My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

Yes, I feel the same as Gwen, it complicates grief so you have more questions and feelings coming at you to deal with, but you are not alone for having gone through this, we had someone named Sunshine that went through this years ago and there's some on my other site as well, very hard.  In the end we come full circle with the questions, we all ask ourselves the what ifs looking for a different outcome, anything but this!  This is natural and a part of grief.  We don't get resounding answers to why and eventually give up asking as we realize this is our reality now.  Do remember to take one day at a time, do not look at the rest of your life, or even the next year looming ahead of you, it's too much for us to take on, just do today!

It is good that you are pouring out your feelings, it's good to express yourself and give avenue to your feelings as it's not good to bottle it up.  Here, we get it.  Sending you cyber hugs!

[Gwenivere]

Started my day by spilling a bottled water.  Mail brought a scare my clinic might be closing, but it was another one so I don’t know why I got a notice.  Had a meeting with my current insurance rep for switching to Medicare.  Oh my gawd!   My head was swimming for how complicated it is.  The cost is cheaper, but the copays and deductibles are quite high.  Have to change pharmacies as well.   All in all I will save nothing and have more restrictions.     Have to change so much stuff.  I can’t even say I don’t want it and stay with my plan I have now.  I'd still get billed for it.  So as we get older and money doesn’t go as far, things just keep getting more expensive.  I’m all for people having insurance at a reasonable price, but that it doesn’t cover meds is appalling.  Now I see why there are seniors out there deciding between meds and food.  This is the kind of insurance that makes more sense if your young and barely use it.  Golden years?  Feh.

[Kieron]

That's one thing I have noticed in my line of work, since I often have to take people's individual "insurance" (I've taken to using scare quotes because insurance is mostly junk nowadays) into consideration in order to decide how to proceed with solving their problems.  You pay into Medicare all your working life thinking it will be there for you, only to find out how little it really covers when you become eligible for it, how complicated it all is, and there are those "donut holes" of non-coverage.  People with little or nothing in assets can sometimes get Medicaid in addition to Medicare (it covers whatever Medicare does not) but you have to be really destitute to get Medicaid, or they make you spend your assets down (buy things you may or may not need in order to meet an income threshold) before that coverage kicks in.  It's insane.  Why do we do this to one another?  It's like society is determined to inflict as much pain and suffering on people, just because it can.  That's the part that really baffles me.

[kayc]

Because the people in power have plenty of money and great insurance and they little care about the rest of us or don't have a clue what it's like to live in the real world.

[Gwenivere]

 Lost my whole post.  This is a long babble.  Feel free to ship.

I am appalled at the price of medication with insurance and more so from the manufacturers.  I do not buy for one second these meds cost what we are told.  Perhaps there are a few with so little a demand they warrant higher costs.  But big pharma is in it for profits beyond other companies.  We clawed our way thru med costs with Steve’s cancer and treatment (another area well over priced).  Now I face the same battles as I have added another 6 years to my life.  I don’t even have an option on declining Medicare.  I will be charged no matter what.  This is way too political for here, but the injustice of costs makes me mad and depressed.

I got frustrated  today and dug put some competition info and stopped myself comparing coverages.  I am just going to pray what I have decided on getting will effectively cover me.  Sadly, my not having to buy anything for Steve now frees up our budget.  It’s not worth another meeting with a company to save maybe $2 on a generic med.  

this is capitalism gone wrong.  This isn't about national or store brand ketchup or peanut butter.  This is quality of life and death stuff.  I don’t want to be one of the many people I see at the pharmacy chosing which meds they can afford and having to decline others.  

I pile this in with losing Ally, the rebound grief of Steve, my intolerable pain and inability to do much and feelings of dementia as I can’t think straight or remember simple things.  It’s mostly med stuff.  I can remember chores and things the house needs.  I hope that is a good sign.  Something to run past my counselor.  All I want to do after I get up is get to early evening to try and get lost in TV or vid games.  Wiping down the bathroom killed me last night.  It’s so discouraging.  

As Kieron said somewhere, we have become invisible.  Just ghosts already around the living with purposes, family and friends.  I get emails from others climbing this older age ladder sad too recalling a driven life and they haven’t even lost their spouse.  Loneliness is becoming an epidemic with that and the pandemic.  Everyone I know is more functional.  That’s hard to hear.  Harder to live with.  So many things I wish I could do.  Throwing Mel’s tennis ball and feeding my parakeets about had me in tears.  Have no where to go anymore.  I’m not creative enough in this pain to find something more fulfilling to fill the too many hours.  

I also just heard there is a case of someone getting reinfected with covid now.  What wil that men to a possible vaccine?  And as always, the daily knowledge we have no knowledge where this is going and for how long.  I hate masks, sanitizers and now was once was physical turning into social distancing.  Invisible or a leper.  I hate feeling a threat and viewing others that way.

[Kacy]

Gwen,

I don't post here often but I wanted to ask if you were aware that there is help available in each state to help with choosing the best Medicare plan for you.  I know you mentioned meeting with someone but wanted to post this in case you weren't aware.  If I remember right, you mentioned you live in Washington.  They should offer some help in choosing either the original Medicare plan or an Advantage plan.  Also, they should be able to advise on choosing a prescription plan, if you don't go with an Advantage plan.  What I was told is that it's better to go with the original Medicare plan and a supplement rather than an Advantage plan, but generally costs more in premiums.  There are some restrictions with switching between the two.  With the original Medicare plan, you can go to any dr who accepts Medicare as opposed to the Advantage plans where I believe you can only go to their drs.  Here is the link:  https://www.insurance.wa.gov/get-free-unbiased-medicare-counseling-your-area.

Mary

[Gwenivere]

Thanks, Mary.  I did learn to not take the Medicare advantage option.  I’ve pretty much decided on using Blue Cross for anything beyond A and B.  My meeting was with them and I looked over someone else’s and they were about the same.  Rates and copays were a tad smaller.  A big part was I didn’t want to be tied to Medicare doctors solely.  I want to keep who I have.  Anyway, I don’t want to do any more shopping at this point.  But that could change so I thank you for the link. 

[kayc]

I have been happy with my Medicare advantage program, yes there's more hoops but they pay well on my Rxs and I don't have a copay for my PCP, I pay $35 copay for specialists.  I did have to learn to work within their system.  The problem I'm having now is not with the insurance but with specialists who aren't working during the pandemic, thus delaying my surgery option!  I have been able to keep my own doctor, thankfully so I don't have to start over with someone who does not know me.  You build a relationship with your doctor and familiar feels more comfortable.  I don't like someone you don't know overturning the apple cart!

[Gwenivere]

Precisely why I wanted to keep my docs and not he the choice of specialists hinge on medicare.  I’m very particular about where and how far I’ll go to see docs.  So much a carryover from Steve and the last few years myself.  I want to stick to my neighborhood.  No crossing bridges to the east side, going to the U district where I spent so much time with Steve or going either 20 or more miles north or south.  I will have to pay copays for my PCP, but it’s a trade off so I can see other docs they wouldn’t allow.  The drug thing is the hardest thing to work out.  I’m so used to zero copays by summer and that will never happen unless I reach 8 grand out of pocket.  Even hospital ER's and admissions are more costly with Medicare.

[Gwenivere]

I’m trying to figure out why the lonely life I was already living can keep getting worse.  More and more keeps leaving me.  The isolation has so ramped up without Ally and changes coming turning 65.  I’m one that is not handling the pandemic well.  I can’t keep fighting this being alone. In accepting it, which I have no choice, each day is harder and ha rder to face.     The pain is getting so bad I can hardly do anything but sit.  Not using my muscles makes the pain worse.  The daily schedule is not giving me some comfort it did, but feels restrictive.  The same monotony day and night.  I can’t really change it from the pain restrictions.  I would give anything to get up and be free to do things my mind wants to, but the body says no.  Melody really wants to chase balls.  I can’t sit long and enjoy it. Just decide to go do something without  worry my legs will give out or oxygen drop.  It’s pretty pathetic when walking into the drug store is a major endeavor.  Thinking about getting up to do anything you dread.  Knowing when you go to sleep every night that not waking up would be better.

 I got the annual flu shot yesterday since I was in the drugstore.  The news here said get it ASAP so it can kick in as best it can when the flu season begins.  Hate hearing on the news another surge for covid possible too.  But I’m more scared of my sanity than the bugs.  

Back to the monotony.  Listening to a singer on Fallon doing a song called Waiting for the Let Go about nothing lasts forever.  How true, but I know she’s singing about breakup, not a death.  So sick of commercials.  Missing good shows if I have to be a slug.

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Even hospital ER's and admissions are more costly with Medicare.

My hospital stay are $450/day for first four days, then free...but once discharged, if you're readmitted, that starts all over again!

I throw Kodie balls from the couch at night, would Melody chase them inside?  Can't get Kodie to fetch outside!

I was going to check into the flu shot when I went to town yesterday but time got away from me.  Need to find out who has it & cost....

[Gwenivere]

Fortunately most flu shots are free.  Most insurance wants to save itself from big complications down the road and this year I’m sure they are really worried about that.  You’re Hospital stay sounds like typical Medicare from my understanding.   Almost 2 grand is disgraceful.  My naive expectations of reasonable and secure health care as I age has been shattered.  

Il never forget David Letterman saying when he was hospitalized in England for almost a week the bill was $60.  Most countries have socialized medicine,but that’s a dlrty word  

[shebert56]

As I have private insurance for the next 16 months until I reach 65 (private in that this is NOT from the healthcare market), my flu shot was not covered.  Out of pocket would have been $44, but GoodRx had a coupon so got it for half that price.  And it was cheaper than a doctor visit just to perhaps have it covered.  When I saw them being offered at my pharmacy, I took it immediately. 

GoodRx has really come through for me for those one-off meds my insurance doesn't cover.  Again, this is private insurance..... it's complicated.  But then what insurance isn't complicated.

~Shirley

[Kacy]

Most doctors in our area accept Medicare, so that's one reason why we choose the original plan as opposed to an Advantage plan.  Which plan you choose for your supplement really makes a big difference.  Of course, the better the plan the higher the cost.  Since my husband went to the doctor a lot, we choose Plan F for him and they basically paid for everything.  Even with all of the MRIs and CT scans and even chemo treatments, we paid nothing.  His premium was around $200 a month though.  I  know some of the Advantage plans have zero premium.

Most of the original Medicare plans don't include a prescription plan.  It's really important to check every year to make sure your particular prescriptions are covered by your plan and also are in the same tier.  They sometimes drop medications or move them to a higher tier.  Around Sept or Oct, they are required to send out a letter explaining any changes to the plan for the next year.

[Gwenivere]

I am at a loss as to the best coverage medically.  I’m going to have Medicare A and B.  I’ve met with a private company for everything else.  I was looking at the notes and see why I’m baffled now as they aren’t laid out in detail I remember.  At the time, it seemed the best coverage so now I need to call the rep and have her send me what we talked about in specific detail.  Costs, deductibles, copays, etc.  I tried looking thru the Medicare manual and gave myself a headache and anxiety attack.  

Just talked to my cousin on the phone and she gave me more info than I could garner from the booklets.  Feel a bit better as she is happy with it with the coverage with supplemental.  Now to get hard numbers from my agent.  I’ll miss zero copays with the higher deductibles. 

 

 

[Kacy]

Gwen,

Ask about Plan G or Plan N.  The plans are all the same no matter which insurance co you go with, but the cost will be different and the yearly increases will be different.  I don't think all plans are available everywhere.  If you go to Medicare.gov and put in your zip code and age, it will show what plans are available.  If you click on "compare to other plans" in one of the plan descriptions, it will bring up a chart that shows the different plans and what they cover.  That way you can see what each plans covers.  My husband had Plan F, which covered everything but is the most expensive and not available to everyone anymore.  I think Plan G is the next best.  We decided to pay more monthly rather than worry about ending up having to pay a lot later.  Here is the link for the medigap plans:  https://www.medicare.gov/medigap-supplemental-insurance-plans/#/m?lang=en.  If you call your state office of insurance, they should be able to give you the premiums for each plan available thru each insurance company.

 

[Gwenivere]

My understanding is I will have Medicare A and B.  I will then supplement it with a Premera Blue Cross plan for drugs and other specialty items.  Premera was my private insurance I was very happy with and want to stick with them.  I’m following up with them to make sure this will fairly mimic what I had before Medicare.  Thanks for the links tho.  I looked at them and need someone who is more an expert to tell my needs to and find what can fulfill it.  I don’t want to being doing lots of detective work.  I’m mentally in a place that can’t handle it.  The change takes place close to the anniversary of Steve’s death so that is why I am praying I make the best decision with the rep I’ve already spent 2 hours with.  

[kayc]

On 8/28/2020 at 6:06 AM, Kacy said:

Around Sept or Oct, they are required to send out a letter explaining any changes to the plan for the next year.

They did not.  They let us know right after enrollment ended.  I always go over all of the Rxs, doctors, what hospitals/urgent cares, etc. every year during open enrollment.  Then they change it up!

 

[Kacy]

Gwen,

I understand.  It's hard enough to make decisions without the added stress of it being close to a date filled with so many memories.

If you're happy with Premera, I would ask them about a medigap plan to help cover the 20% that the rest doesn't cover and also about the prescription plan.

[Kacy]

Kay,

I thought the insurance companies were required by law to notify you in the Fall about any changes.  I know we always receive a letter stating any changes.  It's hard enough wading thru all of this stuff without them then changing things up again.  What a mess!

[Gwenivere]

Just talked to my rep.  Billing goes to them first and they do the song and dance with Medicare.  I just pay copays as I go depending on tiers.  There is no gap.  I can always change plans with them.  I’m dumping all the mail stuff from various companies in the recycle.  

Now it’s paying Medicare.  I need to find out if they are going to pull it out of my survivor benefits.  Also find out if I can get Steve’s SS if it is more than those and for how long.  

Ya know, October thru January are my darkest months as our birthdays and anniversary are in with the holidays.  The timing of all this could not be worse.  So I am going deaf to more suggestions because overload is already dragging me to the pit earlier than usual.  

[KarenK]

Gwen, Ron's SS amount was more than mine. When he died, my amount was raised to equal his. I remember taking his death certificate to the SS office probably to authorize the change. This is permanent unless you remarry before age 60. My Medicare premium is deducted from my benefit amount before it is deposited to my bank account.

[Gwenivere]

I get so tired of dats putting out fires.  Computer probs, calls about insurance, dealing with a disgruntled yard worker, my credit card locked for fraud, lab tests and parking a problem.  I then come home wondering how I’m in another date night.  Most days run together, but after all these years Saturday crushes me wishing we would be going to dinner and dressing up a bit.  Now it’s a meal from a box, same old lounging clothes and every night routines.  We always took pre dinner naps, I still do, but miss hearing him shower and yelling.....get up!  Gotta get going because I’m starving!   Loading the furry kids and being able to see them in the car watching us from waiting on the leftovers.  I miss being a family and all the smiles, and yes, dogs can smile.  It was truly family night.  As special to them getting to go out with us.  I miss looking like a happy woman.  I’m just old now as I don’t care about the trimmings we do with someone.

thanks Karen, I’ll have to call SS as Steve is as dead now as when I set up the survivor benefits.  They may not need the death certificate again.  I’m hoping not as it always scorches my fingers to touch.  They have all the other info too like birth and marriage ones.  Having them pull the payment from the deposit would be ideal.  

[Kieron]

That does sound like something I learned about SS and survivor benefits, so definitely go for it.  I would recommend calling on Tuesday because often Monday is jammed with people calling about something they thought of over the weekend.  Also, SS is answering phones much faster now than they were during "normal" times.  IDK why but that's what I observed since Covid began.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Now it’s paying Medicare.  I need to find out if they are going to pull it out of my survivor benefits.

I called the social security office and they set it up to come out of my checks.  Easy! 1-800-772-1213

They already saw the death cert. so shouldn't need to again.