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My Sanity Needed Vents


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8 hours ago, kevin said:

..I expect first frost in about a month..(Sept 10th)

You've heard of humidity so thick you could cut it with a knife, well after dark that is how it feels outside.  And I gripe, but I did not have A/C until Kelli was born in 1967, so somehow I lived all those years.  I'll bet it is beautiful up in Canada.  I watch Heartland just to see Canada.  But, this swampland is home.  

I wrote an answer to Gwen's note after Marty's.  I don't know where I put  it.  

 

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Thanks Marty.  I know this a haven with all the great people.  That I can babble away is a link to sanity.  Or what resembles it these days.  

I got out a bit today, but the pain was monumental.  Marg, we broke a record today at 97 and we’re very humid too with the ocean.  The portable AC has the living room at 86.  Supposed to be 10 degrees cooler tomorrow.  I was really bummed at how hard it was for me to walk around.  I know my muscles are wasting away and my diet is so unhealthy as I rarely eat veggies. 

I was changing out my car air tank and it sounds like it’s not sealing well.  I found the washers for it, but never had luck replacing them correctly so that means a call and waiting on them some afternoon.  It definitely won’t interfere with my jogs around the neighborhood.  

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5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Never been this adrift. So scared.  So alone.

Gwen:  Like Marty said, you belong here with your virtual family.  I can only imagine what you have to endure with your back and leg pain.  Just please know I feel your loss of Ally since we shared tears during my loss of Maddie.  I so wish the short miles between us weren't so distant due to traffic, my vision issues and the pandemic, of course.  I would like to think even a cup of coffee or cup of tea together would help both of us.  But, am thankful for the Forum for the virtual visits.  Take care the best you can.  Hugs to you and Melody,  Dee

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Thanks, Dee.  I had NO idea that grief could come so Intensely roaring back.  I’m not me at all.  Everything feels so surreal including having to physically move around.  I’m afraid my leg is going to give out.  But the worst is feeling like a 6 year tape has rewound and I’m at ground zero again.  Feels worse as I have 2 to live with.  I did this once already!  This feels so unfair.  No one (but the people here) want to hear about it.  I saw it in the face of the woman I had a Zoom visit with yesterday.  I wish, too, I could talk to all of you in person.  I don’t feel whiney here.  I know often it seems that way.  It’s safe and caring.  💖

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17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Plus, losing a dog doesn’t rally a huge support system.

Exactly, like disenfranchised grief, people think we "should be over it by now."  You can hear their silence in response to any mention of our grieving our dogs.
Yes our pain further complicates our grief, it's more piled on top of more!  But I do think of this place as a safe support group.  We are there for each other in the little and big struggles in life, in our thoughts and feelings, our fears and frustrations.  Much of it complicated by growing old alone.  This would be so different if faced with our spouse.

I wore my remembrance bracelet yesterday to church...I didn't care that it didn't match what I was wearing, it's not jewelry for that, it's a symbol that states to the world my love for Arlie and how much I'm missing him.  Even if no one gets it, even if no one else understands.  I know you all do.

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It is the importance of the bracelet for you.  It’s like no one understands that my anniversary ring means more to me than my wedding ring.  It symbolizes 30 years of commitment and how we got there.  

The vet I used has a link to set up a memorial for Ally.  I may do it just for myself and see if anyone I send the link to responds.  I think a couple people will. I just did it but have to wait 5 days to see it.  It didn't use my contact list so I sent it to myself only and am hoping I can copy the link from my tablet.  Now I am emotionally spent for the day.  Still have stuff to do but discouraged finding that getting the mail about killed m me with pain and oxygen drop.  

10 degrees cooler today but I still feel awful.  Have a covid screening today and some goodies to drop off for a buddy where I volunteered.  Haven’t heard a word from my deck guy and wish I had the energy to get mad.  My usual desire to curl up and disappear.

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Yesterday after several tried I finally reached the Slocum clinic (orthopedic doctors) to schedule for an evaluation, they're booked three months out!  Then after eval, it'll be another three months before surgery, which takes me to February, the worst possible time for me to try to go through this!  I did request getting on their cancellation list.  They said they left me a message a week ago, I told them they did not, I checked my answering machine and phone log!  I've had my phone number for 43 years.  Then I found they had a cell number I had seven years ago...cell phones do not work here, I don't know where/how they got that number but they obviously did not try my landline, I double-checked.  What you want to bet they still haven't gotten rid of that number and will call my old cell number if they get a cancellation!  The gal was very snotty, which I've been told is true for them but that the doctors are nice.  So I guess my five months of constant pain, no relief, is a drop in the bucket compared to what I have yet to face.  

Yesterday was in the mid 90s every day being hotter than predicted.  Supposed to be mid 80s today...hoping so anyway!

Gwen, what does this memorial site look like, does it have memories, video, what?  Let us know how it goes!

Good luck with your deck guy!

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I'm so sorry, Kay. This COVID-19 pandemic is affecting every aspect of our lives, most especially our so-called health care system. I hope that even if your surgery is delayed, you will be offered cortisone injections as needed in the meantime. (I found that ice packs on my hands helped a lot to keep the pain and inflammation down.) I know how difficult it can be when one or both of your hands don't work properly, and I certainly do know the effects of chronic pain. I'm glad your doctors are nice, but the problem is getting through the gatekeepers so you can talk to them. I encourage you to be a very squeaky wheel, Kay, and find a way to make them listen to you!

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People do not understand my feelings about the medical system and want to label me with names.  I don't like labels.  I do not understand Canada and other countries "free health care" for all citizens.  I am not a good person to attack our system because I've always had insurance from the same source, my state job (government) and my retirement insurance from the same job used secondary to my Medicare.  I'm not out of pocket anything.  We were going to be for Billy's chemotherapy $6,000, and our insurance would not cover it.  In my mind I instantly moved out of our house into our automobile and decided every cent we made would go toward the possibility of curing him.  We had had so many miracles that I was sure this would be another one.  I had no worry except making sure he was cured.  I did not doubt he would be cured.  I walked out of that office after letting her know I would find the money to her coming after me and telling me a grant had picked up the whole $6,000.  A sigh of relief?  No, there was no doubt that he would be saved, we had faced this before, we would beat it again.  We never were turned away, never had to wait, and Billy did not wait either, he just left very soon.  Billy had twice a year doctor (specialist) checkups and laboratory.  He just fell through the cracks.  Someone did not review his lab work.  Never got a bill from that doctor, he was a family friend, Billy's doctor for about 18 years.  

I saw the two separate people in the line in front of me at the pharmacy.  They brought about 3-4 sacks of medicine and he chose one, he could afford it.  The same with the woman in the other aisle.  (Six feet apart, masks worn), and she picked one prescription she could afford and sent the others back.  I get four prescriptions twice a year.  That is 12 months of prescriptions and none of them, all four together, come over $15 a month.  I owe no doctor bills.  Of course, I don't go to the doctor, but with my insurance, the state government retirement insurance and Medicare, I still would not owe very much, if any.  My state retirement insurance picks up what Medicare does not.  

But I am considered a label, a name, because I want insurance for all.  Elderly people are having to choose between food or medicine.  That is  not a fair choice.  

Maybe I live in a fairy tale world.  I missed two solid months of work, probably more, when I had cancer and never missed a paycheck.  I had not used up my annual leave or sick leave, had used it only as I had to and I had enough leave.  People, when they are sick should not have to worry about whether they can eat, go to the doctor, or buy medicine.  I have been fortunate in choices, not smart, just lucky.  But, we used to have a health system  that helped those that could not pay.  I retired from that state hospital.  One year the hospital made a profit and the government swooped in and took the extra money we could have bought new health curing/finding machines.  So, I saw the government against the government.  The New Mexico hospital I worked from my home for, they had a clinic where people that could not afford it could go for medicine.  

I do not  know how other countries provide free health care.  I heard a nightmare of long waits.  Well, what is Kay having to do?  A friend of mine could not find a rheumatologist that she could get an appointment with for three months in any of three big cities.  

I can't be fixed, so I go through my days treating my condition the best way I can, the way that has worked for six years.  The only time I have been sick was when I went to a new doctor and she tried treating my grieving as depression.  Sometimes you do not give antidepressants to old people.  I did not go back to her and I have to just be careful and hope and pray I stay as fortunate as I have been for six years because I do not like doctors, hospitals, or our medical system that I worked 43 years for.

Now, I'll get off my soap box, my word salad dish, and I'm just sick of us having to beg for medical care when we need it.  

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So sorry to hear about the long wait for surgery, Kay.  If I opted to do mine, I’m not sure what the wait would be.  I’ve had all the evaluations.  I’ve heard other stories of long waits and Aldo of people putting things off for the summer or for of being in a hospital right now.  I hope you got your phone updated and asked about possible treatment like Marty suggested in the mean time.  I’d do steroids if I could stand the side effects it causes me like panic.  Heck of a dilemma between that and walking.

 I’m not sure what the memorial for Ally will look like yet.  I’ve seen others at the site so assume it will be the same.  Only thing it did weird was post her picture sideways from my files and I couldn’t change it.  If what I’m planning works of getting the link sent to me , I can copy it I’ll paste it here and outside buddies.  The site prompted me for email invites but wouldn’t grab them from my contact list and that would have been a lot of work jumping back and forth as I don’t memorize email addys.  

Called the deck guy AGAIN and he promises this coming Sunday.  I did call another company who is going to look at it Friday..  Oh boy!  Let’s start from ground zero again.  Bids before work.  At least I’ll have that if my guy doesn’t show up.  Meanwhile, I’m trying to figure out if I can live with this pain much longer.  Much less all the other conditions.  Like breathing.  

As I wrote my grief counselor last night, I’m living the nightmare of losing the most precious thing I ever had.....my family.  A useless body I don’t know what to do with.  Everyone around me facing big med stuff always follows it up with reasons like family or passions about causes.  I wouldn’t get my family back, but they try and sell me on causes, which may be true.  It’s finding the motivation to take the chance on very long recoveries to find out.  And yes, I may be being a baby about it, but I do not want to lose more control in rehab and someone here to help me.  So I don’t really deserve much support since I won’t do what average people do.  I’ve spent years alone in situations people around me had SOMEONE to lean on.  Ally cut me to the quick and I’m totally deflated.  I can’t seem to get that thru to the docs and even my own counselors, tho they understand why I feelthat way, but don’t give me what I want right now.  I want pity.  I’ve finally said it.  Sometimes we really need validation in that way.  It’s always pressure otherwise.  I want to be allowed and validated that this totally sucks and it’s OK to feel victimized by life.  

Steve would hold me and let me feel that.  But then, if he were here, I wouldn’t feel that.  Again, another Catch 22.  Guess I know what I’ll be talking to my therapist about today.  Sometimes you need a break from trying to find purpose and he is always being a cheerleader for that.  Today I can’t take it.  

I shuld trim this, but screw it.  I’ve already fought deck, med and horrid pain today and have to face a shower so I’m giving me permission to be weak.

 

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It's only because of the pandemic...half the doctors aren't working.  Not sure why, seems they sterilize for surgery so what's new?  No excuse ever for anyone being snotty, no excuse!  Smiles are free!  I will NOT let anyone bully me, not even for surgery.  I was born a preemie, went through much abuse and am STILL a fighter!

Marg, you're not in a fairy tale world, I wish more people thought and cared like you do.  Sometimes I think our politicians are in la-la land, never having lived the way the rest of us have to.  They haven't a clue.  So much for being a progressive country!  But still we have the ability to speak out against it so it could be worse.

Gwen you don't have to alter anything for us, we're right there with you.

 

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6 hours ago, MartyT said:

I hope that even if your surgery is delayed, you will be offered cortisone injections as needed in the meantime.

I did go in emergency for a steroid shot on Friday, I couldn't take the pain any longer, but it barely helps.  I understand getting it in the butt is less helpful than in my hand but it takes an expert to do that and THEY can't be reached!  Funny, the neurology assessment had a machine that TELLS them what the pain level is (severe, both hands) without you ever saying a word.  They got that right!  I don't know how many times this week I've reminded myself how fortunate I am to HAVE hands!

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There are people who think because you have not "paid into the system" you should not be granted anything.  Well, other people had maids and house care people that worked for years and the employers did not pay into SS for them.  They get too old and they have worked all their life.  To me it does not matter if a person has not worked as many years as we did or pay as much income tax as we did, what matters to me are people like a group of trailers that have been in this delapticated park for 40 years and they get a five day eviction notice.  The people have no money, the water system is bad (why don't they outlaw such systems?) and this 84 year old woman has lived there 40 years.  Her trailer would not hold up to moving.  She has no money to move it.  They are all in this condition.  

Maybe I have been inside too long (no, I really get out), but I have never seen this in my lifetime.  People have lost their jobs, businesses are closing, and if I had the money I would save all those people in that park.  I don't. I live 1st of month to 1st of month.  I'm comfortable but I cannot help any more people than I am already.  I sure wish I could.  If I won the lottery I'd buy them a trailer park with new trailers and good water.  My family is okay.  So many are not and I want to save them all.  I don't even know if we still have a lottery.  

I think I'm getting political......sorry.  Would rather get religious.  

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That’s the downside of the ER, Kay.  No specialists.  The shots are tricky and you want someone who knows what they are doing.  We’re they able to point you to a place that could see you sooner since they have the info for how bad it is?  Or forward that to the place you are waiting to get into?

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No, the emergency trip I made was to my doctor's office.  ER would refer me to Slocum which would give me an appt. three months from now, same as they did.  My condition is SEVERE, which is the worst rating, they don't up the time for that.  They flat out do not care and you can't make it past the snotty receptionist.  And my doctor forwarded all info she had to Slocum's.

Marg, I love your heart, bless you!  I, too, wish I could do something to help people.  It's what our politicians are in office for, alas, I don't look for a lot of help there, no matter who is elected.  I do know Peter DeFazio has done more for OR than all of the other politicians combined over the years!  And I'd say that no matter what side I was voting on!  I have personally seen him step in and help businesses and little people.  He cares.  Rare and so appreciated!

And maybe you're right, maybe "religion" does more for people than politics, if not this world, maybe the next?  ;)

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I’m always amazed how each day brings things I never expect.  That’s regular life, but it’s now stuff that challenges me amount changes from age or coincidentally happen to me while I’m particularly vulnerable.  

A bill not submitted to insurance, info from Medicare and my insurance company saying they don’t provide drug coverage in their supplements, changes I made to my investments and beneficiaries never got delivered.  So an afternoon full of calls. The most annoying was recalling my insurance after looking at info they sent regarding Medicare with many plans for drug coverage.  Call them back and sure enough, another rep tells me they do.  So I gave him my doc and med list and he assures me we can get this in place next week to kick in November 1st.  Do I trust this will go smoothly?  Nope.  But, I gotta do something to get this in place.  

Its always timing.  It didn’t really matter in the past.  We tackled things as a family.  Steve hated this stuff too but was used to red tape from his job being a VP and having the reconcile various suppliers.  Plus we would have been thru this 4 years ago had he made 65.  He probably would have talked with the rep and just gotten the paperwork for me to agree to.  He was my hero that way.  I handled insurance stuff for decades, but is was within whoever we had coverage with.  He was always so grateful to not have to deal with it.  Same with the bank.  It really sucks when a partnership is broken that didn’t crush you on your own.  

I miss talking at night and relaxing after a bad day.  Escaping together.  Now it’s killing time to start all over again with no real down time.  A big hug from him would feel so good right now.  Or me calming him down that we have the night to wind down so let’s use it. Got The Call of the Wild to watch......alone.  It’s a dog movie which he would have loved.

 

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19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m not religious, but if there is a next world, it couldn't be called heaven if politics was involved.  😇

Of one thing I'm sure, NO politics in heaven!  I tried to figure out what I meant when I wrote that but who knows.  My brain was having a hard time functioning yesterday...

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11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Call them back and sure enough, another rep tells me they do.  So I gave him my doc and med list and he assures me we can get this in place next week to kick in November 1st.

Get his name and a reference number.  Although most places have disclaimers about whatever we're told.  :wacko:

Good luck!  My Medicare Advantage program covers Rxs, but not EVERY Rx.  My Psoriasis Rx is not covered.  Been putting off getting it refilled.  AND it's an HMO which means I'm at their mercy for covering things, I have to get a pre-authorization and referral for a lot of stuff.  The whole medical thing has gotten too complicated.  I remember when it was simpler, thankfully when I worked in it!

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

A big hug from him would feel so good right now.

I so miss sleeping with George, it always felt like the best place in the world to be, in his arms.  I felt safe and protected, I haven't felt like that since.  15 years...it's a long time.  In a way this is worse than life in prison, at least they get visits!  We do our time alone.

 

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I miss talking at night and relaxing after a bad day.  Escaping together.

Oh I know!  Now there IS no escape from the world or problems.  It's 24/7.  Only escape is sleep and I'm not one to be able to sleep long hours to avoid reality.  I am lucky to get seven hours a night lately, and that is broken up not uninterrupted like when I was younger.

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10 hours ago, kayc said:

The whole medical thing has gotten too complicated.  I remember when it was simpler,

I15 years...it's a long time.  In a way this is worse than life in prison, at least they get visits!  We do our time alone.

Oh I know!  Now there IS no escape from the world or problems.  It's 24/7.  Only escape is sleep and I'm not one to be able to sleep long hours to avoid reality.  I am lucky to get seven hours a night lately, and that is broken up not uninterrupted like when I was younger.

It’s certainly more complicated now that I'm trying to set up Medicare and be as covered as is possible.  I don’t want to run into a med like you have that isn't covered.  I have a list of my docs and meds to go over with the insurance rep coming over Monday.  I had given this info to another in Florida, but he was a broker for the company.  This woman actually works for Premera and we can get it set up easily....she says.  I did find out that one med will need a letter to get brand and one doc I will have to switch.  Thereis another in his office that is signed up with Medicare.  I have talked to her when I was in the hospital, so not a total stranger.  Yup, it was easier when we were young and rarely needed docs.  Aspirin and birth control pills were all I had in my pharmacy.  

Prison is a perfect metaphor.  At least there are opportunities for visits.  This prison is nicely furnished as I can come and go.  But I’m always in solitary it feels.  

I think the sleep disruption is the worst part of this trying to make our way thru this endless trek.  I get 7 hours too, but wake up after a couple hours and the rest is not good sleep.  I’m always exhausted when the alarm goes off.  Sometimes an hour before and it’s a twilight sleep because I dread the real waking and having to get up.  I don’t want to sleep my day away either.      I miss looking forward to the day.  when daytime was fulfilling just as  sleep was a cherished respite.  

Seems like a fairytale now.  This reality I haven’t found an adequate word for, but it isn’t a good one.

 

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Ugh, I changed to some clean jeans today and they were hard to get on.  I haven’t gained an ounce in over 40 years, but my thighs and butt have broken down from lack of exercise.  I don’t expect to be in marathon shape, but this old age back problem has really taken a toll.  I can see it in my thighs just sitting.....flabby.  I wrote in the looking for positives thread how frustrating this is getting with limitations.  More so than even usual at 64.  I was refilling my oxygen humidifier and realized my back up if there is a power outage is not easily accessible so I’ll have to get my friend to get that out of the closet with the winter coming while he’s putting away the AC.  

I don’t know about any of you, but this is a real esteem crusher.  I’m an adult that feels like a child.  Tho that child is pain.  I see things to do all the time and wonder...can I?  And if I can, what will be the fallout?  I never knew you had to rebuild your life so much and how hard that would be alone.  Harder too when no one you associate with gets it at all.  They’re adapting with someone.  Keeping more freedom sharing the load.  Maybe it’s just an illusion, but all the stuff I pay to have done now we probably would have anyway, but it wouldn’t feel so defeating if that time could be filled being together doing stuff to enjoy each other’s company, not as I feel....ia necessity and leaves me more hours to kill alone.

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Funny how we think about winter when it's going to be 85 today.  I had to remind myself to not think about winter yet, we're still very much in the summer!  But I too have to think about things coming up.  I'm very scared about what I'll do this winter when I have surgery, was hoping to get it over with and begin healing.  How do you do without your hands, esp. with a wriggly puppy that will not pee/poop in your yard and has to be walked?  I don't know how I'll survive but only know that I must.  Okay, back to today!  I can do today!

Gwen, you are not alone in aging...I am stunned how my weight loss has left my skin looking, I almost think I looked better fat, at least the skin looked better!  But alas I remind myself I did not do this for looks, but for health, and I am way healthier now.  I never should have let myself gain weight after George died, but when your world is broken in two, you just don't care about things, everything seemed mundane.

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I see things to do all the time and wonder...can I?

 

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 They’re adapting with someone.

Oh boy, can I relate!  I am told by people that the longer the hand goes, the less likelihood It'll ever be back to normal.  My function is okay, although I know I've lost strength because of this, but at least I can use it, painful as it might be.  After surgery, who knows?  But I can't see living with this pain the rest of my life!  No one gets the situation I'm in, they don't offer help, I'm scared.  I can't afford to pay someone to stay with me while I recover.  And I can't bear being without Kodie, he's all I have, take him away and...  Well fill in the blank.

You have done an amazing job trying to cope, Gwen!  I hope you've given yourself a lot of kudos!  Well, at least some chocolate!

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You’re at least a step ahead of me on the surgery.  You are at least open and somewhat wanting it.  It also sounds like it will be successful.  I wish mine had that.  80% success is good, but even with that my body would be very changed I’m told.  I say I’d prefer a knee or hip as they have those down to an art.  I don’t want any surgery now that I’m alone and yes, Melody figures into that a lot like Kodie.  She often needs me to force her out to take care of business being so skittish.  

I don’t want a stranger here to help me and I’d still have to do a stint in rehab.  Then there’s PT.  All could be done at home if Steve were here.  I wouldn’t be alone or have to be without and worry about Melody.  I just don’t get why when we’ve had the worst of all possible losses, tho a child must be unimaginable, we can’t have paid our dues.   Just give us usual life aging.  Like all the actors on TV.  The older than me people I see when I’m out that are still vital and energetic.  Aches and pains.....yes.  I’m just whining.  There’s as many suffering too.  Many alone also for direct personal help.   I’m not the only one with this kind of hell.  It just feels that way when you’re in it.  I can’t magically summon a partner or close friend.  That is what I truly need and impossible to get.

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Oh my God I know it's only been awhile sence the unexpected passing of my fiance a very short while I feel as if I died with him are maybe I wish I would of I can't see life with out him I never would of thought I would feel so lost so numb well my brain anyway I don't want to do this I never ever wanted to be with out him what where my last words too him not good ones I'm sure i didnt know i didnt even fathom this would happen i can't i just can't i feel sick i feel like i wanna die like I'm loosing my oxygen i can't breath ur my whole world nothing else matters i wonder if he can hear me scream i wonder if he knew how much he ment to me maybe he didnt that's why he took them pills maybe he never new how bad i wanted to be with him forever i tried i tried and you still left me alone did u love me did u care i don't understand how u could be so selfish and not think of us I'm loosing my mind how should i feel i will i ever know ........

 

 

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Laurie, your pain is so deep.  I wish we could help you with answers.  Am I reading correctly that your fiancé harmed himself?   If so, that is a pain I know would make me wonder everything you are.  Desperate for answers.

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