have gotten through this virus and knowing Scott works in the VA hospital.  Good thoughts going your way.  Dee

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This morning, 3am, I decided to clean the birdcage.  I was putting the used liners in the trash when a very disheveled, altered man walked halfway up the driveway.  He asked to use the phone and then asked if he could cut thru my backyard.  I firmly said no and you have to leave now.  He did.  I’m amazed that didn’t shake me as much as the panic attack I had at the community center.  I guess because it was a true threat and not my brain wiring going sideways.  I just made sure the doors were locked as always and carried on.  It’s been years since anything that odd has happened.  My neighbor a block over said this was starting up again from low income housing being added down the street.  Seems he is right.  Odd thing always was is that Steve would get more freaked out by this stuff.  Maybe he was wiser.

Oh My Goodness Gwen :  I hope you don't go out front at this time of the day very often.  Your daily adventures amaze me.  Glad you were forceful in your reply.

Maybe I  should get out of my bed at 3 am since I can't sleep and get some purging done.  Seems better use of time.  But, would not feel as brave as you to go outside to garbage can.  I'd probably run into a racoon or something that would scare me to death.

I just spent about an hour in my garage and got too warm and back and knees began hurting so called it good for now.  Will rest and try again a little later.

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I honestly don’t know how you are doing this.  It makes me anxious just reading about it.  Life has been nothing but change after change since Steve left and none of them good.  I know your family is helping, but I see that as only a relief for details so you don’t have everything on your shoulders.  

In a conversation with my daughter yesterday she said the same to me.  And I can only say I don't have a choice.  Living here alone has become too much for me over the past five years without Bob.  I feel Bob would agree why I made this decision.  Prior to learning he had cancer, we had a conversation regarding me moving from the house should he pass before me.   My response to him was the first thing I would do would sell the house.  It has taken me 5 years to make the decision.  Now, I just have to face the emotions of actually doing it.  Dee

[Kieron]

Interesting that you all are discussing this topic, of home, downsizing, moving away.  I'm waffling like crazy over staying here in this big house, as well.  I don't know how or why, but the housekeeping seems endless --but it's just me and the cat!  I understand the emotional aspect of it all too well.  I almost sold in the autumn after Mark died, but decided I wasn't emotionally ready.  A friend lived here for about 18 months but recently moved away, as planned, so it's once again just me (and the cat, and the cat hair....🙄) but we spent a lot of time over the warm season fixing up things, making this place more sale-ready.  I sold off or gave away some furniture last summer.  I have a realtor already and notified her I was thinking about it again as I was feeling like I was in a good spot to do the deed.  A month ago, I was pretty much ready, and purged stuff with carloads of donations, filling the trash collection a little bit each week so the city sanitation wouldn't squawk about it, etc etc.

And then I realized well duh.  I do need a place to live, next.  I would still have to have a job.  And then there's this damned pandemic.  I looked online at various places in the region but can't decide if I want another smaller house, or an apartment or what. 

Long story short, I developed some cold feet, I guess.  I feel utterly ridiculous occupying this big place by myself, in a time when people are losing their homes or looking for somewhere to go.  If that don't beat all... life is so weird.  🤪

[KarenK]

Well folks, it's 7:30 pm and a mere 110 outside. I had planned on sweeping the grass dregs off the driveway and sidewalk before it got too dark, but screw it. My son mowed about 7am, but the extreme heat is just not for me. I'd last about 5 minutes. As much as I hate humidity, I sure wish we'd get some rain. I've forgotten what it looks like. Wonder if this is how those Texans felt back in "The Dust Bowl" epic. My backyard looks like an empty horse paddock with hay spread around.

[Gwenivere]

Karen, if you had gone out in that heat to work, I would have had to judge you as certifiably insane.  🤪

[Margm]

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

As much as I hate humidity, I sure wish we'd get some rain.

Karen, I carried some things out to the car just after dark.  I swear the hot humidity had to be pushed out of the way.  One thing we have loads of is humidity.  My sister made a walk down to the office to leave a note about some things that need fixed.  She is a smidgen away from having to have oxygen.  She walked around by my apartment about 9:30 and had to come inside for awhile.  She couldn't breathe in the humidity and forgot it is uphill a little bit to my apartment.  I'll bet she uses her car next time.  It is a big apartment complex.  

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

Well folks, it's 7:30 pm and a mere 110 outside. I had planned on sweeping the grass dregs off the driveway and sidewalk before it got too dark, but screw it

Oh Karen:  110 degrees at 7:30 pm.  Glad you didn't try to tidy up the driveway in that kind of heat.  I won't dare complain about the heat here in Tacoma, WA.  It only reached 81 degrees here today.  That's hot enough for me.  Dee

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Kieron said:

Long story short, I developed some cold feet, I guess.  I feel utterly ridiculous occupying this big place by myself, in a time when people are losing their homes or looking for somewhere to go.  If that don't beat all... life is so weird. 

Kieron:  It only took me 5 years to finally make up my mind that it is time for me.   Like the grief path we each have to walk, we are different in our needs and choices.  At least it sounds like you have gotten yourself into the position that when the time comes for you, you are good to go.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

We got 84 or so here in Seattle, Dee.  I can already feel it’s going to be bad today.  Heat seems to always make me feel worse.  I worry about power in the the winter, but there’s a coziness being in your nest.  

All this talk of moving had me looking around at my place and the impossibility on my own.  How I pretty much have to abandon everything large.  We were both tall people, so king bed, long couch, Steve had to have a large media wall, dining area with table, hutch he built me and microwave table.  My desk was built from scratch by my ex husband so it’s perfect for me.  And clothes.  I have so much and you know how it goes when you try and part with most.......maybe(?) you’ll wear it again?  Even if you know you won’t.  Closet doors are perfect for hiding so much.  As are dresser drawers.  Kitchen cabinets.  Where would I store my back up back ups?

i guess l'll keep mine for now.  Going back and forth is my biggest source of exercise.  I’m always up at 3am.  No matter how tired or bored I am, I dread going to bed.  It’s a long ritual to get settled with the least pain, just like showers are intense experiences that now take twice as long and hurt.  I limped around the grocery today and actually put stuff back or passed on.  Usually never do that but there is only so much one person can eat.  It’s more an outlet just to be around other people.  I did need Tylenol tho.  Fitting.  

[Kieron]

Karen, I wish I could send you our rain.  It's been raining regularly here.  We're tired of it.  I've noticed a trend toward more wet summers in recent years. 

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

She put her tent up and stayed up all night listening to what sounded like huge cat sounds.

Too scary for me, the most feared thing being a cougar.  Sends chills up me!  Glad she made it back okay.

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

a very disheveled, altered man walked halfway up the driveway.  He asked to use the phone and then asked if he could cut thru my backyard.  I firmly said no and you have to leave now.  He did.

I am so glad you were firm with him and handled it!  Wow!  I would say no to both too.

13 hours ago, Kieron said:

Long story short, I developed some cold feet, I guess.  I feel utterly ridiculous occupying this big place by myself, in a time when people are losing their homes or looking for somewhere to go.

Your giving up your home wouldn't mean they'd have a place to live, one can afford it or not.  I love where I live.  Can I continue to live here alone when I'm 90?  Not likely, but if not, I'll know when the time comes.  Right now I couldn't begin to clean out this place, with my hands as they are I can barely get by.

It was 106 here yesterday, 87 inside the house.  Miserable!  Even poor Kodie looked wiped out.

Today is one year since Arlie died.  (I posted in Living with Loss, Pet section.)  Hard to believe life goes on when our heart stops.

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Karen, if you had gone out in that heat to work, I would have had to judge you as certifiably insane.  🤪

No can work in this!  It was miserable walking Kodie in the afternoon.  I took the path to the deserted neighboring property, up the driveway, went to where the shade ends, back to where it ends the other way, and back home.  Too hot for his little paws.  Another day like it today, hoping it doesn't get quite as hot, they predict thunder storms so I hope that doesn't mean fires, OR has enough already!

2 hours ago, Kieron said:

Karen, I wish I could send you our rain. 

I'll take it!  It's like a dust bowl here!  And temps in the 100s is definitely too much for me, esp. with no A/C.  I'll trade ya!

 

[kevin]

We are going to hit 90F today , which will be close to the high this year.....humidity only25%,  so its manageable in the shade.......cools down to 50 F at night....But would be difficult without AC....I expect first frost in about a month..(Sept 10th)....

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Today is one year since Arlie died.  (I posted in Living with Loss, Pet section.)  Hard to believe life goes on when our heart stops

I’m so sorry, Kay.  Just passed 2 weeks for Ally.  I’ve been having so much anxiety and depression.  Every day I feel I can’t do this again.  Add in the back and leg pain, like your hands, and I really feel like I’m losing my mind.  I can’t try and release it some thru exercise.  Can barely walk so have to be trapped in it.  This pain is the source of so many doc calls and frustration too.  I could wipe out 3 docs I deal with if this were just arthritis, which I have, but collapsed vertebrae are a nasty critter.  

Just like when I lost Steve, my mind and body are now in overdrive.  Both times re showing me just how much the mind is really pulling the strings.  No, it didn’t give me stenosis and other physical crap, but it does direct my reactions even in times I try and control it.  I learned so much the first go round, but it’s like it’s wiped out.  Plus, losing a dog doesn’t rally a huge support system.  I’ve been fortunate that a few people have been there and still are, in a way.  Having not lost a spouse, they can’t imagine the combination especially when that dog got you thru the first.  I know George didn’t know Arlie, but he came into your life and basically saved you.  Ally knew her dad so we had that connection.  Melody didn’t know Steve, but she knew ally so she’s a reminder every day of ways we adapted without him.  Now I have to adjust those.  As much as I love her, I miss the companion of Ally like going in the car and sleeping with me.  I’m having to adapt to how differently Mel shows affection.  It’s just being close to me mostly.  Not as physical as Al.  In this virus anti social world, I crave touch like a never ending thirst.  I miss having my glasses smudged by her quick tongue.  Her nudging me with that cold nose.  

I don’t know how to do this over again and also for how very different it is this time.  It’s like Steve just died again too.  I can’t control the panic attacks.  On top of it all my doc says I’m anemic and the iron makes me sick.  I’m developing fear of going out because of the panic.  I don’t want to go back to fighting agoraphobia, but I’m already in it.  Plus going anywhere hurts so much getting in and out of the car and shuffling along.  I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore.  Never been this adrift. So scared.  So alone.

 

[MartyT]

30 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore.  Never been this adrift. So scared.  So alone.

You DO belong HERE with us, Gwen. I know it's only virtual, but it is real nonetheless. We are here, and we are listening . . . ❤️